WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

[Matt M.]

WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

Thanks I definitely will, just wanted to thank you for sharing you're story. I guess I started rambling instead.

[Turnagain]

WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

Goodbye Fog - Here's to forward! This is such a wonderful, timely thread, Patty - a real inspirational read for all those window-shoppers...like so many of us were one time.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

It's amazing how a week of Sundays have changed my life.

Before:
Empty wine bottles strategically thrown away so that they wouldn't clink when the garbage man dumped our trash. Gallon sized bags of purple corks, with the intention of making really cool cork art. Knowing the people at the local wine shop and talking as if I cared two hoots about whether a pinot noir had a "slight oaky finish" or "berry overtones".

This past week, I went to an annual work team meeting. I confess that I was anxious about how this week was going to fare, as most work meetings kick up at happy hour and everyone straggles into their rooms after midnight.

1st night: I avoided the party. The hotel has a large atrium where all of the hotel rooms open to the indoor atrium, and the party noise floats up for all to hear. I know it sounds anti-social, but I simply avoided going down to see everyone drink. It's not that I was fearful I was going to drink, I honestly didn't want to explain to a bunch of work acquaintances why I was not drinking anymore.

2nd day: We had a team building event that included an open bar and a luncheon on a steam boat. I discovered that kind of like, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus"... "Yes, Patricia, there is life without alcohol". You see, in my prior fog, it was a GIVEN (in my mind) that I would be one of the drinkers at noon. Since I wasn't drinking, I could now see how many people were NOT DRINKING... and by the way, they weren't drinking back then either. A great AHA moment.

Night dinners..... I volunteered to be the Designated Driver. No needed to question my sobriety. The funny thing I realized was that I was having just as much fun.... if not MORE.... than in my previous weeks of Sundays. I didn't wake up with headaches. No wondering if I did or said something that made people question my values.... I didn't get involved in any drunk political introspective conversations... Nope. I was sober. And Happy! I met a co-worker's wife who is struggling with cancer and we bonded. Laughed SO much... Hugged at the end of dinner. Smiles.

The fact that the week is over, and I am still sober...

Sobriety is not a punishment. It is a gift. You are not losing out of incredible oaky finishes. You are embracing life as it is meant to be.

:groupluv: Protecting my Quit. Patty

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Hi everyone, I finally got logged back in to the new Forum. I like the changes!

I've been away, but I've still been sober. I've kept alcohol out of my life choices: it's kind of like choosing between Salad or Vegetables... and not having French Fries on the menu. As you know, it's easier said than done, but hey, I take it day by day.

[MossRose]

Patty - I love your posts. They're honest, raw and just plain brilliant. I asked myself - how did I miss this one? And then I remembered. I was in a very bad place back then and had pulled a disappearing act. I have to say, this whole thread has touched a nerve - made me cry - and renewed my vow to remain AF the rest of my life. You have a real gift with words. Please keep this thread going. Your honesty inspires me.

xx, Sher

[frances]

Just chiming in to let you know that this thread also meant/means a lot to me - I loved reading this when you first posted it and have gone back to read it again on multiple occasions. Your story, and your updates too, are something I can relate to very much and I really appreciate your sharing. When we feel like we've got this thing beat, i's important to go back and remember what things were like. And I don't know about you, but I've felt like I had this thing beat and was ready to control it many times before, and guess what? I always wound up back here. I'm just saying this because I need to remind myself, and I know you mentioned on another thread that you are frustrated lately. I know better, you know better, we are going to stay AF!!!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Thanks. Mossy and Frances.
Overall I'm doing fine. I feel a clarity in my life that frankly wasn't there a year ago. Like others, alcohol was part of my life since I was 18 years old- my non drinking days could've been counted by gestational days and my military service in the Gulf- so to live alcohol free is certainly a new journey.

What keeps me going?

I'm emotionally in a peaceful place. That may sound hokie but it's true. For the majority of my waking hours, I'm at peace with my decision to not drink. I don't want alcohol- whether it's drinking it, or abstaining - I do not want IT to define me. I don't want this poison to consume my emotional well being, even when I'm sober. I want people to see me and see a Happy Person.


Last week I attended a trade show for my job. I was representing my company so it was not proper for me to drink even if I wanted to. There was an open bar for the attendees. I was enlightened to observe others over the 3 hour show. Not all people drank. Of those that did drink, the majority did not get sloppy drunk. There were some, however, that became "whisky wise" as the night grew old.

I think I often had whiskey wisdom, lol.

"Protecting my Quit" is not reflexively automated. It is a conscious decision. I think of my 24 year old daughter. She is my biggest fan right now. I will not fail her.

[Pavati]

Hi, Happy:

I love your posts, too. Good to see you back and sober. I can so relate to that Sunday night...

Pav

[narilly]

Wow, wow, wow! Patty, I can SO relate to your posts. That was exactly like me (your original post). All those times waking up on the weekend,trying to pretend I was not hungover, what a terrible way to live. I don't miss the puffy eyes and face along with the bloating. Gross!
I lived that for so many years while trying to be a good wife, worker and mom. Plus my poor dogs, I threw up on my little daschund one night. Oh, but I didn't quit drinking after that of course!
I found MWO in 2006 and it took until this year, April 12, for me to really commit to sobriety. It is off the table. (Pav)
Thank you Patty. I cannot say enough how much your post has helped reinforce my quit.
Xo
Mariane

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Narilly, dogs are truly wonderful, aren't they? Total unconditional love.

The scariest part of making the decision to go alcohol free was my relationship with my husband. I don't want to rehash the past- if you want the details, feel free to click on my name- but in a nutshell, I made him choose: Alcohol or me. He is my life (and party) partner in crime and without his commitment to being sober, I knew I would fail.

I am so happy and relieved that he chose me. Our relationship was rocky at first, but we are in a better place today. I didn't request nicely - I issued an ultimatum and that was not the right way, but my husband begrudgingly obeyed and pouted.

I know that others may feel like they are in the same place, as alcohol is often shared in celebration and if one person quits drinking, who is there to celebrate with? It's scary to think of the lifestyle change that comes with the words: I quit.

Yes, it's scary. But it can be a good thing. It can lead to happier times. It's not a punishment. Today, being sober is a relief.

Happy Sunday, and Welcome!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Happy New Year Everyone!

It feels like a Sunday night... it's about 10:45 pm and the house is quiet. Our boys have retreated into their bedrooms, and my husband went to bed about an hour ago, as he has to work tomorrow. The TVs are off and the house is quiet, except for the clicking of a very loud clock.

It's funny about time. When we are young, we can't wait to grow up, move out, go to college. We can't wait to find our life partner, get married, have kids. We can't wait to get a "real job". We can't wait for our planned vacations, our holiday trips and parties.

And then, in a flash, you realize that chances are you've lived more days than you have remaining. I'm 50 years old... only 30 - 40 years left, God willing. And what is life about?

While I haven't had anything to drink, my thoughts about drinking have been more frequent than before.
The logical side of my brain tells me that my life is good without alcohol, why do I need to add it back into my life?
But the petulant side of my brain tells me that I over reacted.... I read a thread tonight about the 4 stages of alcohol and I was NEVER that bad- I never drank in the morning, or hid vodka in hair spray bottles, or get the shakes. I watched my family and friends post cheery "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Celebratory photos, complete with champagne toasts... and my child-brain pouts because we didn't have any alcohol in the house last night. My child brain says that I could have enjoyed a glass of wine last night, and it would have been "no harm, no foul", right?

And Yet. Last night, instead of bundling up against the cold, what did we do? I prepared the traditional New Year's Eve appetizer feast, my children invited their friends over, and as a family, we played a silly game called Fibbage. There were 6 of us laughing, eating, drinking sodas/water... and we all had a terrific time. There was no "DRAMA", no one got slap stick stupid drunk and insulted the other.... no one puked or passed out. When I woke up this morning, I knew exactly what happened, I didn't have to pretend to remember. My head didn't hurt and life was good.

So. These are the things I must remember when I contemplate drinking again. While I don't want to demonize alcohol, I guess in some ways I must learn to do so. I need to remember that it's simply a liquid that we drink and ultimately piss away.

Time is short- I don't need to piss away my time too. (Sorry if that's offensive?).

No more excuses.

:hug::victorious::love: Patty

[Byrdlady]

Patty,
I went back and found an early post of yours from our new site. I know you have been a member of MWO since 2008, so you have been fighting with AL quite a while. As you contemplate moderating, let me ask you this....When you drink, who wins? I grabbed this post from back last February, when you began your AF journey, here's what you said then.

02-13-2014, 03:24 PM #34 NotHappyHourHappyLife

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Kailey's Journey

Hi Kailey,

I'm Patty. It's amazing how we can justify and rationalize away our lives. When I first came to this forum back in 2008, it was truly for me, because I wanted to moderate. The thought of living a life without alcohol was overwhelming, truthfully. So many of my recreational activities, as a 40 something mom, revolved around alcohol. I spent 5 months here getting to know myself better, and helping others (I think)... but then when I realized that I was replacing my alcohol addiction with an internet one, I left the cyberworld of MWO.

For the most part, I think I've done "okay" in the moderating world. But truth be told, my husband and your husband could be brothers, so to speak. Part of my fear of going completely AF is that my husband and I will drift apart.... that my choice would lead to different paths. He is a great man and the father of my 4 kids~ so my heart is, truthfully, torn in two. Would he stop drinking if I declare that I'm AF?

In my daily life, I bargain with my Alcohol Genie... the one who should stay in the flipping bottle, but I listen to him and more days than I want to admit, I let him win.
"Just one", he whispers. "You've had a hard day". NO!
"OKAY then", he will cajole, "I'll wait for you for the weekend". I think I'm in the clear!
Out of the blue, my husband will waltz into the family room with a freshly poured glass of merlot, looking like a boy that just caught the biggest fish when he presents it to me... how can I say no? WTF? Unintentionally undermined.
(NOTE: I know, logically, that I could say, "thanks, honey, but no thanks"... I KNOW that, but I haven't. )

About a week and a half ago, my elderly dad was officially diagnosed with cancer and I left my household to be with my dad. Left my husband, my kids, the damned Alcohol Genie... they are back at home. I've been AF the entire time, which is easy when I'm outside of my environment. Yet when I return to my old stomping ground, I've discovered that my young 28 year old niece has been fighting that same demon, but her Genie is so flipping powerful that she's been hospitalized for it. She's lost her job. She's bargaining with her husband, with her brothers and sisters, with her parents, and with anyone else that will listen that it really ISN'T a problem.... she can quit any time! :yeahright: (And, yes, she's been caught sneaking). Seeing the power of alcohol ruin my niece pisses me off. Sigh... for like you, Kailey, my sweet niece has had more day 1's than she cares to admit to. And as I return to this site to find advice for her, I realize that I'm still, in fact, in the same boat as she is. I need to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol and have the courage to stay AF. We need an ark for all of us!

I share my story to let you know that you aren't alone. I want to say THANK YOU for sharing your journey. You've found an inner strength to stand up for yourself. Will it mean that your marriage "crumbles", as I fear for mine? You are strong enough to face that risk, because this is to keep the LIFE in your life. I must do the same.
Sadly, if my marriage was built upon a bunch of corks and beer cans, then it's going to crumble.

You are a strong woman, Kailey, and as you stand tall for your family, I hope that your courage resonates with your husband.
End Quote.

If you look at the SCIENCE of addiction, you will find that nothing has changed in your brain regarding AL. You are still addicted to it. There are 1000's of stories about people with 20-30 years of sobriety thinking that they had fallen out of the habit but within DAYS they are right back to their old levels and worse.

Sadly, no words of mine will convince you that ALK'ism is imprinted in your brain now, but maybe your own words above will make you see that every single time you have reintroduced AL into your life, the result is THE SAME.

AL is trying to pull you back down into the hole....don't listen. It's a trap!
Successful moderation is 7 units per week for a female, that's NOT MUCH for us. Long term moderation? Well, much like unicorns and the tooth fairy, they don't exist. What does long term moderation mean? If you are 50 years old it means titrating your AL intake for the next 30-35 years. I've never seen a long term moderator....and believe me, I've looked. They don't just ride happily off into the sunset. If I could moderate (under the REAL guidelines of it, NOT my own made-up set) I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. That would take massive support to continue that difficult road. Let's face it, we have ALL tried moderation, you've been trying it since 2008....it does NOT work. You can't moderate addiction.


I wish I had a nickel for everyone who has tried this (myself included).... NOT ONE HAS SUCCEEDED. Not ONE. EVER.

Byrdie

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Re: WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

I've played in the moderation sandbox and after 4 years, I realize that I've been sharing this sandbox with a wild cat, lol. I'm back to being AF, but there is a change for me....

To be honest, when I read my old posts, I knew there was always going to be a day when I would drink again.... as if I was doing penance by being AF. So when I returned to drinking in late 2015, I set up "ground rules" and followed them- and gradually, broke some of them. One rule I never broke was drinking and driving, and I was "fortunate" to have a 16 year old son would was willing to be my DD.

"Congratulations, you can drive! Now let's go to dinner, and you can drive us. Dad will buy!"... sheesh, what a horrible example we are.
Or are we a blessing in disguise? You see, my youngest son is much more wise than I was at his age. As he grew up, he stayed clear of alcohol.
When he turned 21, and I asked him if he wanted a drink, he scoffed at me with a smile and said, "Mom, if I wanted to have a drink, I've grown up in a house where it's easy to sneak it". (Sad, but true)

Earlier this year, I had a work trip to Europe and I invited my son to meet me there, so we could travel Germany for a week. As we enjoyed our European vacation, alcohol wasn't a priority, and with him as my companion, there was no peer pressure to have "just one".... we had a great, alcohol free time, which made me wonder why I ever started drinking again?

The icing on my cake was when we arrived back home, and my husband met us at the airport- one of my son's friends was the DD, and my husband was (frankly) drunk. He thought he was funny, but he was loud and obnoxious... too tipsy for us to go out for a nice dinner, so we hit a drive through and went home. He was passed out within minutes of getting home.

This was my last straw. Not because this was about "ME" and being hurt by him prioritizing alcohol over me... but about my SON.
Recognizing that my SON- and all of my children- have lived second fiddle to alcohol.

Cold turkey...… and so here, on Thanksgiving Day, I quietly celebrate my new found sobriety, turkey and all. My side dressings include healthier complexion, a new appreciation for chocolate, a better love for exercise, and the willingness to forgive myself. I can't change my past, but I can commit to myself and to my family that I will be the best me.

:love:

[available]

Re: WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

Hi Happy and welcome back.

I gave up drinking for my children nearly 6 years ago, now my priorities have changed as i am doing this for me but i know i could never ever let them down again by drinking. I took enough of me from them over my drinking years.

Head over to some of the other active threads and be accountable. To me that was the basis of my early sobriety, checking in each day, getting to know others and knowing that we are all the same, we all have a problem with alcohol.

congrats on Day 1.

[Pavati]

Re: WELCOME to the Window Shoppers!

Hi, Happy--

That's a nice story - welcome back. It is such a gift to be present for my kids without the numbing of alcohol. Hope to see you around the more active threads here!

Pav