New Member

[istym4me]

New Member

Bump- inquiring minds need to know how you are doing. Ha.

[MossRose]

New Member

Django - so glad to see you came back and posted again. It sounds like the phenibut is working. I wasn't familiar with phenibut, so I did a little research. I see that it is supposed to relieve anxiety too. That caught my attention. Please keep us posted on how it is working for you.

Keep eating, friend, because you could definitely stand to put on some weight. But I understand, when I would visit that "dark place", I never ate either. Got myself so thin, I scared people. Anyway, enough of the motherly advice, just happy to see that you are still here and hanging in there.

[Mr Vervill]

New Member

DjangoBob,
Thanks for checking in. It means a lot to us.
It's going to take a while to process what you're going through. I am, in no way a medical professional, but it sounds to me that on this withdrawl, you seem to be suffering more from the physical effects of AL. The Phenibut seems to be helping with the withdrawl. Me only suggestion here is to keep eating, from what I gather you seem to be through the worst of the physical withdrawl. Brain chemistry and blood sugar are so complicated. But I'd be willing to bet, eating as much good healthy food as you can stomach will help level things out. When you start to get a few cravings, hit a little sugar, hopefully in the way of carbs, to quell the crave. AL is just a sugar, and your body has been running on that sugar, minus the nutrition, for some time.
Glad the Phenibut has help with the anxiety. Now the real work begins, staying sober. Fight that urge.

[j-vo]

New Member

Dbob, do you have any family close by? Anyone who can help you through this? It sounds as though you're on the right road my young friend, and hope that you continue your journey and progress ODAT. Try to read through some of the "My Stories" to see that it's very possible to turn ourselves around and live the life that we're meant to live. You're such a bright, articulate young man. I hope that you can just focus on your health right now, taking baby steps as you're doing. I look forward to hear how you're doing.

[Mr Vervill]

New Member

Djangoob, Hope you're doing well. check in

[istym4me]

New Member

Thinking about you.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

Sorry I haven't responded, I've been a bit preoccupied. On the night of the 15th I was riding down to the store to get smokes for myself and my father and got pulled over for not having a light. I had just gotten off work, changed my boots and pulled on a coat so I had my work knife on me. I'd also taken a large stack of nootropics(phenylpiracetam and noopept) and had an acute anxiety attack. After being questioned as to whether I was using methamphetamine I finally admitted to using a small amount two days before(my intellectual curiosity had led me to see how it stacked with Noopept and I'd recieved maybe 50mg for free some time ago). I was arrested, taken in for a urine analysis. I don't know what it'll show. I leveled out once cuffed(since that's all I'd been trying to avoid) and was polite and concise with the officers. I was out of there in under an hour. I was charged for being under the influence of a stimulant drug and misdemeanor concealed possession of a dirk/dagger(which kind of pisses me off, it was only "concealed" insofar as it was under my jacket, I still had my shirt tucked in and it was COLD). It'll be a bit of an issue to sort out, but I don't intend to wait 'til the last possible date, I just want to get this out of the way. Best just not to waste anyone involved's time if you ask me, which is why I didn't bother arguing with the officer.

The arrest itself went surprisingly smoothly, I think the officer expected some form of resistance or whatever, he obviously thought I was high as hell. I relaxed once I realized I was going to get to walk home. I'm kind of ignoring the whole deal right now, but I've boned up on the relevant codes, not much else I can do until I appear and request a public defender. I really don't see this as something to cause me to drink, but it is a bit aggravating.

I bought a pint of rum on the way home and drank my way through about one o'clock yesterday. I WAS woken up by a friend of mine who I'd been out of contact with for some time, which was nice although we both have just been through quite a bit and while drinking kind of got on each other's nerves. She's asleep in my bed right now, so all's well that ends well I suppose.

I've been doing well apart from that though. I'll be sure to keep updating. You folks are pretty awesome.

[Mr Vervill]

New Member

Hey DBob,
So sorry to hear about the arrest, especially bumped-up with the concealed weapon charge. Hopefully the blood test will be negligible, and charges dropped.
Good to hear from you. Hopefully your friend can support what you're trying to do here.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

I was forced to make my friend leave. My dad hates her, I was hoping to hold her up for a few days because even though she's one of the meanest people I've ever met she makes me happy and she's sweet when she's not using, and she's been through... a lot in the last few weeks. I haven't heard from her in over 24 hours and I hope she didn't fall back into her old habits. I understand why most people hate her, I'm not blind, but I do happen to care about her a lot.

On a plus note I have a date coming up soon with a lovely little Mexican girl who works at a place I frequent, and I think I'll be able to finesse my legal situation. It's not really like I'll have to change anything if I can get put on diversion or probation, I need to not drink anyways and I rarely use anything else, being trapped here kind of bothers me, but my plans don't need to be delayed for more than a year or so as long as I keep on the path I'm on. I can replace the pot I use to sleep with doxylamine and not worry about it. I honestly don't enjoy the stuff like I used to anyways, I just smoke it and go to bed. Any other sleeping medicine will work just as well and I rarely smoke during the daytime anyways.

I did make a call to mental health services, I'm starting to experience some level of hallucinations again and I went catatonic for twelve hours or so the other day, I need to get that taken care of, it's not exactly a proper way to respond to being stressed. After my arrest I've seen a persistent hallucination from my youth, which has me a bit worried but I haven't gotten lost yet. I was having trouble getting mental help before, being extremely aware of your symptoms... doesn't mean they aren't there. Toning down my "awareness" makes it a lot easier to get help, I tend to be clinical when I speak and that awareness helps a lot, but just being aware isn't the same as taking care of it. I don't have much cash, but hopefully I can get a referral to a psychologist of some sort. I'm kind of spooked they might want me to take antipsychotics, but I'll just refuse them if they do. Crazy is something I can handle, the complete zombification of antipsychotics puts me into a terrible, terrible place and I can't do that. I used Seroquel to abort a couple of trips when I was into psychedelics and suddenly had to do something, but the stuff kills the entire creative side of my mind and... I'd rather be nuts and locked up in a rubber room than go through that again.

I have one more 250mg dose of phenibut to take to finish my taper, and that's going well, no symptoms have shown up, but I won't know for sure for another day or so due to the absurd half-life of the chemical. I stopped taking my nootropics for the time being, I'm sure I'll be back but right now I need to determine what "baseline" really is.

I carve gems(the art project I mentioned earlier), but I'm having some trouble deciding what to do with this agate slab. I was just scared and worried and skinned it(the nodule was in limestone I believe, I broke most of it off with my hands and it only took an hour or so to skin it with files) and polished the face I preferred. I wanted to give it to my friend as a pendant, but... that relationship is going to turn toxic rapidly if she starts using again and I need to take care of myself at this point. She won't be welcome here if I find she's using again. It's probably best to remove myself from that little world anyways, I could do without the constant paranoia and distrust it brings up in me. She's mad I won't use my old friends to help her collect some debts, I gathered them because I was(apparently rightfully) scared for her, but they're not thugs to use for some bullshit debts, they're my people. The kind of friends I can shake awake and tell to come with me in the middle of the night and they won't bother asking what's going on, just follow my lead or me theirs if they woke me. Because we all know if that kind of thing happens, it's something serious. It did put me back in contact with a few of my oldest friends though, I'm glad they were willing to back me without a question even after how much of an ass I've been while I was drinking. I guess I do have some folks around who care about me, and I need to remember that. I've been talking with them regularly since, social media does have some uses I suppose. It's a bit odd actually talking to folks again, but I'm trying to come out of my isolation

I live with my dad and his girlfriend's kid who's exactly a month younger than me. He's going through some legal trouble at the moment and trying to kick his own habit, we've gotten pretty close and it's kind of nice to have someone to talk to when I'm feeling pro-social and not just depressed and catatonic. His choices in people are questionable, but so are mine anymore. My judgement in general is kind of lacking, which bothers me quite a bit.

I'm still sober, I've been sleeping or, well, laying in bed, a lot. Trying to eat as much as I can and generally take care of myself, I was contemplating going off into the woods again for a month or so but I think everyone will worry too much if I do that and I'm lacking a knife and a firearm at the moment. I've not run into trouble out there before(well, nothing I couldn't handle without just posturing, you do run into bear and cougar on occasion but they don't want to fight anymore than I do), but my little nail cleaner isn't exactly a defense knife and I don't have anything else around if I do run into trouble. I don't even have an air rifle at the moment. Even something as little as a bobcat can become a serious problem if you're hurt and frankly, I just don't know if I'm in the physical shape to do that again.

I've only gone for a "walk" once since I started drinking, and it was early on when I was still in exceptional physical shape. I'm in decent shape now, but some of my old injuries from my parkour days are nagging and I don't want to be three days from help and have my shoulder or hip pop out of place or something. In the old days I'd have just popped it back in and hiked back out to the beach and looked for help but I'm not sure I can do that anymore. I'm not sure running off by myself into the woods for weeks at a time is really a viable defense mechanism anyways.

I'm going fishing near my old haunt this weekend, I'll decide then. I'll probably just spend a few days near trails and such if I do, I packed an obsidian nodule and a hammerstone in my bag just in case, but more likely I'll just go fishing and come home. If I'm lucky I'll come home with some flounder or skate(or even halibut), but honestly it'll just be nice to sit on the pier and TRY catching something, I like being out there quite a bit.

I'd rather go diving for abalone or oyster(or sculpin, I love taking sculpin and rays with a knife), but I'll take what I can get if it gets me near the ocean. Too many sea lions at that spot for me to feel comfortable in the water even during the day, big mammals mean big sharks and that's one phobia I was never able to overcome. I miss the ocean a lot though, I used to be down fishing three nights a week and on the sundays and mondays during the day, pulling rock cod and diving for shellfish. My friend is a lot like me, a few screws loose, too smart for his own good, quiet and self-contained. He's wrestled with his demons a bit more successfully than I have, and honestly we don't talk much, we just both happen to enjoy marksmanship, hunting and fishing and grew up together and have a similar sense of dry humor. Honestly, it's the best time I have with other folks, we trash talk a bit, catch up on where our lives are at and then just do what we were going to do(shooting there's a lot more trash talk, but it's all in good fun. We're both accomplished marksmen so our pissing contests usually entertain other folks at the range as well.) I look forward to a quiet night of us pretty much ignoring each other and trying to pull some fish. Maybe one of us will pull something big, there's nothing much more fun than holding down some big bastard of a fish for your friend so he can spike it and then figure out how we're going to get it home.

I really think I'll be alright though in the long run though. Once the physical need for alcohol has run out of my system I don't feel that desperate urge anymore. It doesn't bother me anymore to just tell people I can't drink, if pressed I just crack a smirk and say "You really don't want me to start drinking again." I've removed most of the toxic people from my life, and... frankly I'll remove all of them if I have to. And since I'm trying to get my life together anyways the only thing that'll change if I'm on probation is I'll have to use a different sleeping medicine, that might be a non-issue anyways as I have a medicinal card.

'slong as I can avoid jail time I'll chalk this up as a wake-up call instead of a major event. I dunno if I'd be able to hack jail time, my tendency to go catatonic or become extremely violent in response to stress might make it very, very bad but for a first offense I should be able to argue it down to a diversion program and... that doesn't bother me much. I need to get straightened out anyways, and a year or so knowing there'll be legal consequences if I screw up doesn't bother me.

Mostly I'm just worried about my friend, hoping she hasn't gone back to using. I really don't want to remove her from my life, but I will if she's gone back, I'm just not going to deal with this kind of thing anymore. My life has been ruled by addicts and other people's troubles for too long as I ignored my own issues, and I can barely take care of myself at the moment, let alone anyone else. But things aren't looking so bad apart from that, I have a date with a pretty girl this week(one I'll remember, it's odd not being nervous about it, downing half a fifth of whiskey was my normal pre-date thing, but I'm just happy I'll get to take her to a nice dinner and make her smile. Whatever happens afterwards happens, but I can do that much.), I'm going fishing(and hopefully shooting, I sold my guns when my drinking got out of hand so I pester my friends to take me to the range often) next weekend, and I'm not pounding myself down with alcohol. Impending legal trouble aside, things are looking pretty good. I'm going to a museum with one of my newer friends and his daughter this weekend as well, which feels a bit odd to me but hell, why not?

I may be an alcoholic and a screw up, but I'm young enough and smart enough to recover from a few years of stupid behavior I think. I've been considering schooling, probably biology or some kind of engineering, but it's still a ways off from coming to fruition as a goal. Mostly I just need to not drink, I'm mechanical enough that if I get straightened out I can work in my dad's field for a decent pay(I do have a year as an HVAC tech under my belt) while I try to work something else out. I don't mind not drinking in all honesty, and no other drugs have really hit my button and I've all but removed myself from that subculture(my friend of course, but I've just told the other folks involved in that stuff to not come around anymore. Someone I trusted actually came in my room the other day and was looking through my stuff for something[probably pot] while I was asleep. That's... disconcerting, better to just disengage now. I can't help everyone, and I need to remember that.), so as long as I can avoid drinking I should be fine. I'm a bit worried about the pot thing, I've been using it to sleep for years(I used to smoke all the time, but not so much anymore, socially I'll smoke a bowl and I use it to sleep, that's about it), but I know doxylamine works just as well, perhaps better, so it's more of an inconvenience than anything. I get my pot for free, but coughing up four bucks once a week for sleeping pills isn't exactly taxing even with the tiny amount of money I make. If I renew my card before going to court I may be able to sidestep it, but it doesn't bother me if I can't. Lately the stuff seems to bring more trouble than anything, I just locked it up, told everyone I stopped smoking and have a hit or two when I'm getting into bed.

Christmas is coming up, so I may be able to score a retail job. I work hard(too hard sometimes, my dad's boss has asked me to sit down a couple times as I'll just keep going until I can't move anymore), I'm friendly and polite, I'm aware I'm intelligent, a foot in the door is what I need more than anything else, once I establish that I'll be fine.

That seems... a bit long, but I have a tendency to vomit up whatever hits the keys when I'm typing, and especially when I'm anxious, so... there it is. Things aren't too bad really, just being sober seems to help me out quite a bit, I'm a bit worried about my legal issues and the mental health issues(I don't really know if I was masking it with drinking or if the drinking caused it, but it's progressed as I've sobered up this time), but that'll get sorted in it's own time. I guess vomiting on the keyboard in a place no one knows who I am helps as well, this really is a lovely forum.

Recovery seems like a real option for the first time in... well, since I decided to drink myself to death. I can't recover everything I lost in that period, but at the least I can try and make a life for myself. Running wild and not caring about a damn thing has gotten old, once I've snipped the last couple of loose ends I feel like I'll be able to have some sort of a life.

Some stuff makes me want a drink, but I just... don't. Because one drink leads to two and two leads to... well, the cycle I've been caught in. I managed to abort the last cycle with relatively few consequences, and I need to make sure I do that every time I relapse. It'll happen again I'm sure, but it doesn't have to lead to a soul-crushing withdrawal and two days of physical hell as long as I catch myself quickly. I actually threw out the end of my alcohol this last time, after my friend and I fought and she left I just got rid of it, which is something I've never been able to bring myself to do before. I could sit back and let others do it without getting angry, but I'd never actually done it myself.

I'm trying to make morning AA meetings part of my routine, but honestly I've just been so tired lately I haven't made one in a couple weeks. I just set my alarm for the morning though, I like the old timers down there and although I feel a bit out of place it's a positive environment and I need some more of that.

A bit of mental health direction and I should be on my feet for... well, the first time ever as an adult. That's... an exciting thought. I've been lost for a long time, but now I feel like I may be able to come out of this, have a chance at some kind of normal life. It's a bit odd to WANT all the things I actively despised growing up, a decent job and a family and such, I was always a bit off and hanging around the boundaries of society because I was more comfortable there, but now? That sounds good. I've been through too much to want to live like that anymore, and it's going to break me if I keep trying. Normality is unattractive to me, or used to be, but "normal" is what I want right now. I'll have plenty of time to get weird when I go senile.

Sorry for the word vomit, I'm sure there's some kind of rag around here though. ;-) I really do appreciate this forum being here though, AA is nice and all but I don't really feel anonymous there so I tend to censor myself on the off chance I do speak. I still feel a bit out of place there as well, I'm so much younger than everyone else(hell, one of the guys I actually talk to has been sober longer than I've been alive) and it's kind of nice to just type and not worry about running into someone who knows me from that at the store or something.

[istym4me]

New Member

Have you been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder?

I can't really follow your posts, primarily because you are taking meds or drugs that I have no knowledge of and I am trying to figure out how alcohol comes into your life, and if you want to get all drugs and alcohol out of your life...

Your writing is interesting and if you are benefiting from it, keep it up. It's a great way to reference your progress.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

I was diagnosed as having schizoid personality disorder as a teen, I shrugged it off then but my episodes of isolation and catatonia have gotten... worse, by a lot. I drank my way through yesterday as I woke up desperate and hopeless, my father has decided to use a hard nosed approach lately(it netted some results when my friend pulled it after all), but I'm approaching the point where I'm not really well enough to take it anymore. Getting yelled at leads to me isolating myself more and more. Dad doesn't see anything other than a drinking problem, but I'm seeking some psychiatric help. It'd be nice if I could at least be open about the drinking when I am, but it causes too much stress for everyone else and I'm more comfortable keeping it to myself unless I'm completely toasted.

It's an... interesting disorder. Mostly categorized by a "rich internal world" and an outward lack of empathy. I've been doing a lot of research on it of late. Reluctance to seek help is another common trait, although I seem to have overcome that. In my case I think it began as a way to not flip out after fighting when I was younger, I was beaten on quite a bit as a kid and I knew I needed to be calm and hide my knuckles when I got home or mum'd just beat the hell out of me again for fighting so I just started shutting off afterwards. I was quick enough to figure out that my knuckles wouldn't get messed up if I used a rock or brick when I got jumped, but I had a lot of trouble reconciling the massive amounts of damage I could do to someone so quickly with my self-image as... well, not being a violent person. By the time I was in high school it was mostly over, but most folks didn't want to associate with the "psycho." Moving away from that town has been... educational. The "psycho" reputation came back as soon as someone tried engaging me, but at least here I can run into people who don't know me. It may be a "front" but I'd rather folks know me as the kind and concerned guy who worries about his hair and boots too much than have seen all of that as I was growing up. A touch of vanity has actually been good for me it seems, I was wearing a full rabbi beard and hair to my waist until a year ago.

Oddly my disorder doesn't seem to have a high co-morbidity with substance abuse. And frankly apart from alcohol my substance use is more of the "Huh, I wonder what'll happen if I do X" than real abuse. It's not uncommon for me to just get rid of stuff I find destructive or habit forming. I know it doesn't help matters, but... I like playing with my mind, it's one of the few things I honestly just ENJOY which is why I've switched to using nootropics(those would be cognitive enhancing drugs) and mild herbal drugs rather than the dangerous designer psychedelics I favor. I haven't taken much of anything in the last couple of years, but the itch came back as I was trying to sober up and I'm surrounded by hard drugs pretty much constantly so... it is what it is. I've "slipped up" a couple of times, but apart from my alcohol use substance abuse isn't much of a concern. I like my phenibut and such, and they're the first drugs that have improved my quality of life since my initial forays into psychedelics. I also happen to favor being sharp and they certainly fill in that part, those experiments have been pretty much the only thing making me happy in quite some time. I'm hoping I've just antagonized things with all the stress and boozing and can get back to "eccentric" rather than "nonfunctional, raving mad" with a bit of help. I'm actually pretty sure I can.

I understand I can be a bit difficult to deal with for folks in person, I'm overly sensitive, am always trying to do everything as quickly as possible, rarely bother to explain my actions, and have a tendency to just go flat when pressed into a tight spot. It's exacerbated by the fact that I don't really respond to anything in a normal fashion. It's made it hard to get help because I don't act "ill" until I start to break down. I'm contained, confident, and precise when I'm sober and well, but my thought patterns are becoming disorganized even sober and I can see myself reacting badly to the feeling of powerlessness hanging over my head at the moment. It's a bit foreign but I almost feel a push to JUST DO SOMETHING to make the people around me realize I'm not just an alcoholic, but ill. I'm not saying I'll harm anyone else(that's really not in my nature, and neither is self harm), but I'm beginning to understand some bits of crazy actions other people take much more intimately than I care to. Being "normal" is more taxing than I ever realized, things were much easier when I wasn't bothering with people but that's just a consequence of being human I suppose.

But... actually working towards recovery doesn't seem all that bad. I tend to type too much, a consequence of my writing and isolation I suppose, I'm doing well enough, I have a date tomorrow, decent job prospects and such. I do have something of a life, but so much of it seems dedicated to trying not to drink anymore that... well, the normal stuff is easy and not something I worry about. In all honesty I'm a bit anxious about the date as I burned off more money than I can afford this weekend and wanted to impress, but I've pulled that off with less than twenty bucks in my pocket before. Some kind of normal relationship or courting thing would be nice, but hell, as long as she cracks a smile I'll call it good. One day at a time and all that.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

I'll make this a short one, my thoughts have resumed being organized again. I'm aware of the problem now, I was trying to maintain a ridiculous schedule and... well, sleep IS a necessary part of the human condition as much as I hate it. Without really being consciously aware of it I'd been sleeping only a few hours a night for a month, and my sleep schedule was... erratic... in the previous month. I finally slept well for a few nights, and got back to... well being me.

My friend was having some trouble coping when I was straightened out, there's only so much that I could do but we went on a lunch date after much prompting on my part. She got arrested on the way down, on a warrant that existed before I knew her. I hung around so I could get her bike and stuff to a safe place despite being told I could go immediately. I knew she'd be under arrest as soon as I saw the cop pulling us over. They took down my information, which... well, I don't really care about that.

We had a lovely night talking the night before, she wanted to "apprentice" under me as I have a bit of Qabbalistic knowledge and she was trying to control her outbursts and really only knows how to do it mentally. I'm superficially a Daoist, but I love talking the occult in person and I was a rather active ceremonial magician in the past. I think that she was using again, she had tremors she didn't seem to be aware of and stuff, and while I regularly stay up all night... she doesn't, but she did that night.

For my part I was in a bit of shaky mode after being two days out and tried to hide it. The police, as always, responded to my calm demeanor by not really messing with me and being polite and courteous with me. I've never had trouble with them before, and I managed... a long time without an arrest before so it's old hat when I'm not flipping out. Not my first time hanging around a friend being arrested, although when I asked for her stuffed monkey that was tied to her purse(I got her hat, coat, bike, and a few other things) I got asked if there was anything in it, the other cop literally laughed and I told him to go ahead and squeeze it. I got it all back home(walking two bikes at once is a bit shitty) with the help of my room mate. I ran into her oldest son on the way home, and felt like an ass explaining his mum just got picked up while with me. He's... 14, she's a bit older than me and had her first pretty young. I may have overexplained, people think poorly of me because I was associated with her, but... well, I just wanted to get her lunch and hope she felt better. I'd feel worse, but she had a warrant out when I met her, and well... I hope she finds some help. I still have my own legal troubles to sort, but at least she knows her stuff is safe with me.

I'm back though mostly, the voices and such are gone, even sober. I was forced into a tight spot and learned... well, a lot... about myself. I'm at... well, zero days alcohol free, but I want to be straightened out soon. I'd like to be able to help her out when she gets out, and as a nonviolent drug offender she's not going to serve what she thought she would. And well... yeah, I love her, but it's not a monogamous or even really sexual relationship although we've had some fun on occasion. I dunno if I can keep helping her ex-husband though, he's broken a couple of personal lines and is using meth like crazy. I don't wanna see her youngest get hurt, but the poor kid might be better off away from both of them. It's certainly not my call, or my preferred sequence of events, but... well, you can only feel for self-destructive people so much before you go nuts.

Date with a cute girl tomorrow though, and my life is going well. I don't really spend too much worry on myself, if I decide to off myself(not really a likelihood at this point) I'll just bloody do it. I'm not the type to seek attention, which is... well kinda how I ended up here anyways. Tomorrow is another day.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

My date went well, I happen to like this one and I'll do my best to keep her around. Neither of us drank during the date, which is kind of important to me. She wanted to come back to my place but I had to refuse(my room is... well, it's covered in my friend's stuff and that'd just be awkward to explain. "No those stilletto heels aren't mine, but I had someone living here recently" and such.). Not much of a complication, but I need to get my friend's stuff packed away if I want to have any kind of romantic life.

I've resumed my mystic practice which helps quite a bit, I'd forgotten the effect it had on my psyche but I feel like I'm coming home when I grab my ritual dagger and begin. It felt a bit weird to have someone want to "apprentice" under me anyways, as I haven't been a practicing... well, anything, for quite some time. I'm getting back in the swing of it though, and even just the schedule helps a lot.

I picked my guitar up for the first time in three or four years the other morning after meditating. I forgot how much I like playing. I'm not a crappy player, it was almost like grabbing a pen and writing in cursive, not something I do often but something I'm good at. My callouses are long gone, so I can only play for an hour or so at a time, but I really do enjoy it and intend to keep it up. Maybe actually learn some full classical pieces other than Moonlight Sonata, and when I get back into it possibly learn some flamenco guitar finally.

I've been drawing a lot, sometimes just my odd scribblings that turn into even odder completed pieces, but mostly nature drawings with colored pencils. I particularly like drawing flowers. I've drawn more tulips than I've ever had in my garden in the last two days. I have a piece of amethyst I've saved for forever that I'm attempting to carve into a lilac for my friend(I do think of her too often, but frankly I know it's going nowhere other than having a bed mate when one of us is feeling lonely and having... well, a real friend. I think the latter is more important to both of us at this point than any kind of sexual relationship). The stuff is hard as hell though and my rotary only works for about 45 minutes per battery charge so it's going to be a long term project.

I'm still having some trouble with being sober, I... feel stuff, and I'm really not used to that anymore. I'm used to being flat and apathetic, and... well, when sober my emotions feel too intense. Happy, sad, angry, all this odd crap I'm not used to and it feels... weird... to actually feel anything. I guess I'm going to have to get used to it though.

I'm cracking smiles when I'm alone though, and I'm not as disorganized mentally as I was even a week ago, so I guess that's a good thing. A bit odd to actually feel all this stuff, but... well it's better than complete apathy.

Kind of nice to have a spot I can just pour my head out into though. So... :thanks: for just existing.

[DjangoBob]

New Member

My date came over to stay the other night. We didn't get around to... well, having fun, but she pulled me into my bed with her a bit after I started our movie. She curled up around my chest and fell asleep rather quickly. After the movie ended I was lying there in silence and started to freak out. I decided to get up and have a smoke and a shower like I generally do in that situation.

I got nowhere, she just pulled me down, kissed me on the forehead and told me, "It's okay, I've got you." I smiled and lay down with her. I dunno if she remembers doing it or not but... well, it was nice to just think she'd hold me and was aware enough to know I was freaking out. Who knows if that's what happened or not? Not I. But it made for a lovely night. And... well, being self-aware as hell it made for some thinking.

I think a lot of my drinking stems from the fact that I'm lonely as hell. For most of my "grown"(I'd call that 16+) life I always had a good woman around. Someone who'd smack me upside the head if I got stupid and would hold me when I started to fall apart. One of them even got it entirely, when I fall apart I don't want to bloody talk about it, I just need to be held and have my hair stroked for a bit and in a few minutes I'll be... well, me again. That little bit of intimate physical contact can prevent a lot of bad stuff from happening to my psyche.

Might not be healthy, but I can't imagine it's any less healthy than going completely flat and not eating for three days or my current drinking habits.

This whole "fuck buddy" thing isn't working for me. At sixteen I'd have been pumped to know I had three women I could sleep with... but I don't really get to sleep with them. I get visited, get them off and get laid, then they leave... which just leaves me as lonely as I was before they came over. Even lonelier a lot of times. Anymore I just try to get them happy and exhausted so I have someone to cuddle with for the night. I'm not tooting my own horn to say I can usually pull that off, but... well hell, it's not like they stick around come morning. I just want someone who I can sleep with(actually sleep, not just "play") and sticks around at least long enough for me to cook breakfast.

I'm kind of hesitant to start any kind of relationship other than the casual ones I have though. My mind is a minefield, and I don't really know if it's smart to let anyone too far in, I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else and while I'm not violent, I'm... very sharp tongued... when my buttons are pressed. And... frankly, there's a lot of buttons.

My self-confidence is still shot to hell. It really shouldn't be, and oddly(at least for a dude) it has nothing to do with women. I can pull women, that's... not really the issue. Violent situations are about the only place I'm really confident. Pull a knife on me? I KNOW I can take it without getting seriously hurt and I'm going to stomp on your head to make sure you don't do it again. Give me a deadline for a writing contract? I turn into a scared little kid and shake so bad I can barely type until I'm done.

Still, a date with a nice girl was probably what I needed. She seemed honestly surprised I didn't try anything except for cuddling up and sleeping. Which... frankly is what I'm after more than sex. Sex is easy to get, someone who'll hold you when you're freaking out and trying to sleep is rare. Hence why I'm taking her out again in a couple days. It'll probably turn out like usual, a couple stupid arguments and I'll be done, but it's nice to dream.

I dunno, I'm ranting again. I could go on for another twelve hours and not really pour out my mind so I'll stop here.

[Alky]

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If you're not a writer, you should be.