Here I go again.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Yes, I drank a bottle of wine last night. Truly K-9 I do not understand how people can drink 3-4 bottle of wine. But that doesn't lessen my intake from last night. Or the guilt I do feel about it this morning. It was enough that I passed out. I looked at the bottle this morning it's 14.5 percent! That's pretty strong.

I also liked the feeling of days 1-5 though. It's odd. I think I would rather feel the anxiety of wanting a drink than feel the guilt of having them!

(( I am reading on another forum this morning too. I sent Lovely the link hoping she will get on there. She was in a bad state yesterday and the day before. It would be so sad if she harmed herself or her child. I am a baffled the actions on the board. ))

[Willow23]

Here I go again.

Ah hon, sorry you slipped. How are you feeling now?

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

I have a mix of emotions right now. I am angry with myself, somewhat depressed and bewildered.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

And Eww... from not drinking much to drinking, it feels worse. I need to do some stretching and get in the steam shower later and get OUT OF MY OWN HEAD!

[K9Lover]

Here I go again.

Hugs IS :l

I know the feeling of wanting to get out of your head...or even climb out of your own skin. Ugh, I used to wake up to that every morning at 3am...and it felt like a brick wall was laying on my chest too. That's what drinking does to us. So while you were drinking, how did you feel? Was it still "fun"? And was it worth what you feel now? I always got my best buzz around beers 3-4 but of course kept going...by beer 12+ it was all gone to hell. A steam shower sounds great...sweat those toxins out of your body...but be sure to replenish your liquids!

[Willow23]

Here I go again.

Yep, that's exactly how I felt on Monday morning. It sucked man! But look, you're back. You could have just walked away - but you didn't. Take it easy.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

I have been drinking water all night and this morning. I need to make the maple lemon water.

You know it started out okay. But truly I seem to have a switch and my X pushed my buttons. It was not a good scene and was not one I want to replay anytime. My body is also sore from all the stacking and I think the wine has exacerbated the soreness. Even my hands hurt from the wood stacking! My legs are fatigued. Drinking has rarely been fun for a long, long while. It would have been better to go out for pool, beers and hot wings than what I did do. BUT the roads were bad.
I still had some amazingly vivid dream though, and that doesn't usually happen when I drink. I had to get up to make sure my dreams weren't real by walking around the house looking at things to make sure my dreams weren't real! Scary.

[j-vo]

Here I go again.

Hi Isty,
Hope you can come back to the nest. I know all the tension there hasn't been a good thing. I see both sides, but I don't see how being harsh can help anyone, especially a girl of 22. I hope that she still goes to the detox tomorrow as planned. If you talk with her, tell her I'm praying for her. Yes, someone needs to get tough with her, someone who can really help her such as in rehab. She has a long, long way to go, she's so young, with a young child. But I don't feel that it was handled very well in the nest. She's new here, new to giving sobriety a go, has RA, and so many other difficult issues. OK. Now for you! Get back on the wagon with us, NOW!!! Is that tough enough? hehe. No, probably not. But Day 1? I hope so!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

JVO

Funny, I just posted on your thread. Great read btw and thanks for the kind words.

I did go to PM Lovely a few times about the harsher words. There is tough love, granted, but "I HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR YOU" That's not love at all.

I am doing well. Immersed in subtitled shows and movies. Keeping warm and just relaxing.

(((HUGS J-VO)))

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

I ventured into threads I hadn't gone too...yesterday and the day before. I know I read someone's post, about her family thinking she spent too much time here. What's tough for me about being here is so many of the posts are frightening! I think my knowing some information is just bad for me, I didn't need to know that many people have committed suicide, I didn't need to know all the severe withdrawal symptoms, I think it just adds to my anxiety, I know it adds to my anxiety! I called in for Xanax today.
What I have learned this time coming to MWO is that I really will trick myself and I really do want to NOT drink. I am not afraid of never drinking again! I am more afraid of continuing to drink. I just really don't want to. I am afraid of failing again and again. I am afraid of it escalating. I have been pretty lucky so far and seem to have been able to maintain an amt. the should be easier to kick than what many face. In many ways that actually makes me feel pathetic ! I want sobriety for myself and my family.the next few days will easy. We just won't open any wine etc... I am going to look up baclofen... Do research on that, hopefully find no horrible side effects. I may even check out a local AA BUT WOW, I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM DEFECTIVE THOUGH AND am not sure if that will make me feel more so. Ugh. My head is in a bad place today.

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

Abrupt discontinuation of oral baclofen may cause seizures and hallucinations. Abrupt discontinuation of intrathecal baclofen may result in high fever, rebound spasticity, muscle rigidity, and rhabdomyolysis (muscle breakdown) that can progress to failure of several organs, including the kidney, and even death.



Yeah I would be too afraid to take it!

[K9Lover]

Here I go again.

Having worked at a pharmaceutical company for 10 years, and submitting new drug findings to the FDA...I want you to know that drug manufacturers are required to list ALL side effects experienced by patients WHILE taking a drug. Meaning...if a person stubs their toe while taking a med, "loss of balance" will become a side effect. If a person gets a nosebleed while on a med "unexplained bleeding" will become a side effect. Do you see what I'm saying? It's good to know what you're taking, but it's bad to believe everthing that could possibly, one-in-a-million chance happen.

[j-vo]

Here I go again.

Hi Isty,
Hope you're doing well. I haven't been in the Nest as I couldn't keep up with all the posts. I've decided to join the Ladies on Mission in Monthly Abstinence. I'm on day 40 and feeling great! I've been reading lots on MWO, and still am not convinced that I've found all of my supports that I need. I used to go to AA, and had a bad experience with that. I was made to feel very low about myself, and i don't know if it was the group I attended or that's just there way of beating you down so you can rebuilt yourself. Anyhow, I hope you're doing well!

[istym4me]

Here I go again.

BREATHE!!!

I am doing well. Thanks. Well as in not over drinking at the moment.
J-VO... I have been reading many, many articles on how we are born differently, it's genetics etc... etc... and am starting to believe that there are other avenues we can look into. Mine would certainly be a 'retrain the brain' type of approach but also a more forgiving attitude toward myself and others. I have too much going on right now but really want to go into this much more deeply when some of the SHIT in life gets settled down.

K9- Thanks for your input. I know too many people that worked or work t pharms that give 'private' warnings, tests being manipulated, drugs that aren't supposed to be addictive being highly addictive and of course, the NEWS that gets brought out about Pharms just out right lying and then being sued.(money that rarely goes to those that have been harmed...) I don't trust them to have anyones best interest in 'mind' except their bottom line.

MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.

MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.


MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.

MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.
MY MANTRA- I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE MY POWER AWAY AGAIN.

[j-vo]

Here I go again.

Isty, yep, I believe genetics has everything to do with this. I'd be interested in your findings although I've read much about it, and I'm convinced that alcoholism, is a gene that runs in families. It does in my family.