Here I go again.

[Willow23]

Here I go again.

It's not a journal Isty but have you read the Jason Vale book Quit the drink ... easily? It's a good read if you haven't.

I know how you feel, I wish I could sleep until 30 days, but then I guess we have to go through each day no matter how hard, otherwise we won't appreciate all the good changes so much.

[Dottie Belle]

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Willow, I have seen the book..is it really good enough to buy?? Did u learn something new??

[NoSugar]

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Here is a long and very inspiring thread; it should keep you busy for a couple nights:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f8...ere-13043.html

DoggyGirl doesn't post much anymore but is more than 5 years sober and is working on her master's in addiction counseling or something similar to that. She is one of my MWO heroes. Enjoy !

[Willow23]

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Dottie, it's definitely worth a read. I got mine secondhand off of Amazon so didn't cost much. I did go back to drinking after about 9/10 days so it wasn't a miracle cure but maybe I just wasn't really taking it in as I should. I'm going to read it again as an ongoing 'reaffirmation' thing. I did learn bits from it, it's quite repetitive and almost hypnotic in the way it's written.

[gambler]

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Hi Itsy .. hope things are well with you.

I remember each day bringing something new. Sometimes it was real hard on me..but (normally) the next day would be Very good for me. I cant really explain it. Your mood tag of "WTF" is close . If I was on a low it was LOW. Highs were higher than the clouds on the flip side. Like a freaking roller coaster. It was a wild ride for sure.

I actually kinda miss those days in a way. With respect to those real ass biting days I can look back feeling proud that I somehow got myself through that shit. Remembering the feeling I had when having a UP day..wow..what can I say. Better than any high I ever had with any drugs or alcohol..thats for sure. So yea I kinda miss those types of days. But going up and down with such extreme at the time was the hardest part.

Anyways I dont mean to ramble on and on..but bottom line is you Will start to "level out". You will start to see things in the same way each day.

Hang in there and hang on for the ride..:l

Dave.

[istym4me]

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Thanks all! I picked movies up- I am not doing very well at that( I don't seem to be picking out FEEL GOOD movies even though I was trying too) This last one is certainly an affirmation of WHY not to drink. WAH WAH (that's the title of the movie).... wow, it said it was a comedy. There has been nothing funny so far. I recommend it for a time when you feel like you might want to drink!

Dave, so far I am not experiencing highs and lows. I am experiencing a want of more food though. I am usually very healthful. I wanted Pie and ice cream tonight. I made my own ice cream and had some home made maple walnut pie... so healthier than most. I don't want to get sluggish from eating badly. Nor do I want to trade a wine addiction for a sugar or food addiction.

Willow, you are doing so good. We both need to not trick ourselves into feeling we have a handle on 'things', that's obviously a trick that 90% of us go through again and again. This is something I am really going to be trying hard to figure out. If I know I am likely to relapse, if I know it from the start how do I deal with it when it happens?

No Sugar, I will give it a look over. Today though, I freaked myself out by reading others stories. Talk about getting scared sober! Well, I had to leave the house to straighten my head out.

I think with what's going on with my dad and dealing with his umpteenth relapse, I just do not know what to feel. This may sound callous to some, I don't mean it callous at all... I AM SO GLAD MY DRUG OF CHOICE IS WINE! Hard alcohol supposedly metabolizes different, IDK but he gets it bad, there are few if any coherent moments in a day. I fear that if hard alcohol were something I went to, I would go right where he is. I wrote him a few letters and put them off in the mail. I decided not to fly out there. He may die this time, as he was supposed to die last time. I will deal with that when and if it happens. I can't help him or deal with what he is doing right now, I have other issues I need to deal with at home.

Dottie Belle- if you have a library card you can down load so many books for free now. check out your library.


My physical and mental angst to drink started today at around 10:30 but was gone by 4. Much shorter than yesterday. I did not have the anxiety the day before that really, except that I was planning and thinking about QUITTING so thinking about not drinking gave me the angst! I would not have drank on Day 1 anyhow because I drink(drank) every other day. Every other day was my pattern.

I have not told anyone outside of my household. My kids that are at home know- that I am trying to go for 30 days. And my X knows I am trying to just feel things out after 30 days. It's easy to not tell others because like many, I have become rather reclusive. I like being alone though
. My sister doesn't know. We are close, we text daily and share but I have not told her. She drinks daily and gets sober with ADHD drugs(ritalin) and then takes kolonipin in the morning to combat hangover. For the past 3 days I have known exactly when she is pouring her first glass of wine. I can hear her speech change, I can even envision her mannerisms changing. Another sobering thought for me.

I think counting the days makes the days go sooooo slow! Ha! I can say that at one point, I not only knew my mind and body wanted a drink, it also made for a 15 minute segment out of the day seem to last FOR HOURS! That was at about 2:30. I had to keep checking different clocks wondering how time could possibly pass so slowly!

I did not drink today. Again, thanks so much all!!

[istym4me]

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Day 4, feels like Day 1 but also like day 800 and ? lol
I think I wrote that I was told I am not physically addicted, more than once. This time, this feels more physical than other times I have 'stopped' drinking. I have a fuzzy head feeling. I am not waking up feeling great like I do even when I just stop for 2 days, skipping one of my drinking days. My cheeks have not taken on color yet, and that usually happens right away. Oh, this brings me to a thought to Dave. I have to go write something on that before I forget! (Yes, I am talking to myself! ha! and I don't care!)

[Willow23]

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Yeah, that was like me on Days 4 and 5 Isty. I just put it down to detoxing. I feel better now physically, although still quite tired, it's the damn mental side that's the hard part!

Sorry to read earlier about your son, I hope you reach a solution. Good on you for not drinking, if you're anything like me in the past the first thing I'd do is reach for the wine to 'relieve the stress'.

[istym4me]

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Willow, I so want wine for the stress right now. BADLY!!


WINE IS SCREAMING AT ME!
If I had wine, I could go light a fire in the bedroom, shut the door put on meditation music and stretch, breath and stretch.
I did take a bath but wow, that would have been SOOOO much better with wine. And while lying in the bath, my tummy fat I swear is already flubbier than 4 days ago. And we ALL know wiine calories don't count, "you" should really be drinking wine tonight, it would lessen your tummy fat and allow your back to relax. I should have wine in the bath, it looks pretty with the candle glowing and the moon shining in. I could float my glass and make it like I used to in the pool.
That fish you just made would be great with a malbec.
And on and on and on. F-ing wine brain! Lobotomy time!

Sadly Willow, my sons issues will be the insurance company trying to make him into a bad guy by slandering him. It's not going to be fun.


I will not drink tonight, I will not drink tomorrow. ( And the wine says, Fine 'reward' yourself for going a week. Then, is that day 8 or day 7? day 7, day 7 is a week! )

[Willow23]

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Day 7 is a week and you're 2.5 days away .... you can do that!

You're right, we all need to get out of the 'reward' mindset. As for not knowing what to do when it hits, get a plan in place ready - I didn't do that properly the first time I quit and that's more than likely why it didn't last. I know that between 4pm and 7pm I am going to get my witching hour, so I make sure I have plenty of nice AF drinks in and a good book. Obviously my kids are little so they keep me busy too. Do you work or volunteer or anything? Is there a particular time of day that it's worse?

[Dottie Belle]

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istym4me - I have been looking at the ebooks funny u should mention that...our local library has a large selection..definitely on my to do list.

[istym4me]

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Willow, right now because of my staggered drinking pattern, I can go crazy at 10:30 or 4-5-6... With all that's going on in my life I don't have an outlet to escape too yet but am putting some things in place so I can. I keep lots of drinks in the fridge, green teas, cucumber waters, fresh lemon juice to mix with teas, fresh carrot juice, fresh apple juice, wheat grass juices- I do juicing almost daily. That's not an issue, I have that covered. What I did go buy is bubbly water. I thought I might mix that with some berry juices if and when I really want that GRAPE taste of wine. My kids have pretty well already wiped those out. I may have to resort to hiding bubbly water- I never did hide my wine! lol

DB- Great! I am going to look at my library tomorrow. I also want to add more meditation music to what I have now. I love the libraries and I have so many close by that it's an infinite source of materials.

I have been complaining lately that TIME has been flying by. Where do the days go, where have the months and years gone- I have to say, HECK, if I ever want TIME TO SLOW DOWN I WILL JUST QUIT DRINKING!!!! Can days go any slower? Haha!! What's up with that? I just need many more addictions and to want to quit them for (A period of time here), I can bet time would actually stand the F8ck still just to taunt me!

Dear journal, Day 5 is on the horizon. I will not drink then and I did not drink today. I will find a reward that does not involve what it is a am trying to abstain from. On day 5 my reward will be a coffee from the shop that I ride my bike to while sitting in the sun, soaking up the views- bright blue skies and wondrous mtn range. I will breathe deep and truly appreciate the moment.
Day 6 and Day 7- reward to be determined.

[istym4me]

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Okay, good step forward. On the nordic, going to type away and exercise at the same time. Balance with this is very important! Ha! It may get up to 50 so I still hope to ride to a coffee shop.

I can not control what other people think of me. I am who I am and will change something about myself not over bullying or mean-spirited people words.

I live in a time my brain has not caught up to. We no longer connect with the earth like we should as our creature had intended. This is now my responsibility to find balance. I can find my grounding with the earth and my energy from the sun as often as I chose and whenever I went. (frostbite be damned)

I can let go. I can let grace enter my life.

I can love unconditionally. I do not need to have other negative people effect my love and from now on when I write and think about this I will end at- I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

My body and mind our mine alone. It's my responsibility to treat them healthily.

Alcohol is not a part of my daily life unless I choose it to be.

Through the adversity of my recent past, I see my present as nurturing. I can sustain.

I welcome love. I welcome unconditional love.

Today I will only speak with love.

(sweat running down my back!)

I deserve whatever I believe I do.
I deserve to feel spoiled. I deserve to live my own truth. I deserve to have any abundance I think that is good for me.

I can get buzzed without wine. I can run, bike, dance, sing loudly, go out into the woods for a walk.

[TJAF]

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Welcome Itstym4me. Just about everyone here has tried and failed to stop at one point or anther. No shame there , you've taken the first step that so many other alcholics can't take, you are trying. Also take some comfort in the fact the if you hang with it the quit does eventually stick. Set your goals a little lower. Start with 1 day, then expand to 3 days, then 7 and so on. If you set a goal that is so far out, man it can get discouraging. Also it bears repeating that if you have concerns or experience a rough withdrawl you should see your Doc. Getting a proper evaluation by Doc can be a real lifesaver and is a route to get prescription help if you need it. good luck and stay connected

[istym4me]

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Thanks TJAF- It's not my first go around. I have seen Drs before... I won't this time, probably won't if there are other times. It's a very strange set up in my state and probably in most states. There is not real license needed to open a rehab. As a matter of fact. I went to a rehab in Malibu. It was supposed to be posh, I did as much research as I could. They even had Drs faces on their site, nutritionist, counselors, physical fitness instructors, beautiful gym... claimed to have daily walks on the beach, bootcamp, yoga, pilates, organic food, detox. I got there very late at night to- rotten food in the fridge, freeze burnt food in the freezer, kids running the place. The exercise equipment was a treadmill in the garage. It took me 5 days to get out of there. I was pissed. Tried to sue but across state lines it was not possible. The police I called would not do anything. They said it was private property and could not help me. I won't get into all of it but... I will never give my power away again. I just need to realize drinking like I do is in fact also giving my power away. And that was not my first attempt at going to a place. The first one, I did not stay at, it was local and well, let's just say you could SEE The man that would do my body search DYING for me to check in and have control over me. Disgusting.

Most Drs say I don't drink enough to experience withdrawls. I have seen a few. Even one while I was shaking from drinking way too much the night before. I posted about one of the Drs turning my visit into more of a HOW to help her get healthy. I look very young for me age and I am pretty fit....