Why we never change (long)

[Londoner]

I do a lot of non-fiction reading, around change and psychology. The more and more reading I do the more and more things start interlinking.

A recent book had some very interesting content that really helped me to understand change and the reason so many of us go through periods of not drinking only to relapse hard.

It basically says that change is created by conflict tension. You want to do one thing and to also another thing that goes against each other. You want to stop drinking, but some underlying issue leads to drinking.

Imagine you are standing in the middle of a room with two strong elastic bands around your waist. One band is attached to one end of the room in front of you and the other band is attached to the wall behind you. Both bands have equal tension.

Now, imagine the wall in front of you has the goal of not drinking on it. The wall behind you has drinking on it. You want to stop drinking so you start walking towards the wall in front of you. As you walk forward the band behind you gets tighter and tighter.

As you walk forward, the thought of drinking grows and grows until the tension in the band behind you overcomes your strength (willpower) and starts pulling you back to the wall behind you. The underlying issues as to why you drink are still there. You relapse.

However, as you go back to drinking and being closer to the back wall, the band attached to the front wall starts to increase in tension again. You now have feelings that you want to stop drinking. The conflict grows. Eventually the tension in the front band will start moving you back towards the front wall and you stop drinking again.

And so you live in this oscillating pattern of not drinking and drinking. In the long term, you have not gone anywhere, but you don't really notice this.

The conflict remains. You really want to stop drinking. But AL is being used to medicate something. And as long as conflict remains you will take this path of high tension to low tension, to high tension and so on.

I haven't read the solution part yet. But this analogy really makes sense to me and describes my futile attempt to change perfectly.

What do you think?

[paulywogg]

Why we never change (long)

Awesome analogy,but what IS the solution?

[Byrdlady]

Why we never change (long)

You painted a really wonderful word picture, there Londoner! I agree with it completely.... to a point.
There was a constant battle in my head for the first many weeks....after I hit 100 days things calmed down considerably. I hit another rough patch between 6 and 9 months and adopted the 'fake it til you make it' stance. It worked. After a year, I felt very little pull...just occasionally. After 2 years, a zinger every now and then...now at 3 years, I have no remorse for not drinking. I do NOT want to drink, in fact I HATE AL for what it has done to me and my friends here. The pull is drinking is GONE, thank god!! It's like once you get out of a bad relationship, you long for that person again, until you truly move on and then you thank your lucky stars you didn't end up with them. That pull DOES let go! If it stayed so hard, nobody could do it, especially not me....I'm nobody special. Getting that distance between you and AL is the key. Give time, time....and it will work for you. Relapse does NOT have to be part of your history! It is not inevitable...just as I plan to never drink gasoline, I plan to never drink AL again...and I am fine with that.
Great analogy...that is very interesting and well stated. Byrdie

[treetops]

Why we never change (long)

I agree with Brydie here. I think people do change in their relationship with AL and the longer you quit the less the pull is. It's different maybe for different people but I honestly have no desire to drink after c 16 months AF.
It's not a struggle for me anymore.
I examined underlying causes, tensions, etc for years and always had a reason to drink or not quit entirely.
The solution was to completely stop no matter what. Not easy at first and I know we have different reactions to withdrawal but I only found relief once I turned my back on AL. And this was without AA.

[kuya]

Why we never change (long)

What you describe is why most swap one addiction for another.

The reason why we feel we must escape our emotions is what must be addressed to be truly free of addictive behaviours.

THAT is what I am investigating at the moment. Sober.

[poppy62]

Why we never change (long)

Hi Londonder nice to see you doing so well and posting a very interesting post. Must admit I am a bit of a
psychology sceptic and found this post very thought provoking and ties in with what i had been thinking this very wet and rainy morning. For me most of the tension and desire from wanting a drink came from the desire to block out how bad I felt about myself, and today I realsied that most of those feeling about myself were a consequence of things I had said or done when I was drinking or even the fact that I drank when I knew it was so destructive in my life made me feel crap and hence want a drink to make those feelings go away. Now I have done 66 days af I actually like myself so the desire to drink is reduced. I actually think reading stuff like that can be a bit dangerous as if you take that theory on board at a moment of weakness if may provide the justification in our mad brains to re lapse . and rememebr Fraud the father of psychology suggested ( in the broadest sense) we all want to either want to have sex with or kill our parents !!! . I also agree with the others the longer you dont drink the easrier it gets and the internal voice of conflict deminishes.

[badger]

Why we never change (long)

poppy62;1623088 wrote: Fraud the father of psychology

typo of the day

[poppy62]

Why we never change (long)

Ha ha badger my tying is terrible and spelling not much better !!

[nellie78]

Why we never change (long)

yep interesting, buuuuut I've just thought of another metaphorical way of looking at it inspired by (Buzz Light Year!)
Reach For the Stars:
All of us on this forum are wanna-be space explorers, some are further on in their journeys than others. Except we are stuck on a planet that we really don't like the feel of which has an invisible force-field or gravity keeping us stuck to it called alcohol. We all want to leave and fantasise about the joys and feelings of freedom and weightlessness out there in the vastness and potential of space. It's scary, it takes a lot of hard work, 'training', rocket fuel and faith in ourselves to leave the atmosphere and find the energy to puch through the hold that 'gravity' has on us. The further we get to the edge of our atmosphere is perhaps where we all have a wobble and say to ourselves "nope too scary, too hot, too unfamiliar, too far away from what I've always known (even if it was **it!)."...but you know what happens just as we hit that point of 'no return', when that metaphorical elastic band is pulling on us hardest? We cause it to snap and that last but most intense period of suffering and doubt has been travelled through and we are 'in space'. We are now free and far enough away from our 'old world' to look at it objectively - to look down on alcohol as a tiny insignificant part of our old world.....and from this height, this distance that we have worked hard to put in between us and 'it', we can now say - I RULE, not you. I am free, I am scared but now I hold the cards because I have broken free of the psychological hold 'gravity/al' has on me.

So in short to cut of this mindless diatribe - give it some energy, give it some power, give it all you've got especially when you feel like you are far from home and your ass is burning like hell, you'll find peace, space, freedom and your true potential.

(someone pass me the bucket - don't know where on earth that came from!!!!)

[nellie78]

Why we never change (long)

:h:h:h:hyep interesting, buuuuut I've just thought of another metaphorical way of looking at it inspired by (Buzz Light Year!)
Reach For the Stars:
All of us on this forum are wanna-be space explorers, some are further on in their journeys than others. Except we are stuck on a planet that we really don't like the feel of which has an invisible force-field or gravity keeping us stuck to it called alcohol. We all want to leave and fantasise about the joys and feelings of freedom and weightlessness out there in the vastness and potential of space. It's scary, it takes a lot of hard work, 'training', rocket fuel and faith in ourselves to leave the atmosphere and find the energy to puch through the hold that 'gravity' has on us. The further we get to the edge of our atmosphere is perhaps where we all have a wobble and say to ourselves "nope too scary, too hot, too unfamiliar, too far away from what I've always known (even if it was **it!)."...but you know what happens just as we hit that point of 'no return', when that metaphorical elastic band is pulling on us hardest? We cause it to snap and that last but most intense period of suffering and doubt has been travelled through and we are 'in space'. We are now free and far enough away from our 'old world' to look at it objectively - to look down on alcohol as a tiny insignificant part of our old world.....and from this height, this distance that we have worked hard to put in between us and 'it', we can now say - I RULE, not you. I am free, I am scared but now I hold the cards because I have broken free of the psychological hold 'gravity/al' has on me.

So in short to cut of this mindless diatribe - give it some energy, give it some power, give it all you've got especially when you feel like you are far from home and your ass is burning like hell, you'll find peace, space, freedom and your true potential.

(someone pass me the bucket - don't know where on earth that came from!!!!)

[little beagle]

Why we never change (long)

Poppy laugh of the day.
Londoner That was interesting. Please keep reading and post the solution. There is one.
Otherwise none of us here would make it.
It has to be a shift in the way you view alcohol. From comfort to poison. From friend to enemy.

[badger]

Why we never change (long)

to expand on Londoner's analogy a bit ...

I think the trick is to weaken the power of the drinking pull & strengthen the power of the non-drinking pull. as we spend time away from AL we begin to see it for what it really is & the pull becomes lessened. likewise, as we begin to build a life for ourselves away from AL, the pull of that becomes strengthened

[Byrdlady]

Why we never change (long)

nellie78;1623116 wrote: yep interesting, buuuuut I've just thought of another metaphorical way of looking at it inspired by (Buzz Light Year!)
Reach For the Stars:
All of us on this forum are wanna-be space explorers, some are further on in their journeys than others. Except we are stuck on a planet that we really don't like the feel of which has an invisible force-field or gravity keeping us stuck to it called alcohol. We all want to leave and fantasise about the joys and feelings of freedom and weightlessness out there in the vastness and potential of space. It's scary, it takes a lot of hard work, 'training', rocket fuel and faith in ourselves to leave the atmosphere and find the energy to puch through the hold that 'gravity' has on us. The further we get to the edge of our atmosphere is perhaps where we all have a wobble and say to ourselves "nope too scary, too hot, too unfamiliar, too far away from what I've always known (even if it was **it!)."...but you know what happens just as we hit that point of 'no return', when that metaphorical elastic band is pulling on us hardest? We cause it to snap and that last but most intense period of suffering and doubt has been travelled through and we are 'in space'. We are now free and far enough away from our 'old world' to look at it objectively - to look down on alcohol as a tiny insignificant part of our old world.....and from this height, this distance that we have worked hard to put in between us and 'it', we can now say - I RULE, not you. I am free, I am scared but now I hold the cards because I have broken free of the psychological hold 'gravity/al' has on me.

So in short to cut of this mindless diatribe - give it some energy, give it some power, give it all you've got especially when you feel like you are far from home and your ass is burning like hell, you'll find peace, space, freedom and your true potential.

(someone pass me the bucket - don't know where on earth that came from!!!!)

Nellie, you should post this to the Tool Box. It is a wonderful analogy of the 'Pull' and then the freedom!! B