It's been six months since I joined MWO and I think it's time for a bi-annual check in. I've been thinking a lot lately about how important MWO has been in my continuing struggle to beat my addiction to alcohol. But there is another thing I have started to notice, and I need to share it with you all.
When we first join, we are very vocal. We share our stories, we get support, we stay connected, and accountable. I probably drove you all nuts in those early days, but I was drowning and you all threw me a lifeline and pulled me to shore. There are no words to describe my gratitude. But after several months, it's been easy to fall into a routine...welcome new members, cheer on or console old friends, or post a quick update in the nest. And while each post is sincere, it's also easy to quit doing the most important thing, and that is to remain accountable to ourselves and others. My friends, I feel that has happened to me. So much has changed in my life in the past six months - some good, some bad, and some I can barely talk about. But the journey has been so worth it. For each fall, there have been months of sobriety. Days that I cherish.
Anyway, I've posted in the past about feeling like a hypocrite. Well, recently I have either had a breakdown, or a break-through depending how you look at it, but it has made me realize just how early in my recovery I really am. Here I am struggling each and every day, yet I'm too frightened to say it out loud. I never want to discourage anyone. But I'm also trying to live more authentically now, so I am just putting this out there and letting the chips fall where they may.
In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with some demons. It caught me totally by surprise. I was going along just fine, and then - wham - things I hadn't dealt with came back to haunt me. I posted a bit about it in the nest, but I really just skimmed around the edges. I'm not going to bore you with the details (I save those for my counselor) But I realized that I am still very fragile. I started having terrible anxiety that I couldn't control. I was in a dark place. So, about a week ago,I decided it was just too hard to deal with the difficult emotions, and thought a glass of wine sounded like a good idea. And for a few days, it stayed right there - a glass or two of wine. Well, you know how the story ends. I should have posted here first, but I thought I could handle it on my own. Now we can get into some real fun words - disgusted, nauseated, horrified, sad, pathetic, etc. I'm not too fond of myself right now. Which of course, is making the anxiety worse.
I have been told that I need to go on anti-anxiety meds. I have never taken them, or any anti-depressant, so don't know what to expect. I am leery. But I trust all of you, and if you think it is a good idea, I will consider it.
I am sorry if I let anyone down, but no one could be more disappointed in me than I am in myself. Well except for maybe my sons. I'm not drinking today. And my plan is to stop this madness again completely. But I had to tell you all the truth, and take my comeuppance. I deserve it. Please don't be kind. I want tough love. It will get me back on track.
xx,
MossRose
When we first join, we are very vocal. We share our stories, we get support, we stay connected, and accountable. I probably drove you all nuts in those early days, but I was drowning and you all threw me a lifeline and pulled me to shore. There are no words to describe my gratitude. But after several months, it's been easy to fall into a routine...welcome new members, cheer on or console old friends, or post a quick update in the nest. And while each post is sincere, it's also easy to quit doing the most important thing, and that is to remain accountable to ourselves and others. My friends, I feel that has happened to me. So much has changed in my life in the past six months - some good, some bad, and some I can barely talk about. But the journey has been so worth it. For each fall, there have been months of sobriety. Days that I cherish.
Anyway, I've posted in the past about feeling like a hypocrite. Well, recently I have either had a breakdown, or a break-through depending how you look at it, but it has made me realize just how early in my recovery I really am. Here I am struggling each and every day, yet I'm too frightened to say it out loud. I never want to discourage anyone. But I'm also trying to live more authentically now, so I am just putting this out there and letting the chips fall where they may.
In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with some demons. It caught me totally by surprise. I was going along just fine, and then - wham - things I hadn't dealt with came back to haunt me. I posted a bit about it in the nest, but I really just skimmed around the edges. I'm not going to bore you with the details (I save those for my counselor) But I realized that I am still very fragile. I started having terrible anxiety that I couldn't control. I was in a dark place. So, about a week ago,I decided it was just too hard to deal with the difficult emotions, and thought a glass of wine sounded like a good idea. And for a few days, it stayed right there - a glass or two of wine. Well, you know how the story ends. I should have posted here first, but I thought I could handle it on my own. Now we can get into some real fun words - disgusted, nauseated, horrified, sad, pathetic, etc. I'm not too fond of myself right now. Which of course, is making the anxiety worse.
I have been told that I need to go on anti-anxiety meds. I have never taken them, or any anti-depressant, so don't know what to expect. I am leery. But I trust all of you, and if you think it is a good idea, I will consider it.
I am sorry if I let anyone down, but no one could be more disappointed in me than I am in myself. Well except for maybe my sons. I'm not drinking today. And my plan is to stop this madness again completely. But I had to tell you all the truth, and take my comeuppance. I deserve it. Please don't be kind. I want tough love. It will get me back on track.
xx,
MossRose
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