Hello, all.
This is my first time posting here and anywhere really. I found this site by googling "I think my boyfriend is secretly drinking" and here I am! I am in need of some advice. Please, anything at all is appreciated.. Even just a listening ear.
A little back story..
I am an alcoholic. I started drinking in my early teens. Before I became sober, at my worst, I was drinking all day, everyday. This included at work. I was in a very bad way. I had become sober once before for about 2 years. Unfortunately it didn't stick and I began drinking again. I drank heavily every day for a couple more years until I became sober again. I will have 4 years soon. I am thankful for everyday that I am sober.
When I was 21 and well into my drinking years, I met my boyfriend who I am with today.. 8 1/2 years later. When he and I met we were both drinking. Within 2 weeks I decided that I wanted to become sober after our first booze fueled fight. I actually did it, as did he. A couple years later I found out that he had been secretly using heroin. I used this as an excuse to start drinking again. The next couple of years were a blur. He eventually went into treatment and got clean. I was still drinking. He begged me to stop. I kept promising I would. I finally kept my promise although it took many months. We have both been clean and sober for almost 4 years after this mess. Or so I thought..
So fast forward.. I thought I recognized some drinking signs with him many months ago. I did not want to accuse him so I let it go but didn't forget. Sure enough, I find empty beer cans in our apartment. He tried to explain it away.. Of course they weren't his, he said. I didn't believe his lies. I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me. I was okay with his drinking, as long as it didn't get out of hand. After all, I am the alcoholic, not so much him. What I could not tolerate was the lying. He had put me through so much during his drug use and I could not deal with anymore lies and sneaking around. He continues to deny. So I purchased some at home alcohol screeners from the dollar store, fully knowing they would 99% not work. I got them more as a tool. I took one out on a suspicious night and told him to put it in his mouth. He broke them and threw them away. That was a clear sign to me. Months go by, I smell and sense alcohol.. He denies. I'm beyond frustrated but he is a master liar and I'm feeling stuck.
Fast forward a few months.. I find a plastic bag. I pick it up, he attempts to stop me. He grabs it from me and I clearly see and hear beer cans. It turns into a big fight. I had finally busted him. This man still tries to deny it but I have had enough. I tell him not to speak to me until he's ready to speak truths. He finally comes around the next day and admits to "drinking a few times in the past year" but he "had to hide it from me because of my past with alcohol". I say fine by me. I just wanted the truth. I was angry but relieved. I asked him just to please tell me when he drinks. No more secrets, no more lies.
Months go by, not a word from him. I have many unsubstantiated hunches but I try to leave it alone.
So, here we are present day. Myself in the living room, him in our bedroom after a big fight over nothing. The kind of fight I would have started in my drinking days. He has had many angry nights, attitude shifts and I smell alcohol on him almost every night. My latest threat has been to buy a breathalyzer and to make him use it at my say so. I know it sounds a little crazy and I feel like I'm treating him like a child but I am out of options. Although the idea of him drinking is very troubling, its the lies that I just can not take for another day. He has lied to me so many times and hid so much that I just don't know what to believe. When I say hid, I mean blowing through over $200,000 cash, selling our car, maxing out all of his credit cards, not paying bills or rent; forcing us to move out of our house, put us in complete financial ruin.. All for drugs and all unknown to me. Hard to imagine that all this can take place unbeknownst to me but it did. This man can lie with the best of them.
I apologize for writing such a novel.. Especially for my first post here. I hope this isn't frowned upon. I am just in desperate need of any kind of help or advice. I love this man deeply and although I have threatened to leave him if this doesn't end, I don't think I can. I appreciate so much being able to come here and tell my story. I don't talk to anyone else about this. It is my secret burden. I would like to thank everyone just for reading.
Also, I hope this doesn't come off as such a minor issue. I guess its hard to really fully understand the severity of it all. Thank you and any input would be deeply appreciated.
This is my first time posting here and anywhere really. I found this site by googling "I think my boyfriend is secretly drinking" and here I am! I am in need of some advice. Please, anything at all is appreciated.. Even just a listening ear.
A little back story..
I am an alcoholic. I started drinking in my early teens. Before I became sober, at my worst, I was drinking all day, everyday. This included at work. I was in a very bad way. I had become sober once before for about 2 years. Unfortunately it didn't stick and I began drinking again. I drank heavily every day for a couple more years until I became sober again. I will have 4 years soon. I am thankful for everyday that I am sober.
When I was 21 and well into my drinking years, I met my boyfriend who I am with today.. 8 1/2 years later. When he and I met we were both drinking. Within 2 weeks I decided that I wanted to become sober after our first booze fueled fight. I actually did it, as did he. A couple years later I found out that he had been secretly using heroin. I used this as an excuse to start drinking again. The next couple of years were a blur. He eventually went into treatment and got clean. I was still drinking. He begged me to stop. I kept promising I would. I finally kept my promise although it took many months. We have both been clean and sober for almost 4 years after this mess. Or so I thought..
So fast forward.. I thought I recognized some drinking signs with him many months ago. I did not want to accuse him so I let it go but didn't forget. Sure enough, I find empty beer cans in our apartment. He tried to explain it away.. Of course they weren't his, he said. I didn't believe his lies. I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me. I was okay with his drinking, as long as it didn't get out of hand. After all, I am the alcoholic, not so much him. What I could not tolerate was the lying. He had put me through so much during his drug use and I could not deal with anymore lies and sneaking around. He continues to deny. So I purchased some at home alcohol screeners from the dollar store, fully knowing they would 99% not work. I got them more as a tool. I took one out on a suspicious night and told him to put it in his mouth. He broke them and threw them away. That was a clear sign to me. Months go by, I smell and sense alcohol.. He denies. I'm beyond frustrated but he is a master liar and I'm feeling stuck.
Fast forward a few months.. I find a plastic bag. I pick it up, he attempts to stop me. He grabs it from me and I clearly see and hear beer cans. It turns into a big fight. I had finally busted him. This man still tries to deny it but I have had enough. I tell him not to speak to me until he's ready to speak truths. He finally comes around the next day and admits to "drinking a few times in the past year" but he "had to hide it from me because of my past with alcohol". I say fine by me. I just wanted the truth. I was angry but relieved. I asked him just to please tell me when he drinks. No more secrets, no more lies.
Months go by, not a word from him. I have many unsubstantiated hunches but I try to leave it alone.
So, here we are present day. Myself in the living room, him in our bedroom after a big fight over nothing. The kind of fight I would have started in my drinking days. He has had many angry nights, attitude shifts and I smell alcohol on him almost every night. My latest threat has been to buy a breathalyzer and to make him use it at my say so. I know it sounds a little crazy and I feel like I'm treating him like a child but I am out of options. Although the idea of him drinking is very troubling, its the lies that I just can not take for another day. He has lied to me so many times and hid so much that I just don't know what to believe. When I say hid, I mean blowing through over $200,000 cash, selling our car, maxing out all of his credit cards, not paying bills or rent; forcing us to move out of our house, put us in complete financial ruin.. All for drugs and all unknown to me. Hard to imagine that all this can take place unbeknownst to me but it did. This man can lie with the best of them.
I apologize for writing such a novel.. Especially for my first post here. I hope this isn't frowned upon. I am just in desperate need of any kind of help or advice. I love this man deeply and although I have threatened to leave him if this doesn't end, I don't think I can. I appreciate so much being able to come here and tell my story. I don't talk to anyone else about this. It is my secret burden. I would like to thank everyone just for reading.
Also, I hope this doesn't come off as such a minor issue. I guess its hard to really fully understand the severity of it all. Thank you and any input would be deeply appreciated.
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