Just Another Personal Thread

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Yogagurl,

I know my relationship with him is a problem, and it is hard for me to keep equilibrium around him. Some people talk about drinking "at" people, and I have definitely done that as well. I've also "sobered at" him because I got so tired of his shaming thing. He kind of disdains me for my weaknesses, yet he has his own addiction issues. He used to buy alcohol and leave it around the house, especially, it seemed when he knew I was trying to quit. The if I took the bait he would say stuff like "Did you really drink all that wine?" in a shocked voice and I would feel all ashamed. (Like really, we've been married for almost 25 years. How could he be shocked?) I did manage to quit for 2012 and he bought wine, then bigger bottles, then put rum in the kitchen and just left it there. At one point, at the end of the year when I was sober I told him that if he left alcohol around the house he might as well know I'm going to drink it. Not because I want to, but I was so sick of the whole thing. He kind of looked startled and said "OK" and since then he doesn't do that as much. He keeps his alcohol in his room. Usually I'm not quite so tempted by it, but at times I have taken some. I do wonder sometimes if I can reasonably expect to quit, but I also have to acknowledge that I'm perfectly capable of trotting up to the store for my own and often do, so I can't blame him.

His personality has changed. I mean, he always had kind of manipulative tendancies, but lately it seems like he has given over to anger and being bitter at me and I wonder how I can make it. I would have gotten out a long time ago, but we are religious and divorce isn't something to take lightly and frankly I fear God's judgement because I well know that there is a lot on my door of blame as well. The kids love him and I can't support us. I'm afraid if I give up on the marriage he will disappear and not help with money or do much with the kids because he doesn't do much with them as it is.

I feel very trapped. But I just have to make it through each day and make it the best I can, and I'm trying to get to the place where I can take care of us, so if he does leave I can take care of my kids. Fortunately, I work at home, so that's good, anyway.

My goal is to make things the best I can for my kids and not live a life dominated by alcohol.

Sorry to dump, but.... there we are.

Day 3 begins.

[bkyogagurl]

Just Another Personal Thread

I don't considering it dumping.. It's sharing. It's your thread and you can share as much as you want.. That is why I love mine. I can write on there as much as I want and not really care if anyone responds or not...

I do know what you mean about the husband trying to sabotage you. Even tho mine has made leaps and bounds with this I still think he feels an underlying power when I drink. He doesn't buy alcohol for me anymore which I appreciate. He buys stuff he knows I won't drink.
I can totally relate to the manipulation too. I don't want to sound harsh but it's up to you to stop that. It sounds like you husband has a great deal of insecurity that he may be dealing with... Are sure that he may have ideas to leave? I used to think that about my husband but realized he was so afraid of me leaving him he covered it in anger and shaming. My husband used to call me names... One of which was my alcoholic dad's name..I used to hate and it made me despise him. I began to stop caring although and could care less if he ever came home again.. I said something to him about 6 months ago while sober that shook him up.. I said ... "You made me feel like you don't care about our relationship which made me feel like you don't care about me which made me feel like I don't care about you"...
Sounds kinda weird writing it down.. But at that a point when I almost left him...
But I have been trying to be kind to him when he makes mistakes so maybe he will do the same for me... Which he has.

25 years... There must be some good stuff in there. It's sad that he doesn't spend much time with kids. My husband works a ton and starting getting jealous because the kids always wanted to be near me... After talking about it he noticed that he has to actually spend time with them to have a relationship so they do want to be close with him.

How old are your kids? I used to be scared of my husband leaving me but decided I did not want to miserable for the rest of my life so I started reminding myself that I am a strong woman who know a how to work hard.. I couldn't give the kids the material life they have now but it would still be a good life filled with love. I don't think my husband would ever let his kids go without because he would feel that was a direct reflection on him.

This is getting long... I could go on and on.. Do you want to stop drinking totally or would you like to moderate?

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

I know he is very insecure, and wounded. And he has a lot of good qualities.

I spent 20 years trying to be the perfect wife. I lived by his approval and disapproval. Then when he went through that major depression I realized I would NEVER be able to gain the approval, at least not for long. I had to step out of that dynamic and I don't know how to be in a close relationship with him without it. It seems like his only mode for relating. I did have to decide to be strong, and continue to, I left a cult type church we were in because I saw it was harming both our relationship and our daughters, which he resents because I wasn't being a submissive wife. (Patriarchy, if you've heard of it. Deep in some Christian circles.) It's just all complicated. I am willing to forgive, I'm not angry, but I'm not willing to live like that any more. I feel like I'm almost where I could take care of us, and every time I feel it getting close I freak out and binge.

ARGH!

If you told me that you could see in my future and indeed I never drink again, I would be so relieved. If I could just get on with things and leave this monkey behind! I want to get in shape, take classes, maybe study herbal healing, learn yoga, build my career. I wish I could just stop sabotaging myself!

But for today, it's day 4, and I am still here.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Just Another Personal Thread

:groupluv:

Hugs, Gracie B! I wish I could add wise words to what Yogagurl has already said, but she is so wise, so from me.... "ditto". :hug: Patty

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Thanks for the encouragement, all you guys.

Starting day 5 and starting to feel a little more wind under my sails. Why can't I remember how hard it is to get back up again? I've been feeling depressed thinking about all the starts and stops I've made. I'm glad I've made all those starts, I think it's helped me to build a life that at least isn't completely out of control, but I could have done so much more if I had stayed stopped.

But last night I was coming home from the store and thinking how grateful I was that I actually son't HAVE to drink,. I don't have to! I can just sip my iced tea and be happy. For crying out loud. I'm starting to pick back up with the hypnosis and taking lots of fish oils and the re-imaginings and all that. Like Malcom Malts says, don't keep going over your failures, go over your successes. So I'm going to pull out of the pity party of the last few days and work on my thinking again.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Had a slip yesterday. Was feeling tempted all day, but got myself home from errands without caving. Then I did some work upstairs on the computer for a couple hours and came down to a couple wine bottles open on the counter. I drank half a bottle. It didn't help that one of my teeth were hurting.

Well, I'm not going to beat myself up or use it as an excuse to head into a binge. I was depressed all last week and kind of in a funk, but I got my period and now I feel sooo much better. Going to make myself a carrot juice and a home raised egg and get some exercise.

Really, the best high is being healthy.

So, back to start, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

[Wishlist]

Just Another Personal Thread

Hi GracieB...I did the same thing starting my own thread, easier for me to track myself and my patterns. I really relate to what you said about not just stopping drinking, but changing how you feel about and/or treat your mind and body I am really trying to "reset" my brain by trying to change my thoughts, def easier said than done

[paulywogg]

Just Another Personal Thread

How you doing gracie?haven't seen you in a couple of days,check in girlie

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Thanks for thinking of me Pauly. I've decided to go with the Sinclair method and I'm waiting for my shipment. I think it will be here later this week. I can't wait!!

I didn't want to post because I didn't want to discourage anyone. I'm not going off the deep end or anything, but I've been feeling pretty discouraged. Not drinking every day, but not trying all that hard either. Thankfully, I never drink anything stronger than beer so I don't get life-threatening-plastered. I've always known if I started with the hard stuff it would mean death for me in very short order, and also, thankfully in my state you have to go to a separate store to buy the hard stuff. So I'm mainly drinking light beer and taking kudzu to help myself space it out and waiting for the naltrexone. Dear God, I hope that will be the key. It seems like it has helped a lot of people. I'm a little afraid, but I am so tired of fighting ALL THE TIME.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Well, I haven't gotten the NAL yet, but it's beautiful and sunny out and there is no al in the house, so I'm going to have a good day. Since I started binging after that last af free month I've been having a hard time getting myself to be positive. Not practicing what I preach-focusing on the defeats rather than the victories, feeling like the good things I tell myself are just tricks, this is who I really am, etc. Time to stop that. I'm almost out of kudzu and I'm not sure if I should get more or not. It doesn't help all the way , but it does help. I get a full feeling and can't drink as fast. But I don't know id that's a good thing to combine with the Sinclair Method because you are supposed to drink with that. I also started reading "The Diet Cure" and that holds out a lot of hope for using high doses of B and C supplements and so I started with that. All the supplements are getting spendy! Which would be fine if I stopped drinking because one would offset the other. But for the last month at least, that has not been the case at all........ sigh......

Oh my gosh. My box just came. I want to know how this stuff affects me. Should I take one today? I don't know.... I'm kind of scared... I'm not one that usually takes drugs, (except alcohol.... and sometimes diet Coke, which is probably the worst of all.) I didn't tell any one I was going to do this. I don't have ANYONE I can talk to. Only my husband knows I struggle, and I don't like to tell him when I'm trying to quit because he can be the opposite of encouraging.

Though I should be fair. He gave me flowers for Mother's Day. He doesn't usually do that, so I feel like he's trying.

Ack... what to do, what to do....

[meshellrn]

Just Another Personal Thread

It is such a bummer this wine thing. I have it too. I made it 14 days, relapsed to the wine, then recently another 18 days, relapsed into the wine and the reason it was ok. there really is never a good reason. I just crave it. I am on day 2 now and really trying agian. Damn alcholol.!!!!Damn me.

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

Aww, damn alcohol all you like meshellrn, but don't damn yourself. As I read more and more about alcoholism. I am convinced it is some sort of biological disorder and not a moral failure. I wish in general, people would try to understand this better and give us all a little more grace and understanding. Judgement never ever helps, and that includes the judgement we throw at ourselves. I know I have bashed myself quite thoroughly in the past and it has never helped, but always just set me on the same circular course I've been in all along.

I took my first dose of the nal last night. Kind of weird. Not terribly weird, but felt kind of dis-attached from the world around me. Not something I couldn't think through and act normal. I read these kind of symptoms usually pass as your body adjusts to the drug and I really hope so. I only took half the recommended dose, as they tell you to do the first couple times, and I can't imagine taking the full one. I drank a beer, and then a while later another and that was seriously all I could take. I know that some people respond right away, but as the body adjusts to the drug the drinking goes back up some until the real cure is hit. I'm going to try to make full use of this "honeymoon period" by being really regular at taking the fish oils, B and C vitamins (per "The Diet Cure") and the L-Glutamine, hopefully it will help with the drinking levels when my body adjusts to the drug.

I am cautiously optimistic. I know this approach doesn't work for everyone, but it has a better success rate than AA and other approaches that rely solely on will power. (And reading the explanation of the Alcohol Deprivation Effect in the book "The Cure for Alcoholism" I'd be afraid to try that approach. Besides the fact that I never felt like going into a group of complete and utter strangers and confessing my problems was a good idea.)

But some of the stories on the Sinclair Method message board are so encouraging and if it works half that good for me I will be ever, ever so thankful. When I allow myself to get exited and I think, "Wow, by this time next year I could actually have my life free from this monkey that has been riding me all these 25 years...." I will be so thankful if this works. I have signed up for the ride and unless I get really bad side effects from the drug I'm going to stay on it and I pray God will help me get to where I need to go.

[Uncorked]

Just Another Personal Thread

gracieb...been following your thread since you started...how are you doing on the NAL?
I have some too...makes me feel a bit strange but does take away the desire to drink.
Hang in there and let us all know how you are doing..we care and share your pain in more ways than you know!

[gracieb]

Just Another Personal Thread

I seem to have adjusted to the nal because I don't hardly feel it now, except for that from time to time I feel nauseous. Actually, for me it's a lot like pregnancy. Feeling normal about 80% of the time and then all at once-ugh. Feeling sick! Then it passes.

I haven't been trying not to drink-at all. Which is part of the reason I've not been posting. I'm not counting sober days (which there haven't been any anyway.) and actually I've been drinking more because I felt like I wouldn't go off the deep end (because I haven't been feeling it as much and no black-outs) and also I know the nal won't work unless I drink when I take it. I want to be cured-healed. I want to be a normal person. I have to admit that sometimes the recovery language bugs me. I don't want to be worried about becoming Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Half the time I am, at least, lonely and tired! It seems like what some of that language is saying is that if I experience the normal emotional aspects of human life I will be at risk of going off the deep end. I don't want to feel like I need to delve into all my inner workings in order to get on with life when other people seem to be able to live lives completely un-examined and get by with it! OK, see? I'm feeling rebellious and so that's why I haven't been posting. Cause I might be a bad influence and all.

I will give myself a couple weeks of not worrying about it at all and then start to try to curb. I can see why this method isn't for everybody because it isn't like all at once you quit drinking. But I do think it is going to work for me. I am believing for it.

It may seem like my idea of the restructuring my thinking has failed, but I don't think so. I am still believing toward a goal, and seeing a me that I could be, and believe that I will be. I haven't been working on having sessions where I envision my goals, but that's because I think, at this point drinking is part of the cure, and I don't want a lot of guilt type conflict going on in my head. But I am still thinking about it loosely and knowing in the back of my mind that the vision is at the end of it all.

I bought myself a cool batik t-shirt today to remind myself. I AM going to go forward. I am in faith mode, but there is a goal. I am not surrendering to a life of couch potato beer slurping. I am going to be strong, high vibration, healthy and aware.

[Orimus]

Just Another Personal Thread

Can't say I've heard of the Sinclair Method but it does sound like Chantix was designed pretty much along the same lines. How long were you taking the Kudzu? I know for me it took while but overtime it got me to cut back more and more. Then once I started at the Dojan and focusing on the rest of me AL was a non issue until the kudzu was on mfr back order. Took me two weeks to get more and I landed back on day 1.

Anyway, why would you want to live a life unexamined? Examining one's life is simply to live consciously, which AL makes almost impossible, and is way more than just about HALT. If that's all it was I'd feel like a dog in a cage and bite off the hand of the first person who got close enough.

I too keep in mind the person I want to be. I have little doubt that is more important than counting AL drinks. It is the reason, the counting is simply one method.