Firstly I would like to thank you all for the amazing conversations (and for supporting each other) in this forum by people who are truly inspirational. My true gratitude goes out to all of you.
I visited this forum some months ago because I was quite lost. I knew that I had a problem, but I figured it was manageable. To be honest, I think I have avoided taking action to reframe from using alcohol due to this fear that I may never be able to drink again, and I’d be that person (outcast) at the social gathering who has the “problem”. I was horrified about the whole “label” I would be stuck with because I could not manage my alcohol intake and therefore had to admit I had a problem to people. I guess you could say all this thinking was very much ego orientated.
My fear was based on the experience of having seen my extended family look upon a family member who had to give away drinking some years ago as he was labelled as “oh yeah he has problems”. I didn’t want to be that guy.
But I was about to realise the real truth behind all this…
The crunch came this week when I realised that I may very much lose my marriage. I had been on a 3 day bender (I have been on benders many times throughout my life – I’m in my early forties). My wife, kids and I had been out with a big group of friends, and me doing what I do, I get very boisterous after a few drinks, to the point where you can see some of our friends sinking down in their seats. Most of the time my loud out bursts are in good humour, but when I think about it now, it really stems from my argument with the world – which is motivated by frustration (not enjoying my job, always in debt, not getting the response I would like from my wife).
Things had really blown out later that night - my wife and I argued through the night, and the next day was very nasty in terms of what was said, and I really felt hurt (as she did she of course) by the back and forth arguments we were having. I said I was going to leave, as in move out.
I’m a strong guy in some respects, but can you relate to the complete emotional exhaustion you experience when you and your partner can not find common ground? I was really holding back the tears at this point. I drank all day the next day, not silly, but steadily throughout the day. She went out to seek refuge from her family and friends. After the kids went to bed I wandered off around 9pm to a local pub. I bought a beer and sat on my own. The place was virtually empty. I was pretty much on the verge of crying into my beer at this point. I just felt so hopeless.
A guy wandered out for a cigarette and could see I wasn’t right, but being the polite guy he was, he simply nodded and went about smoking his cigarette. I asked him for a cigarette, not because I really wanted one, I simply wanted someone to talk to – and asking for a cigarette seemed like a good way to break the ice.
I started to tell him about how I was concerned about losing my marriage. He then went on to say that he did lose his, and endured a very bitter custody battle with his kids. He told me the whole experience changed him forever. He told me in an around about way, that I had to go and try to sort things out with my wife, because maybe I could avoid all the pain he went through by simply trying to communicate better.
I literally stood in silence contemplating this as he bid me farewell.
By 10pm I had wandered off again, too afraid to go home. I knew I had to be the one to make the call – but I didn’t how. Plus, at this stage I’d had too much to drink – and when I’ve had a few drinks I can never ever seem to say something logical/rational – it always comes from a place of hurt. So therefore, I knew I was going to “lose” any conversation I was going to have with her in the state I was in.
I stood under the stars, staring…desperate for an answer. I don’t know what it was, and I realise this may seem odd for some, but at that point I called out for a higher power – something outside of myself. And as I was crying, I pleaded for an answer. Now I don’t know if what happened next was just someone shining a torch from their backyard into the sky or not, but a round white light flashed in the sky, three times, and at that point a voice (not physically, in my thinking or heart so to speak) told me…
“Be Honest”
I totally got it.
At that point I realised I had to be honest with myself. It’s okay to have a problem (drinking) so long as you can be honest about “knowing” you have problem – and if you are honest you can begin to help yourself. I realised I had to be honest with my kids – “sorry guys, dad drinks too much, and it is time I could be spending with you”. I realised it is okay to say to my wife, “Look sweet, I’d really appreciate half an hour of your time”.
I realised that it is okay to say to those people in my family, hey I’m sorry for the things I said and have done in the past - I’m going to work hard on re-establishing your faith in me again. I realised I can be honest with myself, and to stop punishing myself for my failures and character faults. I spent from 11pm to about 1am just contemplating all this while I sat on the front yard of my home. I was hopeful, scared, sad, enlightened, drunk…but I was honest. By 2am I was so exhausted I fell asleep.
At 4:30, I woke my wife, and asked her to come sit with me in the lounge room, and while she held her hand on my shoulder, I dialled AA and spoke to Shaun, who put me on the first road to recovery.
I spent all that morning talking to my family and friends and telling them what I had committed myself to. My mum was so relieved.
Later in the day I went to visit my mother in law and tell her I loved her and cherished her very much – she needed to hear that, especially because her daughter had rocked up on her doorstep in tears too many times due to our arguing. She told me she loved me, and was always there for us.
I know a lot of you in here have made exceptional progress. I admire that. I’m very much aware that I am completely raw to this. It’s very scary for me at the moment because most of my adult life has been managed with alcohol.
I don’t blame any event in my life for why I drank beyond the point of civil. I don’t blame my parents or life circumstances – we have all had challenges in our life, cest la vie. I believe I drank past the point of what is regarded normal because I could not be completely honest with myself, and I wanted to hide from myself.
I also had a difficult time reaching out to people. So many people had tried to establish a friendship with me but I never recognised it, and I would retreat back into myself with a drink rather than build a friendship. I had this protective barrier around me – I would not let too many people in.
People have told me, it was difficult to establish what mood I was going to be in - I could be very pensive one minute and then upbeat the next. I realise this was because some days I would carry all my troubles around with me, then the next day I would laugh it off as silly and that I just needed to take it easy – but at the same time I was not really managing any of it well at all.
My hope is that I can shine a light on all this so I can see it for what it is. I am motivated to get to the source of my issue…because I want to be healthy, and I want to be a good role model for my kids, and I want my wife to always be my best friend…and I want my parents to know they did the best they could – it must be so painful for them to see their son living in such agony.
But I also want to help a lot of people – and if what I have just written has helped even just one person, I’ll know I’m on the road to recovery and living a life of service and facing my own truths head on.
I still cannot believe I have taken this step – it seems very surreal. And for anyone who drank a lot in their life and made the decision to stop, you’d relate to this I’m sure.
I just want to thank you all in here, I hope you all continue to live a happy healthy life.
Respect,
HG
I visited this forum some months ago because I was quite lost. I knew that I had a problem, but I figured it was manageable. To be honest, I think I have avoided taking action to reframe from using alcohol due to this fear that I may never be able to drink again, and I’d be that person (outcast) at the social gathering who has the “problem”. I was horrified about the whole “label” I would be stuck with because I could not manage my alcohol intake and therefore had to admit I had a problem to people. I guess you could say all this thinking was very much ego orientated.
My fear was based on the experience of having seen my extended family look upon a family member who had to give away drinking some years ago as he was labelled as “oh yeah he has problems”. I didn’t want to be that guy.
But I was about to realise the real truth behind all this…
The crunch came this week when I realised that I may very much lose my marriage. I had been on a 3 day bender (I have been on benders many times throughout my life – I’m in my early forties). My wife, kids and I had been out with a big group of friends, and me doing what I do, I get very boisterous after a few drinks, to the point where you can see some of our friends sinking down in their seats. Most of the time my loud out bursts are in good humour, but when I think about it now, it really stems from my argument with the world – which is motivated by frustration (not enjoying my job, always in debt, not getting the response I would like from my wife).
Things had really blown out later that night - my wife and I argued through the night, and the next day was very nasty in terms of what was said, and I really felt hurt (as she did she of course) by the back and forth arguments we were having. I said I was going to leave, as in move out.
I’m a strong guy in some respects, but can you relate to the complete emotional exhaustion you experience when you and your partner can not find common ground? I was really holding back the tears at this point. I drank all day the next day, not silly, but steadily throughout the day. She went out to seek refuge from her family and friends. After the kids went to bed I wandered off around 9pm to a local pub. I bought a beer and sat on my own. The place was virtually empty. I was pretty much on the verge of crying into my beer at this point. I just felt so hopeless.
A guy wandered out for a cigarette and could see I wasn’t right, but being the polite guy he was, he simply nodded and went about smoking his cigarette. I asked him for a cigarette, not because I really wanted one, I simply wanted someone to talk to – and asking for a cigarette seemed like a good way to break the ice.
I started to tell him about how I was concerned about losing my marriage. He then went on to say that he did lose his, and endured a very bitter custody battle with his kids. He told me the whole experience changed him forever. He told me in an around about way, that I had to go and try to sort things out with my wife, because maybe I could avoid all the pain he went through by simply trying to communicate better.
I literally stood in silence contemplating this as he bid me farewell.
By 10pm I had wandered off again, too afraid to go home. I knew I had to be the one to make the call – but I didn’t how. Plus, at this stage I’d had too much to drink – and when I’ve had a few drinks I can never ever seem to say something logical/rational – it always comes from a place of hurt. So therefore, I knew I was going to “lose” any conversation I was going to have with her in the state I was in.
I stood under the stars, staring…desperate for an answer. I don’t know what it was, and I realise this may seem odd for some, but at that point I called out for a higher power – something outside of myself. And as I was crying, I pleaded for an answer. Now I don’t know if what happened next was just someone shining a torch from their backyard into the sky or not, but a round white light flashed in the sky, three times, and at that point a voice (not physically, in my thinking or heart so to speak) told me…
“Be Honest”
I totally got it.
At that point I realised I had to be honest with myself. It’s okay to have a problem (drinking) so long as you can be honest about “knowing” you have problem – and if you are honest you can begin to help yourself. I realised I had to be honest with my kids – “sorry guys, dad drinks too much, and it is time I could be spending with you”. I realised it is okay to say to my wife, “Look sweet, I’d really appreciate half an hour of your time”.
I realised that it is okay to say to those people in my family, hey I’m sorry for the things I said and have done in the past - I’m going to work hard on re-establishing your faith in me again. I realised I can be honest with myself, and to stop punishing myself for my failures and character faults. I spent from 11pm to about 1am just contemplating all this while I sat on the front yard of my home. I was hopeful, scared, sad, enlightened, drunk…but I was honest. By 2am I was so exhausted I fell asleep.
At 4:30, I woke my wife, and asked her to come sit with me in the lounge room, and while she held her hand on my shoulder, I dialled AA and spoke to Shaun, who put me on the first road to recovery.
I spent all that morning talking to my family and friends and telling them what I had committed myself to. My mum was so relieved.
Later in the day I went to visit my mother in law and tell her I loved her and cherished her very much – she needed to hear that, especially because her daughter had rocked up on her doorstep in tears too many times due to our arguing. She told me she loved me, and was always there for us.
I know a lot of you in here have made exceptional progress. I admire that. I’m very much aware that I am completely raw to this. It’s very scary for me at the moment because most of my adult life has been managed with alcohol.
I don’t blame any event in my life for why I drank beyond the point of civil. I don’t blame my parents or life circumstances – we have all had challenges in our life, cest la vie. I believe I drank past the point of what is regarded normal because I could not be completely honest with myself, and I wanted to hide from myself.
I also had a difficult time reaching out to people. So many people had tried to establish a friendship with me but I never recognised it, and I would retreat back into myself with a drink rather than build a friendship. I had this protective barrier around me – I would not let too many people in.
People have told me, it was difficult to establish what mood I was going to be in - I could be very pensive one minute and then upbeat the next. I realise this was because some days I would carry all my troubles around with me, then the next day I would laugh it off as silly and that I just needed to take it easy – but at the same time I was not really managing any of it well at all.
My hope is that I can shine a light on all this so I can see it for what it is. I am motivated to get to the source of my issue…because I want to be healthy, and I want to be a good role model for my kids, and I want my wife to always be my best friend…and I want my parents to know they did the best they could – it must be so painful for them to see their son living in such agony.
But I also want to help a lot of people – and if what I have just written has helped even just one person, I’ll know I’m on the road to recovery and living a life of service and facing my own truths head on.
I still cannot believe I have taken this step – it seems very surreal. And for anyone who drank a lot in their life and made the decision to stop, you’d relate to this I’m sure.
I just want to thank you all in here, I hope you all continue to live a happy healthy life.
Respect,
HG
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