Going Down the Rabbit Hole

[j-vo]

Do you wanna go down the rabbit hole? Byrdie wrote this post and I copied and pasted it. When AL starts talking, we need to start walking. This was very helpful to me and I'm gonna re-read it. Thanks Byrdie.

The following is a post by Byrdie about "going down the rabbit hole." I copied and pasted, as I think this is where I fall into a trap - Can I moderate, shouldn't I just be able to have one or two on special occasions? The truth is a big fat NO. But the ugly voice starts talking to me in pictures of people with an AL drink in their hands showing happiness, on tv/movies, and I start to romanticize the AL idea. Yeah, that first one or two is a great feeling. But what about the 3-10th drink which inevitably will happen to me. Yeah, Al loves me that much, he wants to pour more down my throat. Wait, he hates me and wants to see me die a slow death, wants me to get into that first Drunk driving accident, wants me to destroy my organs and die. So I must read this below, because I don't wanna go down that rabbit hole. I know it's going to take a long time for situations to be normal without AL. I'm going to take those one situation at a a time. No, it's not normal now. Yes, it's wierd, foreign because it was so habitual and addictive. READ:


Byrdie: "Belle...when you hear me refering to going down the rabbit hole...I am talking about the thoughts that make you want to drink. One thought leads to another, until finally, thoughts are actions and you are sucked in. I noticed it when you mentioned that your 30 days would be up the day before Thanksgiving...and that a glass of wine with the meal would be grand. This will get you in the hole in a hurry....Take the wine off the table (figuratively and literally) and you will be glad you did. It puts you in a state of turmoil.

You want Peace, right? Let us go down the rabbit hole together...shall we? There's the family....all gathered, giving thanks. That one glass of wine in front of you. What are you thankful for? blah, blah, blah.....and it goes around.

Before you know it the solitary glass of wine is gone. Someone pours you another....(oh you shouldn't, but it IS Thanksgiving, after all). If you are able to stop at 2 you are a better person than I am. I would dare to say that even if you didn't have any more....the next day you'd feel the GSR brothers...(Guilt/Shame/Remorse). And alas...this is FRIDAY....the best drinking day of the week! And a day off from work...I bet you go to the store and get some of your old favorites...

Then it's the weekend...and then you've blown it totally and why not drink... everyone else is??? The whole holiday thing sucks...all this wine around, why shouldn't I be able to drink like everyone else?

The next thing you know, the holidays have come and gone...and you don't even know where they went. (the line that spoke to me...)

You find yourself feeling anxious, alone and depressed....because here you are right back where you started....Day Freakin 1. If you are me, it's was this point I didn't care if I lived or died...everything I had worked for had gone to hell in a basket.

BUT, let us back up for a second, and relive this whole thing of my rabbit hole theory. Your 30 day anniversary is celebrated by your friends in the nest! And day 31 is Thanksgiving. You wake up with a clear head and are able to enjoy your food and the people. You are sober now, you don't drink. You don't so much RESIST the drink as you do REFUSE IT...you actually remember the day (what people said) and you are FREE of the demon that wants so badly to live in you. The next day you feel like you've won a victory!! YOU HAVE DONE IT! You've gotten thru your first Turkey Day without AL! On to day 32, and girl I'll tell you, no drink tastes better than being sober feels.

By Christmas, instead of being a blurry mess, you will be in control!! No guilt! No Shame! No Remorse! You will never regret being sober. You know how the story ends...make it happen!!! When you feel your thoughts going there....tell yourself NO! HELL NO! And recite the Pledge of Allegience, or name the 7 Dwarfs or Dwarves....google whether it's Dwarfs or Dwarves.....do anything you have to do to get that thought out of your head. Don't go down the rabbit hole. I've been there and trust me, there's no good to be had down there. Keep your quit no matter what or no matter who!!! I'll be perched up on your shoulder and I will knock you up side the head if you think of having a glass of wine!!! Deal??? Love you all!! Byrdie"

__________________

[BelleGirl]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Hi j-vo, Byrdie and all you Nestlings...I'm the Belle that Byrdie was talkiing to in the Rabbit Hole post. I'm so glad you found that and brought it up again.

That was 2 years ago, when I was hitting (my first) 30 days right before Thanksgiving. I did make it through Thanksgiving that year, but had a little glass of wine while putting up the Christmas tree...a bit more on Christmas eve...and then gulped vodka at my parents' house on Christmas day (I think my sister-in-law saw me, but never mentioned it).

That rabbit hole is pretty darn slippery.

I was still "moderating" over new years and managed to not do anything crazy. But, soon after that, the old habits started creeping in because I had one foot in the rabbit hole and it was getting pretty slippery. On January 13, 2012, I fell completely in. I was home alone with the kids on a Friday night, bored, and started gulping vodka in my favorite room (the laundry room where we keep the booze). Of course, the first one goes down real smooth, warm and feels wonderful, but when the buzz starts receding, I go for another. Rinse and repeat until I am wasted. (Luckily hubby was working late.)

But that night, my brother called me. My brother who I admire and love and who has always been there for me to lean on. I remember having the hiccups and was probably slurring. He asked me if I had been drinking and I lied. I lied to one of the most important people in my life. The G/S/R brothers were so happy to see me again at 3am. I felt so bad that I wrote an email to my brother and told him the truth (that I had been drinking, but not the extent of my problem) and apologized for lying to him. He assured me it was no big deal...that things like that happen to "everyone".

However, the experience changed me, and I have not had a drink since that night.

It has not always been easy, but always worth it. My husband who I am sure was/is in denial about my alcoholism only said "you did the right thing" when he realized I was not drinking any more.

The irony is that a few weeks ago, my brother admitted to me (while he was still drunk one morning) that he has a drinking problem. In his drunken state, he told me all kinds of things I never knew about him (and probably didn't want to know). However, he is the first person outside of MWO who I could admit to how much of a problem I had...and how to find tools to get out of his "rabbit hole". I can help him, because he knows "I get it".

The opportunities for temptation never cease. A few weeks ago, while out celebrating a few birthdays with friends, I was asked more than once "why don't you get a glass of wine". Even my husband asked me to taste the scotch he was drinking. My first thought was "what's the point with a taste or even one glass".

I know where one taste or one glass will take me...straight to that damn rabbit hole. And I am NOT going there again!

Best to you j-vo. I'm glad Byrdie's rabbit hole post spoke to you. It certainly did to me, though it took a while to sink in.

[Dottie Belle]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Great post BelleGirl....I have been down that rabbit hole myself..so glad to be on solid ground now.

[j-vo]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

BelleGirl,
Thanks for sharing that with me. It's reading those kind of posts that keep me on track and knowing that I can never become complacent. That's what scares me, sort of. Just as you said the opportunities for temptation never cease. That unnerves me quite a bit. But I need to keep all of the nasty and horrible things AL did to me for so very long. I don't want any of that anymore. Sometimes I feel so confident that this quit is the one, yet it's only been 31 days for me. I see you've got two years almost! Congrats to you. That's so wonderful. And I would gulp on vodka, too. How have you manage to stay sober for the past two years? Any wise words for a newbie? Thanks so much for posting!

[little beagle]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

I have been thinking about Byrdie's rabbit hole lately. It really is a huge help. Thanks for reposting this.

[Pavati]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Hi,

Byrdie's post made an impression on me, too. One of the things that has helped me the most every time I get an inkling to have "just one" is taking a minute to play out the scenario - I can sometimes even taste the hangover. Remembering the mental and physical anguish of a bad morning can be a powerful deterrent.

Thank you so much for popping by and sharing your story, Belle. That really does mean a lot to us newbies (only on day 19 here). Congratulations on your 2 years!

[lifechange]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Thank you for this thread, and for posting your story again, Belle. These reminders are so helpful to us.:h

[BelleGirl]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Congrats to you all with your AF days so far! You mentioned "only" X days, but those are X days that you could have drank but didn't. We all start out with X days, but you should be PROUD of a great start.

j-vo asked me for any wise words for a newbie. I don't know if any of this is wise, but I will tell you the 4 things that keep me sober.

1) I never think about not drinking for "forever". That is just too much to deal with, even after nearly 2 years. All I know, every day, is that I am not going to drink Today.

2) I frequently play out the drinking scenario in my head, like Pavati mentioned. I don't really have cravings anymore, but walking though that scenario is like doing exercise to keep my AF muscles strong. It goes something like this: I remember how that first gulp of vodka is so wonderful and warming...and then when it starts wearing off, going for the second. That one wears off more quickly so I go for the third, which wears off even more quickly...and on it goes to where I don't think I'm drunk, but obviously am to anyone else. And then I fast forward to waking up with the G/S/R brothers...and the hangover which kills an entire day.

3) I learned how to say a polite but firm "No Thank You" when offered alcohol. I have never announced to friends and family (except my brother) that I am not drinking, I just take it one event at a time of "no thank you's".

4) I have a signature mocktail for when I go out. I call it the "Belle-a-rita" (thanks to my 10 year old daughter for naming it). It is simply half cranberry juice, half club soda with a twist of lime. The lime twist is important because it makes it feel festive.

I hope this helps you all.

One more thing. I love cooking. Many recipes call for wine. In fact I just started something in the crock pot that called for 1 cup of red wine. I buy the smallest amount that I can get by with and usually buy those small (1 serving...HA) bottles, or small cartons. I don't open it until the last minute and breathe through my mouth while I measure it out. Before I can think of anything else to do with it, I quickly pour the remainder down the sink.

I believe I'll have to remain vigilant for the rest of my life. After talking to my brother, we believe that alcoholism does indeed run in the family. We thought we were safe because our parents are not alcoholics.

And one last weird fact: Many years ago (when I was young...) I married an alcoholic. It only lasted 6 years, and we divorced mostly because of the problems alcohol was causing...and he would not get help...until it was too late. I attended rehab meetings with him, so one would think I was the "expert" at all things alcoholic.

Lesson: It can happen to the best of us.

Sorry I blathered on so long. I really wish the best for you in your path to sobriety. It is especially hard during the holidays...but you really can do it. Just exercise your AF muscles and they will support you.

Love,
BelleGirl

[istym4me]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Great thread! NPR has had a morning special on about WINE!! I needed to read this.

[Nelz]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

All hail, the wise and mighty.......Birdie :wave:

What a great post, love the idea of getting started......."before" the holidays......just take the first step peeps........its ok, the water is fine

[K9Lover]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Wow Belle....LOVE your posts!

I am always aware that I have one foot in the rabbit hole and one on a banana peel....I need to constantly watch myself.

It's all TOO EASY for one sip to become a binge...been there/done that. And the GRS brothers at 3am are just waiting for us...sneaky bastards.

Thank you so much for sharing. I love your 4 tips. I always "fast forward" from the first sip of beer to the next day wondering what the hell happened. After beer 3 or 4 it just isn't fun anymore, and everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

For me, drinking isn't butterflies and rainbows, it's DUI's, handcuffs and a cellmate named Diablo.

If that ain't a harsh reminder, I dont know what is.

[Loveless]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Yes, I think "Going down the rabbit hole" is a very good metaphor for drinking. I'll have a drink when i get up to curb the withdrawal, but then after i have that first one i lose all control and then start the whole process over again. The day after tomorrow i am going into detox. i want to leave my son with my grandmother, but im worried my husband will refuse and get upset....

[j-vo]

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Bellegirl,
Thanks for those tips. I've been copying and pasting these great tips from others into my journal, and I'd like to do the same with the ones you posted above. I appreciate your story, and how you're living in the present, not thinking long term. I think that would be too much for me now or ever. Thanks again!!!!! BTW, how is your brother doing? It's wonderful you have him to talk to. I'm close with my sister and have a few really close friends that I can talk to. That's a blessing, and so grateful for them. They never tried to talk me out of this, as they know I struggled for years. They're encouraging and I'm thankful.