Just Another Personal Thread

[gracieb]

I think I'm going to try doing a personal thread like I've seen some others do. I know they don't get as much interaction, but I feel funny on the newbies nest, jumping in and talking about my mundane stuff, like walking up to a group at a party and interrupting to talk about something totally irrelevant. :P Not that the other conversations aren't important or interesting, this will just be a place to try to unravel my mind and if anyone else wants to jump in and give feedback or chat or whatever, that would be nice too.

Well, I made 17 days and went off, then for the past couple weeks I've been off and on, trying to find traction again. I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to try again. Usually I go on a three day guilt fest, which has never been helpful.

The plan I have is to:

Kudzu and supplements
post here daily
Read at least 5 pages out of Jason Vales book each morning (Kick the Drink)
Prayer and meditation each morning
Listen daily to positive hypnosis sessions on Youtube
Daily walk

I'm not sure if I want to count days. I think rather than counting AF days I will count days in being faithful to my plan.

I've also just started reading "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz and I'm thinking about posting about working through that book. I'm really good at reading self help and spiritual growth books, not so good at implementing the things they teach. :P So maybe this would be a good avenue to do that as well.

The thing is, it's not just that I want to quit drinking. I want to quit being the kind of person who treats my body and brain like a trash can. I want to not be the sort of person that constantly has to hide from others and avoids life. I want to have confidence in my abiliy to complete something once I've started. I want to be a better me.

So anyway, if anyone has any suggestions to add to my plan, or is interested in going through any of this with me, I'd be happy for feedback! (Or I guess I would just go off and write all this alone in a notebook.)

Thanks all.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Just Another Personal Thread

gracieb;1626510 wrote:
The thing is, it's not just that I want to quit drinking. I want to quit being the kind of person who treats my body and brain like a trash can. I want to not be the sort of person that constantly has to hide from others and avoids life. I want to have confidence in my abiliy to complete something once I've started. I want to be a better me.
Thanks all.

Welcome Gracie! :l

When I first came here in 2008 (I don't have access to my old email address, but my name is similar), someone suggested that I journal 10 things about myself, for myself to remember- as daily affirmations. To write them down every morning, kind of like when little Johnny had to write on the chalk board, "I will not tell a lie", in front of the class.

You have started a very powerful list - at least 4 important goals that you must not forget.

I agree with you about counting the days~ to me it isn't about the number of days, because if that's all you count, then you may forget about your other goals, like being able to complete something.

I'm glad you are here!
Patty

[paulywogg]

Just Another Personal Thread

I happen to like personal threads,its a good way to keep track of progress,see what needs work and for me its a good place to vent about my personal problems without hogging another thread ya know?glad youre doing this ill be keeping up with you,ill also be checking out those youtube videos you talked of

[daisy45]

Just Another Personal Thread

Gracieb, Good plan - and I read a lot of those books too - very interested in anything new that you may come across - will pop in and visit!

[briseus]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hey Gracie ~ your thread kinda spoke out to me when I read it.
A few reasons why is because I can really relate (not only with our being dependant on AL) but have a few things in common with you.
Those goals are very similar to what I have in mind…not the kudzu - although I should look into that but vitamins and supps, sticking close to MWO, meditating and checking out podcast and YouTube for positive hypnosis sessions.

I also love to read and ALSO read self-help books all the time but need to apply them to my life! Lol. I have so many of them so maybe I can begin reading them with all the free time that I now have.

And last but not least…I also want to be a better me. I recently began studying nutrition and have realized that I REALLY am treating my body like an absolute garbage bin! I can't believe I have been poisoning myself all this time and just never really realized what I was doing to my body…
I want to have more confidence and self-esteem as AL has robbed me of that as well as had me gain lots of weight.
I want to be someone that people look up to, that my family is proud of and I TOO want to start things and finish them…and people go "well, she actually did it!"
So I know!
I just wish that sometimes that addictive voice would SHUT UP already…because in all reality and sanity - being sober is the way to go.

Let me know if you come across any positive hypnosis podcasts or YouTube 'vids'.
I definitely think journaling is cathartic and will begin more of that.
Another thing to fill my time and be creative is redecorating a room of mine that I have…so that when I am having those difficult times it can be my getaway…a safe haven, if you will.
Another suggestion (that I am interested in doing) is a manifestation board. Buy a cheap bulletin board and cut up some magazines of images that are inspiring…or even Pinterest works too. That can get veeeerrrry addicting. Lol.
I also have purchased many books on Alcoholism…one that may interest you is "Understanding the Alcoholics Mind: The Nature of Craving and How to Control it" by Arnold Ludwig. I just began reading it, and it is quite interesting.

Hope some of this helps…I know I still have to apply it to my everyday life. I have gone nearly 40 days once…before going back to drinking with a vengeance. I am on day 2 now, going on 3. But I am optimistic..and shifting your mindset - like everyone here suggests is important too.

I am in the same boat as you Gracie. I *know*…then again, I guess we all do.
Hang in there! If you think of any more ideas, please share!

-Bri

Ps. Sorry, a little longwinded! Lol.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Thanks everyone, for joining me in my little spot here. Pauly, your thread was one of the first one I read when I started lurking around here and I identified with a lot of it. What a relief to not be the only person on earth to be the one who struggles with these things!

briseus, I agree about the vision board. I don't have a lot of magazines but I do kind of do that with Pinterest. I need to be more targeted about it though.

I am very interested in how to change my thoughts in order to change my life. I hate white knuckling. I really, really hate it. I want to figure out how to change myself so I don't have to-or at least not much. I guess this is kind of an experiment on myself.

The thing is, I have a lot of practice quitting. I have been a drinker since I was 16 and trying to quit with varying degrees of success since I was 21. Now I'm 45. Pretty bad, huh? My will power is pretty weak. I hate that feeling, like if I'm completely depending on will power to quit, I will eventually cave so why put it off? I know this is the alcohol talking. But I've realized I need a firmer base to change my life. I need to change the way I think.

When the economy crashed my husband's income was cut by more than two thirds and he went through a severe depression as a result of that and other things going on. We were a one income family and I was absolutely terrified. I went through some months of intense, intense fear of being homeless, we still have small children, what would I do for them, etc. etc. One night as I was in a bout of fear a thought came into my head that I believe was God, as the voice told me I was not trusting Him and that He didn't appreciate all this fear I was indulging myself in.

For some random reason I picked up a copy of a Zig Ziglar book on positive thinking and it made me really look at the way I was thinking and how my negativity was actually inviting problems into my life and even if God wanted to help me, I was resisting it, purely because of the way I was thinking.

Long story short, I ended up starting an online business and leaving a church I felt was destructive to my family. It was something I never would have had the courage to do before.

Fast forward a couple years. I was working my business, but again I was getting settled where I was at. I wasn't looking at my thinking as much or anything, just kind of coasting. Then I had two dreams. In one I was holding a pool of water in my hands, only even though it was in my hands if felt very deep and full. There was a tiny speck of something floating in it like a leaf, but it was very small compared to the pool. A message came to me that the pool of water was the power of what I could do by changing my thinking, but the little speck was what I was actually using. Then I woke up.

In the next dream I was trying to get to a resort hotel, but it was high up a cliff and rather than looking for a path up I started climbing up this rocky cliff. Dirt was falling in my face, my finger nails getting all worn, working, working. Then I looked to the side of me and there was a nice, clean secure concrete stairway with a sturdy hand rail. The message was clear. I make things way harder and more complicated than they need to be!

So, I used these things to start a business I never would have before and to make a stand with my husband that I never could have before. I would always, always cave in, no, I'm not good enough, it was a stupid idea, I never should have tried, who do I think I am, etc. Now it seems the next logical step to take these things and apply them to another giant in my life, alcohol.

I realize that the way I think of myself is that I am a lush, a drunk, not as good as others, can't get it together, etc. I always seem to cave at around two-three weeks. Why? Is it actually harder to get through day 21 sober than day 2? No. It's that I see myself that can't get beyond a few weeks without a binge. It's how at my core, I see myself. I also see myself as a person with sloppy eating habits, that doesn't care much about my body, etc. I want to change that.

So, like I said, I guess this is an experiment. I want to see if I can quit by changing my mind, and without a ton of white knuckling. I know I will have some times of it, but I know that there have been times when I've walked away from temptation and it wasn't as hard as others and I got to figure that the frame of mind I was in was the difference from one day to another.

I don't know if this makes a ton of sense, but it's very clarifying, typing it out.

Oh, and Bri, be as long winded as you like. I always love good discussion!

[Nelz]

Just Another Personal Thread

WOW, with posts and thoughts like that, I cant help but think you would be more than welcomed in the NN!! (Actually everyone is welcomed in the NN)

Welcome to the club, just walk in and act like you own the place...........:H

[NoSugar]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hi, Gracie

This saying is so overused, it has become something of a trite cliche', but I think it expresses what you're getting at:





For me, the key element was changing my thinking in two major ways:

1. Eliminating the idea that having a drink was an option I could consider. Ever. Once that is gone, you have to be a little more creative in dealing with the ups and downs of normal life.

and

2. Developing an attitude of gratitude for the tiniest changes that resulted from not drinking - I mentally paused and appreciated things numerous times during the day - and still do. When it has occurred to me 8 or 9 times by 4 pm how much better my life is, my thoughts just don't turn to drinking anymore. It seems like a really stupid idea now.

Over time, the physical addiction wanes and you're left with the mental/emotional/psychological aspects and for me, the points above really helped.

All the best, NS

[Wagoneer]

Just Another Personal Thread

What an awesome thread - just wonderful. I will be sober for a year this month, and it has been HARD. I too, have a vision board, meditate and really pay attention to how my thought manifest the bad in my life. It is a sturuggle, but changing my thinking, has really changed my life. Being sober is a very empowering thing, at least it has been to me. I finally have control over what was a very chaotic part of my life. I can actually say "I don't drink" and be proud and not care who knows it. I can't say that it has been easy though. I will probably always struggle to some degree.

All of your posts were so full of positive energy and strength. You shoudl be so proud of yourselves. This place had a huge part in my really becoming sober. They folks here are priceless. I'm happy you are all here

Waggy

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Nelz, I felt welcome in the NN, I hope it doesn't appear otherwise. I just wanted someplace to mumble my self absorbed thoughts, rather than, like Pauly said, hog a thread.

No Sugar, the quote is only overused because it is so true!

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Checking in, day three of working my plan. I have been listening to this YouTube twice a day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-I8yYKJdZ4[/video]]Complete Stop Drinking Alcohol Self Hypnosis Session - YouTube

I like that he repeats over and over "free from alcohol" which is what I want-I want to be free!

I am interested in reading more about alcoholism as a metabolic disorder. Thinking about getting this book:

Seven Weeks to Sobriety: The Proven Program to Fight Alcoholism through Nutrition: Joan Mathews Larson: 9780449002599: Amazon.com: Books

Has anyone read it? I have always been so mystified by the fact that I would over and over do something that obviously causes me so much misery. Yes, there is pleasure to it, but is it really that great? I want to be able to combat from every position possible!

I am also eating a lot. But I'm really trying to make it the most nutritious food possible. I always put myself, and most especially my body, on the back burner and take care of everyone else. I would eat toast and make sure the kids get the fruit and eggs. But I am realizing I've got to stop that. If I go down where will the kids be? I am trying to just flood my body with the most nutrition I can. Spinach salad, tuna, home grown eggs, etc. I am also looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "I am a person who loves my body. I am grateful for my body. I put good things into my body." Rather than the usual negative thoughts about getting fat and stuff.

I usually am not all that tempted in the first week after a binge. My harder days are more towards the end of 1 1/2 to 2 weeks, so I can't really tell what the results are yet, but I feel positive.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

This made me giggle:

"If I wanted to stop eating bananas and went around telling everyone who would listen that I had not had a banana in weeks and at the same time I was reading a book called "How to Quit Eating Bananas for a Month" wouldn't you know immediately that I had a real banana problem? -Jason Vale

It's kind of funny when you take what we do with alcohol and extend it to other things. Like bananas. Not really. But maybe kind of...

I am beginning day 4 of my plan. Eating like crazy. I don't usually do this when I quit, maybe it's because it's been cold out, maybe because I really am trying to slow down and listen to my body and treat it like I care for it, rather than it just being this *thing* I live in-mainly upstairs. Eckhart Tolle kind of made me aware that this is what I do. He talks about the idea that when you only live in the upstairs of a house, unwanted guests come in and inhabit other portions. I never even thought about living anywhere in my body than in my brain. So I'm trying to slow down and listen. I'm also sleeping a lot. Which isn't the biggest help for getting work done, but I guess I'll just let it be for a while.

I regret so much, that's the hard thing. Ten years ago we started going to a church I thought would be a help to me, but one aspect of it was that they celebrate the "freedom we have in Christ" which mainly expresses itself through freedom with alcohol. I didn't really realize it when we started there. I was so wrong in going to that church on so many levels and it's hard for me to look back and see how stupid I was. I just so wanted a community to belong to. I don't really have any family and it seemed, for a while, that this would be a good place for my kids to grow up and have friends. After a while it seemed like alcohol was the ONLY freedom they celebrated. It was quite weird. Sigh. Now my kids have grown up with this sort of disdain towards groups that don't allow alcohol and I have to try to convince them to be more cautious. It's hard for me to think about this because I have so much regret. Also, my husband drinks. I hate alcohol. I don't know what to do with my fears.

I wish I had found help a long time ago. I wish I knew what to do now. I don't usually let myself think about these things, I guess I'm feeling a little down.

I guess my avatar isn't working for me today.

Well, I've read my chapter and done my hypno-video. I think it must be funny to be a hypnotist and talk to people in that sing-songy voice. I wonder if he ever accidentally talks to his wife in it. :P Then maybe she gets mad and says "Don't use that hypnotizing stuff on me!"

Gonna go take my vitamins and see what I can find by way of breakfast and coffee.

Have a good day all!

[lead366]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hi Gracie:

The seven weeks book is excellent...buy it!

I have relapsed about 4 times since rehab but what I learned was to pay strict attention to diet and supplements. The sups have really REALLY helped me and they take away craves and calm my mind.

This time I feel alot more comfy with being sober and I dont consider it a fight anymore...in fact?.....I am becoming quite stubborn and resolute about alcohol and over-sugar/wheat consumption as extreme hazards to our collective health.

The book is packed with useful information

I quit coffe in June 2013...LOVE IT!...I started by switching to high quality decaf.......you will have a mild headache for 5-6 days---thats it.....SOOOOO worth it.

I made my cornerstone each day to make a high quality breakfast...eggs....stir fry veggies...and nitrate free bacon.....this really is a big deal. Took about ten days to get used to this.

Careful with lunch and dinner and yes--I cheat with chocolate but?.....my craves are gone.

Im 51 and 30 years drunk so your in better shape...GO FOR IT...buy the book

Lemme know what you learn ok?

[j-vo]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hi Gracie,
I think this is great that you're posting in your journal the things that work for you, as others may find things in it that work for them as well!

I read psycho-cybernetics about 25 years ago. The first book, then there were follow-up books by the same author. Good reads and exercises to do to change the mind-set to positive. I also read the 7 weeks to sobriety years ago, but can't comment on it as I can't remember, but I'm sure it has lots of practical information in it.

Good luck in your journey!

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Lead, quitting coffee might be harder for me than drinking! :P But I am trying to stay away from sugar. I just got my daughter married so I have Noooooo spending money, but as I get things caught up I am going to get that book.

I'm very INTP so when I take on something I read all I can and kind of obsess for a while. I'm going to succeed and when I do I will know how I did it and why it worked.