I did a bit of rambling the other day. I didn't know if I was going to post it but then thought, what the heck...
It's a little long but just wanted to air it out there...for my own minds sake.
I am coming up on thirty days. This has been my 2nd longest time sober in about 4-5 years.
I remember the last time I went 30 days and it was a bit of a struggle to say the least. This time it feels a lot different but I don't want to push it.
But it does...I can't deny that.
My cravings aren't as strong as they were about two years ago when I tried 30 days...then I struggled through each day.
This time I wake up looking forward to each day. I look forward to the things that I can accomplish while sober.
And when I do struggle with cravings I remember how shitty I feel after that first drink. Guilty. Tired.
I feel the hint of how crappy it'll be if I start all over again and I am than able to avoid it.
I love going to bed sober. This is one of the things I definitely look forward to. I love being able to read all the books that I have now and remember what it is that I read!
I love that I am losing weight (slowly but surely).
That I can retain more information now that I am not perpetually drunk.
I don't want to go back to daily drinking now knowing how much damage I was causing my brain. My mind. My body.
I now have more time to do things. Spend time with my partner. My puppies who need me (I was there for them before sure, but never "there"). I can study for school with the extra time I now have. I can make better food choices. I feel more energetic and awake - although I have days where I am just exhausted but I am okay with that.
I can remember movies, conversations, emails, arguments and everything else without drawing a blank when thinking back on it because I no longer have black outs.
I CAN survive without booze. I don't NEED it. I don't. I can have fun without it. Why is drinking fun anymore?? I only drank because I felt that (small) thrill of that first drink. That warmth when I had that first drink but after that first drink I couldn't get that feeling back anymore and so I just drank more and more. I drank to get rid of my anxiety and sadness where the next day I only felt a helluva lot worse. I am able to deal with my emotions properly now and in healthier ways.
What a waste of time it was trying to figure out my next fix. It really was. When I was drinking I didn't think of anything else because I was numb to it all and only drank more and when I wasn't drinking I only thought more about drinking and how I am going to afford more booze or how I will get it. What a waste of life.
I won't lie. I do think about it every day. I drank for years. When I see people drinking or talking about drinking that voice creeps up and tries to convince me that I am doing good and I obviously have no problem but I did and I do or else I wouldn't be here in the first place.
I simply wouldn't be writing on forums, or seeing counsellors or journaling about my drinking if I didn't have a problem.
I have come to realize that you can deal with life without booze. Booze doesn't make the world go round and it doesn't add to the fun. It only blurs and makes you forget.
You are so much more INVOLVED with life and with the world without drinking.
I still have a long road ahead of me. But I don't need this stupid booze. If I keep drinking I will destroy my life. I won't get to where I want to go because booze will be my only goal or aspiration while actively drinking. I don't want to manipulate my way of thinking or rewire my brain in this way to think that alcohol is the be all and end all. I want to experience life. Not float through it.
And if I go back to booze that's all I would be doing. All the negatives. All the insane things that make no sense to people who don't have this addiction.
My family deserves better. My partner deserves better. My dogs deserve better and most of all I deserve better.
It's a little long but just wanted to air it out there...for my own minds sake.
I am coming up on thirty days. This has been my 2nd longest time sober in about 4-5 years.
I remember the last time I went 30 days and it was a bit of a struggle to say the least. This time it feels a lot different but I don't want to push it.
But it does...I can't deny that.
My cravings aren't as strong as they were about two years ago when I tried 30 days...then I struggled through each day.
This time I wake up looking forward to each day. I look forward to the things that I can accomplish while sober.
And when I do struggle with cravings I remember how shitty I feel after that first drink. Guilty. Tired.
I feel the hint of how crappy it'll be if I start all over again and I am than able to avoid it.
I love going to bed sober. This is one of the things I definitely look forward to. I love being able to read all the books that I have now and remember what it is that I read!
I love that I am losing weight (slowly but surely).
That I can retain more information now that I am not perpetually drunk.
I don't want to go back to daily drinking now knowing how much damage I was causing my brain. My mind. My body.
I now have more time to do things. Spend time with my partner. My puppies who need me (I was there for them before sure, but never "there"). I can study for school with the extra time I now have. I can make better food choices. I feel more energetic and awake - although I have days where I am just exhausted but I am okay with that.
I can remember movies, conversations, emails, arguments and everything else without drawing a blank when thinking back on it because I no longer have black outs.
I CAN survive without booze. I don't NEED it. I don't. I can have fun without it. Why is drinking fun anymore?? I only drank because I felt that (small) thrill of that first drink. That warmth when I had that first drink but after that first drink I couldn't get that feeling back anymore and so I just drank more and more. I drank to get rid of my anxiety and sadness where the next day I only felt a helluva lot worse. I am able to deal with my emotions properly now and in healthier ways.
What a waste of time it was trying to figure out my next fix. It really was. When I was drinking I didn't think of anything else because I was numb to it all and only drank more and when I wasn't drinking I only thought more about drinking and how I am going to afford more booze or how I will get it. What a waste of life.
I won't lie. I do think about it every day. I drank for years. When I see people drinking or talking about drinking that voice creeps up and tries to convince me that I am doing good and I obviously have no problem but I did and I do or else I wouldn't be here in the first place.
I simply wouldn't be writing on forums, or seeing counsellors or journaling about my drinking if I didn't have a problem.
I have come to realize that you can deal with life without booze. Booze doesn't make the world go round and it doesn't add to the fun. It only blurs and makes you forget.
You are so much more INVOLVED with life and with the world without drinking.
I still have a long road ahead of me. But I don't need this stupid booze. If I keep drinking I will destroy my life. I won't get to where I want to go because booze will be my only goal or aspiration while actively drinking. I don't want to manipulate my way of thinking or rewire my brain in this way to think that alcohol is the be all and end all. I want to experience life. Not float through it.
And if I go back to booze that's all I would be doing. All the negatives. All the insane things that make no sense to people who don't have this addiction.
My family deserves better. My partner deserves better. My dogs deserve better and most of all I deserve better.
Agree with Ava---We have to grab this new lifestyle with both hands!!
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