Doesn't get easier...

[briseus]

So I went on three day drinking binge?which has left me sitting here riddled with anxiety?I feel like I might lose my mind. The idea of not drinking tonight fills me with fear - I don't get it. I have gone through AF days in the past?why am I so afraid this time?
I have no more wine left in the house but am contemplating going out and buying a bottle to quell this high level of anxiety. I know that is a dumb thing to do?I can't believe how this alcohol has such a power over me?
Or maybe I need to change my way of thinking?change it and tell myself that no?alcohol doesn't have power over me.
I need to stop drinking before I destroy my life. And each quit doesn't get easier.
I guess it doesn't help that I am just sitting here alone at home?instead of filling up my time and being busy.

Anyways?just wanted to come on here and vent. I can't go to the store?I won't.

[roxane]

Doesn't get easier...

Hi bri

We've not talked but I've seen you around. I get you, I'm alone too.
When you say binge, is it more than usual when you've binged before?

You know drinking wont stop the anxiety, you've already had some and it hasn't worked.

Alcohol has power only when you drink.

You said it yourself, you need a different mindset. Easy to say, difficult to do.

I have no words of wisdom, but I didn't want to read and run. :l

[Byrdlady]

Doesn't get easier...

Bri, try and take the focus off of yourself. If you think about it, you have it WAY better than many other people in a lot of respects, right? You have 2 good arms and 2 good legs, etc. I try to put myself into the service of someone or something else. Do something to help someone who CAN'T do for themselves. Can you bake some bread for a neighbor or a cake to take to someone who doesn't get out often. Can you sit and hand write a note to someone you've been meaning to reach out to. Maybe call someone who sits home for days without talking to anyone. If you have a nice dog, call a local nursing home and see if you and your pooch can visit some folks in there and bring smiles to their faces. When all the focus is on you and what you CAN'T have...it's like telling someone NOT to think of a blue horse. You can't NOT think about it!! When you can get that focus off of you and what you can do for others, it really helps... Put yourself on a task and you will get thru this day 1. But sitting around thinking about it is the worst thing you can do. If nothing else, check out the Tool Box from cover to cover. You can do this....think outside of the bottle!
Byrdie

[briseus]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey Roxane ~ thanks for your kind words. Yes, I drank a lot more then normal the last three days and during the day too…which isn't me, because I don't *need* to drink but it's there…it's as if this voice in my head goes "it's here…so drink up and then it won't be here and you won't have to worry about it anymore" and then when I do drink it all up I only feel like I want more. I hope that makes sense. But you are right, the booze will not help the anxiety but make it worse. I really do need a different mindset.

Byrdie ~ thank you. You are right. I should be taking the focus off of me and doing something more productive instead of sulking because I am capable. I need to put things into perspective. Those are all wonderful suggestions to do. Because that is what I have been doing. Sitting here, sulking that I can't have alcohol anymore…when the crazy thing is, that I don't want it! I drink and I cry while drinking because I don't want to drink! Am I nuts?! And then when I don't have it, I get frustrated and want it…but I know that I can't have it anymore. I just can't. I need to get into a different mind set…be more productive, help others.
And yes. I will be spending my entire night on the Newbie's Nest and checking out the Tool Box. Something I didn't do in the past. Maybe that's why I am still not sober..

Thank you!

[K9Lover]

Doesn't get easier...

:l Bri :l
So sorry you're going through this. I know all too well the catch-22 of drinking-not-drinking-wishing-you-could-drink-regretting-that-you-drank. WHEW...now isn't that a lot of work? I was finally able to quit when drinking became harder than NOT drinking. If you don't drink, you won't have to go through this horrible mind game, or the anxiety. And you know that drinking will only delay the anxiety, not make it go away.

Please do stick close to us tonight. I quit alone too, and it's not easy, because sometimes I'd think "who really cares?"...but you know what? I cared, and that's what finally got me sober. Do it for you. You CAN do this, and we can help.

Love,
K9

[lead366]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey Briseus:

More education and contact makes it easier...just relax..post..read and get all info you can..........the big thing is to have peace through process. Its all good!!!

[damo180]

Doesn't get easier...

Hi Bri,
Just want to lend my support.
I have been on and off booze regularly for the last few yrs.
i am back on track now and hope to stay that way. Really hope you can join us and get some sober time.
Best wishes
Damo in Dublin

[briseus]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey K9 - thank you…you know my story…I just *do* feel like a failure so think "what's the point?" a lot. I definitely will stick close here tonight. Trying to fill up my night is going to be tricky…that voice is so tenacious tonight. But yes, drinking will only delay the anxiety and it will only be worse the next day. I am just an emotional wreck today - I think that after binging for three days, it didn't help.

Lead ~ thanks so much. You're right. I will read as much as I can tonight as well as stick close to here. I already feel like I could crawl out of my skin.

Damo ~ thank you very much. I really do hope for sober time. It's so hard getting past day 1. I am glad to hear that you are on the right track - congrats.


So the night has just begun. Only 6pm here. I spoke with my boyfriend last night about considering treatment. He was very supportive and that is why today there is no drinking…if we didn't have the conversation I probably would have drank today…I need to be held accountable. I think he is getting tired of it all though too - so many times I say I am going to quit and then I don't. It's the same old song and dance with me.
I really do want this…I wish it were easy but nothing in life is easy.
I was going to wean off but that doesn't work with me either. I need to really just quit and stay away from it.

Anyways, thanks again for listening everyone. Off to the toolbox I go.

[Hypernova]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey Briseus, & yes you are right ~it is hard~ luckily it does get easier! I am am on day one also and like you I know the song and have been dancing far too long. Anxiety is tough! I have it bad and use booze to escape but find with the right mixture of supplements/AF Days/ & exercise I feel so much better than any drink could ever offer me. So I sit here dwelling on the past at the moment thinking what I would or would not have done different if I hadn't drank so much for so long. I do feel like a failure at times, think that's depression/anxiety talking. I just had 30 AF days and went on vacay w/drinking GF and yep not a good idea, back to square one. Don't think some people appreciate how much effort we put in to NOT drinking. I hope you are hanging in there and doing whatever it takes to not drink today. Tomorrow will be day 2 and we can deal with it tomorrow. I look forward to hearing of your progress.

[roxane]

Doesn't get easier...

toolbox toolbox toolbox

i had visited the toolbox before and theres an awful lot there. i read and read. but. i forgot what i read when i needed it.

this time i pot lucked pages as there is always something on every page that connected with me.
i wrote the ones that did down. others copypaste. i kept my notebook with me so i could read when i needed to. if youre reading something more than once and really think about it, it sinks in.
it is this that helps change your mind set and start moving that switch. you cant just wish the switch on, you need to help it.

or should i say, this is what i found.

[poppy62]

Doesn't get easier...

Hi Bri welcome to MWO and well done on acknowledging al is a problem to you. Your experience is very similar to mine, I drunk to calm my anxiety ( So I thought) and then the drinking made me feel so awful on numerous levels so I had even more anxiety, so I drank and so the cycle went on.

You can do this Bri I agree with all the great advice given already. A change of mind set is imo a major must to being af. Stop thinking that you cannot drink !!! you can drink all you like !! but you are choosing not too !!!. That sort of mind set changes the whole perspective, its your choice not your punishment. Dwelling is a demon that calls us back to the bottle. I am 70 odd days af now and surprise surprise I have not had an anxiety attach in all that time !!!. You can do this ( read around here you will have numerous examples of people who have so belief that you can too) and you will feel so much better for doing so. Sounds like your boyfriend is on board so lean on him for support, keep posting and feel proud of yourself that you have had the courage to face up to your problem and are striving to deal with it. Look forward to seeing you around the board !.

[K9Lover]

Doesn't get easier...

Hi Bri! How are you doing today?

[briseus]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey everyone - so I made it through day one and am onto day two where I decided to clean out my "study/office room". So that took up a couple hours and then I am doing laundry and then plan on having a relaxing bubble bath or something. I am quite irritable - exhausted - annoyed - getting a headache.

I always have a tough time with day one…I think once I get through that day then I am doing good. Or at least I feel like I am doing good.
I was quite emotional yesterday - I journalled and just did nothing. Sleep came quite easily to me but I did wake up numerous times throughout the night - soaking wet. I was sweating like a dog! Wth?? Toxins trying to get out? I don't know. But I was freezing and soaked to the bone. Not very comfortable. But I did like the fact that I woke up with a clear head.

I know it's my mindframe I need to change…I will educate myself big time as well as try something like meditation. I need to really get my stress and anxiety in check…as much as he is supportive there are people in our lives that probably couldn't care less if they knew.
I am glad my family is supportive as well and are proud that I am trying to get sober - even though it's *again*.
Thanks everyone for the wise words. I will stick close again tonight…for now, I will study…and make a smoothie because I really am not hungry.

Onto day 3...

[daisy45]

Doesn't get easier...

Great stuff Bri - just keep focused -like me, yes, it is 'again', and so what? Again and again until we don't need to any more......
You already know that those first 3 days are the worst and the sweats and lack of sleep sorts itself out with each sober day.......supporting you every step of the way.....be kind to yourself....

[MossRose]

Doesn't get easier...

Hey Bri. Followed your last thread and will follow along on this one. You aren't alone. I suffer from anxiety so I understand the urge to self-medicate. Just wanted to lend support and let you know that I understand. I am glad your bf is listening. That is important. The only advice I have is that the anxiety will lessen without AL. It seems improbable, at times impossible, but it's true. So hang in there.