Kailey's Journey

[NoSugar]

Kailey's Journey

Wow, Kailey, I am so impressed. When we say around here that you need to put yourself and your sobriety first, we mean it, but you are truly putting that into action. It seems like you are paying a high price right now but when you make this work, the rewards will more than make up for what is happening now. Please let us know if/how any of us can help you.

NS

[lead366]

Kailey's Journey

Kailey?.....Thats a cool move...Right on! You are making very wise and massive decisions.

I did similar things...8 relapses in 12 months...but im on day 6 now and even though I feel rather lethargic and very lazy.....I know my mind is working...Cuz my sobriety is #1...ABOVE ALL ELSE!

I have no doubt I will succeed...you should as well..We just need time, patience, education, proper nutrition and support...Like these fine folks at MWO give.

Im over all that guilt, shame, what if, embarrassment crap...it serves no purpose.

I think one key is to shift mind focus to #1..I dont drink anymore...thank god...#2...take your mind to other more healthy and happy places.

Im keeping myself at home pretty much and cooking smartly...when I do go out....I just observe my thoughts and guard against any triggers.

Remember....You are very wise to think the way you are thinking...believe it or not?.....you are almost there...time flys......just think about a day last Feb...I just did...lol...Next Feb is just around the corner...and can you imagine how fabulous it will be? I can

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Today is Day 10. I've only hit the 10 day mark a time or two in my adult life, so this feels huge. I'm still away from home, but in good contact with my husband who continues to support me.

The minute I talked to him last night, though, I could tell he had been drinking, and he admitted as much when I asked. He's very remorseful this morning, because he had this picture in his head that he would join me in being AF, and he thinks he let me down. I told him that no one understands more than I do that failing is sometimes a part of the process. I've had more Day 1's than I can count. Bottom line is that he threw out what was left in the bottle this morning and will give it another try.

So now, probably for the first time, I think he really understands the struggle I've had for the last few years. Even though he drinks as much or more than I do, he's always said he could quit if he wanted to. If it were only that easy!

His slip reinforces for me the decision I made 10 days ago to move out of our home for the month. In my case, I don't need treatment, but I do need to be away from temptation. If I had been home last night, I have no doubt I would have found a way to justify drinking with him and today would be Day 1 instead of Day 10. My plan at the moment is to continue to rack up days and support my husband's efforts from a distance. I'm not sure yet how I will deal with the increased temptations to drink when I get back home. I need to start thinking about that as I already feel the clock ticking. I do know that MWO will be a part of the plan. This is a wonderful place. Another home away from home so to speak!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey,

I'm Patty. It's amazing how we can justify and rationalize away our lives. When I first came to this forum back in 2008, it was truly for me, because I wanted to moderate. The thought of living a life without alcohol was overwhelming, truthfully. So many of my recreational activities, as a 40 something mom, revolved around alcohol. I spent 5 months here getting to know myself better, and helping others (I think)... but then when I realized that I was replacing my alcohol addiction with an internet one, I left the cyberworld of MWO.

For the most part, I think I've done "okay" in the moderating world. But truth be told, my husband and your husband could be brothers, so to speak. Part of my fear of going completely AF is that my husband and I will drift apart.... that my choice would lead to different paths. He is a great man and the father of my 4 kids~ so my heart is, truthfully, torn in two. Would he stop drinking if I declare that I'm AF?

In my daily life, I bargain with my Alcohol Genie... the one who should stay in the flipping bottle, but I listen to him and more days than I want to admit, I let him win.
"Just one", he whispers. "You've had a hard day". NO!
"OKAY then", he will cajole, "I'll wait for you for the weekend". I think I'm in the clear!
Out of the blue, my husband will waltz into the family room with a freshly poured glass of merlot, looking like a boy that just caught the biggest fish when he presents it to me... how can I say no? WTF? Unintentionally undermined.
(NOTE: I know, logically, that I could say, "thanks, honey, but no thanks"... I KNOW that, but I haven't. )

About a week and a half ago, my elderly dad was officially diagnosed with cancer and I left my household to be with my dad. Left my husband, my kids, the damned Alcohol Genie... they are back at home. I've been AF the entire time, which is easy when I'm outside of my environment. Yet when I return to my old stomping ground, I've discovered that my young 28 year old niece has been fighting that same demon, but her Genie is so flipping powerful that she's been hospitalized for it. She's lost her job. She's bargaining with her husband, with her brothers and sisters, with her parents, and with anyone else that will listen that it really ISN'T a problem.... she can quit any time! :yeahright: (And, yes, she's been caught sneaking). Seeing the power of alcohol ruin my niece pisses me off. Sigh... for like you, Kailey, my sweet niece has had more day 1's than she cares to admit to. And as I return to this site to find advice for her, I realize that I'm still, in fact, in the same boat as she is. I need to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol and have the courage to stay AF. We need an ark for all of us!

I share my story to let you know that you aren't alone. I want to say THANK YOU for sharing your journey. You've found an inner strength to stand up for yourself. Will it mean that your marriage "crumbles", as I fear for mine? You are strong enough to face that risk, because this is to keep the LIFE in your life. I must do the same.
Sadly, if my marriage was built upon a bunch of corks and beer cans, then it's going to crumble.

You are a strong woman, Kailey, and as you stand tall for your family, I hope that your courage resonates with your husband. :heart:
:hug:

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Wow, HappyLife, you have me in tears. Thank you for sharing your situation and for the encouragement. I hope we both are successful in our seperate journeys.

[Pavati]

Kailey's Journey

Wow to both of you!

Kailey, you sound so strong and determined. That is a big sacrifice you are making, but well worth it for your health and sanity.

Two things that have helped me so far 1) accepting the fact that I don't drink. I have taken the endless decision making off my plate. If I were going to drink again SOMEDAY, I would have to decide every night if that was going to be the day, etc. It was very freeing and peaceful to just take the choice off the table. Of course I still get drinking thoughts and desires, but I chase them away with 2) an attitude of gratitude (as Lav calls it). If I feel down about NOT drinking, I change my thinking to all of the positive ways in which being sober has improved my life. Really, there's no question that my life is better without alcohol. Let me count the ways...

As June3 wrote - if just one, why not none. "Normal" drinking is beyond me.

Stay strong, Kailey and HappyLife!

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Thanks, Pavati. I think I'm on the right track because I completely agree with both of your points. I know I will never drink again. It's just not an option for me. And I am truly grateful that something that at its core is so simple (not taking that first drink) will open up so many wonderful other possibilities for me.

The list of what I want to do in my "new life" is getting longer and longer... gourmet cooking...getting in serious good shape... taking my garden to the next level... all things I've toyed around with in the past, but never really given much attention because the moment I got home from work (or by early afternoon on weekends) I was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in my hand.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Kailey's Journey

Pavati;1626787 wrote: Wow to both of you!
Two things that have helped me so far 1) accepting the fact that I don't drink. I have taken the endless decision making off my plate. If I were going to drink again SOMEDAY, I would have to decide every night if that was going to be the day, etc. It was very freeing and peaceful to just take the choice off the table. Of course I still get drinking thoughts and desires, but I chase them away with 2) an attitude of gratitude (as Lav calls it). If I feel down about NOT drinking, I change my thinking to all of the positive ways in which being sober has improved my life. Really, there's no question that my life is better without alcohol. Let me count the ways...

As June3 wrote - if just one, why not none. "Normal" drinking is beyond me.

Great words of encouragement, Pavati! Thank you!

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Struggling a little bit tonight. I'm just going to gut through the cravings. Went for a walk earlier and that helped for a while, but now the drinking thoughts are creeping back in. DAMN, a glass of wine sounds good, but I won't cave. Tommorow will be two weeks and I will be make it. I have put all my eggs in one basket - taking time away from both my marriage and my job to gain some sober time- and I will not make that effort a waste of time.

[lead366]

Kailey's Journey

Hey Kailey:

Craves dont last long.......just shift your headspace to preferring sobriety instead of missing a drink...its simple......Be grateful for your sober time and pat yourself on the back for taking such decisive action BRAVO!

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Thanks, Lead. I'm trying, believe me! I really am grateful, but for whatever reason I'm having trouble. I know it will pass. I'll just hang on for the ride.

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Made it! Was definitely triggered by a stressful situation and really wanted to numb out with a bottle of wine, but I toughed it out. Whoohoo!

[lead366]

Kailey's Journey

Right on!!! Proud of you....this is experience you can count on if it happens again

Big Win! Congrats:goodjob:

[gracieb]

Kailey's Journey

Yay! Good job!

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Still hanging in there, looking forward to day 16 tomorrow. I've noticed the last two days, which have been the hardest, are also days that I fell into eating lots of carbs and sugar. I was eating cookies and maple fudge today! It's literally been years since I've eaten that kind of food. I feel out of control in much the same way that I do when I'm drinking. So, tomorrow I'm cutting out the carbs and I'll see if that helps with the alcohol cravings.

I know there has been a thread about cutting out sugar from your diet on this board...think I'll go back and find it.