It's jan 2nd, I heard about baclofen over the christmas holidays and ordered the book from amazon. Read it yesterday, almost in one sitting. ordered from 4rx today. It will be a week or two until it gets here, so this is a good opportunity to start a baseline journal. a before, during and after. I probably should point out that this is not a new years resolution by any means, but having time off a christmas to really look at my life has motivated me to do something about it.
I guess some background about me .. Everything in the book rings true for me. I do have anxiety, deep anxiety issues that I was not aware of until this past year. This past year I divorced, my wife was unfaithful to me. I got the I don't love you speech and then I started looking and found she had at least two affairs over the past 3 or 4 years of our marriage. I was pretty crushed. We went through marriage counseling and made some progress but eventually I felt like I was the only one trying to save the marriage. we separated a year ago and are now divorced.
I have worked through my own issues in the best way I could. I can certainly say I am in better shape now then 1 year ago. I dealt with some abandonment issues from my childhood and found quite a few triggers. getting in the moment, exercise, visualization all seemed to help. until it didn't.
I felt like all my life I was always my own worst critic. severely. I kept putting myself in a box, don't do this, don't do that, the person you are supposed to be would never do this, never do that, never be like that guy, and I put all these rules on myself and my world got smaller and smaller. It served me well at work, I have been very successful. It does not work in other areas. I drank to deal with rejection, my own inadequacies and insecurities... and I hated myself. I would either pull away and isolate in a mechanism to make my needs small, or I would blow up from not having my needs met. It was an emotional roller coaster I am sure many are aware of.
After separating in Oct 2012, I did really good for a while. willpower mostly, but I made some great progress. I had some truly dark days in December, fuck the holidays are hard hard for a newly single dad who didn't want to leave his children. but I got through them somehow. many crippled alcohol nights. But I did make it through them.
After the holidays last year I was exercising, lost a bit of weight, then I hurt my back in April. Really hurt it. degenerative disk disease. I was told surgery was my only option. I took the physical therapy/chiropractor path and it took 4 months to recover. I lost all of my progress in exercise and weight loss. Most of my self confidence was again zapped. I drank. I drank and drank.
So I spoke before about how I put myself in this box and felt I had to do this perfect and that perfect. Well sometime in the summer, I pretty much said fuck that. I decided I was not going to feel guilt about anything. I went nuts a bit. I drank freely and without shame, I slept around, I blew off work meetings, I alienated some long time friends. I didn't really like living like that either.
I have lived by myself for 14 months or so now, and I work from home. Nearly all of my social contact are the regulars at the bars I frequent. Karaoke singers at this place, poker players at this place, barflies and the like at the closest ice house. Most of them good people, many of them divorced men with nowhere else to go like me. Most of us ending the day in desperation just like me as well. (Of course we never say that) ..
This past fall, my Mom died. That same week my divorce was final. That same week I found out I would not have or see my kids for christmas.
I spent most of December evenings drunk as shit. Going to one bar after another. sometimes getting cut off, sometimes insulting people, often having drunk casual sex with strangers. waking up every morning cringing with terror and fear of what I had done the night before.. is my truck in the driveway, who did I text, who did I call? what did I say and do? It was terror every day. How long can I make it? can I make it until 5pm, noon .. fuck, its 830 in the morning why did I open this beer. I have time for everything that is bad for me.
So fast forward a few days ... I got the kids on Dec 28, and we are having a good time. I try not to drink around them, and am finding the exact same anxiety that has hit me before. The afternoon comes on and I almost feel like I am freezing up. I try using vitamin B and other vitamins because I know they help me. It doesn't help. It doesn't touch it. Alcohol is such terrible medicine.
I'm scared. I feel like I am on a path of self destruction. No one is looking out for me, and if I go off the rails, I do not feel like there will be anyone to help me get back on track.
I just want off the roller coaster.
I guess some background about me .. Everything in the book rings true for me. I do have anxiety, deep anxiety issues that I was not aware of until this past year. This past year I divorced, my wife was unfaithful to me. I got the I don't love you speech and then I started looking and found she had at least two affairs over the past 3 or 4 years of our marriage. I was pretty crushed. We went through marriage counseling and made some progress but eventually I felt like I was the only one trying to save the marriage. we separated a year ago and are now divorced.
I have worked through my own issues in the best way I could. I can certainly say I am in better shape now then 1 year ago. I dealt with some abandonment issues from my childhood and found quite a few triggers. getting in the moment, exercise, visualization all seemed to help. until it didn't.
I felt like all my life I was always my own worst critic. severely. I kept putting myself in a box, don't do this, don't do that, the person you are supposed to be would never do this, never do that, never be like that guy, and I put all these rules on myself and my world got smaller and smaller. It served me well at work, I have been very successful. It does not work in other areas. I drank to deal with rejection, my own inadequacies and insecurities... and I hated myself. I would either pull away and isolate in a mechanism to make my needs small, or I would blow up from not having my needs met. It was an emotional roller coaster I am sure many are aware of.
After separating in Oct 2012, I did really good for a while. willpower mostly, but I made some great progress. I had some truly dark days in December, fuck the holidays are hard hard for a newly single dad who didn't want to leave his children. but I got through them somehow. many crippled alcohol nights. But I did make it through them.
After the holidays last year I was exercising, lost a bit of weight, then I hurt my back in April. Really hurt it. degenerative disk disease. I was told surgery was my only option. I took the physical therapy/chiropractor path and it took 4 months to recover. I lost all of my progress in exercise and weight loss. Most of my self confidence was again zapped. I drank. I drank and drank.
So I spoke before about how I put myself in this box and felt I had to do this perfect and that perfect. Well sometime in the summer, I pretty much said fuck that. I decided I was not going to feel guilt about anything. I went nuts a bit. I drank freely and without shame, I slept around, I blew off work meetings, I alienated some long time friends. I didn't really like living like that either.
I have lived by myself for 14 months or so now, and I work from home. Nearly all of my social contact are the regulars at the bars I frequent. Karaoke singers at this place, poker players at this place, barflies and the like at the closest ice house. Most of them good people, many of them divorced men with nowhere else to go like me. Most of us ending the day in desperation just like me as well. (Of course we never say that) ..
This past fall, my Mom died. That same week my divorce was final. That same week I found out I would not have or see my kids for christmas.
I spent most of December evenings drunk as shit. Going to one bar after another. sometimes getting cut off, sometimes insulting people, often having drunk casual sex with strangers. waking up every morning cringing with terror and fear of what I had done the night before.. is my truck in the driveway, who did I text, who did I call? what did I say and do? It was terror every day. How long can I make it? can I make it until 5pm, noon .. fuck, its 830 in the morning why did I open this beer. I have time for everything that is bad for me.
So fast forward a few days ... I got the kids on Dec 28, and we are having a good time. I try not to drink around them, and am finding the exact same anxiety that has hit me before. The afternoon comes on and I almost feel like I am freezing up. I try using vitamin B and other vitamins because I know they help me. It doesn't help. It doesn't touch it. Alcohol is such terrible medicine.
I'm scared. I feel like I am on a path of self destruction. No one is looking out for me, and if I go off the rails, I do not feel like there will be anyone to help me get back on track.
I just want off the roller coaster.
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