Kailey's Journey

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

I'm so motivated by those of you who have made it. I want to be one of you more than you know!

Yesterday was character building. I had the day off work so the witching hour came early. I was almost in tears I was so frustrated with the internal struggle. My husband inadvertently made it worse by saying I had been doing well, and I should just give myself a break and go get a bottle of wine.

I got as far as putting my shoes on to go before I was able to stop myself. That was close... as close as I hope to ever get. I didn't think it would be easy, thought so I'm in it for the long haul.

Overit, how did you do?

Excited for Day 3.

[Pavati]

Kailey's Journey

Hi, Kailey--

Can you tell your husband what you are doing (quitting alcohol) and ask him for support so he doesn't tempt you like that? I know if I had an enabler at home that is all it would take for me.

Also, and I don't know how exactly to get there, but the best place to be is where drinking is not a choice. When you don't have to decide every day - am I going to drink today? When? How much? How will I stop once I've started? - it takes the chatter out of your head and brings what I've heard called "mind peace." It is actually gratifying to stop that chatter and constant decision making. What brought me to that point was the worst hangover I've ever had in my life and the desire to avoid feeling like that again at all costs. Some people meditate, go to AA, read, etc. to find that mind peace, and it comes and goes for sure (Gambler called sobriety a roller coaster - at day 27 I can attest to that).

The hardest part for me, though, is NEVER. Not in July when I go camping? Not in June at the family reunion? The answer is actually no to all of those questions, but sometimes it is truly easier to take it one day at a time. It is a piece of cake to wake up and say "today I will not drink." That takes the choice off the table and allows me to focus on other things - exercise being primary for a healthy mind.

Anyway - I tend to ramble on my posts. That took a lot of strength to resist buying the wine last night, and you built up more sober muscles in doing so. Keep focused and keep posting and reading here - it truly helps.

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Thanks, Pavati. I know what you mean about it being easier if drinking is off the table. I've considered ordering Antibuse for just that reason. I actually did order it once, but it scared me so much I threw it away. It's temping to try taking just one pill week and be done with it.

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Back to Day 2. So frustrated with myself because this back and forth is not what I want. That being said in an effort to "never drink again" I was AF more days than not in December. And I'm proud of myself that I got right back to the battle and didn't drink yesterday when I certainly I could have used all the great football games as an excuse.

So it is what it is. Day 2. I told myself I would post no matter what, so I will.

[sparkles143]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey I am determined as well even though I am scared to fail and feel powerless to AL.

[Starfish1]

Kailey's Journey

Glad to see you back, Kailey! We can do this!

[j-vo]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey,
You did exactly the right thing. You came back here and posted. I liked what Pav said. Taking it ODAT, and waking up in the morning and saying to yourself "Today I will not drink." You don't need to think about it anymore. AB works in the same way. It takes that opportunity away, so you don't need to think about it. Whatever took works for you, do it. Half the battle is recognizing the problem, knowing that you need to do something about it, and then gettin' busy. Keep posting!

[Darkest Diamond]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey,
Just to say I know you can do this! How I know is because I have had the biggest battles ever with alcohol last year(2013). People on here have been intensly supportive, as I was continually on and off with it. (I never left here, kept writing about all my failures and successes) Now I feel better as I feel I have stopped fighting, I have just surrendered to the fact that I can not drink alcohol as once I start I simply can't stop!

Lots of love to you, this is a supportive place, think we really do help each other
DD

[Yourfriend6116]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey, Thanks so much for your honesty! I look forward to following along. Alcohol dominates my mind from 3pm until I start drinking at 5. I'm always worried about my wine supply...my health..and planning AF days. I'm tired of it, too. Can't wait to take the ride with you. I will NOT drink today.

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

We'll, I'm getting this Day 2 thing down pat! That's okay, I feel very strong right now, and know I can get myself out of this off and on cycle I've been on the last month or so. As much as I enjoyed the holidays this year, I'm glad they are behind me because they certainly derailed me!

Thankful to have woken up this morning to Day 2. Determined to be back tomorrow reporting on Day 3! Drinking is not an option! Thank you for the support so far, and I hope you are all doing well.

[Pavati]

Kailey's Journey

Way to go, Kailey. Keep it up. I recommend checking out the Newbies Nest - it goes fast, but there is always someone there. Maybe next time you feel like drinking you can post FIRST and let someone here try to talk you through the cravings. I've seen lots of people do that and make it through. Here's to a sober 2014!

[bkyogagurl]

Kailey's Journey

Kailey- I'm at day 2 too. Great thread you have started. Will like to follow your progress. Great job.
:goodjob:

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

Thanks, Pavati, for the suggestion to post when the urge to drink hits. That would very likely work, especially if I did it as I was leaving work. I often have my biggest struggles in the car on my drive home. It might be a good new pattern for me to get home and immediately post, also.

Hi Yogagurl! Congratulations on your day 2!

I made it through last night with no trouble. It's baffling to me how some days can be so easy and some so hard. Oh well, I'll take an easy day anytime! Tonight being the weekend will likely be much tougher.

[DipGal]

Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey, I'm a day behind you (starting day 2), and a bit worried about the weekend as well. It's freezing cold where I am and I don't want to go out of the house much. My weekends usually consist of drinking all day to keep me company with my computer games and forums, netflix movies and cooking while DH watches his sports on TV. We just need to distract ourselves. I have a ton of computer work and getting rid of stuff all around the house. Maybe I'll force myself to get involved with a project like that. Good luck to us! Oh, and I plan to be on MWO posting and reading - a lot!

[Kailey]

Kailey's Journey

For the first time since I started this thread on December 26 I have hit the 7 day mark. It hasn't come without a price. I've temporarily moved out of my home so that I can seperate myself from the temptation to drink that occurs for me every night, since my husband is a heavy drinker, too.

He was initially very angry, but now supports me and says he is quitting too. I am tempted to go back home and work on our sobriety together, and I will, but not yet. I need to get stronger first. My plan right now is to return home at the end of the month, when I will have almost hit the 30 day mark. I never imagined I would have to go to such lengths.

I took a leave of absence from my job, without giving a reason. That's embarrassing. I'm sure people are talking. That's embarrassing. I've hurt my husband. That hurts me, too. I just have to put that all out of my mind for the moment and focus on myself right now. I know if I do that I will be a better wife and employee, and more importantly I will finally be on the road I have dreamt of for so long, towards a sober life.