GwAwKy MAE 90 Day Morning my fellow Nesters 
Yes indeed ladies and gents today is my 90th AF Birthday. So for your reading enjoyment I had decided a few days ago that I was going share with you some random thoughts and feelings I have had over the last three months. Yes Its probably going to be an extra long read and I promise to make it fun so try not to get lost.. its also going to be somewhat all over the place as Im creating this throughout the day ( probably loads of misspellled words.. sorry about that but wordpad does not have a spell checker ).
Oh man..where do I start. I guess its a question we all have to ask ourselves..why am I here ? How did I come to a point where I had to tell myself 'Dude..you Have to quit drinking man ! This shit out of control !'? I was already to this stage years before my wife left and took the boys. Yes..for me I no longer had the luxury of Choice or procrastination. It was happening with or without me. So the question remains..how did AL get this bad in my life. Its simple really. Suppression. You see.. I have a Very active mind. Thats the hardest part of my Sobriety..learning how to live without being silenced inside. I cant just do nothing without going nuts. Come to think about it most drinkers that I know are the same. Mentally active. Not like those people that just seem to be on auto-pilot without two thoughts to rub together. So I found a compfort zone with AL. Unfortunatly I became to too relient on alcohol. Oh great! Now I had unknowingly found myself Addicted ( chemically unballanced ). My body physically needed the alchohol as much as food or water after so many years of encorporating it. Hey..not my friggin fault. Its just the nature of it. So yea it was a real bitch in the beginnig. To add insult to injury, Whilst my chemistry was doing its not so fun physical balancing act it in turn started screwing with me emotionally and cognitively. I littorally had days where there was little continuity in anything. ( which was already Fubared with the divorce crap ). One way to deal with this pinball was to mentally become an outsider in the whole thing. I did everything I could to remove myself from every thought and emotion that came up. I just let things run its course without trying to interfere too much. Expression was a key tool when all this was going down. It was ok to have whatever feelings or thought that came my way..but letting it out like a running faucet helped more than anything else. Thats where posting here came into play. I can look back at my posts and say "Man..I wrote that ?". Yup. I had to let myself Untangle itself in its own way. Whatever it was it was. I knew this going in so I didnt have to feel guity or ashamed of anything I wrote. "Your doing This for Yourself ! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !" I was told. Looking back on it there is nothing more true than this statement. So I did just that.. I even lied to myself ( never to anyone else though ). Things like "you start drinking and your liver is going to explode" or "you will Never see your kids again" or "MWO will think Im a failure" kinda lies. But honestly just reading and posting here was the largest tool I had.
So a few 90 day sober suggestions for you new guys starting out..
Dont take Anything you feel,say,think or do personally! Just go a long for the Ride. Think of it like getting on a roller coaster. There you are standing in line..letting people cut in front of you because your afraid. Sometimes even getting in the car and then when it starts to move you quickly jump out and get back in line. You have to make that commitment to Lock youself in. Your just a passenger in an up down side to side twisty twirly ride of your life. ( Hey you think getting drunk was fun..wait till you try this out lol ! ) You dont have much control on where it goes or what it does so just try to sit back and relax as much as possible. Relax..there will be ups along with those "oh fu.. fu.. fu..uuuk this sucks!" times. The best for me was those Normal days strung along the up and down ones. I did a post on how, in a way..looking back on it..it was a kind of a sucky hell sorta fun for me. Yea sure the coaster ride made you puke all over yourself..and you were not having a good time here and there.. but when you get off and get your footing back you can look at that monstrosity and tell yourself "boy that was a F'd up Ride..but wow..what a rush!". So Lock yourself in Tight and remember that the next time your head starts telling you stupid stuff like "get off!..this is too much!" that You Committed! It really does end so hang in there.
One of the mistakes I made was not having a "plan". I kinda didnt even know what the hell these guys/gals were even talking about..Plan..what plan? Think about what you are going to do after your initiation period. Yea..my plan for the first stages was to barracade myself in my house and let whatever happen happen for the first week. So no planning was involved there ( personally I dont think any amount of planning would have worked for me anyways with the other things happening in my life ). But I failed to think about what I was going to do after that. I did get my home spotless and had enough energy to help build a skyscraper but I dont think I utilized my time and potential as much as I could have. If I didnt have the divorce/kids thing going on I could very much see the risk of getting back in the can. So think about how you could replace your extra "drinking" time with. Im being somewhat hipocritical in this such as I still havent done a good job with making a plan myself. But for me things are changing almost daily..so I keep telling myself.
For the triggers..well I never had many of those and..well..there all gone..so not a fort knox of info on that.
Get ready for the change. Almost Everything has Change in it now. Of course the Change that jingles is a nice bonus for us. Depending on how much you spent on drinking your going to have an influx of extra cash. I was spending anywere to 250 to 300 bucks a month on beer ( cheap crap ). Hey..thats a friggin car payment. Relish in the idea that your going to have some cool cash laying around. Another change is in your relationships. Your not going to be the same in many ways. I dont put up with crap anymore. I dont let people run over me or treat me like a door mat. I also have more understanding and compassion too. So its not like I became a complete jerk or anything. For the most part the general outlook on the world has improved. Get ready for the Change in friends as well. Im not too sure how to approach this aspect because each relationship is different. I know that the whole "true friend" thing gets brought up but Im not the type that gets involved between two people..so Im going to just let it at that. All I can say is that your going to change some of the ways you deal with people..and how others deal with you ( good or bad is sometimes out of your control ). The perceptuall change is just over the top for me. The things I hear..the smells and how much more aware I am to my surroundings is like having super powers . Milage may vary..but Im getting my bang for the buck. Memory change is a biggie too. I am recalling past things that were only a blur before now. Some of them for sure locked up for a reason..but mostly the good things and joyful recolections brought back to life. Much of the time spent with the wife and boys for example can be compared to remembering it in black and white before vs. being in color now. Being able to enjoy those parts in my life on this level is something of a gift..but dont let that fool you. Some of the feelings that accompany these "good" memories can be hard to deal with. Sure I did/said some hurtful things that I must remorse..but..its the future that I feel Guilty about. Thats the hardest part for me. Not being able to remorse for something that Im inevitably guilty of. So this Memory rose has its thorns as well as its sweet aroma..
For those of you that are wondering about the best part of my AF life so far..I would have to say it was the first month. Yea it had the worst parts in it..but it was the most memorable I guess. So its not the "best" so far..but that first 30 days were filled with such action and variety that its just hard to forget lol. I like having things leveled out dont get me wrong..but I will never forget the first 30. After 90 days I feel great about myself. I look 10 years younger and feel like it too. Just the other day someone that had known me for the last 10 years told me I never looked so good. I found myself looking in the mirror after he left and I had to agree with him. So thats something to look forward too as well. If your younger get ready to fend off the opposite sex ( or husband/wife ) with your new looks
. ( oh..speaking of sex..I had found my.. um.. "drive" go down the tubes hard. After 90 days the key is on..but its only at Idle. I hope I find the gas peddle sometime soon! )
So..I guess after 90 days I can say that for the most part everthing has leveled off. I still have those days that just dont feel right but everything else has a managable context to it. Being able to deal with day to day events are becoming routinely uneventful. If I had to describe in a word how I feel right now..I would have to say "Manageable". Basically things are working on there own. Most everything is manageable without having to expend too much effort. Its a good feeling going from putting no effort into much of anything and having nothing..to putting little effort and getting so much in return. Cant beat that for such a short amount of time invested..
I look forward to the sun rising now..not the sun setting..
Dave.
Yes indeed ladies and gents today is my 90th AF Birthday. So for your reading enjoyment I had decided a few days ago that I was going share with you some random thoughts and feelings I have had over the last three months. Yes Its probably going to be an extra long read and I promise to make it fun so try not to get lost.. its also going to be somewhat all over the place as Im creating this throughout the day ( probably loads of misspellled words.. sorry about that but wordpad does not have a spell checker ).
Oh man..where do I start. I guess its a question we all have to ask ourselves..why am I here ? How did I come to a point where I had to tell myself 'Dude..you Have to quit drinking man ! This shit out of control !'? I was already to this stage years before my wife left and took the boys. Yes..for me I no longer had the luxury of Choice or procrastination. It was happening with or without me. So the question remains..how did AL get this bad in my life. Its simple really. Suppression. You see.. I have a Very active mind. Thats the hardest part of my Sobriety..learning how to live without being silenced inside. I cant just do nothing without going nuts. Come to think about it most drinkers that I know are the same. Mentally active. Not like those people that just seem to be on auto-pilot without two thoughts to rub together. So I found a compfort zone with AL. Unfortunatly I became to too relient on alcohol. Oh great! Now I had unknowingly found myself Addicted ( chemically unballanced ). My body physically needed the alchohol as much as food or water after so many years of encorporating it. Hey..not my friggin fault. Its just the nature of it. So yea it was a real bitch in the beginnig. To add insult to injury, Whilst my chemistry was doing its not so fun physical balancing act it in turn started screwing with me emotionally and cognitively. I littorally had days where there was little continuity in anything. ( which was already Fubared with the divorce crap ). One way to deal with this pinball was to mentally become an outsider in the whole thing. I did everything I could to remove myself from every thought and emotion that came up. I just let things run its course without trying to interfere too much. Expression was a key tool when all this was going down. It was ok to have whatever feelings or thought that came my way..but letting it out like a running faucet helped more than anything else. Thats where posting here came into play. I can look back at my posts and say "Man..I wrote that ?". Yup. I had to let myself Untangle itself in its own way. Whatever it was it was. I knew this going in so I didnt have to feel guity or ashamed of anything I wrote. "Your doing This for Yourself ! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !" I was told. Looking back on it there is nothing more true than this statement. So I did just that.. I even lied to myself ( never to anyone else though ). Things like "you start drinking and your liver is going to explode" or "you will Never see your kids again" or "MWO will think Im a failure" kinda lies. But honestly just reading and posting here was the largest tool I had.
So a few 90 day sober suggestions for you new guys starting out..
Dont take Anything you feel,say,think or do personally! Just go a long for the Ride. Think of it like getting on a roller coaster. There you are standing in line..letting people cut in front of you because your afraid. Sometimes even getting in the car and then when it starts to move you quickly jump out and get back in line. You have to make that commitment to Lock youself in. Your just a passenger in an up down side to side twisty twirly ride of your life. ( Hey you think getting drunk was fun..wait till you try this out lol ! ) You dont have much control on where it goes or what it does so just try to sit back and relax as much as possible. Relax..there will be ups along with those "oh fu.. fu.. fu..uuuk this sucks!" times. The best for me was those Normal days strung along the up and down ones. I did a post on how, in a way..looking back on it..it was a kind of a sucky hell sorta fun for me. Yea sure the coaster ride made you puke all over yourself..and you were not having a good time here and there.. but when you get off and get your footing back you can look at that monstrosity and tell yourself "boy that was a F'd up Ride..but wow..what a rush!". So Lock yourself in Tight and remember that the next time your head starts telling you stupid stuff like "get off!..this is too much!" that You Committed! It really does end so hang in there.
One of the mistakes I made was not having a "plan". I kinda didnt even know what the hell these guys/gals were even talking about..Plan..what plan? Think about what you are going to do after your initiation period. Yea..my plan for the first stages was to barracade myself in my house and let whatever happen happen for the first week. So no planning was involved there ( personally I dont think any amount of planning would have worked for me anyways with the other things happening in my life ). But I failed to think about what I was going to do after that. I did get my home spotless and had enough energy to help build a skyscraper but I dont think I utilized my time and potential as much as I could have. If I didnt have the divorce/kids thing going on I could very much see the risk of getting back in the can. So think about how you could replace your extra "drinking" time with. Im being somewhat hipocritical in this such as I still havent done a good job with making a plan myself. But for me things are changing almost daily..so I keep telling myself.
For the triggers..well I never had many of those and..well..there all gone..so not a fort knox of info on that.
Get ready for the change. Almost Everything has Change in it now. Of course the Change that jingles is a nice bonus for us. Depending on how much you spent on drinking your going to have an influx of extra cash. I was spending anywere to 250 to 300 bucks a month on beer ( cheap crap ). Hey..thats a friggin car payment. Relish in the idea that your going to have some cool cash laying around. Another change is in your relationships. Your not going to be the same in many ways. I dont put up with crap anymore. I dont let people run over me or treat me like a door mat. I also have more understanding and compassion too. So its not like I became a complete jerk or anything. For the most part the general outlook on the world has improved. Get ready for the Change in friends as well. Im not too sure how to approach this aspect because each relationship is different. I know that the whole "true friend" thing gets brought up but Im not the type that gets involved between two people..so Im going to just let it at that. All I can say is that your going to change some of the ways you deal with people..and how others deal with you ( good or bad is sometimes out of your control ). The perceptuall change is just over the top for me. The things I hear..the smells and how much more aware I am to my surroundings is like having super powers
. Milage may vary..but Im getting my bang for the buck. Memory change is a biggie too. I am recalling past things that were only a blur before now. Some of them for sure locked up for a reason..but mostly the good things and joyful recolections brought back to life. Much of the time spent with the wife and boys for example can be compared to remembering it in black and white before vs. being in color now. Being able to enjoy those parts in my life on this level is something of a gift..but dont let that fool you. Some of the feelings that accompany these "good" memories can be hard to deal with. Sure I did/said some hurtful things that I must remorse..but..its the future that I feel Guilty about. Thats the hardest part for me. Not being able to remorse for something that Im inevitably guilty of. So this Memory rose has its thorns as well as its sweet aroma..For those of you that are wondering about the best part of my AF life so far..I would have to say it was the first month. Yea it had the worst parts in it..but it was the most memorable I guess. So its not the "best" so far..but that first 30 days were filled with such action and variety that its just hard to forget lol. I like having things leveled out dont get me wrong..but I will never forget the first 30. After 90 days I feel great about myself. I look 10 years younger and feel like it too. Just the other day someone that had known me for the last 10 years told me I never looked so good. I found myself looking in the mirror after he left and I had to agree with him. So thats something to look forward too as well. If your younger get ready to fend off the opposite sex ( or husband/wife ) with your new looks
. ( oh..speaking of sex..I had found my.. um.. "drive" go down the tubes hard. After 90 days the key is on..but its only at Idle. I hope I find the gas peddle sometime soon! )So..I guess after 90 days I can say that for the most part everthing has leveled off. I still have those days that just dont feel right but everything else has a managable context to it. Being able to deal with day to day events are becoming routinely uneventful. If I had to describe in a word how I feel right now..I would have to say "Manageable". Basically things are working on there own. Most everything is manageable without having to expend too much effort. Its a good feeling going from putting no effort into much of anything and having nothing..to putting little effort and getting so much in return. Cant beat that for such a short amount of time invested..
I look forward to the sun rising now..not the sun setting..
Dave.
inkele: :applause2: :yay:
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