Here I go again.

[istym4me]

Wow, it's scary! Day 1.

[Willow23]

Here I go again.

You are telling me! I have tried repeatedly to quit over the past couple years and never quite made it. Just take one day at a time - I'm on Day 4 so not far ahead. Some great people here so stick with us.

[3June2013]

Here I go again.

Welcome and congratulations! Have you read some tips in the toolbox? The best advice I was given was get the AL out of the house, stock up on yummy alternative drinks and comfort foods, post and read a lot. Develop a plan. Happy to help!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

There are beers in the house now. Going to get those out. There is no wine, I drank all that. Today, I will be okay, it's tomorrow after 3 ish that will be tough. It's saddens me greatly to know that people, me included, go through this. When I haven't had a drink for a few days, I feel amazing! What's wrong with me? I know how great I feel but I just do it again and again.

A while back I printed out the MWO book. I can't do the moderate. lol I seriously would like to think I can. I can't. My plan now is trying to go 30. Take my family through a holiday with no drinking. I know it's going to take sometime for them to understand that there is no drinking. I wonder if any of my kids have a drinking problem.

My father drinks hard alcohol. Somehow that seems to have a harder pull on him. He almost died in 08. That he is drinking again is maybe an eye opener to me. I am just so sad for him. I am so sad for me.

Thanks for the welcome- it's a welcome back for me. I won't be drinking this time while I am here though. Last time I would actually pour wine and then come to the forums. NO MORE! I think now that it was disrespectful to do that. I was a fraud.

I have told one person so far. I will tell the other members of my family after day 3.

I feel so sorry for 'us' that struggle with addictions. My father has drank off and on all his life, now at 76 he had been sober since mid-08. I called him this week and he was drunk. Did that make me not drink? No, I drank straight thru mid-day Friday until late last night. I am sitting here shaking now. It's frightening to fear drinking and continue to do it. It's frightening to try to not drink and fail. I can honestly say there is no pleasure in it, drinking. It doesn't do anything for me.
I was here a while back. I can't remember my name. Doesn't matter. What does matter is that I know I want to live alcohol free. I spend every other evening drunk. I don't really get hang-overs but it's not a good thing to spend every other day drunk. I feel horribly about myself when I should feel good about myself. I have said this many times, that I have been blessed with great genes, youthful looks... and I try to poison myself every other day. Why?

I had some major life issues to deal with over the past year. I even checked myself into a place to get sober. Oh my, what a strange situation that was. False advertisement, run by 'kids' and no medical staff. I knew more about health and nutrition than anyone there and spent 5 days trying to get out of there and get my money back. I did not drink for 6 or so days though. I have done that on my own just this past September too. I want so badly to go a year...

[lifechange]

Here I go again.

Welcome Itstym!:welcome:
You've made the first huge step in joining us here and in beginning to tell your story. Most importantly in admitting that you have a problem and want to make changes to stop! That's huge! You should join us over in the Newbies Nest where there are lots of people at all different stages in their quit-- it's great place to talk things out, gather ideas, gain strength during these first days. Like the others said, take care of yourself--treat yourself as you would someone you love who is sick. Make sure you eat healthy food, drink a lot of water and teas, get enough sleep. Believe it or not, we all understand how you feel--:l Stay close.

[SoberSoul]

Here I go again.

Welcome, Itsmytme, you have a great attitude and are very smart to have posted. You will walk hand in hand with people who truly understand you and the support is phenomenal. Stay close..

[gambler]

Here I go again.

istym4me;1583486 wrote: I am sitting here shaking now. It's frightening to fear drinking and continue to do it. It's frightening to try to not drink and fail.

Hi Istyme ... some strong stuff your releasing here. I hope just letting it out is helping you face your Fear and emotionally charge you with the strength to stop the cycle.

I was going to say the adage of "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" .. but then the Bad guy from The Fifth Element who used it and then started choking on a cherry came to mind..so I think Ill just hold my tongue

Hope your holding fast ..

Dave

[j-vo]

Here I go again.

welcome istym4me,
You're in the right place, most definitely. Read lots and lots. So many great people that can support you here everyday, anytime of the day. Stay close.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Thanks all for the welcome. I will head to the newbie nest.

It's funny how sometimes even accepting niceties is hard, that unworthy feeling is easier.

[Pavati]

Here I go again.

I am having trouble with replying. We'll see if this one works.

Welcome, itstym4me. I was scared, too. I still am. I think a good thread to read is in the long term abstainers section called the four stages of alcoholism. Hits a little close to home for me, and makes the fear of drinking more much stronger than the fear of not drinking.

We'll see you over in the Newbies Nest as I am only on day 8. Lots of vitamins, water, sleep and self love are in order. And pour out that beer!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Thanks. I am trying to navigate my way around and read.

Congrats on day 8! :thanks:

[Myluck]

Here I go again.

Itsyme4me! Welcome. It was hard for me first 3 days but it gets better after that

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

My Luck- the first 3 days do seem to be hardest. I say that too. So, we sometimes get through the hardest part and then cave!

I have been reading. It seems to me that some of what I have previously read about alcoholism is true, "we are very smart people". You all have much insight, pretty amazing articulation and empathy.
I may have changed some of what I believe this alcohol addiction is. I believe it's a powerful entity, for sure but after reading about it for so long, a few things stick in my head. Boredom. Intelligence. Initial consumption early in life.(I may have been 7 ish) and then habit.
Having been down this road before, I don't seem to have the withdrawal symptoms. Not physical withdrawal, a blessing, sure. Also, another reason I use to beat myself up. What's wrong with me? I don't seem to be physically addicted even after 35+ years of drinking, so why can't I quit? I was checked out not long ago for withdrawal, some (or all) rehab. centers will not accept you if you are in the throws of withdrawal. I was given a clean bill of health there. I felt like shit at the time, I had just finished one of my 'newly' formed binge type days. It's not that new, not that often but bothersome for sure. I also know where I gave myself permission from. I read an article about the longest living people in the world. They often, rise early, get some work done, have wine and take a nap- repeat throughout the day. It's a longevity plan! Perfect.
Anyhow, clean bill of health. Liver function normal. I did not check into that place- thank goodness. I later heard some first hand accounts on what goes on in some of these places. Body cavity searches, often the workers have no medical experience, the 'guards' are often 'reformed' addicts... I made sure I went to one that was 'posh'. It was also not what it was supposed to be though. If anyone ever mentions going to one of these rehabs, I now have 2 reasons, personal experience to tell them to NOT GO and do not send your loved ones. There are so many aspects of recovery that you don't think about and even if you ASK all the right questions, you do not get the honest answers.
We give our power away to addiction. We should learn to get our power back and not give it away to people that know we are power-less.

I did notice that many of us, build others up while ripping ourselves down. For what it's worth. I say Bravo to those of you that have gone, 30, 60, 90+ days without drinking. And Bravo to those of you that slip and get right back up again. You have done some amazing things for your body and mind while not drinking for those days, months and even years. Your liver can heal in 14 to 30 days. As someone else wrote the pancreas can too... brain fog can lift for some in a matter of hours or days.

I am dreading calling my father today. The plan prior to his relapse was for me to fly out there. He is having other issues as well. Maybe, mild dementia, the trip was going to be hard with just that, now because of the type of drinker he is, the trip may be unbearable.

That's another common theme. it seems many of us do quantify what others do in their drink patterns or what others drink and how much. It's either part of the addiction brainwashing us or part of human nature to attempt to salvage some part of us that we may consider better than. Strange, as we will 'protect' and bolster others while also thinking, 'glad I don't do that'. The type of drinker my father is. Half gallon size hard liquor, drink it till it's gone, repeat. He doesn't take breaks, there are no AF days in his binges and he said he will die the next time he drinks. That would be now. I guess maybe 'we' have all said it- "I am killing myself" Maybe, he meant it that way... but no, as he was actually hooked up to dialysis, was bleeding from every orifice and was told he had less than 5% survival rate. Survive he did.

This brings up another scary aspect of this. I have never looked up how drinking an make you bleed out! I don't think I want to know. I have read so many withdrawal symptoms, scary stories on withdrawal- all that does is give me reason not to experience it.

I need to regroup, outline a plan, not drink today and do something to make myself feel good.

Be back with a cup of coffee and water.
:thanks:

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Isn't it 30 days YET? Aren't I healed?

I seriously can't seem to make 2+ days add up to 30 no matter how hard I try.
I had a semi-tough time off and on all afternoon into the evening until about 7. Then I decided to go to bed early, no bath, no exercise. I didn't do that much of what I had planned to do! I did do some planting.
Anyhow, I got in bed and put on movies. So much for early to bed(more like early IN bed) and the movies were so very long! The last one had the most amazing wine glasses and wine in too many scenes. It was all so romantic and beautiful (until the main character got really trash, tried to rape a maid, fell through a glass table and...). Beauty doesn't last. Movies sure can make and break fantasies!

Going to meditate this morning, light a fire, pour some fresh juice, make some coffee and organize for yet another life event I would rather not deal with!

Day 3 x 10 is 30!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

I can feel another early to bed night coming on.

Reading some of the 'stories' on here made my head spin. Maybe, maybe it's not always good to read so much at first, maybe purging more is better. Of course, there are also many, many half stories, that makes it hard to make sense of things!

Day 3 hoping to make it come to a close quickly. The hours can drag on!

Are there any journals on here, rather complete journals about making it through the weeks til 30? I am hoping that some of what I am experiencing will change. I will probably journal a lot ( I consider this a journal) the next few weeks. I can't imagine what else I can do.
At times I think I should just be able to slap myself in the face and STOP already. At other times I wonder how any of us keep making it through the days.