i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

[garden girl]

I have read so many threads over the past few weeks and have been able to identify with so many yet nobody has ever posted about their husband partners feeling to the problem and how that has influenced their success to control/stop drinking so here goes. I know that I have a problem with drinking, since my dad died 5 years ago I have used alcohol to numb the pain, after a really bad 5 years , I had a complete mental breakdown, I cannot take any form of medication as my body is hypersensitive to any form of drugs.However without going into the full story I am now so ready to sort this drink problem out and have been doing the past 3 months . Exercise, getting my business of the ground stopping the guilt feelings meditating etc. As my mind has become stronger so has my determination to beat this problem once and for all. I cannot take meds or vitamins so rely totally on my self , so I look at each day and each day that I do not drink is a a success I cannot do the program because I cannot take the meds or vits and I already meditate twice a a day. So thats the boring bit, as I have become stronger and more resolved my husband has become more depressed, the drinking issue has become huge for him . We have two lovely girls and he totally blames me for upsetting them yet even though he knows I feel guilty and are prepared to make things better he just cannot seem to forgive me and constantly0 reminds me about how bad I have been. How do you succeed when the one person in your life continually tells you that "I dont believe you you have lied before" I dont really know what to do, I know I am alot stronger but the hurt he has felt will not go away, I have not done anything really bad just not been there 24/7 as I would normally be there for my family. Sorry this is a long post ./

[Kitty]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Hi Gardengirl,

I have read a few posts regarding partners so try and find some older ones that address this topic. One of my motivating factors has been my partners frustration and I have come very close to ruining my relationship through drinking and I know that it is very difficult to regain their trust when you are starting out.

Actions do speak louder than words so persevere and I'm sure your partner will come round in time.

It will take time but you will always find alot of help and support on this site.

I wish you well for the future.

Kitty

[Bella]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Gardengirl, i think the only thing to do is keep going. Prove him wrong. You are doing so well and probably could do with his support. Talk to him and keep talking to him. Its hard but you are strong. As Kitty says, persevere. i wish you luck. I found my husband became my jailer for a while. Watching my every move. Awful and i felt like a child. But he has seen the change in me over time and is okay. At the end of the day, we are on our own with this disease, but you post here often and you will feel less so. Bella xxxx

[betty boop]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Garden girl,

I went through exactly the same thing, the lies that we tell when we are drinking tend to come back and haunt us when we are not .....

Keep being strong, like the others say, actions speak louder than words ......

I talked to my hubby and told him exactly how he made me feel and came to an agreement that as long as I kept it in control he would stop reminding me .....

It's working so far ...

All the best .....

Love Betty xxx

[goingsobermum]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Hi Garden Girl,
It sounds like you are working really hard at this and doing great, it also sounds like your husband is starting to feel threatened by the new in control you. Its not fair but it happens, just when you need support you find yourself having to support him in his insecurity. Perhaps try and do some fun sober things together so he doesn't feel left out.
At the end of the day you need to do this for you, don't forget that and keep it up, we'll support you as much as we can.
I know you can't do sups and meds so make sure your diet is good, packed full of fruit and veg and wholefoods.
Hugs
Suz

[Determinator]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Just want to echo what others have said and to followup on Goingsobermum I'd strongly suggest juiceing fruits and veggies. get a good quality juicer and start experimenting...it's also really good tasting....beats the heck out of store-bought juices.
take care.

[weemelonhead]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Hi Gardengirlie....:h
Partners is a toughie my dear....when we address our drinking, many other issues are brought to light or new ones resurface.

I am sorry to hear that you are not being able to use quite all the help you might, as the supps are a good way to help you keep your strength, but you seem to have worked out a terrific program for yourself, which must have been tough sweetie....
Diet is definitely an important part of anyones healing, but if you can't take the supps, then I reckon its needed all the more by your dear old bod....keep out the processed crap, and fill up on fresh and healthy......I'm not quite sure why you can't take natural supplements, but maybe after a while of healthier living, your body may just be able to heal itself enough to give you that option (should you need it....you sound like you're going good guns at the moment)

My partner doesn't comment on my new found sobriety....I have been AF for 5 months and 13 days, and not once has he said well done or anything even remotely supportive.....I know that after all my drinking history, he is just waiting for me to start drinking again...and I understand that....as people have already said, actions do speak louder than words, and the only thing you can do really to show that this is not another lie is to keep on with this thing.....

I also feel that my partner feels a little threatened by my resolve. He doesn't have a drink problem, but does drink most evenings, and sometimes polishes off quite a reasonable amount....I think my sobriety makes him uncomfortable about his own intake, although I NEVER comment on it or cast disparaging glances...who would I be to judge???? I have also changed my attitude somewhat since starting my new sober life....Whereas previously, I was always apologetic, and rather a doormat, as guilt about what I had done the previous night overwhelmed me...I am now filled with a new sense of self worth and pride, and have changed subtley in my behaviours which have been hard for him. He is used to being in control, as I used to feel like an inferior mucked up mess...things are more even now between us, and I think this is hard for him, as I am noticing that he DOES have issues with control....

I don't know how it is with your husband, but there can be many different reasons as to why this change can make everything go a bit 'tits up' in relationships...you are going through a BIG change, and for the minute, may have to put in more effort to sorting this problem out than he (or you, for that matter) might like....however, with communication, and the test of time, hopefully things will pan out as everyone gets used to the positive things that will be happening in your family as a result of your hard work...

Keep posting dear....it is a bit of a roller coaster at first, but hopefully, the end of that particular ride is in sight....
Much love....Weemelon

[southernbelle47]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

This is exactly what is happening at my house Weemelon!
"I also feel that my partner feels a little threatened by my resolve. He doesn't have a drink problem, but does drink most evenings, and sometimes polishes off quite a reasonable amount....I think my sobriety makes him uncomfortable about his own intake, although I NEVER comment on it or cast disparaging glances...who would I be to judge???? I have also changed my attitude somewhat since starting my new sober life....Whereas previously, I was always apologetic, and rather a doormat, as guilt about what I had done the previous night overwhelmed me...I am now filled with a new sense of self worth and pride, and have changed subtley in my behaviours which have been hard for him. He is used to being in control, as I used to feel like an inferior mucked up mess...things are more even now between us, and I think this is hard for him, as I am noticing that he DOES have issues with control...."

I do think we just have to love ourselves and know that we are doing the right thing for us and really every one involved.
Find some fun things to do for yourself and "feed" your spirit!
Everyone is right about eating well and taking time to read some good books to take you "away" from the present for a little while each day.
Almost forty two years into this marriage......not going to leave him! He will adjust in time...maybe? LOL

:l Nancy

[soloman]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Dear Garden girl
I CAN RELATE! My husband is very down on me...I am just starting the program--and he acts like I am doing nothing good. I will pray for you. Keep me up to date. Soloman

[soloman]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Praying for garden girl

:new:

I am in the same situation with my husband. We have to remember that our soberiety is
ours to control, and try not to let others pull us off task. Keep me posted! Soloman

[jane rees]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Hi Garden girl
I was wondering how you were getting on? glad to hear an update.
God, don't we just love these men, eh?! many of the reply posts to you pertained to the husbands being threatened by the new you...and that is the bottom line. They will have to learn to cope with the new persona, just like we too have to cope with the new person we are becoming. A better Mother and Wife, friend and employee...we know this, and our husbands know it too. However, they don't cope with change very well and they subconsciously like the wife that drinks because they keep control in the family dynamics. They have their own agenda's, trust me.
But so do we! and we will strengthen our marriage's by giving up the destructive behaivours and our fella's will come along for the ride because they love us. My husband doesn't want me to give up the drink because that means he is confronted by how much he drinks ( heaps). But the past few days I have noticed that he has cut down considerably. Nothing has been said...it just seems to be happening.
Gently, gently Garden Girl. softly, softly... his anger will disappate when he runs out of steam and it will be replaced with admiration for his strong wife with her firm resolve.
You are an inspiration to us all, keep us posted.
Jane:goodjob:

[Guest]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Since you have just begun, just keep going, once he sees the new you he will begin to "SEE" the "new" you. He is hurt and has trust issues. Maybe you could get counseling together?

[Paddy]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Mamma Mia, men can be difficult, ey? I really feel for you, ladies!

Hang in there, Garden girl. Your hubby's just insecure. And he's got issues, too. Men like blaming everything on everyone else when they have issues themselves ... And unfortunately, women make an easy target. Selfish bastards ... That's why some of them (the men) deserve a kick up the a...se. Send him over! ;-))

[julie001]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

Hi Garden Girl,

When I first joined MYO I kept my drinking less goals my business for awhile. Then after a while I invited my hubby to read a few of my posts so you would understand what I am doing here. But mostly this is my place where I can go to connect with people who really understand what I am going through in the whole battle with alcohol. Do this for you! Sooner or later your hubby is going to recognize that you are making positive changes.
Hang in there. Good luck!

Julie

[chilli]

i try so hard but my husband will not forgive

I had the same experiances as weemelon as well , everytime i became sober my partner would bring home alcohol (wine) which he does not drink, just to bring me undone .He prefered when i was a mess and weak and sorry, he had control and would run me into the ground. But when i was sober i saw him for what he was and he had lost control.
He started to push me around and told me it was because i decieved it when i was drunk he pulled me by my hair and pushed me to the ground, he told me i was pathetic and know one would put up with me like he does, and i really believed i deserved this because i hated my self so much when i drank . I have left him now and he still tries to give me alcohol he says i need him, even my eleven year old son tells me he tries to get me drunk so he can come back, and i still believe iam pathetic and Know one will want me ,some times the ones we love are the ones holding us back ..
be strong, be true to yourself, be happy