Following in My Father's Foot Steps

[Tatahi5]

Hello All I am back again. Feeling very, very down. I watched alcohol kill my father two years ago and earn my mom a new liver and yet I drink. I wake up in a haze for the first few hours of the day feel just ok for the next few (other than the thirst that plagues me all day, every day) and then by 5pm or so I start to get heart burn and my hands start to shake until at 6-7 I can have my first glass of wine. I cannot remember the last day I did not drink. All that but because I work a steady, full time job, my kids are happy, I have a loving husband, I work out and look healthy I am tricking everyone but myself. I am plagued by the low self esteem and anxiety that comes along with being an alcoholic. I am living only a small fraction of this wonderful life that I have. I should go to treatment but because I am a part of the working class poor I do not have the time (off work) or the money to be able to get the help I need. I am just out of hope and feel this poison killing me and I am scared. I don't know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I always feel at home on these forums. :upset:

[NoSugar]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Hi, Tatahi

Isn't it amazing that all of the information here is free to anyone fortunate enough to have an Internet connection? And that so many people want to help you even though they have nothing to gain other than knowing another person might be able to live the life they deserve, free of a legal, promoted poison? And unlike a rehab program, you won't be dismissed to handle it on your own after a set number of days. Around here, 30 days is sort of the starting point of the rest of your better life.

BUT - like anything else - you'll get out of it what you put into it. You'll have a few tough days when you don't give in and use the familiar easy fix late in the day. You'll have to have a plan for what you'll do instead, like hang out here, reading and posting. The Newbies Nest would be a good thread (link below).

As soon as you want it enough, Tatahi, it's yours.

All the best, NS

[free at last]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Hi Tatahi,
You have found a great resource in MWO. Highly recommend you read and post, read and post. Daily checkins can be enormously helpful too. All of us who have found our way to this website recognize that we have an issue with alcohol -- we are here to help.

[Pinecone]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Hi Tatahi, I just wanted to send you some support. I can relate to a lot in your post. I think there are plenty of people here with outwardly successful lives who are suffering privately with alcoholism. It is a terrible burden to face each day, but it doesn't get the "air time" that falling down, or homeless alcoholism gets. I think it is just as bad in a way. Suffering with the contradiction between who we are when drinking and who we know we are capable of becoming is very painful. It is also the beginning of our healing. If we can face that squarely and make the difficult and right choice, then we get to move on and live that wonderful life! Or we can just keep spending the same night over and over again, in the bottle. You sound like you have so many great reasons to quit! I'm pulling for you!

[NoSugar]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Hey, Free and Pinecone - this feels like a mini - reunion! :l:l

[Tatahi5]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Thank you Sugar and Rumi for taking the time to respond to me. I feel less alone in this already. MWO is an amazing resource that I just need to dive into. I think maybe I will purchase one of those starter packages? I know if I can just get a few AF days under my belt I will feel less anxiety. It just those first few days that seem impossible. I don't want this to kill me. I don't want my kids to have to take care of me for years and years before they should. I need to make peace with what my parent's put me though and let them keep this sickness. I don't want it. It does not need to serve me any more. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for the support. It is greatly appreciated and needed. ~Taya

[Lavande]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Hello & welcome back Tatahi,

You don't have to follow in anyone's footsteps - create your own path to health & happiness
Many of us here have done just that & you can too!

Make a good plan for yourself, see your doctor if you think you need some medical help for a home detox. Perhaps you can plan for a few days off, a long weekend to get started.
Jump in the newbies Nest for a while for lots of support.

Wishing you the best on your journey!

Lav

[Tatahi5]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Thank you too Pinecone!! Sometimes I wish I had an uglier, all out bottom. It would be easier if I had an outwardly, obvious reason to check into rehab to start my healing... not that ANYONE'S road to recovering is easy in any sense of the word. All of us who suffer from this awful disease have to be total warriors to win this battle. I just wish I had a couple of days to dedicate to my sickness.

[NoSugar]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Taya, your parents didn't have an option like MWO available to them. More "public" programs like AA or rehab would have been their only options. I don't know what would have happened to me if those had been my only choices - I know I wasn't ready for those at the time I found MWO. You have this advantage that if they'd had it, may have changed their lives. I hope you take the leap of faith it takes, believe those of us who have done it this way, and start rewriting your story, and those of your kids, right now. :l

[Tatahi5]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Thank you Lav for the ideas You and Sugar are right, this is my story, not theirs. My counselor asked me if I am drinking to keep a connection with them (I have a very traditional, broken relationship with them). It was an interesting perspective and one that I could not straight out say no to. Faith is not something that I have ever been good at but I have to take the first step.

[NoSugar]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

It occurred to me when I started out that there was no reason for all these people to lie to me. And they didn't .

[Tatahi5]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

....I am just so scared that the reality of my last 20 years will be my reality for the next. #needahug

[NoSugar]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

:l:l:l. There is as much support here as you're willing to ask for and accept.

This really is totally your choice. If you truly want to change and are willing to do what it takes, you can have the next 20 years be sober ones.

[Tatahi5]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Thank you Sugar)....formulating a plan right now. I am going to read as much as I can on MWO tonight. That is where I will start.

[K9Lover]

Following in My Father's Foot Steps

Welcome Tatahi!
We are glad you've joined us! I was like you...looked "OK" from the outside, but inside I was dying a slow, miserable death...and breaking my daughters heart along the way. I could not have gotten (or stayed) sober without these lovely folks. Keep posting so we can get to know you!
K9