changes needed in my life

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

It's been two weeks since my last post.
I stuck with the bac, now I am at 75 a day, 25mg 3 times. It makes me sleepy during the day, and sometimes I have a really tough time going to sleep at night. Sometimes I get dizzy or nauseous in the mid day.

I have noticed that the urge to start drinking is nowhere near as strong as I recall it in the afternoons and quite frequently I do not even have a first beer until 10pm or so.

I spent a week in Chicago for work last week, that was brutally cold. I was pretty much stranded on a few days and stayed sober. Other days I got plowed.

Kids are doing good, I have them until Monday afternoon. It's funny how funny I can be now without a drink at all. This is a part of my character that has always been constant. I have heard that I frequently come off as snobby or arrogant or too serious when sober. I don't usually become "me" until I knock a few back. I find this not to be the case as much and I am making jokes and laughing in the middle of the day. I know it's chemical assisted, but it helps.. alot. I also find myself chatting with strangers a bit, just random people at the grocery store. Teasing girls I meet at coffee shops or whatever, kinda no fucks given mentality. It's just an interesting observation at this point for me. I wonder if anyone else has a similar experience. I also seem to have lost a few pounds.

I know I need to manage myself this coming up Sunday. I am part of a bbq cooking team and we will be cooking ribs and assorted bbq at an ice house all day before the game. I know I wont stay there for the game, but I just need to make sure I keep myself in check since I will have the kids this weekend. I have done it in the past, but I have also not managed to do it in the past as well.

As for "quitting", it is still on the table... why am I too scared to let it go?

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

I have been completely sober for 3 of the last 4 days.

Friday and Saturday not a drop, did ok with it too. Stayed busy with my sons martial arts workshop on Friday and big event on Saturday. Sunday was superbowl, Me and a few other guys bbq'd for 85 or so of my favorite alcoholics all day. I got drunk, had to be driven home. I was given a bunch of compliments on cooking and too many free drinks to count. Sunday was total relapse of self-will. Good news, I very unexpectedly won the 4th quarter of the superbowl pot and got a nice envelope on Monday when I went back to get my vehicle. Last night was Monday, I stayed sober again and went geocaching instead. I was out until about 11pm before I could come home to unwind with a book.

I am staying busy, like super busy, my house is squeaky clean, taxes are 99% done, just waiting on one more document, and my dog is happy with the walks we have gone on.

Had a semi-big fight with the girl I have been seeing. Not sure if I am just more easily agitated or if I am just sick of her shit and seeing it more clearly when sober.

I am still on 75mg of bac, but I added cdp-choline, theanine, and a b multi vitamin as well. These seem to help me. I will probably increase the baclofen more this week. The vitamins help more than I remember them the last time I tried that approach.

I guess I am plodding along ok... I feel like I have these mini cycles where I am ok for a few days in a row now but have no long term ability to stay sober. I would appreciate any support you guys could offer.

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

I have been doing good. Plugging in more sober days as I go. Completely sober 8 of the last 11 days. I know that's not much of a record, but it's good for me.

Tonight was rough, the kids were supposed to be picked up by their mom at 6, no call, no show. At 7:45 she texts she is on her way. a scene unfolds in my driveway with her yelling at me because I told her this was unacceptable. I think she had been drinking.. (she wasn't drunk, just glassy eyed and noisy/chatty/defensive). I walk back inside and she brings both the kids back up to the door to argue with me more in front of them. I handled it mostly cool and shut it down saying this was not the way to handle this. She left huffing and puffing...

Fuck. I'm angry and anxious now. My "cool vibe" is gone. I want bourbon. lots of it. that bitch knows how to push my buttons. Going to try to just go play some music for a few and hope this passes.

How do others deal with this? help...

[Pavati]

changes needed in my life

Hi, Muldoon:

Sounds like you are making great progress. One way to think of it is - you want to be sober, you are working to be sober. You have a lot of reasons for this, but I guess not the least of which is to be there, present, and a role model for your kids. Your ex is being aggressive, manipulative - not nice. It causes stress, so you want to drink. IF you drink you will be in essence drinking AT her (these are the words of wise Byrdie in the nest) - and that will not help anything. If you drink because she made you angry, you are giving her the ultimate power - the power to "cause" you to do something you don't want to do, and something you wouldn't have otherwise done. And if you play it out further, you will just wake up with the same anger you never dealt with and processed, and you will add to it the anxiety, guilt and remorse that comes from having too much booze.

What do I do? Exercise is key for me to relieve stress. I like loud music also, singing along if possible. I also come here and write, venting my feelings (I suggest posting your stuff on a more active thread that many visit. There is the Newbies Nest, or there are more active threads under the meds section if you want to connect to other users of Bac.

You could also read in the tool box for creative ways to work through an urge to drink, and for ideas for stress reduction.

Keep strong, Muldoon. You can do this!

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

Thanks pavati, I did restart exercise recently and do find it helps. I love music and that's what I did that night.

I went and played guitar for about an hour but I guess I need to learn some new songs because after a while I just wasn't feeling it. I took 40mg "extra" bac, and decided to go out geocaching. I calmed down pretty quick once I was walking on some trails.

I really wanted to focus on the trigger. Why did I allow it to affect me so much?

I came to a pretty crazy conclusion, one I didn't expect. I think in general how people react to life says alot more about them than the event in question. Why did I choose to react the way I did? Abandonment. She pushed my fear of abandonment button.

When I was a kid, my little brother died when he was 2. My mom went off the rails, and she left us. more than once. When she married husband number 3, I think I would have been 6 or so, she bailed to Las Vegas for 3 months and my grandmother had to come get us and we stayed with her. I lived with my mom until I was 12 when she kicked me out and I moved in with my dad. During the last few years with mom she was drinking heavily. She would go out on Friday night and sometimes not come home until Sunday. Me and my sister were hungry and this was before the days of cell phones. I spent a few summers with my grandmother during childhood. That was fucked up.

But I built these memories. And when I am waiting on Veronica to show up and she no-calls, no-shows, I have this huge sense of anxiety. A sense of dread. I never understood it, and I never could have expained it before. While we were married, it was one of our biggest recurring fights. She would go out once a week or so for girls night. (I went out the same frequency so it was cool), but she would never come back when she said she would. Many nights I would text her at midnight and she would ignore it. It generated huge tension in me, and the last two years of marriage it was all downhill. I now know she was cheating during that timeframe, but all I knew then was that she was distant and gone. Just fucking gone. That also pushed my abandonment button. Big time. I drank and drank as a way of dealing with it. Yeah, that's a pretty lousy strategy for dealing with stress, but it is what it is. You guys here should know all about it.

In a way it's kinda funny how when you grow up you somehow re-create the same environment from childhood. I have heard of this before, but never really realized it so clearly. In some ways I feel like I used my ex as a way to punish myself. The same way I use alcohol or any of the other things that are bad for me that I always seem to have time for.

So after this realization, I kinda had this silly conversation with myself. Something along the lines of "Dear brain, I realize that you are trying to protect me. At some points in my life I was in a situation where getting my physical and emotional needs met was in danger because of this. And during that time my stress levels were off the charts. Dear brain, you learned that since I survived those days that this was an effective coping strategy. It's not. It's not helpful at all, so cut that shit out. Just knock it off. I got this, and can handle it the way I handle other things in life. With wisdom from experience and knowledge that whatever happens, we will be ok. So cut it out."

I was feeling great. The huge dose of baclofen and this realization had me feeling fantastic. Stress free, anxiety free. So great that for some stupid reason I decided I wanted to go sing karaoke. I did drink. And I drank the next day as well. Yesterday, I stayed home and completely sober until 10:30pm. Then I just broke down and went out. I got drunk again last night. I was mostly fine, and then I just fell off a cliff drunk. I apparently hit on a few women at the bar in front of my girlfriend. One girl even came over and was talking to both of us, very attractive girl, I made fun of her calling her aquanetta .. implying she had on a ton of hair spray. She told me her hair was soft and for me to touch it. I put my hand around the back of her head rubbing it softly with my fingertips, and then gently but firmly pulled a handful of her hair downwards. She closed her eyes and took a deep sexy breath... can't explain the body language, but it was clear as day. My girlfriend did not really appreciate that. oops. I wound up actually falling asleep at the bar later last night. Not the worst thing ever, but not really cool either. My girl brought me home and I do not remember anything after that.

So I fell off the wagon and pretty much ruined my streak of alcohol free. Todays a new day. Today I will not drink. I get the kids after school until next Tuesday night, so 5 days in a row with them. I am looking forward to it.

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

I had a bad night last night, was doing great and got the kids to bed about 8:45. I decided to go out for a beer at 11 because someone texted me to join them. place is 3 blocks away. i get there and have some beers. This girl walks in and we start talking, ended up staying to last call. she is very flirty and comes to the house to hang out in garage. things were going well, but I had no business doing this. Around 4 I tell her she needs to go home and she gets kinda mad, I ask if can call someone or if I can call someone for her. I change the music that we were digging to kinda get her moving, and she is leaving. She tells me she cannot find her keys, I look around and do not see them. I tell her I'll look around inside and she says ok. I go look and no keys, I come back out and she is gone. good. glad I didnt have sex with her. I realize this morning that when I was looking for her keys, she stole my cell phone from the garage and left.

I am hung over today. brain fog, anxious, my blood sugar is way out of whack. I forgot what waking up to hell feels like. what did I do? dealing with the phone has been a huge hassle this morning, I am behind on work and still feel foggy....

I'm done with this. I am so done with this.

I have a wall sized mirror next to my pc, so I took out a dry erase marker and wrote some things down so I can look at them. Reasons why not to drink without actually saying what they are. I know what they are, if someone asks, they are things I am grateful for. family, my job, my self-image, wallet, my health, my time, my things, my freedom, memory, my hands, my life. All of these things are being taken from me or have a very real risk of being taken from me if I keep going on this path. I can look over at them anytime I need.

I'm done with this.

[Darkest Diamond]

changes needed in my life

Just wanted to send you lots of support, I know how hard this is. I have struggled a lot recently and been at the point of despair often, but through writing it all down you seem to be coming to a real understanding of yourself and your triggers and also the devastation that alcohol can cause.

Wishing you lots of success, it is a shame that Gambler does not seem to be posting on here at the moment as others have said you two have certain things in common, but do find his past posts as you might find them very helpful.

All the best with your mission,
DD

[muldoon]

changes needed in my life

thank you darkest diamond, for the support and kind words.

I am sort of glad I am writing this down. I discovered something by going back and reading it through again... I was doing pretty good. And then I wasn't. Last Wednesday, the 12th was when I really fell down last time. I have not felt right since then, body and mind very foggy and sluggish. Every time I eat, I am sleepy 10 minutes later. I wrote it off as the side effects of baclofen, which I had actually began titrating down slightly because I didn't like it. But the blood sugar thing really threw me. It stayed high, super high, 300's. I had blood sugar issues a few years ago, but had gotten it under control. I checked myself off and on over the past two years and it was generally in a safe place. Not the past week or two, I can see *now* my issue was not baclofen, it was blood sugar.

I started reading about baclofen and blood sugar and discovered that baclofen raises blood sugar, which I was disappointed to see, but oh well. I would rather understand and accept than continue. This is pretty important, as type 2 diabetes (which I am not diagnosed with, but have been pre-borderline in the past) is a huge factor in many alcoholics. For many of the alcoholics of european lineage, our livers are adept at processing the booze, it is our pancreas and insulin that fails us. It stacks up as weight gaining around our middles, frequent urination, frequent thirst, depression, anxiety. aka diabetes or pre-diabetes coupled with alcoholism.

baclofen taken with this going on in your body can create a pretty dangerous situation.

Then I started reading more about the supplements I was taking, and found that cdp-choline and especially cdp-alpha were really not good for blood sugar. Big time problems, especially the gpc-alpha vitamin. It is effective in depression, providing choline, a necessary nutrient most people are deficient in. However, it also creates HGH in our bodies. Human Growth Hormone, in fact it creates alot of it. And HGH creates diabetes.

HGH (Human Growth Hormone): Uses and Side Effects

nerve, muscle, or joint pain
swelling due to fluid in the body's tissues (edema)
carpal tunnel syndrome
numbness and tingling of the skin
high cholesterol levels

HGH can also increase the risk of diabetes and contribute to the growth of cancerous tumors.

editing in to add, high choline science: A Choline-Deficient Diet Exacerbates Fatty Liver but Attenuates Insulin Resistance and Glucose Intolerance in Mice Fed a High-Fat Diet
"Among choline-supplemented animals, high-fat feeding induced insulin resistance and glucose intolerance, with an elevation in fasting plasma glucose and insulin levels and elevated plasma glucose during the intraperitoneal glucose tolerance test" & "Animals on the choline-deficient high-fat diet had lower fasting insulin and lower plasma glucose during the intraperitoneal glucose tolerance test."


wow. I stopped those two yesterday. I can see from my own words in this thread that I started taking it on feb 5th, after having 8 of 11 days sober. I also can see what happened after I started it.



I do suffer from ulnar nerve problems, and I have tingling in my hands, and occasionally one of my big toes. I was taking something for that as well, that I thought would help me on my road to recovery. The next discovery I was not expecting was L-Phenylalanine, it did not cross my mind to consider drug interactions.

All About L-Phenylalanine - What L-Phenylalanine Is & Does in Nutritional Supplements

WebMD strongly recommends that people with Parkinson's disease who take Sinemet (levodopa) not take L-Phenylalanine because it decreases the effectiveness of the medicine. The UMMC studies add that people taking Baclofen for muscle spasms should avoid L-Phenylalanine because of interaction concerns.
..

and from Possible Interactions with: Phenylalanine - Penn State Hershey Medical Center


Baclofen -- The absorption of baclofen (Lioresal), a medication used to relieve muscle spasms, may be reduced by phenylalanine. Therefore, it is best to avoid taking this medication with a meal, especially one that is high in protein content, or with phenylalanine supplements.


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I was creating huge surges of glucose in my body, which caused my emotional state to be fucked up, just no other word for it. I was also taking vitamins that limited what little baclofen could be absorbed, while slowly decreasing the dosage I was on. It is not that surprising that the last week or two has been such hell for my body.

I realize that I only have myself to blame for this. I should have done more research before taking this combination. I read up on every chemical I have put in my body. Each one of them has a specific purpose. I did not take into consideration the aggregate effect of all of them simultaneously.

This is a very real danger in "self-help" medicine. This is also why many doctors will shy away from these treatments because it is not well understood. Be wary...

That being said, I made some big changes yesterday in what vitamins I am taking, and was drink free last night. Yesterday was an enormously stressful day, with many things happened. I stayed alcohol free during one of the worst days I have had in the last two months. And I feel great this morning.

Onward.