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    In need of guidance

    Hello, all.

    This is my first time posting here and anywhere really. I found this site by googling "I think my boyfriend is secretly drinking" and here I am! I am in need of some advice. Please, anything at all is appreciated.. Even just a listening ear.

    A little back story..

    I am an alcoholic. I started drinking in my early teens. Before I became sober, at my worst, I was drinking all day, everyday. This included at work. I was in a very bad way. I had become sober once before for about 2 years. Unfortunately it didn't stick and I began drinking again. I drank heavily every day for a couple more years until I became sober again. I will have 4 years soon. I am thankful for everyday that I am sober.

    When I was 21 and well into my drinking years, I met my boyfriend who I am with today.. 8 1/2 years later. When he and I met we were both drinking. Within 2 weeks I decided that I wanted to become sober after our first booze fueled fight. I actually did it, as did he. A couple years later I found out that he had been secretly using heroin. I used this as an excuse to start drinking again. The next couple of years were a blur. He eventually went into treatment and got clean. I was still drinking. He begged me to stop. I kept promising I would. I finally kept my promise although it took many months. We have both been clean and sober for almost 4 years after this mess. Or so I thought..

    So fast forward.. I thought I recognized some drinking signs with him many months ago. I did not want to accuse him so I let it go but didn't forget. Sure enough, I find empty beer cans in our apartment. He tried to explain it away.. Of course they weren't his, he said. I didn't believe his lies. I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me. I was okay with his drinking, as long as it didn't get out of hand. After all, I am the alcoholic, not so much him. What I could not tolerate was the lying. He had put me through so much during his drug use and I could not deal with anymore lies and sneaking around. He continues to deny. So I purchased some at home alcohol screeners from the dollar store, fully knowing they would 99% not work. I got them more as a tool. I took one out on a suspicious night and told him to put it in his mouth. He broke them and threw them away. That was a clear sign to me. Months go by, I smell and sense alcohol.. He denies. I'm beyond frustrated but he is a master liar and I'm feeling stuck.

    Fast forward a few months.. I find a plastic bag. I pick it up, he attempts to stop me. He grabs it from me and I clearly see and hear beer cans. It turns into a big fight. I had finally busted him. This man still tries to deny it but I have had enough. I tell him not to speak to me until he's ready to speak truths. He finally comes around the next day and admits to "drinking a few times in the past year" but he "had to hide it from me because of my past with alcohol". I say fine by me. I just wanted the truth. I was angry but relieved. I asked him just to please tell me when he drinks. No more secrets, no more lies.

    Months go by, not a word from him. I have many unsubstantiated hunches but I try to leave it alone.

    So, here we are present day. Myself in the living room, him in our bedroom after a big fight over nothing. The kind of fight I would have started in my drinking days. He has had many angry nights, attitude shifts and I smell alcohol on him almost every night. My latest threat has been to buy a breathalyzer and to make him use it at my say so. I know it sounds a little crazy and I feel like I'm treating him like a child but I am out of options. Although the idea of him drinking is very troubling, its the lies that I just can not take for another day. He has lied to me so many times and hid so much that I just don't know what to believe. When I say hid, I mean blowing through over $200,000 cash, selling our car, maxing out all of his credit cards, not paying bills or rent; forcing us to move out of our house, put us in complete financial ruin.. All for drugs and all unknown to me. Hard to imagine that all this can take place unbeknownst to me but it did. This man can lie with the best of them.

    I apologize for writing such a novel.. Especially for my first post here. I hope this isn't frowned upon. I am just in desperate need of any kind of help or advice. I love this man deeply and although I have threatened to leave him if this doesn't end, I don't think I can. I appreciate so much being able to come here and tell my story. I don't talk to anyone else about this. It is my secret burden. I would like to thank everyone just for reading.

    Also, I hope this doesn't come off as such a minor issue. I guess its hard to really fully understand the severity of it all. Thank you and any input would be deeply appreciated.

    #2
    In need of guidance

    Hi I'm new here as well. I can relate to the financial ruin that drug/alcohol abuse can cause. I've personally gone thousands of dollars in debt, had my car repo'd, sold many of my belongings to pay for booze. Nothing anyone ever told me could change me, no matter how much I agreed with them. There just came a point when I'd had enough and realized that I needed to turn my life around. Your boyfriend has to reach that point and he has to find it himself. Hopefully through your love and support he'll find it soon. Just remember that we can't make other people change; only they can.

    Comment


      #3
      In need of guidance

      Hi Loving:

      Wow, thank yo ufor sharing your story. YOu are well aquanted with this crappy addiction. :l

      I don't much to offer except to say Welcome:welcome: and if your 'boyfriend' has indeed stolen all this cash and valuables then it's time for him to go...but I htink you knwo that.

      Are you still not drinking? I think you said you were 4 years which is SO wonderful. :goodjob:

      Please stay close- you need support now and this is a great place for it. Heading to bed now. Will check in tomorrow!
      :l
      On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
      *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

      Comment


        #4
        In need of guidance

        Hi loving,I could be the one telling your story, the only difference it is my husband and never did heroin - just drinking. I quit drinking after my husband had pancreatitis caused by AL abuse and was in the hospital. He was told by doctors to stop drinking or he will have serious health issues. He did ok for about a month- and then I stated smelling AL on him, but he would deny it. I seriously considered getting breathalyzer as I felt so stupid when I can smell AL and he tells me he didn't drink it. This is really frustrating and I know how it feels. I insisted for my husband to quit and he said that I have " control " issues. The thing is alcoholics always find reasons in other people before they look at themselves.
        AF since 10/20/2013
        Smoke free since 09/24/2007
        Meat free since 09/20/2008
        ---------------------------------------
        With will one can do anything - Samuel Smiles

        Comment


          #5
          In need of guidance

          Hi loving. My advice to u is....if u love him so much..just be there for him..encourage him to feel safe enough for him to be honest with you without you getting angry with him. Its a bummer but only he can change his life but you must know that already. Could you suggest that he comes here to talk? Us alkies are such secret people. Keep posting as you will get lots of support here. All the best to you. Bella xxxx

          Comment


            #6
            In need of guidance

            Hi Loving,
            First, congratulations on your 4 years. That is wonderful. This is a really hard situation you're currently in. You said you're the one with the Al problem, but I think his addiction issues need the same attention as any addict or alcoholic. He needs to be honest with himself first. And like someone said, that has to come from the person, although we can encourage them, we can't fix their problem. If he's not using heroin anymore, do you think that alcohol is his new substance of choice? That happens with addicts. I know, as that happened to me. I gave up one for the other. All of the lies and money issues really has caused so many problems for both of you. Can you give him an ultimatum? Go back to rehab or you leave? You deserve a life free of lies and financial ruin. Could you work on your recovery together? AA together? Counseling? All I can say is that you deserve a better life, and even though you love him, until he gets help, you may not get that life. I hope things work out for you.
            Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

            Comment


              #7
              In need of guidance

              Wow.. Thank you all so much for your supportive words and advice. I can see why this is a great place to come in ones time of need. You all spoke many words of wisdom and I really appreciate it.

              J-vo, what you said really struck home with me... I will not have the life that I desire unti this situation is resolved. I love the idea of seeking treatment together through AA. I am currently in therapy but I tend to neglect this issue. I almost feel guilty about talking about it with my psychologist. I insisted my boyfriend join me in a session, in which, during a heated debate, I blurted out my thoughts on his drinking. It was the wrong approach but I just broke. He denied, denied, denied, called me crazy and ultimately walked out on the session. It didn't go so well. I would like to try it again but he is just so closed off. Maybe it is time for an ultimatum. I think you also hit the nail on the head with his trading one addiction for another. When he left rehab, he was "riding the pink cloud".. I believe they say. Attending every church service, preaching the word of the bible, no swearing, no yelling.. Basically a new man. That lasted for some time and then he slowly went back to his old self, minus the heroin. Looking back, I start to wonder if this is when his dinking began. I did not suspect it back then so I can't say for sure but it would make sense. That would mean that it has been going on for longer than I thought. Anyway, thank you for your kind words of encourgament and advice,

              Bella, thank you for the kind words. I agree that this would be a great place for him but, unfortunately, I dont think there is much hope in him doing it. I certainly will put it out there though. Also, you are right about not getting angry. I never used to because I know that I get nowhere with anger. I have been very on edge lately and I will remember this the next time I bring it up. Thank you.

              Myluck, I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks so much for sharing. I hope so much that your husband is in good health. I feel your pain. Outside of the obvious, I think the worst thing for me is being told that I'M the crazy one. There are times that he can make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sure you can relate to this very well. Its amazing how manipulative a secret addict can be. If you don't mind my asking, how did your story turn out? Are you still in the same situation? If you found a resolution, I would be so grateful if you shared.

              Kradle, thank you so much for your warm welcome and kind words. I am in fact still sober :-) I battled myself many times over ending the relationship after my boyfriend bled us completely dry financially. I decided that I could forgive him because I knew he wasn't thinking clearly during his addiction and he did seek treatment, although it was only after all funds to support his herion abuse ran out. Although alcohol has always been my downfall, I have abused many other drugs in my past so I felt his pain. I have completely forgiven his past actions although I am still living with the conquences of them. I just don't know if I have it in my heart to do it again.

              Tf, thanks so much for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about your past but so grateful to hear about your present. It is so uplifting to hear that you have turned your life completely around. Sometimes one must really got rock bottom before they can see how terrible their addiction really is. Best of luck to you and thank you very much for your advice.

              I'm sorry that I wrote another long winded post. I really appreciate the time and effort put in by all of you and I wanted to address you all properly. Thank you so much for being a kind, listening ear. And thank you to anybody who has read my post. Please feel free to reply. If you have a similar story you would like to share, I would be grateful to hear it.

              Comment


                #8
                In need of guidance

                Hi Loving, and welcome. My heart hurt reading your story. I can tell you are very loving and caring person. I wish I could be more encouraging, but in my experience, once the lies begin, they don't end. I am so sorry to say that. But I know it from experience. I stood by my ex during the worst of times,. And believe me, those were some bad times - full of addiction, lies, and betrayal. But somehow I thought my love could save him and us. Please take this in the spirit intended - I mean this with the utmost respect and love. You deserve better. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
                Everything is going to be amazing

                Comment


                  #9
                  In need of guidance

                  Loving, this is what happened - I agreed to go to family counseling to seek help for my "controlling" issues. The therapist we got is really smart lady and after the initial discussion, where we spoke why we there for counseling - we spoke about drinking - after learning the facts about amounts of vodka my husband was going through (big bottle with the handle in 2-3 days) and causes of his pancreatitis, she said - " so this is all about his drinking, isn't it?" - and here it was - clear as a day that my husband needs therapy for drinking issues. I met with her separately and we spoke about what I need to do to help - I need to let off his case about other things - like eating less fat and carbs (for his pancreas and sugar levels) - I agree - this is the least thing I worry about now and I don't want to overwhelm him with other things - let him concentrate on his AF strides. Also she recommended me to go see ALanon meetings in my area and check if I find them helpful - those meetings are for spouses and relatives of people who abuse AL. I went to couple meetings and I didn't find them helpful - as by nature I am a fighter, coping is not for me. They teach a lot there coping methods and also too many references to "higher powers" for me. My husband is going to AA meetings per therapist advise, he goes twice a week, seems it helps him in a way where he sees people who hit the rock bottom and it just floors him. Sometimes he says it is a bit too depressing, but overall it works for him. For me - I am AF 112 days today ( I had no drink since my husband went to the hospital in October 2013) and this forum - MWO is my biggest support network. I don't know what I would do without it.
                  AF since 10/20/2013
                  Smoke free since 09/24/2007
                  Meat free since 09/20/2008
                  ---------------------------------------
                  With will one can do anything - Samuel Smiles

                  Comment


                    #10
                    In need of guidance

                    Loving

                    I think I am just writting what you already know. Even in my worse drinking days I couldn't have blown through 200K. There is way more to the story than just booze.

                    You obviously love this man...why else would you be posting here on his behalf. I think an intervention is in line. Are you in contact with his family? If he is close to anyone in his family or even a close friend, having their support would be a big help! As you know addiction is an evil mess. If you try and confront him alone I dont doubt for a minute he'll use your past to justify his using.

                    I also think you know that there is no future if he continues as an addict. Forcing the issue sounds like the only option you have since he can't make the right choices, the rabbit has started to sprint and he's lost control.

                    It would be a tragedy if you lost your sobriety as well. I can only hope that you make the right choice for you. Doing so is also is the right choice for him. At the end of the day you may have to walk away as horrible as that might seem.

                    Good luck. I know you'll find support here so please keep posting. If not for him but for you as well.
                    Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing.

                    William Butler Yeats

                    Comment


                      #11
                      In need of guidance

                      What if this situation was not yours but your best friends or sisters? What advice would you give to them?

                      It's hard, but do you want to keep living like this? What will your life be like 5 years from now if nothing changes? Do you want children? Could you bring them into this situation and think that they will grow up healthy and happy?

                      An addict/alcoholic has to want to change for themselves. You can't force him to do this. You know that though.

                      No matter what you decide I hope you find peace.
                      AL free since March 17th 2011...loving this life. No drinking no matter what.

                      Hi my name is Lori and i am so happy to be here.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        In need of guidance

                        Loving just reaching out to see how you are doing. Hope all is well.
                        Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing.

                        William Butler Yeats

                        Comment


                          #13
                          In need of guidance

                          Me too Loving.
                          How are you doing? Please check in. :l
                          On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                          *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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