I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

[Jasperbob]

I am a mother of two teenagers in my 50s who also has a high stress professional job.
I have been drinking too much off and on for many years.

I have had massive turmoil in my life for the last five years, culminating in finally getting the courage to leave my very unhappy marriage early this year.

It has been a positive step and an amicable split but I was surprised to discover I was overwhelmed with anxiety . my doctor prescribed anti anxiety medication which is helping.

I am incredibly blessed to have started a new relationship with the most wonderful man , who has also recently left a bad marriage. The relationship is not public on account of our circumstances and our children . I never expected to fall in love again and it has been utterly wonderful . We are so compatible it is overwhelming.

However with my delicate mental state I suffer from terrible angst when we are not together and sometimes feel insecure , wondering if he really loves me and all that stuff . actually I know he does .


we both like to drink.

here is my rock bottom. I drank too much early on Friday evening at a friend's house and went home at about 10 pm. I then joined my boyfriend for a few more drinks at a local,bar and he took me home at about 11.30.


but here's the problem. I remember NOTHING at all after leaving my friend's house. Not a single thing. Unfortunately my stunned and bewildered boyfriend filled in the gaps ....I was fine for the first half hour then something changed and he thought it best if he took me home. He has to practically carry me the mile home , and I became angry and abusive and said some truly awful unkind AND UNTRUE things to him.


I now know that the maxim " in vino veritas" is, in this case at least, utter bullshit. I cannot for the life of me understand how some part of my drunken brain created such an outburst of bile to make me say things I most certainly do not think. I have never ever been an angry drunk .

I have concluded that the excess of alcohol combined with the recent meds caused this aberration .



I love that man with all my heart . We have discussed it at great length and he has forgiven me and agreed to put it behind us. He potentially saved my life. I am still very shaken .

[Pinecone]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Hi Jasperbob and welcome. I wanted to send you some support. I found it helpful to write myself a letter when I hit my own rock bottom. I used to like to drink too, but what I really NEEDED to do was to get alcohol out of my life for myself and my family. At first I was afraid that I would be depriving myself of one of life's "pleasures" but I've come to see how false that was. This is a good place (thanks Queenbug, love that quote) for support and real, concrete strategies on quitting successfully. You will never, ever regret quitting, not even one little tiny bit. I hope you stick around! :welcome:

[allswell]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Hi Jasper,

Capture that feeling in all of it's unglorious hell because that feeling is what keeps us from drinking when we start to feel better and get that laid back, it's not a problem mindset. Think of every single thing in your life that is important to you and I'll bet it took work and determination to get it. The same holds true for letting go of alcohol. You can do whatever you put your mind to if your serious.

[FlyAway]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Welcome to MWO. It was very brave of you to come here and post. If you want to take control of your life, we can help you.

I too have a high stress job and "numbed" myself to the stress for years. I was the queen of not feeling or denying and suppressing emotions. But emotions and stress don't go away if they're not dealt with. They will hang out in your body and eventually manifest themselves in a physical ailment or come out when you truly lose control of your body, as it sounds like you did the other night. The hate and anger you spewed on Friday may have been emotions you suppressed over the past 5 years from your husband.

When you first stop drinking, one of the hardest things to get used to is just "feeling and dealing." Feeling those emotions you're been suppressing for years and dealing with life as it truly is, without the edge taken off.

Do not forget this shaken feeling. This is the truth behind your alcohol use. When you have a craving, remember this feeling. You will never regret not drinking the next day, although the chances are great that you will regret drinking. Best wishes to you.

[scottish lass]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Hi and welcome.
Your story is not that unusual, and you will find a lot of support and help here.
I am also in my 50's with 2 teenage girls (well one is an almost teen!) and a high powered stressful job, who is going thru a divorce after leaving my marriage 3 years ago.
So lots of similarities - I am still struggling to give up drinking, but in the last couple years here, I am so much better than I was.
There are a couple good places to start - the newbies nest and the tool box. One is lots of support from those who are starting with a few who have succeeeded, and the other gives good ideas as to how to make this work.
Good luck to you - you won't regret it

[IAD]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Hay the good thing about hitting rock bottom.....your only way to go is up ! Welcome........check out the site, look at the threads......join the ones you think will help you out. Good Luck ! Tony

[Jasperbob]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

wow, so many kind and understanding responses . Thanks to you all from the bottom of my heart.
flyaway, you are very wise. It had not occurred to me I might be expressing all that pent up bad stuff I had for my ex husband but that is actually a very plausible explanation.

He had a bad temper and I was always doing the walking on eggshells thing and never ever got angry with him because he would come back at me raging in an uncontrolled and frightening way. I was afraid to leave for many years for this reason but in fact the parting was surprisingly ok and we are getting along fine now we are apart.

I guess he is just another flawed individual who wasn't happy either.

I still can't believe I hurt my kind , strong boyfriend. Once the initial hurt and anger subsided he has been wonderfully understanding and forgiving . This has shaken me really badly . I have been drunk and done some pretty stupid things in the past ( not for a long time ) but never blacked out, became aggressive. or said things I didn't mean.

One of the reasons I decided to post here is to make a permanent reminder to myself how close I came to losing it all.

A brief web search landed me here and I have spent several hours reading the messages. I am astonished at how many people have confessed to drunken sexual encounters whilst being in stable loving happy relationships. Now that I have experienced a blackout I can actually envisage, with horror, how that might happen. ANYTHING can happen if you are not in control of yourself .

[Loveless]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Welcome jasper! I am new too only been here a few days but the people here are really supportive its awesome. you can do it

[istym4me]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Plan?

I am wondering if you have a plan and what that might be. It sounds like one of the things you have in common with your new love is drinking... are you both going to quit?

i used to take xanax, it's a bad combination to take while drinking. It can really make you sleepy and make the drunk stronger. How much are you taking in a day?

[Nelz]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Be thankful for a rock bottom, it can be very powerful in your journey, use it as a constant reminder to where you never want to be again.

[Pavati]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Welcome, Jasperbob.

Sorry you had to experience that, but you've come to a great, supportive place. Read and post, read and post. I'm glad your boyfriend was supportive and forgiving - I hope you don't get a chance to test him like that again! Join us in the Newbies Nest if you want.

[Jasperbob]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Thanks again everyone.
istym4me, the only plan I have today is not to drink today and never to repeat the experience.

[DreamThinkDo]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Jasper, welcome here. Not drinking is a good start, but have you considered what you are going to do instead of drinking? Make a list of things, so that when you want to fill that glass - and can't think of anything else you'd rather do - there are alternatives.

Good luck!

[MossRose]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Hi JB. I just wanted to chime in and say welcome. Very glad you found us and had the courage to post.

I'm another one who can relate - 50s, have two sons, left a terrible long-term marriage recently and love/hate my high stress job. I also have been struggling with severe anxiety recently. I believe Fly has hit the nail on the head. You are still processing some pretty extreme emotions. "Walking on eggshells" for all those years taught you to hold things in just to keep the peace. Now, as difficult as it is (and I'm working on this myself) you are still learning to feel comfortable expressing authentic feelings and emotions without fear of reprisal. It takes time to heal such deep wounds.

I'm sorry that you had such an awful experience the other night. But as the others have said, as painful as it is to think about - try to use it as a reminder of why you can't drink. I joined MWO and got serious about quitting when I started having blackouts. That was truly my bottom. I've said it many times, blackouts = disaster. Period!! Please be careful and try not to drink while taking the anti-anxiety meds. I don't need to warn you how dangerous that can be.

You have endured much, and need to be kind yourself now. xx

[Jasperbob]

I think I reached my rock bottom on Friday.

Mossrose, how interesting the similarities between us.

The anxiety really caught me off guard when I ended my marriage , because it was absolutely the right thing to do and my exhusband has been completely reasonable throughout and our children are happy.

I also managed to lose a great deal of excess weight and have not looked this good in a very long time, so I had sorted out the two biggest problems in my life , so why the overwhelming anxiety?

if anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.

Very true about wanting to be completely authentic.


I sort of don't know who I am anymore . I know that sounds terribly self indulgent and first world problemish, but if I'm not the unhappily married fat girl who drinks too much, who am I?

Fortunately the meds are starting to work .

dreamthinkdo, that's a good point, about filling the time. I am spending more time with my children when they are with me , and doing more housework when they are not!