My Story

[lifechange]

My Story

Ava, I am so happy for you I could cry--and jump up and down and do twirly twirls. You sound so great and I'm so proud of you for facing life head on and dealing with it. Like NS said, you've got it. Thank you for recounting those first painful days/months-- seeing the progress does one good. :l

[patrice]

My Story

Ava what a fantastic post girl
Xxx

[j-vo]

My Story

Ava,
I'm so happy for you! So proud of you and am following you, will hold on to you so tight because you are my inspiration. Thank you for telling us the truth, not sugar-coating anything, but being able to have a true and fulfilling life with its joys and challenges. I love you!!!

[Petrelhead]

My Story

Ava, again congrats on 200! You have been a personal inspiration to me and I'm certain many others on this forum.

As others have said, you tell it like it is. You don't sugar coat reality. I've experienced those bricks!! You've lived it and your advice is backed up by that experience. It's genuine and tangible.

Great post today. It's one I will go back and read again and again. It's a good reinforcement of why we are here and what we are trying to achieve. I'm sure BL will tell you it is one for the toolbox.

Be proud. You deserve it!

[Rahulthesweet]

My Story

Ava you are an inspiration to us all. Be proud of yourself ! You deserve it your family deserve it !!

[available]

My Story

Here you go Satz

[satz123]

My Story

roxane;1673143 wrote: I feel like standing up and cheering ava. your post says it all.

Oh & me too !!!!!! :welldone:

[available]

It’s been an interesting year sober, I do have vague memories of being sober years ago but al took hold of my life to a degree where I stopped emotionally functioning. I didn’t want to deal with life; I had carried everyone forever so drowning my life in a bottle seemed so much easier.

I found MWO one night in a drunken stupor. Of course I “wasn’t that bad” as others on MWO but I read around and thought well that’s an option if I ever do get that bad. Case closed, I had made an effort, found I really was ok and off I went drinking. I didn’t do the “are you and alcoholic quiz”, god forbid I was that bad. It’s amazing how denial works with alcoholics or any drug addict for that matter.

Then came my nieces 21st birthday and I was the drunk, one and only aunty, who passed out on the lounge, hassled the DJ to play Avicci one million times and made a complete arse of herself. I wasn’t the only one but the blackouts were becoming more and more frequent and scarier each and every time. Of course no one said a word! They were not game.

I started participating more with MWO but still not fully committed. An 11 day stint, moderate, FAIL. A 40 day stint – daughters hens night was coming up, I had to drink, I had to be social. I got the taste again, I thought drinking anything other than wine was fine so I chose scotch and soda, a drink I rather enjoyed but not as much as wine. I would like to say I had a bit more control than I had before my 40 days but I felt deprived that I could not get that high I was so desperately seeking. I had to have control my daughter was getting married. I stayed in control of course until after the wedding but I felt deprived yet again. After the wedding I drank to get to that place I was desperately seeking so I was happy.

My mother was staying at the time, it’s hard to drink wine, fill the bottle up with water, replace it the next day after work, buy a couple of bottles just in case and to hide them. It was draining, I was resentful and the anger was building inside. Finally mum and I had a huge fight about everything and anything. She left hurt and disappointed. I was hurt and disappointed but now I realise that it was myself I was feeling this for. Mum was out of her depth with my actions and I was hurting her deeply.

Four days after she left NS suggested that I had done the moderating, wedding over maybe now was the time to stop drinking. Nice one NS I thought. Pick a date, 1st December and see what happens was all I could do. I told the children, got rid of the al, put my wineglasses away out of sight and I was ready. Mia visited and of course bought a bottle of wine over even after I told her. She said start tomorrow but I knew tomorrow never comes. My first test, my first day, my choice. I chose well it seems.

Thank god for MWO is all I will say in my first week. I wanted to jump out of my skin at times, it took every ounce of what I had to keep away from the bottle shop. I shopped early, I worked, I thought about al constantly, I seen al everywhere, my world revolved around my deprivation and withdrawals. I didn’t sleep, I was bone tired, I had shocking headaches, my anxiety was merciless. Who the fark wants to give up drinking when it’s so easy to drink. Giving birth was easier than this crap.

Time moves slowly, sometimes second by second and minute by minute and all I could think about was not drinking for that day and to take each day as it comes. I thought I just had to get through today and if I was so unhappy then tomorrow I would drink. The next day I hit the repeat button and told myself the same until the days started to add up. They have added up so much it is now 365 damn days since I drank.

I changed my life on the 1st December 2013. I didn’t want to, I didn’t realise my life was falling apart at a rapid rate of knots. That I was pushing away the most cherished people in my life and that I was an embarrassment to my children. The only thing I realised was my need to drink, my need to block out the past, the present and the future.

Has this year been fun? Hell no, some days I have wanted to kill people, I have been so angry with life, other days I have wanted to crawl into bed and cry, other days I have been so happy to be alive and others so sad I don’t want to be here. I have not had my best friend, my prop, my ally against the world to help me through. I asked him to leave on 1/12/13. I broke off our relationship finally after many years of abuse, I realised I had to do this on my own and I have. I decided then I will never have a relationship with al again, as much as I wanted to and as much as I missed him, if I let him back in I would be back where I was.

I have been on holidays af
I have celebrated turning 50 af
I celebrated Xmas and New Year af
I have celebrated my 4 childrens birthdays af
I have dealt with a sick 11 year old dog af
I have and am dealing with a friend with cancer af
I have built a new and better relationship with my mother af
My relationships with my children are amazingly better being af
I have started exercising again and knitting af
I have remembered every single TV show I watch af
I have helped and supported others to be af
I have dated again af (damn thats been a hard one, no Dutch courage!)
I have learnt to live and laugh and love me again without af

I have done so much in one short year being af which at times seemed like 100 years. Would I do it again? I don’t have another quit in me so no, this is my last and final and successful stint at being af. I truly love this life I have now. I don’t want the hell I called a life while drinking. I can’t moderate so I certainly can’t ever have one drink.

My name is Linda and I am an alcoholic and I am proud of what I have become today. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by my addiction. I don’t have to hide anymore, I am proving that each and every day that I am sober, I am winning.

Bit of a long one guys. Thats me!

[Byrdlady]

I wonder if you would put this post in the Tool Box for us? It is am amazing story! So proud of you! Xxoo, B

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Thank you Ava Linda. We have so much in common- our age, our habits, # of kids... we are kindred spirits on different continents.
I so appreciate your honesty and I needed this tonight. It is Sunday, after all. :hug:

Patty

[Pavati]

Chuffed for you, my lunatic friend. Posted in the nest. You are amazing!

xo
Pav

[danpeet]

Your'e a great mom and great woman. Thank you for sharing your story linda.

[available]

Well look what i dug up! Oh reading those early posts just makes me realise how damn precious this quit of mine is and how i sometimes need to fight daily to keep it but nowhere like i did in the early days.

My life is fucking great! Well somedays not but shit happens and i deal without al now. i always try and find a positive out of many negatives to give me strength to go on.

As i was reading i noticed how many who posted are not here anymore to be on this journey and i wonder why am i one of the lucky ones to be sober. i suppose it is a question that will never be answered as i am no better than anyone on this site.

It will be 500 days of sobriety for me in a few days and to me that is a massively huge accomplishment and i still have not seen those fucking dancing girls or the parade but it doesnt matter anymore. What matters to me is that i am sober, my relationships are better, my whole life is better and i dont want to ever drink again. I am doing this for me and only me so i can be better to others and this journey will never be over, i accept that now.

My 2nd Thailand holiday is coming up and there is none of what i was going through last year, i am going with mum and i love her dearly. Who knows how much longer she is here for and i do know that i have given her the best gift a daughter can give her mum and that is just me being me, not some drunken pathetic person that i was, albeit not realising it.

I am seeing a man who i am getting quite fond of and who knows me warts and all. Before in my drinking days i kept so many secrets regarding my drinking so i could pretend to be someone that i wasnt. He likes me for me! That feels nice, i have no secrets.

All of this has just taken time and luckily at this stage i have a lot of time to enjoy my life as it should be enjoyed and lived.

Pav 500 days till the 1000 for us girl, when we said that, i never ever thought it was a possibility,well for me anyways but its a reality now.

xx

[paulywogg]

So darned proud of you Ava,I remember this thread and when you started it, saying you'd quit after your mom left, quit for 40 then drank, thought you were just making the same excuses to quit we all use,but dang youreally did it!! It's always wonderful to read your posts and I look forward to seeing them amazing how much the relationship between you and your mom has changed for the better, amazing how strong of a woman you are now, compared to the timid, irritated sounding one at the beginning of this thread, keep it up dear lady btw,everytime I hear that Avicci song you pop into my head for a second haha

[All done drinking]

Dear MWO members,

I have been posting here for a long time (since March, 07) but under a different name. I did not mean to be deceitful coming to the AF threads with a different name. It is just that I woke up in a crisis state one morning realizing that I really needed to quit and could no longer keep fooling myself with the fact that I could moderate. It was like playing Russian Roulette because sometimes I could have only one or two and be totally fine (most times) but other times (at least one time a month) I would go over my limit. Sometimes there were negative consequences like saying something hurtful to someone (like telling them I didn't like their husband or mother for goodness sakes!) Crazy stuff. The MWO site had moved and I could not get on under my original name so I created a new one to go with my new lifestyle. I chose "All Done Drinking...Yes" so I could use the acronym of Addy.

In my previous drinking and moderating life I was Eve11. A very avid poster and a believer that everyone should be given the chance to moderate first if they emotionally need to. I do believe there may be some people who came here, realized they could moderate successfully and left the site. But I think they may be few and far between. Because anyone who finds this place, know they have a drinking problem. And having a drinking problem means we have a disease. Very simply, our bodies do not process alcohol like a non drinker or a person without a problem. I tried to share with others hoping to moderate that we needed to be careful posting our "happy and successful" moderating stories on designated AF boards because I know that for some folks quitting truly is a matter of life or death, and I didn't want to be the person pushing someone over the edge. I shared a story that I actually had a patient tell me that one time and he left me feeling very humble in my moderating belief. He was dying from alcohol related problems and shared that a counselor had told him he could continue to drink as long as he "moderated". He looked at me with the hollowest eyes and said, "But what she didn't understand was that I'm an alcoholic and I can't moderate".

So friends, I have switched boards and post on different threads now. I am grateful for the support and totally get it now as I am giving alcohol up that it is hard to read other's stories (in this beginning phase) about those who are still having a drink, etc. so I am trying to stick to the threads where folks are a little more serious about abstinence. Please understand, no judgment for those that do still drink, relapse, or believe they can moderate. That is why I was such a big advocate in the fact that this site allowed that....time to figure our own way out. Sometimes when you tell someone NO... all they do is want what they are not supposed to have. To be able to be given time to try to moderate, to believe I could, etc. were the steps I needed to finally say "Enough is enough". NO more insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Next goal is that 100 day thread. I am on day 13.

My name is Addy :love: (aka Eve11) :hug: and I am an alcoholic. The difference this time, is I am a recovering alcoholic and I thank my God for all of you bozos on my bus. Big hugs to all of you who are on this crazy ride with me.

Addy (All done drinking...yes!)