I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

[tomthyme]

Hey folks, trying to figure this thing out.

Day 4 AF for me. I have gone weeks before, then moderated, then had more than I wanted a few times in a month or so and dropped it again for a bit. Working on understanding what my AF life looks like.

Trouble is there are circumstances that make it confusing....
..so my lovely wife of 25 years wants a few things that may not align with an AF life. 1) she likes to have a few beers, or a glass of champagne or two and wants me to join her (she never over drinks), 2) enjoys the casino every now and then (never over spends) and has a few cocktails there, wants me to join her..
..plus I am blessed to have a successful sales career in high end tech. Clients and partners expect to be entertained, with great food, drink,golf, etc. (I skipped a happy hour, dinner and nba game tonite..but I will pay a relationship price for it..the guys there will likely get more business from this client than I will).
..a few times a year I have to do a week to Vegas (where I am expected to "hang out and party" to build relationships
..the list goes on

But, I look forward to that first drink after work more than I want to. In thinking about an AF life it sounds promising, peaceful, healthy and enjoyable, I am just trying to figure out how the heck it works for me...maybe this is common, maybe not.

In my home right now, there are probably 20 bottles of liquor and 100 bottles of wine. If I decided to make a drink it is only a few steps away, but I feel so much better today than 4 days ago, I don't want to go there.

My wife and I had a bit if a fight 5 nights ago when I had too many while out on business. That was when I began really trying to figure this out. She is out of town (left today) but she left me a message to say she wants a pizza and champagne weekend.

Now what??? It's not just about me, it is about us, my job, all kinds of stuff.

Don't really want to try that moderation stuff again, but if I was one of the 2% that could make it work! that would be cool???but I bet that is not me.

Ideas? Sound familiar? Anyone been here?

[Byrdlady]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Tt,
EVERYONE feels like this. Every single one of us come here in fear of the AF life. We all wonder how we could possibly live a life without our BEST freind, AL. The better question should be 'How on Earth can we continue on the AL laden path we are on?' Let me tell you, It IS possible and I am proof. One of the first things we must do is stop bullshitting ourselves into thinking that we are the special ones. We get about 3000 visitors a day here, and I imagine each and every one one of us think we are the ones who will magically be able to rewire our brains. In the 4 years I have been here, I have never seen that done. Never. Ever. And I looked. i spent a year trying it myself. I said, I will moderate or die trying...I almost succeeded, too. It nearly killed me. You have tried to moderate before....it doesnt work. You cannot moderate addiction. But, there is plenty of good news! You will see time and time again on these boards how much BETTER life is without AL! I know it sounds crazy, but being an active alkie is hard work. Being one in recovery is much simpler. No more lies or trying to act sober! No hiding your breath...no sneaking or toppong off. It is just exhausting to keep it all up.

My husband still drinks. This is MY problem, not his. He is welcome to enjoy a beer or wine, whatever, but I do not join him in that. You see, it is the PEOPLE and places that make life's moments, not what is in your glass. I am a sales rep for a fortune 25 company. I am in a male dominated field, and if I can stay sober during our meetings, I know you can. We have the perception that everybody drinks and expects us to...but in reality, if you say you are not drinking, nobody gives a toss!! It 's nuts! The thing we are so worried about turns out to be nothing! So dont let the FEAR of doing something keep you from achieving it. You have done 4 big days! I bet you didnt think you could do that! But here you are! Just rinse and repeat. Drinking is killing us, we must implement a plan to survive. Quitting drinking is the single best decision i have made in 20 years...I only wish I had done it sooner...take the easiest route from A to B. Stop and stay stopped! Dont look back, there is nothing to see! Check out the 2 links in my signature line. newbies nest is a very active thread where you will find plenty of company. The tool box is a collection of 7 years of tips and tricks to help you make it. We are so glad you found us! Welcome to LIFE!!
I believe something so strongly I also put it in my signature line....all you gotta do is get thru this day, I KNOW I can do that! Byrdie

[MossRose]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Hi Tom. I just want to say welcome. I would never presume to follow up Byrdie's advice with my own. She is an expert, I am a novice, but I will say that I concur with everything she said. Your client's probably don't give a rip if you drink. At this point, you notice, but they wouldn't. I promise. And consider yourself lucky to still be in a loving 25-year marriage. Drinking ripped mine to shreds recently. Lean on your wife. Tell her your truth and accept her support. Maybe she doesn't really understand where you are at right now. And like Byrdie said, it's not really her problem (she can moderate), we can't. I'm proud of you for being strong even though there is so much AL in your home. Stay that way, okay.

We're here for you. It sounds like you have a lot to fight for. You can do it!!

[Lavande]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Hi Tom,

Glad you posted, welcome!
I have to tell you - we will use any number of excuses to keep pouring poison down our throats. I know I did too for way too long
The fact of the matter is we just cannot moderate, we feel better when we are AF, right?

So why put off what you know you need to do?
Make a good plan for yourself, make the commitment & just get the job done - you'll never be sorry
Be honest with your wife & hopefully she will support your efforts!

Be sure to drop in the Newbies Nest for more support.
Wishing you the best!!!

Lav

[tomthyme]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Awesome thoughts from each of you. Thank you. I must say it was nice knowing that I could turn in early and have something heartwarming to read. I sincerely appreciate it.
Tom

[Myluck]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Tom, welcome. You are so correct - you said " In thinking about an AF life it sounds promising, peaceful, healthy and enjoyable, I am just trying to figure out how the heck it works for me...maybe this is common, maybe not." You are so right - it is very enjoyable. This is exactly how I felt before I quit drinking. AF life was alluring and unknown to me, but I wanted it. I was really tiered of drinking and knew it is bad for my health and mind. I work as a IT professional and my job is very stressful and demanding brain power, mistakes I can make can cost my company millions of dollars. Now, more then 100 days being AF I think this was the best thing I did in my life - quitting AL. I know I can't moderate and this is the only way for me to be. Like Byrdie said in her other posts, many people think of AF life like it is some kind of loss - loss in life joys, etc. but this is just opposite of truth - AF like gives you a lot more joys and advantages - health, sharp mind, good mood, bright mornings when you want to sing in the shower, better looks, better grip on reality. Tom, just think if you will mingle in the group of your clients at that "mandatory party" that are slightly intoxicated and you are sober and sharp as you can be (with a glass of diet coke with lime - looks just like rum and coke - trust me - nobody will notice the difference) - how many secrets and internal scoop will you learn there? LOL may be quite helpful

[TJAF]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Tom Byrdie is dead on. I have 30 years behind me and all kinds of experience with big and small companies alike and in that time my customers rarely if ever cared about what was in my glass they only cared about what I was paying for in their glass. You 'll find that the smart ones (customers and Costner's alike) rarely drink to excess in a business situations anyway. Being dead sober when folks around you have been drinking gives you an incredible edge. Sobriety has been a wonderful surprise for me. I think you'll love it too.

[treetops]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Hi Tom - all good advice here. I am a professional and in my area mixing with people who drink AL is very common. I also travel quite a bit. I have adapted all this into my AF life and I am firm in simply saying that I do not drink AL anymore if asked (most people know I used to drink). Sometimes I leave early because I get bored if drinking is the main focus - but usually its not. I am aware of a lot more going on at social events than just the drinking.

I suggest that you tell you wife that you can't have champagne and pizza weekends - or similar - anymore. Explain why, tell her how serious it is.

Many of us have to make all kinds of other adjustments as we get older too. Some have to give up sweet things, fatty food, even their 'ethnic' food they love - all because of serious health issues. You soon find new things to replace this with. I enjoy a wide variety of food a lot more now without the indigestion caused by drinking AL.
But the hardest part will be as you say, giving up your fix at the end of the day. You can do this and we are here to help you!

[Bella]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Wow tom u have some amazing advice here. I agree with all that has been said. You have to decide yourself if you are 100% serious about an Al free life. If u have any doubts...its tricky. Ask yourself the question...do i want this al free life? ....i know i do. Once you have made a decision..go for it. I wish u luck and keep posting ... bella xx

[kuya]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Tom, welcome.

Great advice already. I am still the life and soul of any party I attend. I find socialising with people drinking very easy( although THEY get boring sometimes)......the main difference is I can drive home safely and have no hangover.

Nobody cares what you do or do not drink.....unless you do! If your wife NEEDS you to drink with her then that is her problem, not yours. I am sure if you explain she will be fine with it and it may help her be healthier also.

Drinking alcohol is not normal, just common.

[Samstone]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Tom
welcome, can't add anything to what's been said, other than the relief of not having remorse, guilt , and shame is a wonderful thing.

Kuya, rally like your statement "Drinking alcohol is not normal, just common."

[tomthyme]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Wow folks...what a wonderful series of uplifting thoughts. Thank you. Starting day 5 feeling a little like Rocky (when he was starting out). Had a great workout this am. I have been working out seriously for almost four years now. I have a personal trainer and workout 4-5 days a week. I typically burn 800-1000 calories in a workout. It is amazing how fast my weight is dropping without the extra al calories. Plus I feel way better. I'm still nervous, but a bit excited. It will be a journey for sure.

Was trying to figure out what to do with all the extra time..I dunno, gardening, welding, cooking, volunteering...who knows...but I don't want to just sit around.

Over the last several months I have noticed that other folks seem to sleep less, get more done on the weekends, etc. hhhmmmm, I guess there is a correlation...haha....

[Byrdlady]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

:H
Imagine what you can get done with 4-5 extra hours in your day!
I was at a company convention in Las Vegas and after our session, while everyone else went down to the bar, I set out on a mission to find some most excellent cookies! I did, too and I bought a big box of them....went back to my room, got a great night's sleep and in the morning, when everyone had big heads due to AL and staying up until all hours, I brought out my cookies! 'WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GO GET THESE?' they asked in utter amazement??? I didn't waste 5 hours down at the bar last night. I didn't say that, but that was the size of it.
I am so glad you are feeling great! Day 5 was a good day for me....hang in there and on Day 7, our Prize Patrol will give you an award! (a MOON!) So proud of you! Byrdie

[lead366]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Well....looks like you and I have the same issues...wheening off zeeeee tit so to speak. Ive just had my 6th relapse in the last nine months. Not fun. Went two weeks here---five weeks there...two weeks...nine weeks......yikesters!....This is no funny business whatsoever. I keep making the same errors over and over again. Looking back and afraid of the future. These folks here have all given you great advice. I would agree with those who simply state to live one day at a time only.....absolutely only focus on today......and today?.....you are a winner! Congrats!

[tomthyme]

I know it is possible - just gotta figure it out (long post)

Byrd....I can imagine! Everything from like 5pm to 9pm is mine again! Woohoo! Plus, I might not need a nap on Saturdays!

Lead...we are here together my friend. You can do it!

Bought myself a small chocolate cake today! The sugar really helped with the cravings. Made some awesome fresh lemonade, then I made a steak and grilled some corn. I talked to some friends on the phone...pretty fun when you are not drunk...and was even able to fish one of the corn holder things out of the drain without wobbling or cutting my hand off! A big nite indeed!

Looking forward to a great day tomorrow.
Tom