What a weird and almost crappy day yesterday......and almost a relapse.
Im going to write down a few latent triggers I experienced yesterday that almost led to relapse. They say that the making of a relapse happens far before the actual drink. Well?....I think I get it since it may have happened to me yesterday,
Had a nice morning...nice weather....healthy breakfast....had a swim and felt fine.
After a nice balanced lunch, I ate a large chocolate bar...which I did not need. Hmmmmm??
After a long nap...which I did not need ( Chocolate).......I was a tad guilty since my healthy diet was compromised and guilt was there.
Here is where HALT appeared. I was alone all day and feeling lonely. I made the stupid mistake of replying to an old GF text (who is very toxic for me)...and we started a chat. It ended with her telling me to FO....and I obliged. She is soooooo not right for me and I have refused my therapist's advice to cut her out of my life. This FO comment was my perfect invite for escape ( Co-dependence?...Ummm --like--Duh!)
Now Im ANGRY....How dare she say this to me...my feelings are hurt and I feel like texting her big time. I refuse to and just stew on it and I blocked her.
Time for dinner...and getting ready a lovely well balanced and healthy meal. Heres where hunger comes into play.........Turns out my protein portion of the meal is not quite right for cooking......and I have nothing else to eat. Im disgusted and out of options....plus Im getting very hungry...plus Im angry...plus Im lonely.
Stupid me decides to go out and order this huge steak meal with mashed potatoes ( a no-no for my diet).....and the steak was 16 oz. I had no crave for any alcohol but during dinner saw everyone else...EVERYONE!!!...drinking. Combined with my loneliness I started to re-cant days of old.....finished my incredible meal like a dog!...and limped home.
Once home I check my phone to find a horrid and distasteful text from HER.....and even though its pure BS...I let it get to me but do not respond.....well.....I kinda responded this way......I ate 3/4 pint of ice cream.
Sloth-like on my sofa......fiddling with the remote only to find?....NOTHING ON TV.....I retire early and finally get to sleep---only to wake up two hours later......but was able to get back to sleep. After two incredibly weird and colorful dreams...here I am--awake---bloated....guilty...full of shame..still lonely...and my tummy feels...ummm? Non-competitive...lol
The moral for me was this.....I slipped in my recovery plan.....and almost relapsed
HALT played a part...
I was lonely...and reached for the absolute wrong person
I was angry with this decision...
I was hungary and reached for comfort food.
I then became tired of all the above.
Even though I did not drink------ I could hear the bells from a distance.
So?....I managed a decent sleep.....and I get a fresh view today.....my "one day at a time" today will flush that steak and ice cream out of me...and thank my lucky stars I learned something.
I need to learn to trust that if I stay vigilant on my TOTAL recovery plan that includes diet.....my chances for relapse falls dramatically. I invited triggers into my life that led to HALT....as follows
#1....I did not have proper planning in place for my nutrition...there was no back-up and as such...I opted for convenience and comfort food.
#2....My loneliness caused me to reach out to MS. Dangerous...Bad idea.
#3....I did not assess my anger properly...and allowed a toxic person to control my feelings.
But?....I learn from this and move forward with carrying out my plan and trusting that a total holistic approach is the best for me. At least Im safe...with safe friends here at MWO....and still AF....Yayyyyyyy
Yup...this beast has a clever way of clawing back...not today beast!
Im going to write down a few latent triggers I experienced yesterday that almost led to relapse. They say that the making of a relapse happens far before the actual drink. Well?....I think I get it since it may have happened to me yesterday,
Had a nice morning...nice weather....healthy breakfast....had a swim and felt fine.
After a nice balanced lunch, I ate a large chocolate bar...which I did not need. Hmmmmm??
After a long nap...which I did not need ( Chocolate).......I was a tad guilty since my healthy diet was compromised and guilt was there.
Here is where HALT appeared. I was alone all day and feeling lonely. I made the stupid mistake of replying to an old GF text (who is very toxic for me)...and we started a chat. It ended with her telling me to FO....and I obliged. She is soooooo not right for me and I have refused my therapist's advice to cut her out of my life. This FO comment was my perfect invite for escape ( Co-dependence?...Ummm --like--Duh!)
Now Im ANGRY....How dare she say this to me...my feelings are hurt and I feel like texting her big time. I refuse to and just stew on it and I blocked her.
Time for dinner...and getting ready a lovely well balanced and healthy meal. Heres where hunger comes into play.........Turns out my protein portion of the meal is not quite right for cooking......and I have nothing else to eat. Im disgusted and out of options....plus Im getting very hungry...plus Im angry...plus Im lonely.
Stupid me decides to go out and order this huge steak meal with mashed potatoes ( a no-no for my diet).....and the steak was 16 oz. I had no crave for any alcohol but during dinner saw everyone else...EVERYONE!!!...drinking. Combined with my loneliness I started to re-cant days of old.....finished my incredible meal like a dog!...and limped home.
Once home I check my phone to find a horrid and distasteful text from HER.....and even though its pure BS...I let it get to me but do not respond.....well.....I kinda responded this way......I ate 3/4 pint of ice cream.
Sloth-like on my sofa......fiddling with the remote only to find?....NOTHING ON TV.....I retire early and finally get to sleep---only to wake up two hours later......but was able to get back to sleep. After two incredibly weird and colorful dreams...here I am--awake---bloated....guilty...full of shame..still lonely...and my tummy feels...ummm? Non-competitive...lol
The moral for me was this.....I slipped in my recovery plan.....and almost relapsed
HALT played a part...
I was lonely...and reached for the absolute wrong person
I was angry with this decision...
I was hungary and reached for comfort food.
I then became tired of all the above.
Even though I did not drink------ I could hear the bells from a distance.
So?....I managed a decent sleep.....and I get a fresh view today.....my "one day at a time" today will flush that steak and ice cream out of me...and thank my lucky stars I learned something.
I need to learn to trust that if I stay vigilant on my TOTAL recovery plan that includes diet.....my chances for relapse falls dramatically. I invited triggers into my life that led to HALT....as follows
#1....I did not have proper planning in place for my nutrition...there was no back-up and as such...I opted for convenience and comfort food.
#2....My loneliness caused me to reach out to MS. Dangerous...Bad idea.
#3....I did not assess my anger properly...and allowed a toxic person to control my feelings.
But?....I learn from this and move forward with carrying out my plan and trusting that a total holistic approach is the best for me. At least Im safe...with safe friends here at MWO....and still AF....Yayyyyyyy
Yup...this beast has a clever way of clawing back...not today beast!
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