do we set ourselves up to fail?

[garden girl]

hi everyone after a great start yesterday i am know wondering how cross i will feel with myself tomorrow after having had 3 glasses of wine tonight. However , i have come to the conclusion that if you make decisions about controlling your drinking on the day after you have drunk too much, then those decisions are influenced by the guilt we are feeling , if we waited until a day when we had not had a drink and then gave ourself a goal then maybe that goal would be one we could achieve? The reason I personally say this is because having had a fairly normal day today I do not feel as panicky as I did yesterday and can be a lot more honest with myself as to what i can achieve such as only drinking a couple of times a week and then making sure i never get drunk. When we set ourselves such goals as 2,5,7,20,30 days af, if we fail that then our self esteem hits an even lower rock bottom than before, maybe we should be true to ourselves as to achieve a goal that is NOT what we think we should do but what we could honestly believe we can achieve . THis is not to say that all of you out there are not doing so well on the days you are achieving all the AF days, this is really sent to the people like me who set goals but keep failing.

[Kathy123]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi garden girl,

This really is a "Take it one day at a time" endeavor that we're all in, in my opinion. Some people like to set goals, like a week or a month or whatever. For others, I often hear that it's way too daunting a prospect, for people who have been drinking for so long, to think of NEVER drinking again, or of abstaining for a set number of days.... Especially if it turns into a vicious cycle of setting a goal, failing, and then feeling worse about yourself, which in turn can make it harder to achieve that next goal, and so on.

Overall, my advice is, keep it simple. Just focus on one day. One day at a time.
Best of luck to you!
--Kathy

[Kitty]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi Garden girl,

I know just how you feel. I managed 7 days af last week then had 3 drinks on Saturday and Sunday. I am now on day 3 again and have just resisted finishing off my partner's bottle of red wine.

It is demoralising when you fail and I would love to belive I won't drink again. I'll will feel guilty if I slip again but I am keeping a record of how many af days I have and even if I don't manage to string them all together I take heart that I am at least trying and doing better than I used to.

Don't be too hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack and just keep doing as best you can.

Kitty

[garden girl]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi Kitty good to hear from someone in uk I am in nottingham, are you actually trying to stop drinking or just cut down I cannot seem to get my head round what I want or need to do. Guilty days I want to stop, good normal days I just want to stop drinking too much at a time. What are your thoughts?

[DidItForMe]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi Garden Girl and others:
When I first started this program and started reading this website I didn't know what I wanted. No plan. Stopping cold turkey just seemed too hard, and I wasn't really sure that's what I wanted. I did know however, that I didn't want to keep waking up in the middle of the night with that horrible feeling of anxiety, "why did I drink that much", "what did I say", "did I kiss my kids goodnight before they went to bed", I hated that so much that I hated myself. Somewhere I read that someone else was not trying to be AF, or alcohol free, but DF, or Drunk Free. That was my first goal. I just was not going to get drunk anymore. And I haven't. I stopped drinking hard alcohol (I'm doing the Topa by the way) I cut way back on my consumption, just drink a few glasses of wine a night, and I DO NOT GET DRUNK. That is my goal DF. Everyone is different, but that's me, and that's where I am. I wish you all the best in your journey to find what is best for you.

[Kitty]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi Garden Girl,

I know Nottingham, I'm from Birmingham originally and have just moved to Wales after living in London for 19 years.

I'm finding it quite hard at the moment because my partner drinks daily (I've just expalined this a bit more in the "am I married to an alcohilc" thread) I'd love to be able to moderate but I know it's just not something I am able to do. I'm trying to abstain but it is very hard.

Today for example I am on day 3 af and I think well why shouldn't I have a drink? My crazy brain thinks that if I can go a few days I am somehow cured but I know in my heart that that simply isn't true. I wouldn't mind getting drunk a couple of times a week if it didn't have such a devastating effect on my relationship and also I suffer from depression which is just made a million times worse by alcohol.

I'd love to just get drunk and act silly and end up wearing a traffic cone on my head or doing something daft but alcohol makes me into a nasty spiteful person who is an absolute horror to be with. It just doesn't suit me, and it makes it all the more difficult when it is so readily available and the fact that many people can drink without it being a problem for them.

I think about drugs like Heroin or Crack cocaine which causes just about everyone who uses them problems but alcohol is a tricky one because so many people can just use it sensibly.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Kitty

[bluesky]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Dear All
It really is so complicated isn't it? There are so may methods and options - I quite like the sound of the DF days in other words drinking in moderation like "Diditforme" discovered but am not strong enough even to see the stuff yet - even though I am absolutely enjoying the high that not drinking wine is giving to me at the moment, I love not drinking (it's a vicious circle). I would absolutely love to be a social drinker and am so jealous of those who can but for me it has never worked. I wish I could drink two or three glasses of wine and then say no more. The problem is once the wine gets into my system it takes me over completely and it rules me until like Kathy I continue until I black out or there is no more. So therefore one day at a time for me for the mom. One thing I do know is that I wakened up after a fantastic nights sleep (first one in a long, long time, no wakening up with panic attacks "oh no what did I do", did I call anybody on the phone? did I make invite people over for a diner party? etc. etc. no more dying of thirst in the middle of the night, you know all the symptoms, they go on and on don't they? Anyway doesn't it feel great to waken up feelinlg normal and not anguished and being able to face the family cause you know you did nothing wrong the night before. It's wonderful, I think 1 day at a time is the best but it is different for all of us. It has been easy for me for my 3 AF days as I haven't put temptation in my way but I would be petrified to think what I would do if I had to socialize or even if I had the alchohol at home (panic, panic) so I'm staying away from all that at the mom. maybe not the best way to deal with it but my way. Good luck to us all - have a great day and do whatever is best for you. Thanks to everybody.

Bluesky X

[bluesky]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Apologies Kathy I quoted your name as I thought it was you who had said that you would drink until you passed out or until there was no more - just like me. Many apologies as I now see that you didn't say that but now can't find who did. No harm meant. Please forgive me. Have a good day.

BS X

[retteacher]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Hi everyone: I too would love to drink in moderation. I watch normal drinkers & I know that I cannot do that. Once I start, I always drink way too much.

Bluesky: It's one day at a time for me too. If I look into the future & see no wine, champagne, margaritas, etc. I feel like going to the liquor store ASAP. I have a plan for today & will stick to it.

[hereatlast]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

i agree i would love to be able to "enjoy" a drink my hubby enjoys a drink and i dont expect him to stop because of me, however if its not in the house he doesnt bother, i too take it one day at a time because the future looks bleak without a drink now and then, but i too love the feeling of waking up in the morning and not dreading what i did the night before and not having to check the phone to remind me who i had rung. i am just not strong enough though to stop at one drink. i have an unopened bottle of whisky in the cupboard and if that was not there i would have to go out and buy some i kid myself that if i get desperate it is there mad or what.

[Janice]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Bluesky, totally agree with everything you said - exactly how i'm feeling now. I'm on Day 11 and really enjoying this new healthy happy feeling each day and taking each of those fragile days one at a time. Whats great is sleeping right through the night and not waking at 2am every single night (I read somewhere thats when the alcohol is leaving our bodies, it wakes us up) with a panic attack about how much I've drunk, and look what I'm doing, and will I still be here in 5 years time, and what state will my liver be in - all sorts of thoughts going through my mind, turning over and over, trying to get to sleep then eventually getting up and drinking pints and pints of water to try and hydrate myself. It is so nice just sleeping so soundly right through. I would love to be a social drinker, a glass of wine with my hubby on a Friday night, but I know thats not how its going to be. Anyway Bluesky congrats on Day 3 - every single day is so important and thats why we haven't to look ahead too far. I've started a journal and each morning I write "My aim today is to have an AF day...." so I'm not thinking too much about the future just a day at a time. Good luck Bluesky!! Janice

[chrysa]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

I am not new to MWO but do feel like in a way that "I am Just Starting" again.
gardengirl(GG) -- I think that is very wise. Fo r me I actually "fear" failing at the goal which cause me not to set it.My husband used to do consulting in leadership/goal setting. A very important key to succes is that the goal be realistic. My intital goals a yr ago crumblled becuase I coudl not tolerate the topamax & my program was centered around that. I have been regrouping ever since it seems.

diditforme -- I like the "DF" goal very much. I am going to think more about that concept. Most of the time that is where I am...but I slip...because of some wine thagt ishigher in alcohol or even one extra drink when I am overly tired...or.....there is also a message in that. With my family history I should go AF long term but still after all this time I'm not ready.

[ducky]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

I also like the DF idea. I think I will make that my first goal and see where I go from there. I echo all the comments about waking up in the middle of the night and panicing about what I have said/done. It is such a terrible feeling. I look foward to better sleep and less guilt.:agreed:

[Bean]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

Garden Girl you echoed my thoughts lately - I dont have a plan either and I think it's really inhibiting my progress because I don't know where I want to get to. Like you, when I'm horrily hungover I want to quit completely, when I'm having a bit too much regularly I just want to cut back, when I'm AF I love the feeling but then think I am on top of it so I can have a drink (and usually do). Feel like I'm going round and round in circles and don't know what the answer is. Going AF during the week is often a goal but I usually don't manage it. Then I tell myself its ok because last year I drank every day and now I usually have 3-4 AF days a week so that's ok....(hello slippery slope!). I too like the thought of being 'Drunk Free' . Might try to work on that. Let me know if you reach any conclusions about what your goal might be.
Bean x

[cke123]

do we set ourselves up to fail?

I love the Drunk Free concept. After 5 days AF, i slipped up and drank some with some girlfriends, but didn't get completely hammered like I usually do. I liked the feeling of that the next day. Being absolutely certain that you didn't say or do anything stupid. And it also doesnt make us feel like such "outcasts" (for lack of a better term) for not drinking anything around others.
The question is....how to consistently stay DF. I have a feeling that I would get complacent and be back where I started.

From now on my motto is "I don't know about tomorrow, but today I won't get drunk"
That seems more realistic for me!!!

Thanks for the thread Garden Girl, and everyone for the good ideas.

E
:thanks: