Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Any friends still here?

Collapse
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 3
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous 1 2 3 template Next
    #1

    Any friends still here?

    Sorry, time for self indulgent honesty.

    Yup bobbed back to the surface like some skanky cork in the sea, don't know what is happening with my head, my body (God knows), my life. Homestly tried to quit - BIG TIME - went totally cold turkey, walked the walk and talked the talk, but never got over the gaping hole that the lack of booze left in my very being. Wouldn't say I'm drinking more than before (that would be a challenge), but certainly back in the saddle.
    There are so many wonderful, honest, giving and inspirational people on here, I want to be so much like you, but it's just not happening. I believe you when you say hang on in there, it even happens, briefly, then, wham, back to the beginning, but I'm not sorry about that. Strangley, but then I find myself back here, reading posts, understanding the terrible stories, I've been there so many times myself, I totally get it, and empethise with so many. So, back to 2-3 bottles a day (more some days), not wanting to stop, not caring about the outcome.
    I am an artist, people expect, even appreciate my barmy behavoir. My childhood was traumatic and at parts horrific, which I am sure has lead to a complete self destruct mission for my mind. Alcohol has become part of my persona, my unwelcome siemese twin, My kids friends comment I smell funny (alcohol), that I act weird, they look ashamed. What can they say to that? I wonder how they will reflect on those times when they are older. That makes me sad, but obviously not sad enough. My husband threatens to leave, I say go, he never does, he loves me, but I know I'm doing his head in.
    Yesterday I packed up our Christmas trimmings, and I wondered if I would be here next year to see them. I labelled them for easy reference for the family incase I wasn't. Even dying dosn't seem to deter me. Now even I realise that isn't rational behaviour.
    I would kick myself up the arse, but I honestly don't self pity that much. I am pretty happy and grateful, I love my work, my kids and my husband, unfortunatley, I also love the bottle.
    Where now?
    Lost, Noodle xx
    Tags: None
    #2
    Any friends still here?

    Noodle,:l

    Yes, lots of your friends are STILL here, some sober, and some struggling. We have some relatively new people like Treetops, who is from Australia, and she's been sober a good while, and is always helpful to Newbies, or returning friends like you. Several people you know have come back after a hiatus to try and moderate, but well, you know how well that DOES NOT work most of the time. Pop back into the Newbies Nest.

    I know you are very sad, but maybe you were like me when I was first starting my AF journey, I thought the inherent depressant nature of alcohol did NOT apply to me. Was I ever wrong!! The more you drink, and especially EVERY day, the more depressed you will become, and you will end up in despair, just as you are now.

    I've got to ask you though, why don't you want to stop? When you say you are an artist, and some even appreciate your "barmy" behavior, I think you are underestimating your clients/friends. No one appreciates drunken behavior, believe me. They are probably being kind to your face but then smirking behind your back.

    Take your life back, Noodle. You deserve it.

    Comment

      #3
      Any friends still here?

      Hey Rusty,
      You are totally right, my heart sank when I read your words, so I know they are true.
      I feel at times like a warrior, in my head I make things happen, I fight, shout and stand my ground, I say what people don't want to say, then I get plastered to calm my nerves and ease my soul, then hopefully sleep will come.
      Why can't I be all this without being a mess, a drunk? What I have to say is important (I think), though who will take me seriously when a drunk is ranting their thoughts at them?
      I have been at the point of never wanting to drink again, at least four times before, and stuck it for a while. I'll be honest, it was a bloody nightmare, I went for three months at my longest stretch, and not one day became easier than another. I hate who I am, but I also hate any alternatives. What ever I do just dosn't seem to work.

      Do you ever think about those times as a child when alcohol didn't even exist? All you got excited about was cake, craft sets and riding a bike with friends at the park? Parties were about a new dress, the latest singles and dancing? I grieve for those times, for the girl I once was.

      I feel defeated.

      Comment

        #4
        Any friends still here?

        Oh Noodle, my heart aches for you. The word "believe" comes to mind.. If we don't believe deep down in our core that we can change and deserve to change, then we won't. Somehow we need to get to our subconscious and make it believe that we can and will make the changes necessary for us to be healthy, happy, vibrant people that our loved ones can count on and be proud of. I'm a newbie, so do not have the eloquent advice as some of the experts, but I just wanted you to know that I care. ((Hugs))..
        "We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
        ~John Lennon

        Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.
        ~Author Unknown

        Comment

          #5
          Any friends still here?

          Rusty;1608369 wrote:
          I know you are very sad, but maybe you were like me when I was first starting my AF journey, I thought the inherent depressant nature of alcohol did NOT apply to me. Was I ever wrong!! The more you drink, and especially EVERY day, the more depressed you will become, and you will end up in despair, just as you are now.
          Hi, Noodle -

          I am only on day 35, so not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. What I can tell you is that I have had the same experience Rusty describes. I thought I was just "moody" and got sad in the winter, but this winter is so much better without alcohol. Yes, I have wider mood swings than average, but the deep sadness has not been there since I quit alcohol.

          Also, I have quit for 30 day stints here and there over the years, and each time I felt like you describe - white knuckling it, each day no better than the last. This time it is different. I decided before this quit that I had reached a point where my life was too important to give it up to alcohol - so I decided that I could not drink again. The difference is that now I don't have to struggle every day - there is no struggle because drinking is not an option I am willing to entertain. So my focus has shifted from not drinking to living my life sober. I look forward to parties for the food and dancing, I look forward to going out to talk with and be with my friends. It honestly works.

          I hope you can use your kids, your husband and your art as motivation to get your life back from alcohol. You have the power to not drink - but once you drink, alcohol has the power over you.

          Welcome back - I wish you strength and success!

          Comment

            #6
            Any friends still here?

            noodle;1608377 wrote: . I hate who I am. I feel defeated.
            That's the key to the Kingdom, Dear Noodle. IMO the reason we don't want to stop is simply that- we hate ourselves. I think in light of that, the behavior is actually quite rational- not good of course but totally understandable.
            Everything after the self loathing for me anyway, has been window dressing. It has nothing to do with getting me well. I have to figure out a way to be fine, happy, content...fill in the blank with who I am, how I am, what it can do...what I can't do...what I've done (and that's a biggie! ) what I haven't done...( and that's an even bigger one!! )

            I'm starting a therapy group tomorrow with the family which is based on The Arbinger Principals of Self Deception....I've already read the first book- Leadership and self deception.
            Im hopeful that this perspective can really unhinge my own self loathing. I hear a lot of that in your post too. I really believe that until we get out from under that, Noodle, we're treading water.

            Stay close and I'll keep an update on the Arbinger stuff in my Kradle thread....fingers crossed!
            :l:h
            On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
            *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

            Comment

              #7
              Any friends still here?

              Hey Noodle - yes still here, but keeping on trying. I am at Day 7 or 8 - 8 I think, but not getting to the holy grail yet.
              Noodle, just keep trying - I do believe things are getting closer for me, but I keep on going - coming back, starting again and not allowing this to defeat me. I do think it clicks for each of us in differnet ways at differnet times. i am sure there are enough folks who are sick of me for keeping coming back (I will not call it failure if I keep trying), but I need to do what work for me so that I can succeed in my own way as I am determined to be here next Christmas.
              Your post has actually remotivated me - I put my stuff away yesterday and labelled each box - never done that before, but the idea that it is so my girls know how to set up for Christmas is horrendous - come join me, I am just in front of you - I am stepping in others footprints - come join us!
              Big :l:l Dear Noodle....
              “The only courage you will ever need is the courage to live the life you want"

              Comment

                #8
                Any friends still here?

                Hello Noodle,
                I've seen your posts from time to time but never really said hello. So... HELLO!

                Quitting is no easy task, as we all know too well, and each person is so different in their needs, hopes, strengths, weakness, and just all around who we are. I truly feel that there is a level each person reaches where enough is enough. Perhaps your's has not come yet, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. My gut feeling is that we all know our gut feeling and that is really the only person we are answerable to. I could not live with who I had come to be any more. My gut (and it had gotten big!) feeling knew it was time but it took the rest of me another 1/2 year for the rest of me to catch up. Wishing you the best in your journey
                Sam
                Liberated 5/11/2013

                Comment

                  #9
                  Any friends still here?

                  Hi Noodle,
                  I don't think I can give you anymore good wisdom as the people above, but I can give you encouragement. I, too, am a repeat quitter, and like Pav said above, it's been the "white knucking" until my quit in October. I slipped once, but got back on after that. I've come to see that as a real disease, something that I cannot have in my life if I want to love myself and begin to appreciate life. I've gained an acceptance for myself as I am. I can tell you that I've made a complete 180 and it's quite liberating.

                  I hope you can stay here this time and read, learn how others have gotten past that deprivation mode and live in the gratitude mode. Good luck! And you're worth it, your family needs you.
                  Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Any friends still here?

                    Hi noodle,

                    Good to see you again

                    After I read your post the first thing that came to mind was: 'She needs to watch the Rain in my Heart' documentaries.
                    If you haven't watched them, or even if you have, watch them & then see if you still the same way about AL :l

                    Wishing you the best!
                    Lav
                    AF since 03/26/09
                    NF since 05/19/09
                    Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Any friends still here?

                      Kia ora Noodle
                      welcome back:welcome:
                      First off, I am not from Australia - like Rusty said - as we know a big difference:H

                      I have been sober since Oct 2012 after decades of heavy drinking and some stop/starts. I also have had serious health scares. I know the NZ recovery scene relatively well - and also how easy it is to drink copious amounts of cheap wine here. My gut feeling is you have to want to quit - and really have an all out war on AL and instigate (a) Plan Quit (b) Plan Recovery. The self development and awareness may come with this but first your Quit has to be the No1. Goal. If you are drinking 2-3 bottles of wine (which in NZ is high in ALC content) thats very very serious and damaging - to your mental and physical health, as well as having an impact on those around you. As you must know ALC impacts much more quickly on us women than men - and the long-term damage hits us earlier than men.
                      Have you seen this doco- oneof the few on women and AL in NZ :
                      A Drinking Problem | Greenstone TV

                      It has dated info and I don't agree with some points in it (eg what defines an alcoholic) and it may not relate to you. Thats a problem we alkies have - we think we are 'special drinkers'.

                      There is support here in various forms and actually many GPs in NZ are reasonably clued up on providing support. In-patient rehab is not so easy here unless you are really sick.
                      But you have to want to do this - part of that is being very aware of why you drink and then deconstructing your own arguments to yourself. A good way to do this is to share with others here on MWO. And you are doing this. So thats a fantastic start.

                      I will try to be back later on- I have work now - and do PM me for advice/info/support.
                      Hugs

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Any friends still here?

                        Kia ora Noodle
                        welcome back:welcome:
                        First off, I am not from Australia - like Rusty said - as we know a big difference:H

                        I have been sober since Oct 2012 after decades of heavy drinking and some stop/starts. I also have had serious health scares. I know the NZ recovery scene relatively well - and also how easy it is to drink copious amounts of cheap wine here. My gut feeling is you have to want to quit - and really have an all out war on AL and instigate (a) Plan Quit (b) Plan Recovery. The self development and awareness may come with this but first your Quit has to be the No1. Goal. If you are drinking 2-3 bottles of wine (which in NZ is high in ALC content) thats very very serious and damaging - to your mental and physical health, as well as having an impact on those around you. As you must know ALC impacts much more quickly on us women than men - and the long-term damage hits us earlier than men.
                        Have you seen this doco- oneof the few on women and AL in NZ :
                        A Drinking Problem | Greenstone TV

                        It has dated info and I don't agree with some points in it (eg what defines an alcoholic) and it may not relate to you. Thats a problem we alkies have - we think we are 'special drinkers'.

                        There is support here in various forms and actually many GPs in NZ are reasonably clued up on providing support. In-patient rehab is not so easy here unless you are really sick.
                        But you have to want to do this - part of that is being very aware of why you drink and then deconstructing your own arguments to yourself. A good way to do this is to share with others here on MWO. And you are doing this. So thats a fantastic start.

                        I will try to be back later on- I have work now - and do PM me for advice/info/support.
                        Hugs

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Any friends still here?

                          Kia ora Noodle
                          welcome back:welcome:
                          First off, I am not from Australia - like Rusty said - as we know a big difference:H

                          I have been sober since Oct 2012 after decades of heavy drinking and some stop/starts. I also have had serious health scares. I know the NZ recovery scene relatively well - and also how easy it is to drink copious amounts of cheap wine here. My gut feeling is you have to want to quit - and really have an all out war on AL and instigate (a) Plan Quit (b) Plan Recovery. The self development and awareness may come with this but first your Quit has to be the No1. Goal. If you are drinking 2-3 bottles of wine (which in NZ is high in ALC content) thats very very serious and damaging - to your mental and physical health, as well as having an impact on those around you. As you must know ALC impacts much more quickly on us women than men - and the long-term damage hits us earlier than men.
                          Have you seen this doco- oneof the few on women and AL in NZ :
                          A Drinking Problem | Greenstone TV

                          It has dated info and I don't agree with some points in it (eg what defines an alcoholic) and it may not relate to you. Thats a problem we alkies have - we think we are 'special drinkers'.

                          There is support here in various forms and actually many GPs in NZ are reasonably clued up on providing support. In-patient rehab is not so easy here unless you are really sick.
                          But you have to want to do this - part of that is being very aware of why you drink and then deconstructing your own arguments to yourself. A good way to do this is to share with others here on MWO. And you are doing this. So thats a fantastic start.

                          I will try to be back later on- I have work now - and do PM me for advice/info/support.
                          Hugs

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Any friends still here?

                            :l Noodle -
                            I hate to hear the sadness in your posts :upset: I know it seems overwhelming and maybe at times you really think you don't "care" what happens, but if that were REALLY true you wouldn't be here! And WE care what happens to you. Please know that you deserve to live a happy, healthy life...you DO deserve it! Alcohol is robbing you of that. It's time to take a stand and get your life back. I agree with Lav, watch Rain in My Heart...

                            Stay strong friend and stay close to us!
                            :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                            Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Any friends still here?

                              Morning Noodle,
                              How are you doing this week? Let us know how you are.
                              There is hope - even when we are very depressed or engulfed in the cycle of AL.

                              Things are slowly returning to 'normal' here in NZ after Christmas/New Year but we now have this awful weather in most parts of the country when it should be sunny!

                              Have you given any thoughts as to how you might plan throwing AL out of your life in 2014?
                              Just small steps - but try to make a start. Posting here is part of that.

                              Comment

                              Previous 1 2 3 template Next
                              Working...
                              X