My Story

[frances]

My Story

What a wonderful reflection - it is so nice to hear your experience!

[j-vo]

My Story

Ava,
xxxooo lovely post. It's great feeling "nice." Agree so much.

[NomoreJim]

My Story

Ava I just happened to find this post. I started reading it from the beginning. I wish that I had seen it earlier in my quit but no time like the present. You have certainly come a long way since you started this thread. It's just my opinion but I think you should bump it for all the Newbies to read. It is a real testimonial to all of the reasons to be sober.

[Guitarista]

My Story

available;1618578 wrote:
I now know it is not weak to ask for help and support, i dont need to appear strong all the time

I love the whole thread Ava, but this especially speaks to me.

Thanks. G bloke.

[available]

My Story

Thanks Jim you words are much appreciated. I never thought i could stop drinking in the first place and secondly i never thought i would realise what an arse i was due to al. At the end of the day we only have one life to live and thank god i found mwo and the support i have needed. Acceptance that i am an an alcoholic and the choice i have made to stop drinking is what i live by now. Two words that have taken me 20 years to take on board and act on completely.

Mr G the hardest thing i had to do was tell my children i was an alcoholic and i needed their support. I have always been the strong one, their carer, their mainstay, the one they came to for guidance, support and love. I was the strong one when married, looked after the home, worked, cared for the children, paid the bills etc etc. It has taken me years to realise that asking for help does not show a sign of weakness, it actually shows great courage and strength just like you are doing now.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. xx

[j-vo]

My Story

It has taken me years to realise that asking for help does not show a sign of weakness, it actually shows great courage and strength just like you are doing now.

Amen, Sista!

[NomoreJim]

My Story

Ava You are way ahead of me I haven't told my children yet. Still haven't got the courage to go down that road. I was drunk around them but never drank around them if that makes sense.

[available]

My Story

My children are 27, 25, 23 and 21, they know better now and it could not be hidden from them but i needed their support badly and at the end of the day their lives have been affected by my drinking for way too long. When they were younger i was only occasionally blind drunk always waited till they were in bed. Now im waiting to be a nana, well if one of my damn girls will get pregnant and i am going to be the best nana in the world other than Lav that is!

[Pavati]

My Story

I lost a long post response here, Ava. Your journey is so inspiring!

The long and the short of it - you're a rock star, and if G adopts you, LB and NS, I demand partial custody.

Thanks for being awesome.

xo
Pav

[Petrelhead]

My Story

Ava, I've just read your story. Truly inspirational. I didn't know what a tough road you had. Thank you for sharing. You are a wonderful inspiration.

[NomoreJim]

My Story

My children are about the same ages as yours. I am fortunate enough to have 5 grandchildren (all the more reason to stay sober). I didn't start drinking really hard until they were a bit older and I worked so much that I wasn't home much when they were. My wife was a stay at home mom and I wanted to help our children get through college so I had to work nearly constantly (we have 5 children). I'm pretty sure from your story that you will be a wonderful Nanna. being a grandparent is great fun especially sober!

[available]

My Story

available;1592867 wrote: Well I have done my day 1 again. How did i feel today, well i felt like a wine at 5pm and thought to myself, that I bought this back onto myself again. The withdrawals, the cravings, the headaches. Did that make me want a wine NO. My daughter visited with a bottle of wine and i'm like wtf Mia I told you I was stopping drinking today and she said "you can have one glass mum". Oh god bring me not into temptation I thought. I just looked at the bottle and thought NO I cant, if I did then I would drive to the shops and buy more. That is not me anymore, I need to be strong. I had a diet coke and looked at that damn wine and looked at it but did not succumb. God if I cant get past Day 1 what is the point I thought.

So here I am with a full belly (food, yes I ate) and feeling proud of myself. I know I have a long way to go but its a start to being AF again.

Well 200 days ago exactly I posted this post. How did i get to 200 days? How did i not give into that bottle that Mia bought over that day. I dont know, but i did and i am so glad that i did. I was not at my lowest but i was heading there very very quickly and unless i gave up al, i was on a quick downhill run to having nothing. To being a drunken woman with nothing. All that i had held dear i would have lost if i did not give up alcohol.

Has my life changed? Of course it has and its been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings that i lost to al. I nearly lost everything to al. I loved al, well i thought i did. Al protected me from life, it protected me from participating in life, it protected me from being hurt, it protected me from having to cope, it made me who i am. Well that is what i thought al did.

Everyday i woke up being ashamed, anxious, guilty, depressed and hungover. Everyday was a "repeat" of the day before. The only person that could change that was me.

Starting at day 1 i could only imagine what i would go through and i surrendered to just having to do it. What i didnt realise was actually how hard it would be, not just the inital days but the following ones, actually most days were hard in one way or another. My emotions were all over the place. One minute i was happy, the next i wanted to kill someone or everyone. I wanted to cry, i wanted to give up, i wanted to be "normal". I wanted to not crave al, i wanted to just go from stopping to not wanting al every again. I had stopped so why was al wanting me to drink. Why was al not in my thoughts one day and all consuming the day after? Why didnt al just fuck off and leave me alone.

Then i thought i could be the "one and only" who could ever moderate but having tried that one before after 30 to 40 days, who was i kidding. This was where i was starting to stumble to feel lost, unsure. I had proved i could stop so why keep stopping, why not the occasional glass of the nectar of the gods so that i could be sociable. Because i had never done it before, i had never moderated in my god damn life so why try and tell myself different. I was becoming complacent in my quest to be af or cocky. MWO, my AA has told me that is not possible so on i trudge.

Up go the days, somedays at a rapid pace and other days felt like they took forever. 50 days plus i felt like "whats the point", "why". Im not happier now than i was, life hasnt changed, there are no parades or dancing girls now i am not drinking. I am a minefield of emotions. Wasnt it easier when i was drinking?

100 days, well triple digits, now life has to be better. All this plodding and trudging through being af, this is it. Now i get the dancing girls and the parade. This is what life is about. Yep, this is it! Fuck, really is this it?

120 days, 140 days, well looks like this is it. Looks like this is how being af is. The cravings are all but gone, a distant memory but this is it!

150 days, 170 days. Starting to realise that this really is it, al has been out of my life for months. Still no dancing girls or a parade but its feeling ok. The emotional rollercoaster is subsiding, life is feeling pretty normal. Im not so scared anymore of facing reality sober. I am starting to finally get the hang of this sober me and life. Not feeling too bad and i accept that i really cant drink anymore. Before i was not happy about that realisation that i could never ever drink. i kept saying it but not believing it, now i am starting to believe.

200 days and today i realised that THIS IS IT. This is the life i want. All the ups and downs and feelings and emotions are me. They are not al. My mind feels clear, my skin feels great, my emotions are okay (im a woman, they will never be great) but i feel as if i have climbed a mountain and have placed my flag on the summit. I feel now that there is no going back, there can be no fall from the top. I have conquered alcohol and it is out of my life forever. In 164 days it will be a year and if i had the choice of this year or the past twenty with al, i know which i would choose.

My children are proud and i am proud of this achievement. Tomorrow i may hate the world but i will do it sober. I will never feel ashamed or guilty anymore. I have been through a living hell for years with al but the past is just that and i have so many more years to look forward to being sober.

[roxane]

My Story

I feel like standing up and cheering ava. your post says it all.

[frances]

My Story

I never saw this thread, now I know a little more about your story. People can be such f-heads. (I think that best describes them!) and then they have to go and hurt innocent children.

Ava you are an inspiration to me. So steadfast and open and honest. I love your posts and your humor and hearing about what's going on in your life. Life without AL really is so much better!

Congratulations on 200 days seems like yesterday you were getting 100 and I was thinking Wow I hope I can get to that point! The time goes fast and the ups and downs are there but here you are and here you will be - I'm looking forward to your one year celebration!!

[NoSugar]

My Story

I sent you a note that I think you've "got it", Ava, before I saw this. Now I know that you think so, too :l. You just have to do what it takes to keep it - and you know how to do that. Congratulations on 200 days of success!