New Member

[DjangoBob]

I stumbled across here yesterday while trying to figure out how to taper off phenibut, I'd been using it to work because delerium tremens and work don't really mix but I'd been on for a couple of weeks(sane dosing 500mg-1g a day) and HATE withdrawing from anything.

My problem, as it were, is alcoholism. I found heroin boring, meth was occasionally fun but after playing around with an IV user for awhile it quickly lost it's charm when I watched a sweet, intelligent girl turn into a paranoid and crazy mess whenever she used. There was no slide for me into alcoholism, I woke up around midnight the day after my 21st birthday, in the depths of my first real encounter with alcohol induced delirium and just decided I didn't have anything left to live for so why not drink myself to death? Finished off the rum around 3am and when I started hallucinating again a few hours later went straight to grabbing the Listerine. 6am rolled around and I stalked down to the store and grabbed a bottle of beer. I got into a fight on the way back and managed to catch a blade in my ribs before I was able to get my knife free and end the situation, I walked home, chugged half the beer, washed the blood off my face and hands and poured isopropanol on the wound, sewed myself up and kept drinking until I blacked out. That... was pretty typical for a long time. In retrospect that seems really, really insane, I'm not exactly the rough type but I did a lot of crazy stuff when I was drinking heavily. Still not sure how I got shot, but I had to glue up a bullet hole in my left shoulder one morning after a blackout. I was blackout drunk again within two hours. Frankly I'm just glad I'm still alive at this point.

I had done alright for a couple of weeks, but I ended up in a stressful position and slipped right back in. This time I turned into an asshole with someone I cared deeply about and started attending AA meetings in the morning after we had a long talk while I was DTing. I felt like a bit of an ass sitting in the back and not talking, mostly because I was so much younger than the other folks there but my condition was entirely out of control and it helped for awhile and I really like the folks there, I managed a couple of weeks free from alcohol, and was working again. I actually stumbled across this site looking for a dosing schedule to taper off phenibut, and honestly after looking at dozens of forums for recovery this seems like a nice place with lovely people so I signed up.

That's pretty much it. My entire adult life has been spent messed up and I have no real clue who I am anymore. Sober I seem to be witty and kind with folks, drunk I get short with people and I'm more likely to pull a blade than argue. It'd be bloody nice to actually figure out who I am, but I'm not able to do that drunk. You've got a lovely bunch of folks here though, maybe putting myself in this community will help.

[Mr Vervill]

New Member

Well, Welcome DjangoB,
You've got quite a back story there. Obviously you're a bright intelligent young man, searching for direction. I hope we can help with that.
While I've never experienced the DT's, thank god, I can relate to a lot of what you've spoken of. Obviously, you know that drinking just doesn't work for you, it might give you a great buzz for a time, then things turn nasty, and quick. The physicality of it all is overwhelming. It will kill you. Stick close, post daily and you'll find the support you need.
If I may ask, how old are you? How long have you been drinking? From the sound of things you hit it hard from the get-go as they say. I'm 57, been drinking for 40+ years. Been through a lot of the drug scene back in the 70's and 80's, many old friends are now dead. The same drugs were around then, just called them by different names.

[Kradle123]

New Member

Hi Django and welcome :welcome:
I love this Buddhist saying that the deeper the mud, the more beautiful the Altus flower grows...
This will be a wonderful journey for you. Please stay close and read read read.
Sorry I have to get to bed now. Long day but wanted to welcome you, sweetie. Sleep well,

:l:h

[Kradle123]

New Member

Oops! That should be lotus flower!

[DjangoBob]

New Member

Mr Vervill;1584083 wrote: Well, Welcome DjangoB,
You've got quite a back story there. Obviously you're a bright intelligent young man, searching for direction. I hope we can help with that.
While I've never experienced the DT's, thank god, I can relate to a lot of what you've spoken of. Obviously, you know that drinking just doesn't work for you, it might give you a great buzz for a time, then things turn nasty, and quick. The physicality of it all is overwhelming. It will kill you. Stick close, post daily and you'll find the support you need.
If I may ask, how old are you? How long have you been drinking? From the sound of things you hit it hard from the get-go as they say. I'm 57, been drinking for 40+ years. Been through a lot of the drug scene back in the 70's and 80's, many old friends are now dead. The same drugs were around then, just called them by different names.

I'm 24, my 25th is right around the corner. I started... well, right after my 21st birthday so I guess it's been about four years, I didn't bother trying to stop until about six months ago. It's a bit odd missing such a huge chunk of my life, but thankfully I was mostly solitary during that time and didn't manage to end up getting arrested or anything and my folks always had a place for me to stay.

[DreamThinkDo]

New Member

Welcome here Django!

Here's a thread that may interest you:
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...oup-85876.html

Good luck on your journey.

[istym4me]

New Member

Have you ever had a brain scan? This sounds very deep seeded. I have been drinking for more than 35 years and never hallucinated. Truly a scary thought. It makes me think maybe there is something more here. That doesn't mean don't try not to drink but that maybe going for an entire physical including an MRI may be in order.
I have heard of alcohol induced psychosis but I thought that was also very rare and under extreme conditions.

Welcome to MWO. Hopefully this will be some emotional support to you.

[Myluck]

New Member

Djungo, welcome! I can relate to your story, good that you dint get stuck for too long in drugs, as I lost 7 year to heroin. My doctor warned me that for ex drug addicts the road to AL dependency is very short. I am glad you are trying to break your AL tie. It seems that your nice mad smart person that is a lot better of being sober then other, at list it is safer for your life stay in touch.

[j-vo]

New Member

hi DBob! Yes, you're right. Lots of great folks here at MWO. You've found a great group of people. In the Newbie's Nest, we're all pretty newly sober peeps. Stop up there and get involved in the lovely support.

Also, I was thinking, do you have a doctor you can see regarding the tapering thing. Maybe he can prescribe something that would help you so that withdraw won't be so difficult. It can be dangerous, so see if you can find a good doctor that you can trust.

I have a nephew your age, and I feel as though I just wanna give you a hug right now, because I know you need it. I feel like such an idiot right now because I can't find those little pics with hugs. Pretend I'm hugging you! Stay close sweetie.

[MossRose]

New Member

Welcome Django. Glad you decided to join us. I have often said that MWO saved my life. I think it can help you too. After reading your story, I can only assume that you are getting tired. You have been stabbed and shot and you are not even 25 yet. You've done a lot of hard living in a very short amount of time. That's not a judgement, just an observation. But you are also very smart. You realize that AL is the common denominator in this craziness. Sorry to sound like a mom - but I have a son close to your age so it just comes naturally. Hang in there, okay? And post often. It really is the key to success.

[Mr Vervill]

New Member

How's things going today? Hoping a little smoother. Stay close here and post. The more you let us know what's going on the more we can help. There are a few threads on meds here, hope they can help.

[istym4me]

New Member

I keep loosing and finding this thread... Please check in! I do so wonder how you are or if you are coping.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

I've managed to not drink for the last couple of days. Honestly the phenibut seems to help a lot, more than benzodiazepines ever helped(they completely destroy my impulse control, I was on an SSRI for awhile but flat out refused to let the doctor give me a benzodiazepine and by the time I'd seen him I had already gone through a week of hell anyways) with the mental side effects. Physically I do a lot better at taking care of myself these days, making sure to eat and drink as soon as I'm out of booze whereas before I would just lock myself in my room with a lot of water for three or four days when I was aware enough to try quitting again.

I think the withdrawals were so severe because I literally did nothing but drink, read novels and hide from people for the first two years. Before I woke up a bit I was down to a hundred and five pounds(at 6', I have broad shoulders so I just took to wearing heavy coats whenever I left the house to hide the weight loss) and was probably eating three or four times a week. I was however drinking between four and five 40oz of 8% malt liquor a day. I rarely slept, generally I'd just pass out for an hour or two, wake up and find my bottle and be out again soon. By the time I realized how far gone I was anytime I even slightly sobered up I would lie awake shaking and feeling guilty and terrified until I was well enough to get back down to the store.

I should probably have noted I've been diagnosed by two different mental health professionals as schizoid. From what I've read this makes me prone to what's known as "brief reactive psychosis" which considering the torrent of anxiety and depression and just plain physical illness I experience after quitting drinking could likely be what's going on. I recognize the hallucinations for what they are and delusions are usually internalized( "My life is internal to a simulation and I exist only as a program who's job is to watch and observe information and no one can ever know.") and fade within a day or two. Most of the external symptoms seem to be gone after a week or so away from alcohol, I'm still a bit flat in affect but I find my sense of dry humor and I've always been a bit stoic when not drunk. Then I get angry(or celebratory, I have to watch that one better as I'm not used to the feeling) and hit the bottle, usually way too hard and start another physical cycle.

This last one has been quite a bit easier to break though, one sleepless night sweating and chastising myself(as opposed to ripping myself to shreds all night, shaking and vomiting) and I was able to eat and drink by the time eight in the morning rolled around. A want to drink but not that insane physical pull I normally feel and I was able to taper the phenibut downwards without any ill effect. I admittedly spent pretty much all day watching TV and working on an art project as opposed to something useful. My appetite returned rapidly and I managed some exercise. I admittedly need a shave but I seem to be bouncing back rather rapidly this time.

The fewer times I repeat this cycle the better off I'll be, mentally and physically.

[istym4me]

New Member

You have proven the one theory that most people with alcohol issues are highly intelligent.

You sure KNOW what you are doing and KNOW what to do about it. Boredom, restrictive outlets and untapped creativity are probably huge problems for you, more-so than most of us, although, I believe that 'we', the addicted, are all in some way boxed into a life the puts unwanted constraints on us. If it were okay to get crazy and dance in the streets, I would probably do so without drinking. Instead I have been getting crazy in my own mind, my own house... Have you watched the documentaries of the autistic and 'supposedly' mentally ill surpassing IQ testing etc...? The real rainman and the autistic woman that worked with cows- just do a search and I am sure you will find many traits similar to theirs. Your outlet just seems to be drugs/alcohol. They had a different environment and support system.

Do you have the option to go to school? Are there any scholarships for art near you or have you looked into that? What type of art project are you working on?

When I stop drinking, I often think not eating for a little while gives my liver a chance to catch up before I give it something else to help my body digest or detox. I try to juice- not store bought but fresh squeezed lemon juice or carrot juice. The slowly add food. I went 24 hours this time with just water then juiced and ate healthy.

So glad to hear you aren't presently drinking.

[Nelz]

New Member

Late to the party, but welcome aboard! :welcome: