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**sweetpea29** · February 2, 2014, 08:33 AM

Just tired of it...

Hi Bri and welcome back :l

Sorry you are still struggling but you have done the right thing in coming back here and venting. Like you, I spent much of my twenties trying and failing to get a grip on this addiction. Now in my thirties and have over a year AF- thanks mainly to this place

Stick around, read, post, read some more- don't ever give up!

Best wishes xx

**MossRose** · February 2, 2014, 08:37 AM

Just tired of it...

Bri - vent away! That's what we are here for. And you have my empathy, not sympathy - because I have been there. We all have. So you can count on us to be here for you. Although, I am glad you are reaching out for support IRL too. That is so important. I didn't do that at first - wanted to keep my alcoholism a secret - just in case...

Big mistake. So now I lean hard on my counselor, have told a few trusted friends, and spend a lot of time on MWO.

I wish with my whole heart that I had been as smart as you and kicked AL out of my life decades ago. I can't ever get that time back. But you can avoid making the same mistake. You sound determined. You can do this!

When I leave MWO even for short breaks, it always ends up badly. So please stick close and post often. xx

**mama bear** · February 2, 2014, 08:41 AM

Just tired of it...

my love and support Bri.
We are here for you

**Samstone** · February 2, 2014, 09:12 AM

Just tired of it...

Bri
at least you here and knowing something ain't right. You're working on it and that's the most important thing. You'll get there!!

**paulywogg** · February 2, 2014, 09:45 AM

Just tired of it...

Hi Bri! ive missed you

dont go dissapearing again girlie,you can do this,its a struggle,trust me i know but it sounds like you have a good plan,stick around

**Nelz** · February 2, 2014, 06:02 PM

Just tired of it...

Hey Bri, good to see you back at it. No need to beat yourself up about not stopping yet, we have all had our fair share of start overs.

I will add one thing...not sure if it gets mentioned around here enough, but IMO it will only happen when you really want it.....want it like you want your next breath of life. I thought I was "ready" a whole boatload of times, but I wasnt really ready.

I do wish you all the strength, wisdom, and support to win this battle, and it will indeed happen when you want it.......now go get it!!

**Turnagain** · February 2, 2014, 06:53 PM

Just tired of it...

Bri....give yourself a big green check mark and some credit for your courage in coming back and acknowledging that alcohol is indeed a big problem and that you need help. Addiction is horrendous. It compels us to do things that are seemingly against our "will."

Addiction actually changes the way our brain works. If I can be even more blunt - and accurate - alcohol damages the way our brain works and eventually....doesn't work. And here's the crucial fact about that....ANY amount of alcohol changes our brain processes. It alters dopamine, serotonin, and GABA - the neurotransmitters that are responsible for how we 'feel' and function. That's ANY amount of alcohol. Of course, those facts are not readily apparent to most of us who have been culturally and systematically conditioned to view ingesting the DRUG alcohol as normal and acceptable and even desirable.

Bri, when I finally accepted the FACT that alcohol - ANY amount of alcohol is ALWAYS damaging - and that EVERY drink damaged my entire system even more, EVERY time, I was able to make a firm and final decision that I was no longer going to allow that drug in my body. Before I accepted that ABSOLUTE, I always had some idea in the back or even front of my mind that maybe I just had a 'bad habit' that could be brought under control or maybe I could drink again once I lowered my tolerance by cutting back.

Now, that acceptance didn't make the process of detox any easier to deal with. It's a tough and uncomfortable time as our system comes back into balance. And it takes time to heal. And it takes work. It is natural to feel cravings for awhile. Your body has had years of cues and conditioning, afterall. BUT, as we give the front part of our brain the support it needs to recover its rightful place in driving our decisions and actions, we re-wire our neural pathways and in time, cravings cease and normal living - free of addiction - becomes second-nature.

I have never been happier or healthier in my life. I'm not special. This way of being is available to anyone who decides to keep the drug alcohol out of their body and puts in the time to actively heal. Healing, of course, is much more than the absence of alcohol....it means exercising and helping your dopamine receptors rebuild to respond to the natural and necessary stimulus that physical work creates. It means eliminating sugar and processed foods and fueling your body with whole, healthy foods. It means taking control of your thinking processes. Practicing daily gratitude and learning how to meditate will quickly change your brain for the better and will give you the kind of buzz that no drug can even come close to producing.

So...there is hope. And you're in the right place to make this the LAST time you ever have to deal with a Day One. It's a decision. One epic, amazing, liberating and life-changing decision. Go for it!

**Byrdlady** · February 2, 2014, 07:23 PM

Just tired of it...

LIKE! Great post, Turn!

**NoSugar** · February 2, 2014, 07:47 PM

Just tired of it...

Hi, Turn

I just quoted your post in another thread. I agree with everything you so clearly said. Thank you, NS

**kuya** · February 2, 2014, 08:28 PM

Just tired of it...

Welcome back briseus......you CAN stop the madness......stay close this time.

Brilliant post Turn!

**daisy45** · February 2, 2014, 09:21 PM

Just tired of it...

Welcome back Bri; i am back also after a long time away. And I can't tell you how glad I am to be here. There is a great vibe on MWO right now and a lot of success and support, and I intend to be part of it. We are in this together!

**TheSunFlower** · February 2, 2014, 09:48 PM

Just tired of it...

Bri...I hope you stick around and kick this. I don't think there is a person here who doesn't envy the idea of getting sober at 28. I know several that got sober younger than you and have not regretted it. True healing takes time. My advice is to replace al with healthy things as much as possible. But I do know in the beginning having some chocolate helped. Not 5 pounds...just a Hershey Kiss or two.

I see so many come on here....they are going to quit drinking, smoking, start working out, start juicing, read War and Peace........and quickly fall because they took on too much too soon.

Take your time, go easy, give yourself lots of self care. For the first two weeks I ate pretzels for dinner and watched the stupidest TV shows I could find. My only regret is that I did not do it for a bit longer

**K9Lover** · February 3, 2014, 01:31 PM

Just tired of it...

I often think about you Bri! :l
Keep posting and venting...do whatever you need to do. Just don't disappear!! We will do our best to help you. Don't leave a place where you have many people that truly care about you! :h
K9

**briseus** · February 4, 2014, 07:43 AM

Just tired of it...

Thank you everyone for the kind words and the welcome back. I will definitely stick around here as much as possible - and again - this time actually go to the newbies nest and read everything! Read through everyone's success stories and posts. Learn as much as possible again.

Nelz - you are definitely right...you need to really want it...but is it possible to really want it but then keep going back to it because that voice is so strong? I guess I also don't have any support...but realize that by coming here I *can* get that support.
I am fine all day...it's just when I get home - and I am always in that routine...always picking up...not knowing what to do other then drink...that's what is hard. But I know...I must do what I always did. Fill that time up.

Turnagain - your post sounds so optimistic and that is where I want to be. I don't want to be addicted and need that high. I don't want the booze. I want to be one of those people that eat healthily, go to the gym, take care of my body - am knowledgeable about what I put into it...and alcohol isn't one of them! At least, it can't be.
I am aware of how alcohol can screw around with the way your brain actually works - and that is a scary thought in itself! I guess I have been abusing it for so long...you're right. I do need to give myself some credit.

SunFlower - I think that is another important thing I need to remember...not to take on too much too fast and put too much pressure on myself. I did that in the past as well...and it just became overwhelming.

So many familiar 'faces' - thanks for not forgetting about little ol' me!!

I did have ONE glass of wine last night...which is a big thing for me...because I usually drink a bottle - litre and a half.
I also began going to CBT therapty - but did schedule an appointment (soonest is in March) to see an addictions counselor again.
I will stay close this time as well as re-read all my books on the subject. I need to get my head on straight...because when drinking - it isn't on right at all!
I am tired of feeling this way...and despite having a drink yesterday - it being one - I am feeling better today that I didn't go ballistic...don't have a hangover...so imagine how I will feel tomorrow after not having anything tonight. I just need to get a handle on the self-talk.

Thanks everyone so so much again.
I'll be around.

-Bri.

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