Devastated and terrified

[Darkest Diamond]

I am sobbing and terrified, I don't think I ever will be able to forgive myself.
I am itching all over, I have itched for about 2 weeks now. In the last two months I have lost about half a stone in weight (this is the opposite of what I need to do) my hair is getting thinner each day, I am exhausted, not sleeping....... these are all symptoms of cirrhosis. I will never be able to forgive myself for this.

I get my blood results tomorrow, I am terrified. The odd thing is that when I had liver function blood tests in May nothing showed up, but I have learnt that the liver can function in the early stages of cirhosis so it would not show up in a blood test.

In the end this will get to my brain as well, I dread that, I wish with all my heart I had never drunk alcohol, I feel gutted I have shortened my own life, I hate to think that I have played a part in ending my life.

I really want to live so much I always eat well, healthy food three times a day, even when drinking I eat well but not so much, if I drank in the eve (which I did nearly every night ) I would not always bother eating much then. I take vitamins all the time I am sober but did not when I drank.

I should be working now, preparing for my first day back on Tues, but I just can't as I am so scared of dying even more scared of living a painful, difficult life (especially as I feel I've only been living somewhat joyously for the last nine days!)

The amounts I was drinking makes me easily qualify for cirrhosis (and sadly my over three years sober time was over 10 years ago (I broke it in 2002) so all the healthiness that went on then could have been destroyed.

I have felt all of these symptoms for a while now but have been trying to push them to the back of my mind hoping that the more days sober I got the more they would disappear but they are getting worse.


I don't feel I can ever forgive myself.

DD

[JackieClaire]

Devastated and terrified

Now then deep breathes and STOP panicking....you'll know more when you see your GP.

At the moment you are doing everything right.......planning a life without alcohol......do not lead this to having ' I may as well drink.......I'm going to die any way' thoughts.

The liver is a very forgiving organ and even in the worst case scenario and it is cirrhosis you can live a long and healthy life .........but you can never, I mean never drink again.

Now stop googling, work with your doctor and enjoy your sobriety....OK.

[Tavistock]

Devastated and terrified

oh (((DD))) please don't freak out yet! I don't know how many times I've thought the worst before getting results.

I believed I had AIDs when it was a boil on my arse, I thought I had cancer when I was losing weight without even trying.

Even though the symptoms may be the same, it could be something totally different.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything works out. :h

[DancingGirl]

Devastated and terrified

Dearest,

Stay here and do not google liver stuff on the web. We give ourselves great psychological stress when we self-diagnose. I won't even look at your symptoms but I can tell you that everytime my husband has blood tests or a stress test or even a doctor's appointment, he tortures himself with "what ifs." These are anxiety-driven as much as anything.

Do you have a meditation CD? Put it on and concentrate on putting these thoughts out of your mind. If you don't have a CD, try YouTube - there are lots of guided meditations and meditations for beginners. It's not something that you can do too much of, so try, then go back to your prep and when the thoughts creep back, do it again (or try another one).

Hang in, Love yourself, and let us know how you are doing.

:l

[Tavistock]

Devastated and terrified

one more story:

My ex had a good friend in high school that got cirrhosis and the doctors told him he was going to die. He had a stomach that looked about 7 months pregnant and they actually read him his last rites.

Today he is a healthy 52 yo that ironically works as a bartender, but he has never taken even a sip of alcohol since.

the human body is an amazing! please don't lose hope.

[DancingGirl]

Devastated and terrified

Tavistock;1608380 wrote: one more story:

My ex had a good friend in high school that got cirrhosis and the doctors told him he was going to die. He had a stomach that looked about 7 months pregnant and they actually read him his last rites.

Today he is a healthy 52 yo that ironically works as a bartender, but he has never taken even a sip of alcohol since.

the human body is an amazing! please don't lose hope.

This is so true!! We were designed to survive, physically and psychologically. You are stronger than you think!

[Softy]

Devastated and terrified

You may remember

Before Christmas I had a full medical and I was terrified too

Doctor told me all results were satisfactory

I hope it goes the same way for you

Now I have had the period of panic it has motivated me more to live well

You cannot wind the clock back and re-live the beginning but you can make changes so that there is a happy ending

Keep on keeping on:h

[noodle]

Devastated and terrified

DD,
We have both been battling this nightmare for so long. I hope with all my heart that you find a way out, and live the life you so want. As Tavistock mentioned, the human body (and especially the liver) does have a great chance at being able to recover itself, if we can find the will to heal ourselves. That seems to be the hardest part.
Sending you much love and hope that you truely find some peace and strength to battle the greatest of wars,
Noodle xx

[DipGal]

Devastated and terrified

Oh DD, you have received some wonderful advice.. and I as a newbie can't add to it. I do want to add my support and love and healing thoughts.. and a big ((hug)). Just stay strong and sober and you can heal, no matter what the blood tests say!

[Darkest Diamond]

Devastated and terrified

Thank you all so much

Still feel that I must have cirrhosis (early stage) because of my symptoms, they are all
cirrhosis symptoms.

In a way I do not want these blood test results, even if they come back ok I could still have cirrhosis as the liver still functions with it in early stages so the blood test readings come back ok.

I know that the body will fight to heal itself but this aspect of liver disease never usually gets better.

Whatever happens I will not drink

[Pavati]

Devastated and terrified

DD-

It is SO true that Googling symptoms does not help. I just looked up the symptoms you are talking about - fatigue (just going 8 days without alcohol, winter, holidays), itching? (winter, dry weather, my skin itches), loss of appetite (quitting al), there is a reason for all of it.

I agree with Dancing Girl - can you find a meditation to do, go out for a walk/exercise, see a movie? Anything to get your mind off of this?

Even if the very worst were true (which I don't believe it is), going to a doctor is the best thing you can do.

Hope you feel better!

[Jazi's Mum]

Devastated and terrified

Hi Darkest Diamond. It sounds to me like thyroid problems! I had all those symptoms and my blood tests showed my thyroid numbers were way up. After a few weeks on supplemental thyroid meds my hair started growing back, my weight stabilized, I could sleep etc.

Many things have similar symptoms. Don't panic before hand. And the liver can regenerate itself, or at least function well even with partial damage.
JMum

[Darkest Diamond]

Devastated and terrified

Pavati and others who have said not to google I know you are right googling does not help!By the way I am nearing the end of day 9 (not day 8) !! I am very proud of my days!

[Kradle123]

Devastated and terrified

DD, I second and third everyone's loving advice here and want to add a dimension- Stress....Stress does more to upset our balance than can be imagined. I realize this May be a far out comparison but Sedona (my 11 year old) is so sensitive to smells, tastes, noises, even simply people talking can stress her out. She itches terribly, gets headaches, horrible nosebleeds....
Yesterday we went to get her some skis from a gentleman selling used skis....we also got her twin sister a pair and unfortunately the cool flame skis didn't fit Sedona's boots and she got very obnoxious and ungrateful to me. I explained to her that I was pretty unhappy about her behavior after spending time and money to make sure she had what she needed. Well she got extremely upset, crying and crying and then she kept saying she was sorry and that she didn't mean to be rude...it was heartbreaking because she really is a very sweet kid who mostly appreciates what we can give her but she just got locked on to these skis so...anyway.. Another stress symptom for poor Sedona is Nosebleeds and OMG she started a big one just as we Ieft Tacoma to head home about 25 minutes away...she just bled and bled the entire way. An entire roll of paper towels!
I swear it looked like someone had been murdered in the car!! :egad: it stopped just as we got home and she ended up fine, having a quiet night...
I hear alot stress in your post which I'm not minimizing and definitely understand! but please take this into consideration as you're waiting. Maybe focus on warm baths, hot tea, a massage? Warm washcloths...anything to bring that stress level down....oh and I just thought, we give Sedona a Claritin when the itchiness gets unbearable for her. The antihistamine gets her a bit drowsy and she's fine within a half hour or so.

I hope some of this helps DD. I know that what you're going through is no where in the neighborhood of Sedona's problems but stress is stress, sweetie :l

Huge hugs to you. Stay close :l:h

[Darkest Diamond]

Devastated and terrified

Just read more carefully through all replies from beginning to end, I do feel some hope, trying to keep it contained in case I have to deal with the worst. A really big thank you, I do get how the body loves to heal itself, I have seen this so many times in my own life. I also know that sometimes the liver regenerates itself. Interesting to read about thyroid, perhaps it is that. Encouraging to read about the guy who did have full blown cirhossis still working, ironically in a bar!

If elevated levels are shown in relation to the liver, how can the doctor tell if it is fatty liver or early stage cirhossis?