Tired...and frustrated

[Just A Gal]

I've replied to some threads, but haven't tried posting my own. I can never seem to find where I have replied and if someone else has replied to my comment...make sense? Anyway, I just finished the book last night and was feeling very hopeful. Had a full, productive day...and then went to the Elks to see my dad. Well, 3 vodka/sodas later (which were definitely stronger than they should have been) and I was home by 7:00 in bed by 8:00...and now up at 2:00 a.m. I didn't drink at all for about 6 months, then drank moderately for another 4 to 5 months. Now I'm back to drinking every day, and I don't enjoy it. If I could stop at one drink, I'd be so much happier with myself. I don't enjoy how I feel after 2 or 3, I usually just go to bed. I can think to myself all day long, "Ok, tonight I'm only going to have 1 drink, then water," but haven't been successful with that line of thinking. I'm going to make an appt. with my naturopath tomorrow (well I guess it's today now) to discuss what I've learned in the book and work out a plan. I know this site will be crucial to my own recovery, and I thank everyone here who shares their thoughts and processes to getting/staying sober.:thanks::new:

[available]

Tired...and frustrated

JAG if we could all stop at one drink i dont think MWO would exist. Al slowly crept up on me until it nearly took over my life. I cant moderate, i cant have one or two drinks as much as i would like to. what i do know is that i can never drink again. Just take it one day at a time. My motto was "today i will not drink" and i said that 1000 times a day. I also posted on here like a lunatic for the first few weeks as there was no way i wanted to drink and i havent and life is great now. Pick a day to go af and start from there. I have a plan and that is not to drink. i find if i over plan then i am set to fail. Be gentle with yourself above all else, things can wait. Avoid situations where you think you are tempted to drink, i still do that at over 100 days as i am still in recovery but nothing will take this quit away from me and i will not drink AT anyone as that only hurts me.

Good luck and keep posting.

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

Thanks for the supportive thoughts, Available. An issue I have, and I'm sure this is going to sound like an excuse, is I love hanging out with my dad, who is 77, and where he hangs out is the Elks and Moose Clubs. I've been successful before hanging out with him and not drinking, but that was after I had a bout of pancreatitis and thought it'd come back right away if I drank. I've lost several family members over the past few years, and want to spend as much time with him as possible. My husband's also a drinker, and our lifestyle is bars. Again, though, I managed for quite some time to go out and do fine without drinking. It pisses me off that I just can't seem to get to that place in my mind again.

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

How do you get a signature, by the way? In your posts...

[available]

Tired...and frustrated

Go to USER CP - top left and "edit signature" too easy as even i can do that.

It is hard avoiding situations but maybe change the venue for the first few weeks and tell your dad you are giving up al and why. he would have to be happy about that. My ex's were all drinkers and now i am single, not for lack of trying when i was drunk lol.

I think i just got to that point where i was pushing my children away as al had become way more important and that was when i knew i had to keep going or stop so i stopped and to change my whole attitude as to why i did not want to drink. It was so hard to do and so many times i had my car keys in my hand and so many times i walked to the door and turned around but i did not get in my car. So many times i drove home from work and argued with myself about going to the bottleshop and giving myself reasons of why i deserved a drink but i got home and out of my car and straight into my pjs so i did not leave again. i spent so many days in my pjs as i knew i would not be bothered to get changed and go out. went shopping in the mornings and changed my whole routine. If you want to you can JAG but i would definitely avoid those bars/pubs etc until you feel stronger. The more af time you get the less pissed off you will be. Keep posting on here. I will bump a thread "you know you are an alcoholic when", it is an amusing read and sad but funny stories. I also watched a lot of al doco's on youtube and al movies.

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

I edited my signature...we'll see if it works. I understand what you're saying about changing venues, but it won't happen. Just being honest. And my goal right now, which may change, is to become a moderate drinker. I don't have kids, though I have two dogs and two cats that are like my kids, and I'm a teacher (3rd grade). My drinking, right now, is really only causing problems within myself. I can be, and have been, a very angry drunk, towards my husband mainly, and refuse to go there again. I posted elsewhere...now I just get drunk and go to bed. Which my husband doesn't like, because he handles al so much 'better' than I do, and he can drink so much more. But mainly, the biggest problem right now is I'm in bed by 8 or 9...I'm going to tell myself over and over "I choose not to drink."

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

Monday

I posted this on Anon's thread (poor gal having to listen to all this) and then posted more on another thread, but lost it. So I'm putting it here too because it explains some pretty important stuff going on with me.

Often, I don't know how to respond or deal with my husband if I'm not drinking, so I drink. I use it as an excuse NOT to deal with him, because I often just get super tired and go to bed. I'm very concerned how this program and my participation in it will affect my husband...how he'll deal with it and how supportive he'll be. He's really a loving, generous man who loves me to pieces, but he can be very 'caveman-ish' in his beliefs.

I have just barely begun this journey, I made an appointment with my doc today but won't see her for about two weeks. I've always dealt with anxiety/depression and have tried several different meds: Wellbutrin, Celexa and the last was Zoloft. My husband didn't understand why I "needed to take a drug to feel ok" and it didn't matter how many research studies I sited or my own knowledge of the brain (I'm not super smart, but have a BA in psych and a Masters in Teaching so I know some stuff) I couldn't get through to him. He'd actually get angry with me for being on meds, especially when he was drinking (he drinks a lot, but gets a break when he's working 12 hour graveyard shifts). I'd also lost a lot of weight, maybe a bit too much, but not terrible...and during the rant he was having about me being on Zoloft he was also ranting about me 'being a bag of bones that he didn't like to touch'. I explained I was feeling really good about myself and was happy with my body, but I was talking to a brick wall. This all happened one night in June when I was sober and he was drunk. I told him the next morning, when he was sober, that I couldn't deal with his...I don't know what to call it...irrational thoughts. I was, and have been doing everything I can to be healthy. I've gone through a bout of pancreatitis, after which I completely quit al for about 6 months, then a doc told me I could drink 'moderately' and be ok. So I did, for about 5 more months. And I'd have no more than 2 glasses of Merlot (I was a heavy vodka drinker before) a night, when I did drink. Once I realized I wasn't going to get sick like before, the drinking progressed and I got hit with Ulcerative Colitis. The cause is unknown, so I felt I could keep drinking wine. Well, now I have the hardest time NOT having 2..or 3..or more sometimes glasses of wine a night. I didn't drink for 3 days last week, but it was a struggle and I just stayed home while hubby was at work. As soon as I went out to have dinner with my dad...guess what? I'm also taking Rhodiola and 5HTP as well as Organic Lithium, Folic Acid, Vitamin D and weekly B shots. It truly has helped with my anxiety/depression and I'm off the Zoloft, which I didn't like taking anyway. I find it curious that during my time of not drinking, my anxiety went through the roof, and I've read several times (and believe it) that the drinking causes much of the anxiety. That was also before the supplements though, too. Like I said, I'm meeting with my doc to discuss what she thinks will work best for me. I'm going to get the CDs that RJ recommends, though I don't know how I'll fit that much time into listening to them in the schedule she recommends (any advice would be appreciated), and really talk it over with my doc about the Topa. I haven't read much about baclofen, but I've seen it a few times on here. I'll ask about that too. I just don't think the cognitive SE will mesh well with being a teacher. We're not out of school until towards the end of June, but I need to get something started. What steps, right now, would you all recommend I start with? In the book, RJ says it's important to pick a time to start this program where I can be focused and extremely committed...not sure during the school year is a good time for that. But we're leaving for Alaska to my husband's class reunion as soon as I get out of school, and I'm feeling pressure to get something started. Maybe just the "Hypnotic" CD and supplements for now? I already exercise (walk or yoga) 3 or 4 times a week. Thanks for listening, like you have a choiceI really want to do this...my biggest concern right now is how it'll all go over with my husband. Any advice or tips on any of this is greatly appreciated! :thanks:

[little beagle]

Tired...and frustrated

Just A Gal I am going to be honest with you. I quit drinking while my hubby still drank. No it wasn't easy, but I did it because I hated where I was in life, how I acted when I drank, what it was doing to my health......the list goes on. It is the best thing I ever did for myself. My hubby is 4 months behind me af. I am a happy non-drinker and I guess it inspired him. I stuck to it. Put my foot down and said this is for me.
If I can do it, you can. :welcome:

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

Thank you for the encouraging words, lb...love your profile pic, btw. It was hard, but got easier when I quit before...but I quit because I thought I had to. The pain I went through with the pancreatitis was terrible, and I didn't want to go through it again. So that made it much easier not to drink. I almost find myself wishing I'd have another bout with it. Maybe the reminder would be the kick in the butt I need. I do think my hubby would follow suit, eventually. But I have to admit I worry that I'll lose him, or our relationship as it's been so far, over this. It's a pretty big change.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Tired...and frustrated

Welcome Just a Gal!

I'm just a gal too, but perhaps if I rewind my life, you may see some similarities with your life.

I have 4 kids between the ages of 16 and 26. I silently suspected I had a drinking "issue" about 5 years ago, but I did not want to address it, because then I'd have to look at my daily routine - the casual glass of wine for me (translate: bottle), and the cocktail for my husband (translate: 10 shots blended with diet coke). My oldest child had the guts to quietly tell me that I was embarrassing her younger brother, so I looked at my behavior, and at how he had stopped inviting his friends over.... and I realized she was right. We would cleverly use the kids as our designated driver, so we were being socially responsible, right? Hmmm, was my behavior impacting my children?

My latest wake up call was a couple of months ago, when my 28 year old niece checked herself in for detox (I think she had a BAC of .32! ).... but when she found out her insurance wouldn't cover the treatment, she promptly checked herself back out- she said that she could "moderate".... hey! I thought, I'm an old Pro at failing to moderate!

My uncle retired as a drug/alcohol counselor, and in his experience, when a person admits to his/herself that he/she may have a problem, it takes about 7 years for the person to find the strength to CHANGE it. In retrospect, that's about how long it took me- and while there were certainly many happy, fun times over the last 7 years, there have been sadly many foggy mornings, lost memories, hurt feelings, followed by silent recriminations and false promises that I've made to myself (with no intentions of keeping).

I'm finally ready, Just a Gal. Like you, I was frustrated and tired. But this time, I have the strength that I didn't have 5 years ago. :h

The truth is that your Dad probably doesn't encourage you to drink. His pals at the bar really don't care either, and the only one who would know is the bartender.... you can choose to have a Vodka/Cranberry with a twist of lime, or a Cranberry/Seltzer with a twist. Or you can choose to alternate between the two.

It IS terrifying to think that you will make a behavior change and lose your soul mate. It is my biggest fear. Like Little Beagle, I've taken this step alone, and my husband is begrudgingly following me. Trust me, it's scary to think that at the end of this alcohol free journey, we may not like each other? Then what? On the other hand, we might like each other better?

Lastly, while you don't have your own kids, I can tell you that everyone of my kids can name their 3rd grade teacher- you are making an impact in their little hearts, and I'm sure you love them as your own. :l

Be patient with yourself, but if you are really tired and frustrated, and if you are looking for ways to change, we are ready to listen. :groupluv:

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

Wow, thank you so much, Happy Life! I do see myself in you, especially in your comments about your husband. I just fear that I'll be so different from the person he married, he won't want to be with me...or vice versa. I do know I have a VERY difficult time being around him when he's drunk, or even tipsy. Right now, my way of handling that is getting a drink myself. But I've been through this...stayed completely sober while he was driving me absolutely bonkers. I know I can handle it, but it was a lot of work. Also, learning that he is not a reflection of me, especially when we're out, is a huge step. I'm not there yet, but getting there. It's just funny, like when I wasn't drinking, the bartender and waitresses were so taken aback that I didn't want a drink...even saying, "Really? Are you sure?" Drinking's such a pervasive part of society, especially in my world. My husband was 'blaming' my drinking on me hanging out with my dad so much, because of where he hangs out I think. But I drink, usually more, even when I'm home by myself. And if I were to hang out with friends, it'd be at a different bar.
I lost my mom in 2000 when I was 29, and a couple years before that lost my brother to a life sentence in prison due to the 3 Strikes law. He was a heavy drug addict, and a terrible person when high. Mom was a pretty heavy drinker, especially 'back in the day' with my dad. Dad was a bartender, Mom was a barmaid when they met. They both bartended in the town where I live now. I don't remember anything horrible from my childhood (except for some of my brother's tirades) but have been told by my then neighbors that I'd come over in the evening to get out of the house or that they weren't home very often when I was fairly young. I do remember having lots of babysitters. Anyway, my older half sister (Mom's daughter) died about a year after Mom...not really sure of what. She was heavily into drugs much of her life as well, mainly heroin. I quit talking to her after one broken promise too many and after she abandoned her husband and 3 boys. I'm not looking for sympathy, it's just life and the hand we were dealt.
I'm very strong, but don't feel so strong when it comes to this. I'm basically pissed I'm in this situation at all, but the only one who can fix me is me. With a lot of help!
I ordered the hypnosis CDs tonight, and you probably read I'll see my doctor in a couple of weeks. I won't try any new supps yet, because I don't know how they'll mix with what I'm taking already. You know what's funny? About 6 months ago my naturopath had me taking L-glutamine, and I noticed then I wasn't as attracted to drinking. But, it was also causing a certain excitatory neurotransmitter in my brain to elevate...which was causing anxiety. We aren't certain the L-glut was the culprit, but the neurotransmitter is also called gluta-something, so I quit using it. Now I feel I should have taken the neuro test again after quitting to see if it really was causing the elevated levels.
As for teaching, my 3rd grade teacher is why I'm a 3rd grade teacher...I loved her so much! And my students are my kids, even after they move on. I tell their parents that at conference time each year. I truly love and care for each of them, though some I don't like so much. LOL But it's a very stressful profession, and tie that in with an addictive personality like mine...not good. But thank you very much for the reminder that some people out there realize teachers are important and do make a difference...if you listen to the media, we're the cause of all that's bad in America.
But I'm positive I'll be ok. Thank you again, and congrats on being AF. (I actually argued with myself, walked in and out my front door a few times because I was going to get a bottle of wine...but now it's pretty late and there's no way I'm going to town now. After all, I have 28 little critters to deal with tomorrow! I poured myself some tea instead.)
Good night! Hope to talk with you again!:thanks::good:

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

one day AF

Ok, I made it one day! I feel like crap this morning though, as if I DID drink 3 glasses of wine! Didn't go to be until after midnight, and then don't feel like I really slept...now have a hell of a headache. Is this a withdrawal symptom?
I'm going to make it another day. The tough time for me is about an hour or two after I get home from work, that's when I want to sit and have that relaxing glass of wine. My plan is to go with caffeine-free tea instead.
Hubby's off his graveyard shift, which may make this harder. He is supportive, but has a hard time with change and I think he's a bit scared. I wonder if he's as worried as I am...does he think I may not want to be with him when I'm sober? I think he may not want to be with me...and to be honest, I fear I may NOT want to be with him if he continue to drink. I've always been more active than him, but maybe he'll go more my way when he sees how happy I am? We usually do just about everything together, but what we do almost always involves drinking and going out to bars. A new chapter in life...that's what keeps things interesting, right?
A couple tech questions...can I change the title of my thread without losing everything? And how can I get a pic for my profile? I've tried 3 times, but it keeps 'failing'.
Hope this note finds you feeling healthy or at least hopeful! I'm so thankful for you all and this site!
I may look into the Toolbox to see if there's something that will help with this headache and yucky feeling!:hug::cheering:

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

2 days Af! Don't have screaming headache this morning, and slept better last night! Yay!

[frances]

Tired...and frustrated

Good for you JAG! Keep it up :-)

[Just A Gal]

Tired...and frustrated

Thank you fran! Going on 3 days now...but I'm a little grumpy!