New Life

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

I hate myself, have done it again. Full of guilt, despair and fear

[available]

New Life

DD do you have al in the house? I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this shit but until you really click with not drinking i found it never happened to me. I dont know but something clicked in my brain that i could just not drink anymore, maybe i was sick of the day 1's.

I had a plan when i stopped and that was to stop. Daily i said to myself "i will not drink". Not detouring past the bottle shop when coming home from work when truly that was all i wanted to do. Not giving into the al brain at all, that was the hardest part. Changing my routine to do the shopping in the morning before the bottleshop was open.

I also thought of al as a dear friend, well my best friend really and they died. I had to mourn losing something that was very important to me, a part of my life, a constant, a best friend, a lover. I had to realise that i had to let al go and grieve.

I feared giving up also, petrified is probably a better word, the word NEVER. Never being able to drink, never having the company of al, never being able to drink. I also feared al would kill me.

DD dont hate yourself, hate al. I wish i could take this from you but i cant but we are here for you.

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

That was such a nice message thanks Ava.
I really do want to stop, no alcohol in house. I am sick of all of this. Want to talk so will pm you right now hope that is ok DD x

[lead366]

New Life

Darkest Diamond;1629704 wrote: That was such a nice message thanks Ava.
I really do want to stop, no alcohol in house. I am sick of all of this. Want to talk so will pm you right now hope that is ok DD x

DD?.....Relax....you will figure this out.......AL is not your friend. Try and think how you can get in a gratitude mindset regarding sobriety.....visualizing how good you will feel in such a short period. I finally made progress once I REALLY REALLY believed that I was losing NOTHING...but gaining everything.

It takes a few tries...like riding a bike....and We all have stumbled .

Its just a stumble DD...You will make it work!

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

lead 366, sadly it is not just a stumble, this week I should have been sober all week as have had the week off from work. Usually without work I can stay alcohol free.

I agree about the gratitude thing. At the moment I feel overwhelmed by everything:- work, storm damage to home, complex ongoing insurance claims, a myriad of computer issues, health things (unrelated to drinking) weakness from so much drinking. Full of fear.

I did so well at Christmas time and for the first few days of January, thirteen days solid, felt so proud.I would love to get back to that state again.
DD xx

[spiderwoman]

New Life

Hi DD, sorry you're going through this crap, one thing Byrdy wrote that stuck in my mind at the start and that was not to drink "at" things - like having a drink to cope with the frustration of everyday life. Then I realised I also used wine as a reward, when I've cleaned the kitchen I can have a glass of wine, I deserve one, you get the idea?

Its so, so easy to go for the bottle when something really pisses you off but its only you gets hurt.

Al is very crafty, it'll try to trip you up all the time, but that's all its done, temporarily tripped you up so no need to beat yourself up

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

I must believe in myself that I can do this, if I don't believe in myself I won't be able to do it. Sadly I am struggling to believe in my own strength.

[lead366]

New Life

Yup---only a stumble my friend. I remember when I was soooo overwhelmed with the smallest things...Every molehill?......seemed like a mountain. It would take me 4-5 days to get the gander up to take my car through a car wash. lol

Maybe just look at one problem at a time......and not take all of them on at once. As Im sure you know...AL..just makes these life issues get worse. Be kind to yourself......I know you will get there again.

I was soooooo loaded with fear before....I was looking out my windows by carefully peeling back the curtain.

Keep trying...the traction comes soon!

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Thank you Spiderwoman for your message, yes I do keep drinking at situations and it is not helping. I do need to change this attitude, in addition to this I have snapped and roared at people I love (shudder) shouting away about my problems.

I wish I could go away and lie under a palm tree on a beach and come back and everything be ok again. (but even if I went away I would take myself with me!!) so real problems would not be solved!

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

lead366
Looking at one thing at a time is a good idea. I have so much to do I don't know where to start. I have started on everything and done all I can for the time being re house and storm damage. Also done lots to sort out computer, today will do more on that, also today will apologise to two family members that I have snapped at and cried down the phone too . Have so much work to do will make a list. I think I have been drinking to block things out but it has not worked, what works is not drinking and taking steps (however small) to sort everything out.

[lead366]

New Life

Great idea!........Yes...small steps.

Step #1...Be good to yourself and coach yourself along...gently!

I know you will sort this through....take deep stomach breaths...its all good.

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Healing

I need to allow myself to heal, do healing things, I feel like I am bumping along on a rollercoaster ride, I am isolating so much. Little healing things are stroking my neighbour's cat she is so beautiful, also buying flowers and looking closely at them, walking, spending time with my family, need to do more of all of this sort of thing.( I am so grateful for this forum)

[Guitarista]

New Life

Darkest Diamond;1629735 wrote: I need to allow myself to heal, do healing things, I feel like I am bumping along on a rollercoaster ride, I am isolating so much. Little healing things are stroking my neighbour's cat she is so beautiful, also buying flowers and looking closely at them, walking, spending time with my family, need to do more of all of this sort of thing.( I am so grateful for this forum)

Hiya DD,

I hear you so loud and clearly friend. I'm walking with you, albeit from the other side of the world.

Things can get overwhelming when we're feeling fragile. Break your tasks way down, and tackle what you can handle, bit by bit, a little each day. Don't stress, you can do a little bit each day. Do whatever you can handle today, no matter how small. Just do your best.

Take it easy, G bloke.

[Darkest Diamond]

New Life

Thanks Guitarista
Apart from all the support of this forum I really love the way we are all scatttered all round the world. On work related forums I only communicate with people from England, but here it is Australia, New Zealand, America, South Africa it shows the pull that alcohol has!!

[Guitarista]

New Life

Darkest Diamond;1629770 wrote:
On work related forums I only communicate with people from England, but here it is Australia, New Zealand, America, South Africa it shows the pull that alcohol has!!

Yep, booze knows no boundaries.

Have a peaceful weekend mate and take care of you.