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    Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

    This is obviously a question for the single/divorced/widowed folks here, but all are welcome to respond. As many of you know, I am recently divorced. Prior to the divorce, I was separated for about a year and half. I took that time to repair my life. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. It has been quite the journey and took all of my attention and focus to get to this point. Romance was the last thing from my mind.

    However...

    Several months ago, I got back in touch with a HS sweetheart. Well, actually he was more than that - we were engaged 30 years ago. We ended up breaking up and going our separate ways, but there was never really any bad blood between us. So, he has been a great friend through all of this - my divorce, giving up AL, reinventing my life. Recently, he has made it clear that he wants more - perhaps even a life together. I'm not sure what I want. But I know that I really enjoy my time with him. However, I haven't even dated anyone since my divorce. I haven't felt strong enough or confident enough.

    In fact, I have spent so much time hiding in my apartment over the last year, that I don't know how to do this anymore. Partly because I was married for so long, and can't conceive of dating again. But mostly, because I hide to protect my quit. He says he understands, but really? Can he really get how hard it would be for me to attend one of his business gatherings? He is, and always has been, a social drinker. I feel like he deserves better.

    What do you all think? Am I being too cynical and losing out on happiness, or am I smart enough to know I'm not strong enough yet? I trust you all and will listen to your advice. I just want to make sure that it's real and I'm not just reaching for a life raft. If that makes sense?? He's a nice guy and deserves the best.

    edit: I realize that if I have to ask, I probably already know the answer. But I am so unsure of EVERYTHING anymore, that I am reaching out for advice. I wish I could go back to being that girl that just KNEW how she felt - didn't have to second guess a thing. But AL changed all of that. I stopped trusting my intuition years ago. Wow - what a shame.
    Everything is going to be amazing

    #2
    Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

    You should be proud of your quit, not ashamed of it.

    If he cares he'll understand if you don't want to go to boozy do's, or support you if you want to leave early, don't want to hang around after a certain time. It is possible to have normal drinking partner and be AF, I found because one of us wasn't drinking much or anything our lives weren't directed towards drinking activities.
    I used the Sinclair Method to beat my alcoholic drinking.

    Drank within safe limits for almost 2 years

    AF date 22/07/13

    Comment


      #3
      Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

      MS why would he deserve better when he has you? You have changed your life for the better and i am sure by the sounds of it he can see that. Give yourself a chance at happiness, you certainly deserve it. Would you need to go to every business gathering? You would still ultimately be your own person. Are you scared i wonder of being hurt again? We never know what life will give us especially if we dont give it a try.

      Your quit will always come first MS, you know that but you also deserve happiness woman. Go and grab it, take each day as it comes and enjoy life. he wants you and you want him.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

      Comment


        #4
        Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

        UK and avail - thanks for the responses. You both touched on the real issue. I have never had a sober relationship in my life. I was a drinker for a long, long time. My ex-husband loved when I drank. He was a total alky too so he thought it was "fun." At the time, so did I. OMG - what a horror show. So now I am faced with the prospect of having a relationship with someone that is totally real - no AL to hide behind. Maybe that's what I am afraid of.
        Everything is going to be amazing

        Comment


          #5
          Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

          Hey go for it))))

          Just go extremely slow and keep everything totally honest.

          After all...thirty years counts for something.

          SLOW!!!!!

          Comment


            #6
            Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

            MR I respect you so much. You are making incredible strides. :l

            Here's my question on this. - Why did you both go your separate ways 30 years ago? What broke you up?
            :h
            On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
            *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

            Comment


              #7
              Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

              Kradle - We were too young. At least, I was. He moved to another state for work and we slowly drifted apart. That's about the extent of it. We have always remained friends, but have not always kept in touch. We both married other people. He has been divorced for many years, so he is very ready for a relationship. I'm 80 percent healed from mine, but still working through some strong lingering emotions.

              I have thought a lot about my post. Maybe I am just looking for validation that it's ok to be happy. That's something that has eluded me for a very long time. I'm almost afraid of it, as ridiculous as it sounds. hmmm... I have never really thought about it before, but maybe I need to delve into this a bit and see if there is a correlation between my years of drinking and a fear of saying yes to happiness. It makes some sense since I have almost always followed the path of self-destruction in my love relationships - even if subconsciously.

              Anyway, I think I'm going to give this a chance and see what happens. Very, very slowly. One thing I am sure of is that he really likes me. That's a comfort. When I look back, I realize that my ex may have "loved" me, but he never really liked me as a person. He didn't like himself much either. We were a passionate, drunken train wreck. This is very different - safe, sober and drama free. I could get used to this.

              Thanks all and have a great MAE. I need to get moving. It's going to be another very long and snowy commute this morning.
              Everything is going to be amazing

              Comment


                #8
                Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                Good luck whatever you decide. You definately deserve to be happy. You are a wonderful caring woman and no wonder he wants you in his life.
                :l
                No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                  Moss Rose - I agree with the others. Go for it! And please, let us know how it goes.
                  Mary Lou

                  A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                    Do go for it. One thing I am really looking forward to is a sober happy relationship, I think you will find it very rewarding..... and don't forget to let us all know (I am so nosey!!) xx
                    New life started on 1st May 2014, One day at a time I will work at continuing it forever!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                      MR good luck to you and I hope you he the sober happiness you deserve with this man. Al has played a distructive part in all my relationships and can say for me now being sober make my relationship so much easier and all round happier. No drunken rows, no bad feeling and no having to say your sorry for things that you only have half if any memory off !!. And remember you are only agreeing to date this guy not and see how it goess not donate a kidney !!!! Enjoy, enjoy !!
                      AF Since 2nd December 2013

                      Being af is not your punishment ! its your salvation !!:goodjob:

                      Diet Start

                      25th Feb 2014 10st 6lbs 3rd March 10st 1.5lbs

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                        Poppy - I think I would be less conflicted about giving him one of my kidneys. LOL. I'm not very good at relationships. At least I wasn't while I was drinking...managed to make a complete mess out of most of mine - including my relationship with my sons.

                        So now that things are peaceful, and I'm working so hard to repair past wrongs, I am truly worried about bringing any kind of stress, even good stress, into my life. My oldest son isn't very keen on this friendship. Not because he has anything against him, but he likes the way things are going now. So first roadblock. I think this post has deeper meaning for me now that I have had time to think about it. This is just the first step towards learning to live in a whole new way...work, friends, love, everything. And that scares me a lot. But really, can I live like this forever? Isolated and safe? I don't like the sound of that very much. It seems ludicrous to me that I struggled so hard to get to a good place, to improve my life, and then would choose to remain stagnant. Not sure if this makes sense. I'm just thinking out loud again.

                        I remember reading somewhere that AA has a rule about dating/relationships after getting sober. Since I don't know too much about AA, I'm not sure what the guideline was. Anybody familiar with what I am talking about, or did I just dream this up? haha

                        Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. It's helping me get my thoughts straight. One thing is for certain. I will no longer fight against happiness. Look where that has gotten me. Blessings all, and have a great MAE.
                        Everything is going to be amazing

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Sobriety and dating. Advice, please.

                          Hiya Moss Rose,
                          In AA most people say that you should be one year sober (alcohol free) before making any big changes in your life, this includes new relationships, I do sometimes go to AA but disagree with this, as I think it is an individual thing... some are ready to make big changes quicker than others.

                          I really think you should go for this, have fun date and see where it goes. I totally agree living a really fulfilled life is certainly not about islolating.

                          DD
                          New life started on 1st May 2014, One day at a time I will work at continuing it forever!

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