Just Another Personal Thread

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

On Mondays I have a regular time when I go out for coffee with friends, kind of early in the morning, so I zipped out of the house without doing my hypnosis session, or posting here. I had breakfast and took my vitamins, but not the session. When I got home I realized I had to run out for something so off I went again.

On the way home I had my first bit of temptation since I had started this plan. That old voice came to me. "You aren't really serious about this are you? You know, you can balance it. It's not that big of a deal. Everybody drinks. You'll be weird. You can balance your life and alcohol. You can control it. The Kudzu helps a lot, right?"

And the scary thing was there was a part of me that kind of began to see things his way. Just a part.

I went straight home and did my hypno session. Then again before bed, then first thing before breakfast.

Now, I am thinking how ridiculous those arguments are. How I never even cared about being weird-I'm an artist for crying our loud. I'm supposed to be weird. Why not be weird in a healthy way? How I don't even want to make room in my life or even try to balance that with all the good things I have.

Yikes!

It is good though. It reminded me that I am still vulnerable, that I have to keep my guard up. To not sluff off on anything! How important it is to look forward and not for a second look back.

So, I'm making sure to cover all my bases this morning before I set foot out of this house! More errands today. Ugh, I am tired of running around. I need to spend a couple good full days at home and get some work done! Not going to stress about it though, one day at a time!

Have a good day all!

[gracieb]

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I can't find my book! Argh, that's one thing about those trade paperbacks, they gat lost on the shelves so easily.

Anyway, this is day 17 for me, which is the day I caved last time around. But so far it's honestly been easy! I think the preemptive work has really paid off. And yesterday I was walking around the grocery store and came upon an end display of beer and honestly felt repulsed. So Cool! I'm feeling more excited and hopeful than I have in a long time. I think I might have even lost a teeny bit of weight.

So anyway, I'm just checking in. I hope I find my book soon. Off to rustle up some breakfast.

[lead366]

Just Another Personal Thread

Well done Gracie

Maybe seeing that beer display and being repulsed was a sign of your mind shift...that booze sucks.....its perhaps our mind and the media, the advertising, the tv stars etc that lead us to believe that saying NO to AL is a bad decision. ITS THE RIGHT ONE!

The industry is hard at work to try and get us all hooked by any means and they are winning..... Can you ever imagine taking a needle and stuffing your arm full of heroin? GROSS!....Same with booze---its just a slower and miserable way to die.

You have chosen life----and sobriety has wayyyyyyyy more rewards than booze.

Proud of you

[tf3030]

Just Another Personal Thread

I know exactly what you mean about seeing alcohol and being repulsed. In the grocery store the other day I saw an end rack of those 1.75L vodka bottles. My first reaction wasn't "oh how I would love to drink that" it was an immediate flashback to my first night of detox at the independence center. How scared and horrible I felt and the maddened contemplation of my own mortality. All of it flashed into my mind and it was actually uplifting. My mind had made the relation between alcohol and misery subconscious and absolute. I agree that we all need to keep a positive image of ourselves and shape reality to our perceptions if you will. Luckily, intense events in our lives can do that for us occassionally

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

tf3030, I have always loved beer, even as a little kid, so it was sooo wonderful!

Lead, it is so hard to swim against the brainwashing. Advertisers are so astute. But once we see it for what it is it helps so much. I hate to get to confident, but I really think this is it!

[gracieb]

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Day 21 of both my "plan" and af days. So far it truly has been pretty easy.

I've been trying really hard to pay attention to the way I think, not just in the area of alcohol, but just in general. I notice that if I go a day or so without listening to my hypnosis session on Youtube, I start getting flashes of an image of me drinking in my mind. I think the first step toward drinking, for me, isn't temptation, it's fear that I will drink. Fear of drinking introduces the possibility that I will drink. As the possibility grows, so does the probability, even though I haven't actually had a physical temptation and at this point, desperately don't want to still.

The things that haven't worked with this is to argue or to fear. Lately when I get that image flash across my mind I simply replace it with a picture of me, drinking mineral water or tea, reading or doing something that requires a clear mind, smiling, being relaxed, happy and af. I focus on that picture until it crowds out other thoughts and allow myself to feel the happiness that that is my goal and I'm going to be that person in my thoughts. Heck, I AM that person!

And if the drinking picture pesters, I try to get in some time to do my hypnosis recording as soon as I can.

Of my list of items in my plan, I think the hypnosis session has been the most helpful. In a way it helps me keep up with the rest of my plan. After that, the eating really well, especially in the morning and the kudzu and l-glutamine. I read the book occasionally, but I have other things I want to read, so a lot of days I don't read any. Walks I have always done. I would go crazy without them, but they never helped me quit. They just help maintain.

But one thing about the hypnosis session (if anyone wants to try it) is that I really try to enter into it emotionally. He says over and over "You're free, you're absolutely free from alcohol for the rest of your life." I enter into that with a feeling of joy, if I need to I make myself feel it (though I usually feel it already a little, I just magnify it.). It'e hard to want to do something if you've just rejoiced in the fact that you'll never have to do it again!

I don't think I actually get hypnotized. When as a kid we would play hypnosis games at slumber parties as a kid, nobody could ever hypnotize me. I just can't seem to release it. I don't know why. But I relax and listen to him, following what he says and let my emotions follow it.

Better run, the day is moving along and I haven't had breakfast yet. Good day everyone!

[Bastet]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hi Gracie, I copied the link to the YouTube hypnosis session last time you mentioned and tried it yesterday. It always takes me a few sessions to really get into one of those because if I don't know it I keep wondering what is next. I like your idea of really trying to get into it emotionally. I'm not sure I get hypnotized either but I find it a really relaxing time. I have one that I bought iTunes Store and it works in much the same way.
Congratulations on 21 days - almost a month!

[paulywogg]

Just Another Personal Thread

OMG,gracie,you are the first person i've heard on here that said that about "the fear of drinking"i've been in a state all this time of fear of drinking on this or that occasion,desperately wanting to not,but the fear of messing up my plan,starts a seed growing and lo and behold it happens! you are doing amazing,i tried to do that hypno session,but the guys accent is throwing me off haha,but i do think it's a relaxing way to clear the mind,there's another good one on youtube i like,it's called mindclearing hypnosis,i dont have a link but its very relaxing also,have a good one,and keep at it

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Bastet, I know what you mean about wondering what's next. When ever I start a new hypnosis session I always listen to it a few times "awake" to make sure it will work for me and that I agree with what's being said.

Paulywogg, I know events are hard. I haven't had any yet, and they are my biggest challenge because of social anxiety. I hope I don't have any too soon. I think the key will be to take the time before envisioning myself managing the event in my head beforehand. Imagining turning down alcohol, (or if that can't be done gracefully, dumping it in the toilet when no one is looking.) having a clear mind, being able to talk without needing it, going home sober and happy because I haven't embarrassed myself..... This is my plan when the situation arises.

I have never been addicted physically to alcohol, I've never had the shakes and all that. It's all a big head game. I've spent 25 years being walloped at this game but I think I'm starting to get it. :P

I know, also what you mean about the accent. I had this one I used to listen to for general success, but his voice did this funny thing at one point. Once I noticed it, I started anticipating it and I couldn't focus. Then I started giggling, knowing I was anticipating, and not being able to stop. It was a good message and he had a nice voice but for some reason this little thing ruined it all for me!

I tried another alcohol related one, but I felt like she was scolding me the whole time "YOU have used alcohol as a crutch, YOU have used alcohol to escape your problems, etc." It didn't feel very hopeful to me. I like this guy because he seems gentle and like he's happy to set you free from a cage you've been in, not like you're being judged. So I decided to get past the accent and the fact that the sound isn't as professional as some of the others. But everyone needs to snoop around and find what works for them.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

I'm feeling really discouraged. I made it for over a month (lost count of the days after 30) and now I'm back where I was, and this week I've been awful. I just can't even seem to get a whole day af. I know I can, I just have been caving so easily. Why? My relationship with my husband has been trying, and other things going on. Lately I really miss my mom who died about 15 years ago. I wish I had someone to help me and I just feel very alone. I know my husband wants to leave and when ever I'm around him I feel like he just can't stand me. But I have children and I can't support them alone. I just want to turn everything off. I feel like I'm on the edge of crying every time someone talks to me. I don't drink at him, like to make him mad, but I do drink to escape him, so I don't feel things as much. I scare myself. What if I'm ALWAYS like this? I feel like such a failure. We used to be such good friends, and I loved him so much. He had kind of a midlife crisis a few years ago and he changed a lot then. Got a lot more critical and just seemed to give up on me and the family. I've been trying to maintain a balance and keep things together for the children. I want them to have a happy life at least. We don't fight or anything, we just don't anything. I feel like I can't go forward and I can't go back.

I know drinking doesn't help. I've regained the weight I lost. My mind is fuzzy. I just want to get away from it. I want to be healthy, clear minded, able to act and get my life together, at least for myself and my kids. I hope writing this out will get me back up and get some traction under my feet again. If anyone out there believes in prayer, please pray for me. I feel so lost. I know God cares, but drinking cuts me off from Him. I feel so guilty all the time.

Aprill 22, I'm praying for this to be a new day 1.

[bkyogagurl]

Just Another Personal Thread

:l.and another:l

Gracie I have been wondering about you... I have to make my little guy breakfast and get him to school but I will be back... I have some things to share with you on this.

Hang in there and feel my warm hug thru this screen:huggy

[j-vo]

Just Another Personal Thread

Gracie,
That's a great list/plan. For me, and NS has stressed this to me and others, is that once you quit drinking, the other things start to fall into place. It's really true.

I read Psycho-Cybernetics about 25 years ago. Several times! He had other books out as well and I thought they were good. Good luck on your journey!

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Thanks for the hug Yogagurl. I felt it.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Actually, I think I happened upon some missing pieces to my puzzle. A few weeks ago I had tried to order the book "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" but I messed up and got "The Diet Cure" by accident. I was bummed because this book seemed to deal with food allergies and stuff and I wasn't really having trouble with that, and just tossed it on a shelf. But yesterday I went to the index just to see if she had anything to say about alcohol that could help me and this was the first thing I read:
"There are certain people from specific genetic stock who we know have very special needs for the omega-3 fats found only in cold water fish such as sardines and salmon.... Even a distant ancestor could have passed on this genetic need for fish to you, though you are most likely to have the problem if you ancestry includes 25 percent from one of these genetic stocks:
*Scandinavian
*North American Coastal
*Native Celtic Irish, Scottish or Welsh

........Many of our clients come from alcoholic families that are Scandinavian, Irish, or Native American and suffer from alcoholism and depression at unusually high rates. Depression and cravings for alcohol as well as fat can be relieved by the use of fish oil. Without the omega-3 fats in their diet these genetic types suffer depression as a brain fat deficiancy symptom . They use alcohol to numb the depression and/or over eat all kinds of fat, blindly searching for the right one, omega-3, which is hard to find in the American diet."

Oh my goodness! I am entirely Irish/Swedish! And I crave fish all the time! I loved fish, always, (and anything that comes from the ocean really) even as a little kid. But I don't usually let myself have it all that often, because it's expensive, I'm not sure how to cook it, it stinks up the house, I'm afraid of too much mercury in tuna, etc. etc. etc. I never, ever thought I NEEDED it, I just thought I really liked it!

And not only that, I realized that at the beginning of this last quit, I had been taking fish oils and had no cravings at all for a few weeks. But I didn't think of it being the fish oils doing that, I thought it was the mental stuff I was trying to do. But I ran out of them and I didn't get more because I wasn't really thinking of it being in connection to quitting alcohol directly, just that they were good for me. So I kind of forgot about them. But you can bet as soon as I read that I went and got some and made myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch! YES!

I also realized I am not taking enough of the L-Glutamine, which she also talks about a lot. I was only taking one a day (500mg) but she suggests three. She also said if you are having intense sugar or alcohol cravings to open a capsule and put it under your tongue to get quicker relief. Good to know! I think I will carry them with me at all times!

I spent all day yesterday reading this book. It's explaining a lot, though the main subject isn't alcohol, it's food cravings. But I'm re-figuring my plan to increase the L-Glutimine, take fish oils regularly, and try L-tyrosine (which she suggests if you have trouble with focusing.) I'm also finding stuff that could be helpful with one of my daughters intense PMS and my son having trouble with focus. I had a friend suggest he needed Ritalin (or something like) but I really never wanted to do that. I will probably be spending a small fortune on supplements. But if we can pull ourselves out of some of this....

Also, toward the end of the month of my quit I began to really want to see the weight drop off and began to eat less. I think that also led me into trouble, as I really do need those extra nutrients. The lack of the abundance of nutrition left me more vulnerable. So I will not do that. She says if you follow her plan you will lose weight naturally as your body balances out, but even if not, I'd rather be a little pudgy and sober.

So! With a little renewed hope... I continue on. :P Thanks to anyone who prayed for me. It seemed to help.

[Willow23]

Just Another Personal Thread

Gracie, that is so weird about the fish! The past few days I have been eating so much fish/prawns because I just really fancied it. That would make absolute sense. I am from Cornwall originally so also have the Celtic thing going on. That is seriously bizarre, thanks for posting that.

[bkyogagurl]

Just Another Personal Thread

Gracie-.
That makes so much sense!!! I am also of Scandinavian decent. I love fish! Just about any of it. I totally agree with keeping your body fed as a way to combat cravings for AL.

I have been thinking about your previous post... I think underlying issues such as the ones with your husband can detrimental to recover if you are not able to address them. I know that was the case for me. My husband and I just made a recovery from near divorce. Us learning how to communicate and support each other has been essential in my fight against the bottle.

You sound better.. Stay close I love reading your thoughts as they resonate with me very much.