New Life

[Darkest Diamond]

Well today is day 2. Yesterday got nothing done as was recovering from the night before. Yesterday stayed up until the early hours as was frightened of night time terrors!

What I loathe about alcohol is the waste of time, if the day after is a non working day I rarely get that much done, but neither do I relax fully. It is that awful half life.

I am grateful, last night I slept really well, no muscle spasms or twitches very little sweating. I know from the past this could all still come ...any time between now and day four but it does not always happen for me.

Today I have some really gritty things to sort out, internal and external insurance claims, due to storm damage to my house. Buying a new printer that is compatible with this lap top and my other lap top, (have 2 lap tops in case one goes wrong!!) Take broken lap top to be fixed.

This is all the minutaie of my life and a bit boring!! (very boring)

I woke up and prayed for a sober day, if I drink none of my tasks will be accomplished and I will feel awful about myself.

I also felt really resentful as I am on holiday but feel I am just trouble shooting rather than enjoying myself! (in the last few days have spent hours and hours cleaning due to soot coming through fireplace, because of the crumbling chimney stack) Also feel a level of fear as I have work to do, a lot of work, was going to go into work for a couple of days to do things but I know I need this week off.

I feel fearful about not going into work, resentful that I am feeling fearful etc!!!

I can see why I used to drink...... it immediately squashes the negative feelings but then it makes everything worse!!

I am going to do what I can and if I fail so be it.... but the main thing is I must not drink.

Going to try and keep this thread up for the first two weeks of my AF life as have seen others do this and it has helped them. Will not normally type in this level of detail but focus more on the feelings and general trend of how things are going.

Treats for today, lots of lovely food... want to put on about a stone in weight.Also long walk in sunshine, DVD tonight. Also have the urge to draw and sketch so will buy sketchpad and pencils.

Two little immediate bonuses, just from one day and night AF clear white sparkling eyes, and the puffy face has gone......... incredible, this shows me that my body wants to heal!! (very encouraging)

Thanks to everyone on here. I spend hours on this forum reading everything, the personal threads, the stories, LOAM, Newbies Nest, Long term abstainers etc.... the only bits I don't read are the Moderation threads, simply as I know that is not for me. Also it has been wonderful to pm with so many, that too has helped immensly.

Happy Sober day to all,
DD xx

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Good start, spent ages sorting out internal and external insurance claims (storm damage) so now have done what I can for the time being. Booked my laptop into be fixed. ..now to sort out a new printer!!
(These are the sorts of things I can never do when drinking)

DD x

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Hoover also not working properly, but think I can fix that!

[gracieb]

New Life

DD, I share your frustration with those menial business tasks! Argh! But it does feel good when you get them cleared off your list. Good job on getting them conquered and with a clear head and all. :P

[muldoon]

New Life

good job, life can be a pain sometimes, you can handle this.

take a few minutes sometime today to give yourself a break and give yourself some credit for the pieces you are doing right. Then, look down at your hands. they are working, you have them. Consider how many people do not. Look at your legs, think of how many people are in wheelchairs. Look around the room, think of how many people are blind, and able to make their way through life. You can handle life's problems. You can handle this. good luck today... I hope you get the biggest sketchpad you can find.

[red67]

New Life

DD great job on day 2. Just take this one day at a time and don't overdue it. Gets lots of rest and just do what you can for now. My first month was just work and sleep and eat. I cooked alot when I was bored and just really took it slow.

Keep it up you sound so much better today!

[lead366]

New Life

Great job DD:

This abstinence takes some work----Ive been at it since may 2013 and have fallen often. I am FINALLY in the process of changing my mindset.....I cant moderate and deep down?....I dont even want to touch liquor...Yes--Its quicker...but it turns on you and turns you into a beast.

Im just thankful that I am getting a grip on the real dangers of it and getting out of the mindset where I feel sorry for myself. Its not really tough...its a matter of dealing with your mind and making firm decisions that your decision is SOOOO.....TOTALLY.....CORRRRRECCCT!

Lets trust ourselves and give it a good amount of time. I expect not great changes in my demeanor for about a year---I accept that. However.....over these last 14 days...I have had many glimpses of feeling great!

Glad you are back on track

[Pavati]

New Life

Hi, DD:

You're sounding strong. Keep at it.

One way of looking at all of those chores is as a form of relaxation. I know that when I finally get to a chore that has been bugging me it feels like a great relief to finally tackle it. Intersperse those chores with some good food and plenty of water. Keep posting and you'll get lots of support if you feel wobbly this evening.

Stay strong!

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Thanks for all support, feel flat and not physically so great, still haven't been for walk with doing all this stuff but will go now. During the last 2 days I felt a real itch and burning in the corner of left eye (no redness) have used optrex but has not made any difference, so now have lined up appointment at eye clinic...... unbelievable ... all happens in the holiday!

I think I must be careful to avoid this "victim" mentality as that could lead to a drink. I know there are people who have far worse problems than me but at the moment everything combined plus a looming big inspection at work it all seems a bit much!!

It is good for me coming on this forum as I can see many on here who have worked through much more significant difficulties.

DD xxx

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Pavati good approach seeing the chores as relaxation, I don't at all, but can see that is a good idea! lead 366 I think you will see big changes way before the year is up. I hope to see some big changes every month!! I totally agree with turning into a "beast" when I drink as I just can't stop! Red 67 Once I go back to work after the holiday my life will to be like your first month "work, sleep,eat" but I will do more sleeping and eating than previously and less work, to stay sober I have to push work into its rightful place.... that is the other "beast" in my life, he can't be cut out like alcohol, but with planning and determination he can be controlled!

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Well I got to three days then had a lapse so am now back on day one. Have learnt that it is not just work that triggers me as I am on my holiday. I can see what other triggers are. Have also learnt how odd it is that I can be really feeling strong and carrying out a sober day then something will happen (negative) and a switch goes off in my head..... and I think "F*** it I will drink" then I do (however many hours later that might be).

Have got various challenges going on at the moment at work and home, so that switch is going to keep going off, I have now to learn to ride it out!!.... to do other things, must stop thinking of drink as a reward and see it as a punishment that will kill me if I carry on.

One good thing is that I am over the daily thing of drinking every evening, I have broken that pattern, so no longer will face withdrawals etc.

Day one here I go! Lots of work to do today, so must be vigilant as this always makes me anxious,going to eat loads too,

Love to all who are on this mission.
DD xxx

DD xx

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Another thing I have noticed is that throughout this holiday all the sober times have been better than the drinking ones, however challenging they are they are less painful than the drinking times which cause despair.

Also if I drink the next day as well as feeling physically wrecked I feel emotionally hungover, terribly depressed.

In the sober times I achieve things, I get things done and also I relax better, sleep better as well. I am so glad I am on this forum. Feel hope
DD x

[available]

New Life

DD good on you for 3 days and a great thing that you are recognising your triggers. I remember when i got through a day and was stressed (from not drinking also) and just went to the bottlshop and got wine even though i swore i was not going to drink. Push past those thoughts and you will b suprised at how proud of yourself you are for getting through the moment. Its hard to stop the "f**k its". I found if something triggered me thn i would walk away and do something else and then when it passed go back to what i was doing.

Any day af is a good day DD

[roxane]

New Life

Darkest Diamond;1629384 wrote: Well I got to three days then had a lapse so am now back on day one.
One good thing is that I am over the daily thing of drinking every evening, I have broken that pattern,

DD at this early point anything positive is a good thing. breaking that pattern is a start. it helps us believe we cando it. we need to move on from this pattern but not drinking everyday is a good step forward.

one of the hardest things we can do is change the mindset of negativity. think it enough, you believe it. turn it on its head and see a positive in everything. think you cant do it? (theres negativity for you!) you just did ^ up there.

[roxane]

New Life

beautiful avatar ava!