Here I go again.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Journal- DAY 5

Did a 9 mile ride. 45 minute nordic trac, 10 minutes on the trampoline IT was a beautiful day. No cravings at all. I am going to bath and stretch, enjoy music and fires. I truly feel grateful today. I bought a lotto ticket!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Day 6 down.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Day 7-

Lots of mixed feelings for me.

I don't have physical withdrawal symptoms anymore. I believe I did the first 4 days. I had shaking my first day when I thought I wanted to go AF again for a while. I had that odd heading tingling sensation and the pull to drink. But I did not have the "have to go buy wine" and actually try to go buy it. I am in a bit of a pondering about why I drink so much(which apparently isn't that much...but for me it is a lot. Maybe body chemistry has something to do with it, I am going to do research on this)

I did think about having hot wings and beer last night. I had white pizza and BAD store bought cake and ice cream. Beers are in the fridge. It didn't interest me, I just thought about it. I had no hot wings! Maybe that was why I didn't have the beer.

I spent time this week purging thoughts and feelings by journaling and writing letters. I loaded a program to start writing again, gathered my old scan discs, had long talks with my x...my kids have not said anything about my not drinking and I have not given them any message other than I was going to cut back and not drink for a while- I may have said 30 days to one of them. I must say, I love the well-adjusted way my youngest responded to over hearing me say to his dad that I was going to cut back some, he said something like Yeah that's a good idea, I think you had too much Friday. Something like that, not anything over dramatized or negative, it was just matter of fact and 'normal'.

I have been blessed with great kids!

A week, 7 whole days, while I would love to say it feels great. I just feel okay. I don't feel like I hit a milestone, although I know that days 1-4 DRAGGED on. lol I was grateful for the feeling of that, grateful that time didn't feel like it flew by as it so often does.

Oh, one thing that has been bothering me- reading some of the posts. I feel I have no right to even give advice to many people on the board. I want to give empathy but it seems contrite and condescending. If those that are struggling badly come to read this, know that I may not post directly to you but that my heart and thoughts are with you on your life journey. May you find strength you didn't know was there, may you find love in places you didn't know you would... may you find connection that helps settle your soul. We are all part of something more than, let go, let grace...

Gorgeous day! I started it very different than I normally would- I put in a movie! A real night time movie, thriller -scary movie! haha! It's fun. I paused it to post, have to get back to it.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

There have been so many great thoughts, insights posted the past week. It's really given me much to think about.
I do believe that some people in my life kind-of LIKE me being 'out of control with wine'. If I were to completely stop it would change the dynamics of the relationships. It's interesting but I guess it's to be expected. Any change is scary to most people, even good changes.

I have noticed that we all have guilt. Can that be one of the payoffs to drinking for us? It's like being addicted to chaos- I remember that feeling when I lived near my, now decease, mother. She always had 'issues' , life was never peaceful. It took me months to get used to life being peaceful after I moved away. Maybe, it's not just the buzz but the being able to feel 'stuck' or stagnant from the guilt and self-berating. If we keep negative feelings so strong in our lives, we are much less accountable for actually DOING something more, something better.

I want to count days not weeks. I liked the feeling, as I posted before, of time going slow!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Day 9- Busy day. Made lots of home-made ice cream... that might not have been such a good idea but it's in the freezer now, so it is whatever it turns out to be. I can tell I have put on a little pudgy the past 9 days. I am thinking about doing a small 3 days cleanse to help get that off. Of course, I just went grocery shopping and bought loads of wonderful food. I am going to make Cream of asparagus soup tomorrow. I am par boiling a pot of green peas now to finish off that tomorrow. So I have some healthful dishes that are on the weekly menu. BUT I also have lasagna(s) that I am making, one vegan one traditional.
Yeah, this is my brain! I am bored! lol I cook and mess around all day every day. I finished all my classes and am looking to sign up for more. I am applying online for 'work'. What a joke these new online applications are. I have never work for someone other than myself really, so applying for jobs and not having face to face interviews. It's odd to me that they hire people blindly.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Day 10.
Stacking firewood in between making 6-8 dishes to put in the freezer and fridge. I made single to go servings too. Very productive and makes the fridge and freezer look cute. Did about an hour on the nordic and got out some weights etc... I have to get 4 loads of wood to each fireplace now. REALLY, whose idea was that? I need to get my butt in motion again to get it done.

I am thinking about making a few more ready to heat and serve dishes before the end of the night and start Xmas cards. If you can't beat the onslaught of the holidays over-lapping, I may as well get them out and ready to be mailed when appropriate.

Batten down the hatches, it's coming in with a Vengeance. Makes my house smell and look great when I get ready for storms.

[Loveless]

Here I go again.

wow, you're getting so much done! I feel so lazy now haha

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

My body is sore!

I did do a lot yesterday, it felt great.

I had a portion of a beer and almost a full glass of wine though. I am not going to beat myself up over that though. I don't feel guilt about it at all. I had set a goal of 30 days, I didn't get that done. I did have a very healthful day regardless. I drank lots of green tea and made a blender drink of tart cherries with fresh lemon and lime juices. I did a modified fast, so I feel much lighter today.

Day 11.

[K9Lover]

Here I go again.

Hi Istym,

I've enjoyed reading your journal, and yes I feel lazy compared to you too!

How did you feel while you were drinking the beer/wine? It may be helpful to think about that so next time you'll know what's going on (maybe?) I have to say I've never had ONE beer in my life...it was 12+ or nothing!

Keep up the good work, I think you're doing great!

K9

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Thanks K9

I took two sips of the beer and felt ill so I put it in the freezer to cook with later. It freaked me out a bit to pour it for myself. I know I was thirsty and cold beer sounded better than it actually tasted, I ended up pouring water and a large greentea. The wine also tasted awful and I kept loosing it! I was trying to hang xmas lights and get a spare bedroom set up in between stacking firewood etc... I was all over the house and kept leaving my glass in odd places. My sub-conscious was having me play hide and go seek with myself. It was very frustrating.
I didn't really FEEL anything as in a feeling was a trigger type of thing. I don't need a trigger or a craving to drink.
BTW somehow your posts are very calming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Want to save this to reference later-

Lovely great job. If you can start to do what others are doing, push the hours back, you can go a bit farther soon. I am hoping a local library might have kid activities. While he is at story or craft time you can be close by and still posting on MWO or finding our what other programs they might have for you too! Guilt has to be released, it is a feeling that paralyzes us. it's very hard for me to replace the self-berating, but it's essential to move forward.
Can you do some cooking with him to try to keep the drinking a little further out again?

Dave It's a little windy here, I was just yelling to my son as he was getting ready for school... "Ben, Ben, why did the bike fall over?" (He just got a new bike-I know I should have saved it for Xmas) he yells back "WHAT BIKE?" (I am sure he was worried his new bike was hurt somehow.) PUNCHLINE DELIVERED- "Not funny Mom, not funny at all" I FEEL FUNNY!!! I am hilarious! ~
(Do you want to explain the get slapped or laid at the end of your post... ?)

I still have some loose questions out there, I have read all the posts over the past ten days here in the nest or so I thought I did but have yet to see if- Anyone knows how the founder of this site is doing. Is she still moderating? Has anyone witnessed anyone actually being able to moderate? This site attracts people for MODERATING but the STRONG force is NOPE- you will NEVER BE ABLE TO DRINK AGAIN so quit fooling yourself. This seems a little ironic that "WE" all probably came here thinking at least to attempt Moderation BUT the advice dispensed prior to some people even trying it is "Forget about drinking ever again".
I do believe I read that there were family members of a few on here that learned on their own to moderate. A curious revelation.

Amounts of alcohol consumption- After LOVELY posted about the amount of alcohol the young man who won one of the Survivor seasons was drinking. I did a search trying to figure out HOW much that really was and what it equated to in terms of beers or wine. I ran across a site that will fry your brain if you think you drink/drank alot! WE HERE PRESENTLY ON MWO ARE LIGHT-WEIGHTS!!!
How much did you drink on average - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I read pages and pages of that thread and found that most of us here do not drink to this extent. That doesn't mean we don't have problems! I know I can pass out at 1- 1/2 bottles of wine. I rarely have ever been able to drink more than that. I would have had to start very early, moderate and go into the night to finish 2 bottles and that just hasn't been how my addiction works.

There is a distinct difference between beating yourself up about it and feeling low (which IS destructive to addictive thinking) and examining and learning (which can prevent another relapse).

I would take that further and say- (which is destructive AND addictive thinking) I can't get a percentage to put on this but I would guess the Majority of us were or are addicted to beating ourselves up!
This is something I found on that site. It's a point I have been trying to make about how we talk to ourselves. We get our payoff by beating ourselves up or by letting others beat us up. It gives us 'permission' to stay where we are, in the comfort of being less than we sometimes yearn to be, it gives us ways to remain as is. NOT doing something is certainly easier than doing something. With a little more effort and a little more belief in ourselves WE can stop the negatives that keep us stuck and move onto something that we can be proud of, or at least not ashamed of.

[Loveless]

Here I go again.

I think it is amazing that you were able to have 1-2 drinks and then stop. that is truly inspiring to me, as I cannot stop at "a couple" never could. Great job. keep it up I am proud of you.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Well, Thanks Lovely, I don't deserve credit really as I do over do it on many, many occasions. It's not often I stop at one or two but knew if I didn't stop last night that I would go right through the entire bottle. Now, I get to cook with it! I found that runaway wine glass this morning! lol

My back hurts from stacking wood. I need a massage.
I finished cooking and I have been smiling as the kids come and get homemade ice cream and pie, veggie and regular lasagna, potato pancakes with a sausage gravy, a seafood newburg and on and on! Too much food. But it feels good to see them eat healthy and homemade.

Today, I will not drink at all.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Today-

Finish soups. I started asparagus and broccoli soups. Both cream of so not short on calories!
I started putting together a spare bedroom, I want to make that feel homey. With a high of 22 I want to make everything feel warm and homey.

IDK what it is about the past 2 weeks, maybe it is the lack of alcohol and I think someone mentioned this- Dave? But I have been feeling like something great is about to happen. It's a bit unsettling but also wonderful to have such an optimistic feeling. I just don't want it to be something do to with the temporary 'high' of not drinking, which is how I took those statements to be. Only time will tell. If something wonderful does happen- I will be sure to post it!

On Sunday I had planned to go out to watch football, somewhere with pool tables and darts. HA! Hard to find around here. My whole hot wings and beer thing wrapped into FOOTBALL and pool. That's probably not going to happen because of the snow. Hot wings and beer at home don't even sound fun now! It's sounded like a great idea a few days ago. Now, I need a pool table to go with the hot wings and beer. Last time I needed the hot wings to go with the beer. I am making this more and more difficult. It's so complicated!

Day 11/2. feels like 30 and 30.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Day 12. I would like to start over again.

[K9Lover]

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Hi Is! What do you mean you want to start over again? My coffee hasn't kicked in yet so I'm a little slow on the uptake. Are you on Day 1? Sorry for my confusion

Hope you're having a good day!