I Hate you Alcohol !

[Darkest Diamond]

I Hate you Alcohol !

No time like the present

Hi Rahul,
I agree with you start your sobriety now, that will help you prepare for your holiday. You will then start the holiday feeling fit and well (and so proud of yourself!!). Also during the holiday you are less likely to be pulled back into drinking if you get a few sober days in first. I totally understand what you are going through as I did all that on and off, a lot of the time I would only manage two or three days then I would drink again, or drink every day when in my heart I knew I wanted to stop.

One of the things that helped me was that I was sober for three years and three months before (I thought back to how I did it then) I am now putting some of those same things in place and some new things. You had a long burst of sobriety before so perhaps thinking back to how you did it can help you. Also take confidence from the fact that if you have done it before you can do it again!

It is 11.06pm here by the way, I always find these time differences fascinating
DD

[available]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Rahul we can talk about giving up till the cows come home, i know i did. What did it achieve? me sinking into oblivion with al being my only friend. Al is my worst hated enemy, he is not a friend, he hurt me, he hurt my loved ones, he was destroying my life and I kept letting him. Why because i could not imagine my life sober, i could not imagine dealing with normal everyday shit that occurs in everyones life everyday. The bottle was so much easier to fall into. BUT when my children started to comment daily on my al intake and to look in the mirror and realise what i had become which was NOTHING then i decided I HAD TO DO SOMETHING. No one else, just me. Until you realise this then you will keep drinking.

You can write what you want constantly but it will not stop you drinking. I wanted to give up daily, woke with a hangover and thought today i would not drink to only start again and again and again. You and only you can get off this merry go round. The people here give support and love and understanding for me being af and proving to them i can do this has been my ultimate reward and also to see the proudness in my childrens eyes keeps me strong.

I have kept an eye on your posts like us all and it is the same old, same old story. Dont ever think we dont feel empathy for your battle as we have all been there and done that but if you dont help yourself then we cant.

I am only on day 33 and it has been a struggle, it has not been easy, so many times i wanted to say "fuck it" but i didnt and i wont. I dont want to go through withdrawals again, i definitely dont want to disappoint me or my children and i wont disappoint the supportive people i have met on here who i am sure many a time wanted to give up on me. The only person i will fail at the end of the day is ME and i am worth much much more than the poison that used to be my best and only friend.

Take care Rah and hugs to you.

[hadit]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Cribble all you want. We are not judgemental. You are still around here and that shows you still want to do something about getting al out of your life. We all do!!! Have u considered takin AB ? It has helped many of us. Its not a drug to be messed with. Once taken you can't drink..... IF you do the results are terrible. You become very sick; some have had to be hospitalised. What it does do is to remove the agony of DO I DRINK or DONT I; you just can't. Its still a struggle though, you can stop taking it anytime but cant drink for a few days afterwards. For some people it takes a week or so before al can be consumed.I take it and know of many others who do so u can pm me if you want to know more. Good Luck and don't give up.:thumbs::thumbs:

[Rahulthesweet]

I Hate you Alcohol !

DD it looks like deja vu. Last time I started by lath towards sority I could not sleep. Maybe it my body wakeup call. But yes I agree with you that it is important to introspect what was my state of mind last time when I was sober. Well if I look back now I can describe only in one line "I was sick of my AL based life" .

Am I feeling different now ? No but this time know the benefits of being sober. Something which I witnessed not so long ago. Last time it was like I discovered what life can offer without AL some thing which I never knew. This time I WANT to have the same life back. Saying the clock might say thing anywhere but its about TIME I realize that MY TIME has come.

Available thanks for kind words of inspiration. I think its about time I stop hating AL and accepting it not as friend or for. Simply make it irrelevant. Buddism peach about control on emotions. Strong emotion of love can be dangerous as it can become deadly passion.strong emotion of hatred can have brought down strong kings. Wrong emotions of guilt can lead to self destruction.

I will have to get more "involved" in life, experience it, and I know as time will pass AL will become irrelevant. I know because I have seen it in past.

Saying so I must warn on my last experience with sobriety it was about this time only after achieving 30 days I started to "accept" (wrongly I must say) that I have "solved the problem" , I can "control" alcohol. Or it will be "fun" to have it again.

So it might become irrelevant but it will still be out there.

Had it, thanks for suggestion but I dont believe in drugs (this coming from a drug addict -ME) .what an irony, I dont take medicines. The only drug I have taken since a very long time is paracetamol. Again thats. It true. I for about the cholesterol lowering medicines I am taking now a days. And the lever medicine I was on not such long ago. But I know I take these meds to cover the side effects of AL. So I will give up AL and all other Meds will go away.

I will do it this time I know it

[available]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Rah i did 40+ days and thought i could moderate, well that worked a goddamn treat NOT. I am an alcoholic pure and simple, no mashing words, i just needed to truly accept that is what i am, it is a part of me and always will be but now it does not need to be in control of my life.

Just a minute ago i was dancing around the house as i was listening to the doors cd. I have not danced to any tune except al for such a long time. As everyone says take AL off the table and the days and weeks and just life in general is fantastic.

I do not drink today.

[j-vo]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Hi Rahul,
You are coming here and don't stop. Every time you come here, you're thinking about your drinking and know that you need to stop. Not coming here, you're not thinking about it, or gaining any support for something that you really need. We all need each other here, and our goal is the same. To obtain sobriety and peace of mind, to love ourselves, to have the best life possible. So never stop coming here and reading the toolbox. Read all you can.

For me, I've been coming here for five years. It wasn't until recently that I've finally figured out what the hell was missing. Acceptance of the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Acceptance of the fact that I can never pick up one drink because that'll lead to the crappiness I've had for a long, long time. I'm gonna post something from Pavati who reach 30 days yesterday. She went through what she calls "Thanksgiving Massacre." After the massacre happened, she put the next seven points into place. I'll post after I find them.

[j-vo]

I Hate you Alcohol !

After Pavati reached 30, she posted this. We can all learn from this!

1. Stop my denial. Face what I have become. I did this by telling my whole sordid story out loud to a therapist, which means I said it out loud to myself. I am an alcoholic – no two ways about it. I didn’t lose my job or end up in a gutter, but that doesn’t matter. This was EXTREMELY difficult – I do not like to admit “failure,” or admit that I don’t have control. The first step in this was finally posting here after lurking here and there for a long time.

2. Accept that I cannot drink. This was difficult, too. I spent a lot of time over the last two years in particular making deals with myself – if you go X days without you’ve proven you’re not in trouble. Just drink beer and wine. No more than two measured drinks on weeknights. Tonight is a Monday, but I’ll drink because (fill in name of reason). I drank Monday night, so I may as well drink the rest of the week. I’ll have AF weeks starting NEXT Monday. You know the drill. This time, I have accepted that I cannot drink, and that has brought a complete peacefulness to this 30 days that I have never had before. I didn’t have to white knuckle or count the hours (other than the first three days when I was in a haze). I have certainly had my ups and downs, but they were more related to “really, forever, how did I let this happen to me,” than “I NEED a drink NOW.” I have what I have heard called “mind peace.” I have stopped the bargaining and chatter in my head and that has made this so much easier. I didn’t understand the “acceptance” part of sobriety until I felt it myself. Many of us mothers have mentioned that we didn’t have a problem quitting for 9 months when we were pregnant. I have come to realize that the reason was there was NO CHOICE involved. We know what alcohol does to unborn children and we weren’t willing to do that to our babies. Well – we know what alcohol does to our own bodies – why would we be willing to do that to ourselves?

3. Read, read, read and post, post, post. Reading all I can on here serves a number of purposes. First, it lets me see that I am not alone. There are other intelligent, professional mothers here who have gotten in the same predicament I am in. It is so helpful to read the stories of others and to find fellowship in their company. I am shy about AA or face-to-face meetings in my small town, but I can truly let it all hang out here. Also, in reading I find great advice – from cultivating an attitude of gratitude to learning to forgive, I have found great techniques and tools here. Those who have paved the way and stay here to support us are of course helpful, and so are those who are at the same stage as me – they know what I am going through in the moment. In addition, many people on MWO post resources and ideas for further reading, all of which has helped me focus on the prize – sobriety. Not one, not ever. Posting serves to help me sort out my own feelings – it acts as a journal. I find that whether I am musing on my own or typing words to support someone else, I am thinking about sobriety in new ways every time.

4. Find a thread and attach myself to it, but look elsewhere, too. I found Ladies on a Mission through a recommendation. It is important for me to check in there with everyone who posts – I want to support the people who post there, but I also know that they have my back if I’m feeling down. I actually believe that I would be supported in any thread I attached myself to around here – there is so much acceptance and welcome everywhere I turn. I have ventured out a bit and am finding new connections all the time. Did I mention that posting a lot was one of my tools??

5. Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Wow – this seems so simple. I have changed my focus from “I can’t have alcohol” to “I get to live my life with a clear head and no regret.” This helps most when I have the inkling of deprivation – I turn it around immediately to focus on what I am gaining by getting alcohol out of my life – not what I am supposedly “losing.” I can’t believe how well this works. I didn’t believe it, in fact, until I got to #2 above.

6. Work to become and stay sober. This is fact. You can’t hope or pray or wish to be sober, you have to actively work to be sober. That doesn’t mean it has to be your focus all day and night, but it means creating a plan and sticking to it. For me, this also means telling people out loud or in writing what my plan is. I have proven fairly good at lying to myself over the years, but not very good at lying to others. This has meant, for me, MWO as well as individual counseling. And a daily plan, written here or in my journal, to stay sober.

7. Understand one day at a time and the serenity prayer. I am not a religious person, but these words speak to me: “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.” Until now I have focused on the first part of that saying, but I have come to realize the importance of the second part, too. As a perfectionist I needed to learn to accept what I can’t change, but waking up from denial has made me realize that I also need to work on changing the things I CAN change. One day at a time was a revelation. Although I have heard it MANY times, I finally realize the power in that statement. I don’t have to worry about the camping trip next summer without AL – I just have to make it through today sober.

[treetops]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Rahul - I also do not like taking drugs but a short course of Antabuse enabled me to finally quit nearly 15 months ago. It gave me the AF time I needed. Then I could really go drug-free. Because I see AL as a drug. Paracetemol is a drug and that combined with AL is not doing your body any good. And AL is not doing helping your mind and your relationships and family either - as you well know. Your children will start to notice and your drinking (no matter how sneaky) will visibly impact on them. My partner's father was a lovely man and an alcoholic - he never drank in front of his kids but he was in another world by the early evening - just not 'there'. Its had a profound impact on my partner and how he remembers his father. My own drinking affected my daughter and a few years ago, especially as she hit puberty, she commented more and more on it. Now she is very proud of me for quitting.

We will continue to support you here on MWO but you will get the tough love also. Available's and other messages were very clear. You must break this pattern - and if that means getting more help - do this - antabuse, other medication, counseling, AA, recovery groups or the whole lot. You might even think about rehab. But you can stop now, right now and make sure you have a sober holiday with your family. No sneaking off. Thats part of your pattern you must break.
Keep posting and if you are following Buddhist teaching - live in the here and now. Not tomorrow, not being full of regrets - at least as far as AL is concerned. Appreciate the beauty and the highs you have from living - today.

[little beagle]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Rahul I am your friend. I will be here to support your honest effort to rid yourself of L once and for all. You will be a hero in the eyes of your family when you accomplish your goal. Trust me, I am a superhero to my family since I have kicked that soul sucking monster to the curb.

[Rahulthesweet]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Jj_vo you are right in saying that I have been coming here wheen ever I was thinking about AL. But I know that here I will be able to go towards path of sobrity. I found strength with all of you, I found support from many of you and stopped drinking after almost 10 years of heavy abuse. Those 44 days were great and I will do it again.

Treetop I appreciate the hoenst and tough love.al long as it is honest I dont mind being beaten up to recovery. I would prefer that rather having than having fake advice.

But look at me today, I just woke up after about 3 hours of sleep but I am feeling great , great becoz I gave promise to myself ,the promise which I will keep.

I know I have been here become coming out shouting loud I will do it, I will do it ... I have been here before with same mood. But this time its different and I know it.

Little beagle I too want to be super hero and I know that in a month the or so I will start feeling like that I must simply hang on. One day at time. Today is that day.

[TJAF]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Raul I am now at 162 days. Not much in the greater scheme of things. We have folks here that are a true inspiration. That have remained sober long after time has dulled the agony of addiction. I want to be one of those folks. I am sure you do as well. When I read their posts I see their strength and resolve but I also see a plain honesty about their struggle. My challenge to you is to take a hard look at what it is you want. You speak of the future without a true honesty for the present. You cant drink and then wish it all away with a promise for future sobriety. I know I did that for nearly 30 years. The only thing that I can reason for the 162 days of my sobriety is my understanding that I simply can't drink today and think that someday I will be sober. The present and the future are forever joined at the hip. Stay well and succeed.

[Pavati]

I Hate you Alcohol !

TJAF - That is a great post. You should share that with the Nest (or I will if you give me permission). I think a lot of us newbies would benefit from your words.

How are you Rahul?

[TJAF]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Pav
You can share the post with the nest no need to ask. Although you'll find much better stuff from the likes of lav,byrdie, K9, NS, Sam and many many more of our senior members. Those are the folks that walk the walk.

[little beagle]

I Hate you Alcohol !

TJAF that was truly inspiring.
Rahul keep coming here, reading and posting. Pinecone and Sam have both talked about reaching a point where you have just had enough. Almost like flipping a switch. I reached that point myself. It almost felt like a switch went off in my body. I would do whatever it took to get that crap out of my life.
You will reach that point.

[Rahulthesweet]

I Hate you Alcohol !

Thanks for your support.

I am having a great sober vacation in hong Kong with kids. It feels great to be free but I know the danger. But one day at a time.