I need help

[SA]

Right, I'm sitting in a hotel room right now - overseas for work. I've just finished a bottle of sparkling wine and I am moving on to a 3l wine box I bought last night and half finished then. I drink in secret at home - concealing alcohol in anything I can. I have been caught by my husband who is always suspicious, but I always manage to make an excuse or reform enough that it's forgotten. Usually he asks me not to drink on Friday nights as he is convinced (or I have convinced him that getting drunk is related to being tired after work). I guess I am a functioning alcoholic as I hold down responsible positions and no one has ever noticed, though going to work to teach hungover has been excruciating at times.

I can "not drink". But more and more as others have said I get acute anxiety when I drink that is relieved by drinking. Nightmares, panic attacks, feelings of inadequacy.

I abused alcohol from an early age and it has got worse.

We are planning to come and live in the country I am now working in, but everything seems impossible at the moment like I've made crazy decisions and promises that will never work and just end up overwhelming us.

Last month when I was away I ended up texting a best friend and saying I was really anxious and having a bad time. She was really concerned but I ended up lying to her and saying I had been to my doctor and got medication to help.

Crikey...what is this thing

[K9Lover]

I need help

Welcome SA!

What is this thing? It's addiction. And it's alcohol LYING to you telling you that it can "fix" your anxiety, panic attacks and feelings of inadequacy. The truth is, alcohol CAUSES all of this. Are you able to stop drinking for the rest of today? Remember how BAD a hangover feels. We do understand how you feel, we've all been there! Keep posting so we can get to know you!

K9

[SA]

I need help

I just want to blot everything out and when I start I can't stop. It's just so nice not feeling anything. When I don't drink I feel normal and in control but I lapse back into wanting to just blank everything out. I'm timing my phonecalls back home so they're when I have had a couple of drinks but I am still coherent. Things are particularly bad at the moment because my dog (you sign as K9lover so I assume you are a dog person) had a cancer operation and concurrently was diagnosed with heart failure, and our plans to move to where we want to be are riddled with complications.

[mama bear]

I need help

Thinking of you SA and offering any support I can. We have all been where you are and life is so much better without AL abuse. I promise. And I am sorry for your doggy.

[SA]

I need help

mama bear;1639183 wrote: Thinking of you SA and offering any support I can. We have all been where you are and life is so much better without AL abuse. I promise. And I am sorry for your doggy.

Thanks Mama Bear, but right now it all feels impossible. My friend has suggested I go to my doctor and ask for an SSRI treatment that she has been on for years -I have been treated for anxiety in the past and have all the symptoms again. But I don't feel up to going to the doctor and talking about alcohol, I know I'll just lie.

[SA]

I need help

Does anyone else get extreme fatigue and leg aches?

[Rahulthesweet]

I need help

Hi SA,

Your post reminds me of myself as I was just about 6 months back. I too was sitting in one of theae hotel rooms drinking at night ... it hit me that I need AL ro sleep ... and drinking was no fun anymore. I already new AL.was wrong thibg in myself by life and I need to do something about.

Next this I know i was readng post, watching lots of youtube videos and planing my sobriety.

It took a while but I managed AF for about a month and am again 24 days sober,

You are at the right place. Stay in newbies Nest share your thoughts and stop drinking. First week is tough but then it gets easier.

Remember we all are like you hand have done terrible things for having AL. And its not worth continuing like with AL.

[SA]

I need help

Yep! Last evening I went to sleep and woke up just in time to phone home. I then drank and woke up anxious in the middle of the night. I stayed in bed until late morning and did not do the work I should ave done. Taking an age to type this as I have had too much wine...

[mama bear]

I need help

been there ,done that sweetie!!

[treetops]

I need help

Welcome to MWO. I think it's time for a wake up call. Yes, do see your doctor about your anxiety but do come clean about your drinking. Why hide it from the dr? You sound like an intelligent person and you will know very well that it's time to get checked out. And that means blood tests, liver tests etc. You may be functioning and timing your telephone calls to hide it from your family but you can't hide the drinking from yourself.

I have been there believe me. Also functioned well even with the drinking. But I operate much better now and I love the honesty as well as the better health. AL breeds anxiety and anxiety breeds reaching for the bottle. You may need extra medication but first come clean with your drinking to your dr. If you can't do this with your present dr get a new one. I realise this is complicated because you are moving countries but it's doable.
You have identified the crux of your problems- AL and addiction. That's really important. Now break it down into manageable steps to deal with it. First step. Quit.

[SA]

I need help

treetops;1639226 wrote: And that means blood tests, liver tests etc. .

At the moment, I don't want to go through that stuff and to be honest, I don't want to know. I'll talk to my doctor, but I don't want anything done.

[TJAF]

I need help

SA you don't need to think about anything right now. Just concentrate on stopping where you are rout now with drinking. Get rid of what you have. Drink a whole lot water and get some sleep. Tomorrow you can start on your plan to stop. I know that's what you want...why else post here. You'll find a welcoming supportive group here. Try and sleep and make sure you check in tomorrow. This isn't easy but boy is it worth it.

[Pavati]

I need help

Hi, SA:

The anxiety gets SO much better with no drinking. It gets very bad at first and then SO MUCH BETTER.

Your doctor is there to help, not judge, and s/he can help you figure out a plan.

Have you stopped drinking now? Can you? My husband sat with me for one very anxious evening, and I took baths, drank a ton and posted here. You can do this, and it will all be so much more clear when you are not drinking.

Pav

[Pavati]

I need help

Drank a ton of water that is...

[Marylou123]

I need help

GMAE All,

SA, how are you doing today? I hope you are ready to kick AL in the arse (I think that is an Austrailan term - LOL.)

I know your angst about having med tests done. I put it off for YEARS! Too embarrassed/humiliated to come clean with the doctor, plus, like you, I didn't want to know the damage my years and years of binge drinking had done to my body. That embarrassed/humiliated feeling went away after just five days AF. I was able to face that fear once my thinking wasn't clouded by massive quantities of wine. I made an appt with the doc to have all the tests done. Before I went I sent her an email "coming clean'. I told her about my drinking and that I wanted to quit. I was very anxious as I typed that note. I felt like I was opening Pandoras Box when I hit the Send button.

Next to joining MWO, seeing the doctor was one of the smartest decisions I've ever made. That was nearly two months ago. I am very grateful and very fortunate that, other than slightly elevated blood sugar, my results were all within the "normal" range. I take a multi-vitamin and milk thistle everyday. There are a lot of options for using supplements to help your body heal within the forum threads and in the MWO book. (You can download the book - click Health Store tab.)

I wish you success and peace as you face this - but know you are not alone. We are all here to help each other and the support is amazing. I never thought I could stop drinking; I never wanted to...until I did. It's not easy to kick this lover out after so many years but, boy oh boy, am I glad I did.

My sobriety is young. It's my baby that I will nourish, educate, grow and love as I move forward. I will protect it with my life. My fellow MWOers will continue to provide support and friendship as we all face this beast. (Oh, it's so much better fighting this with an army of support at your back rather than all alone.)

Please join us.