I fell out.

[Petrelhead]

Hi everyone. I fell out of the nest last week. I'm now feeling incredibly stupid and ashamed.

On Wednesday night, I went out for dinner with sales rep from out of town. We usually meet up a few times a year. He enjoys fine dining and wine. I didn't want to disappoint him by not having a wine. So I ended up having 2 small glasses. It was actually beautiful food and wine and very enjoyable. I went home and went to bed.

So the next day, I thought I would have another wine tonight. Just be moderate. So for the next 5 nights, I've had wine every night. More each night. Over the weekend, the dreaded feelings of depression and shame began to return.

I only had a few glasses last night (Sunday). I woke up not at all hungover, but incredibly depressed. This always happens. I hate the feeling so much.

I don't know why I let it happen. It was almost like I had to get it out of my system. It wasn't even like the drinking was out of control. I woke up okay. I've even been running. No hangover. But gradually the depression gets me. Today, I felt so down. I never want to feel
this way again.

So today is a new day 1.

[available]

I fell out.

Ahhhh Petrel welcome back, thought you had gone AWOL for a reason and dont worry most people go AWOL for exactly the same reason. You are back, you cant moderate and so life goes on.

Why did you feel you did not want to disappoint him? What do you think he would have done if you had not had a wine? I dont want to disappoint my children so i wont/cant drink, no one to me is worth having a wine with, even my mother on holidays. I caved at 40+ days last time also as i had that notion that i could have a couple and yep that led to complete disaster.

I am glad you are back and the "downess" will go when you dont drink. I am sending big hugs from Thailand and we all make mistakes Petrel but the good thing is you are back with us.

Me well i am enjoying the foot massages daily and doing nothing but eating and drinking af drinks. The heat is another issue though!

[Petrelhead]

I fell out.

Thanks Ava! I missed you

I really don't know why I caved at dinner that night. Maybe I worried that he would know I had a drinking problem if I didn't drink. He doesn't have a drinking problem, and he wouldn't have had the whole bottle himself.

I was moderate that night. But psychologically it opened the flood gates.

You are right Ava. We can't drink at all. Thanks for your support.

I'm glad to hear the holiday is great.

[DreamThinkDo]

I fell out.

Petrel, we have to be incredibly selfish to stay sober, even to the point of disappointing others. You know, if your friend doesn't have a drinking problem, he would probably still have ordered the bottle he wanted, had a glass or two from it, and then stopped. That's the way "normal" people drink. We are not like them - I just cannot imagine doing that - I would want the bottle to myself, and probably a second one to keep the first one company. We pay waaaaay to much attention to what's in other people's glasses - because we have a problem. Normal people just see a glass of wine - we see a never-ending drinking opportunity. I visited a friend for supper over the weekend. He had a glass and a half of wine - as I said, we notice these things - and that was it. We can't do things like that, and that's why we're here.

Look on the bright side: you're back, you've learnt from your sober days, and you've learnt from your mistake. So, get Day 1 done and dusted because Day 2 is waiting for you - make it happen!

[available]

I fell out.

Petrel you have a great excuse that you are training for the marathon, use it for all it is worth, that or you could be pregnant but................

when i told mum i was not drinking at brissy airport, i was like a little kid blurting it out that i didnt drink and waiting for the backlash as she wanted to know what al i wanted duty free. She said "shame its not smoking" and i said well that is next and she said "dont think i am not drinking" and i said that is fine but suprisingly enough she has hardly drank. The funny thing is she knew i drank way too much but probably not as much as i was. We dont talk about it and that is fine as i dont drink and i wont drink and i cant drink. I dont need to explain myself to anyone now.

God anyone who left wine in a bottle was insane Dream, i mean to say what a waste that was. One glass, who can do that? I would be waiting for that normal person to leave so i could get to guzzling so i would not feel deprived.

I missed you to Petrel and lovely to have you back on the beat again!

[mama bear]

I fell out.

Welcome back petrel!

[Lavande]

I fell out.

Petrel, I have to agree with DTD!
In the future just don't worry about what anyone else thinks. What YOU think is most important for you. This whole thing is about good self care
Wishing you the best!

[Byrdlady]

I fell out.

Petrel, this is a brutal lesson, but count your lucky molars that you 'get it' after this fall! And #2, on disappointing others....I have disappointed a lot MORE people (that I really LOVED) by drinking than I have by NOT drinking. I understand, I'm in the business community, too. Trust me, THEY will get over it. You will notice who else has a problem and who doesn't. There is never in shame in my NOT drinking now...but there was plenty when I did. Soldier on, my dear!! Up and over! Byrdie

[sparkles143]

I fell out.

Hi there I read your post and can totally relate to you. I am determined to go 30 days AF and see how I feel! I know it will be better. I actually have been doing much better over the past couple of months. But it's very easy to fall right off that edge of drinking too much not remembering things the next day. I am home with my kids for Spring Break this week and determined to stay AF. Since my kids are with their dad every other weekend I have been pretty good about abstaining on my weekends but I want to be able to make this an every weekend thing. My husband drinks too this makes it very hard. But he can moderate better than I can. But still if I come home to 2 bottles of wine on the counter that makes it hard!!!! I need to know more about a checklist and a plan.
My daughter just turned 12, she's impressionable. She adores me. I need to break the family curse.

[Rahulthesweet]

I fell out.

Petrel

Welcome back ! It's good that you are back on your feet in just few days. When I stumbled it took my 6 months to recover and come back to path towards sobriety. I had this stupid idea that I could moderate.

You MUST not take this lightly and must do whatever to stay on path. You already know the benefits so focus on aim on marathon.

You have been an inspiration to me personally and I felt lost few days back when I could not find you here in the roll call and even posted on the wishing you are well.

Wish you all the best and hey are all here ...

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

I fell out.

Petrelhead;1645874 wrote:
I really don't know why I caved at dinner that night. Maybe I worried that he would know I had a drinking problem if I didn't drink. He doesn't have a drinking problem, and he wouldn't have had the whole bottle himself.

Petrelhead,

When I first read the title of your thread, I thought that maybe you went out on a bender. Give yourself a LOT of credit.... for while the temptation to moderate was present (after all, you've made it a couple of days dabbling with drinking just a couple of glasses and without resorting to your old ways)... you listened to your true inner voice that said that YOU did not want to "moderate". You don't want to compromise. You want to be alcohol free.

To not only HEAR that voice, but to stand up and LISTEN and decide not to drink anymore: THAT is AWESOME! :heart:

Your quote from above reminded me of a situation that happened to me recently. I need to lose weight. I have a sister that is severely obese and yes, she is addicted to food. She is very private with her eating- at family dinners, she hardly eats. A couple of weeks ago, we stayed together at my parent's home, and I could hear her in the middle of the night, rifling through cupboards and retrieving hidden snacks.

One day, I brought home groceries, which included a bag of potato chips. To me, potato chips are a side item- I can eat "just one" and feel fine.... but not for my sister. I found the empty bag, hidden in the outside garbage can. She later told me that just having that bag of chips in the house increased her level of anxiety- she KNEW where they were, and, once open, she KNEW that she would devour the entire bag! I was very thoughtless when I bought them, because I didn't think about her addiction.

How you and I obsess with the wine bottle, Petrelhead, is how my sister feels about certain foods, and how you described it made me understand how alike my sister and I are with our addictive personalities.

:hug: HATS OFF TO YOU, my friend! Patty

[Petrelhead]

I fell out.

Thank you everyone.

DTD, day 2 is nearly over. The feelings of being so down, of depression are slowly passing. I know that's what Al does to me, and I need to keep telling myself that when tempted. I also have 2 other very stressful issues in my life at present, which I need to resolve and move forward.

Ava, as always, thanks for your support. Yes, the marathon should a powerful weapon to beat this thing.

MamaB, hi and thanks.

Lav, yes self care is a big part of this. I'm otherwise a health conscious person, so drinking too much makes no sense.

BL, you are right. With this, we should never let anyone else alter our decisions when it comes to drinking. It's way too important.

S143, hi. I know it's very hard when you have a spouse that drinks too much as well. My wife and I are separated, but that's another story. I guess you need to make your own plan now, and stick with it.

Rahul, my friend. I'm so sorry. I feel I've let you down. We were tracking together so well day by day. I hope you stay strong. You are a great inspiration.

NHHHL, thank you for the story of your sister. Addiction is addiction. And ours is destructive and unhealthy. I wish you well in your journey.

Again, thank you everyone.

[little beagle]

I fell out.

The important thing is you are still here. I too have disapointed mant people. But when I drank. My not drinking has never disappointed anyone.
Like Ava said, you are in training. Great excuse, if you need one. I tell people al is not my friend. Most just let it go at that. Those that don't, I don't care. I don't want to be disappointed in myself.:goodjob: for getting right back into the fight.

[briseus]

I fell out.

Welcome back Petrel - congrats on your day 1 - which is probably day 2 now?
I do know exactly how you feel...that depressed feeling...it's not a good feeling at all, but you did it, you learned from your mistakes and now you pick yourself back up - which you have done - and get back on the wagon.
And I agree with everyone else...
Honestly, it is difficult when you are out for dinner and someone orders a drink and you don't...and you feel like all eyes are on you and they *know* that you're an alcoholic so it's difficult to get some sort of words out to tell them as to why you are not drinking - but you can say anything you want...and they can just bugger off. Like DTD said, we can't drink like normal people, we think way too much of what's in other people's glasses...and we can never have just one...or if you happen to have just one or two one night, you can bet that you are going to tell yourself that you can have one or two the next day.
We have our slips - I've had many - but you're trying, that is all that matters...and you can do it.
Congrats on getting back on the wagon.

[Guitarista]

I fell out.

Good to see you mate.

Booze is a cunning and baffling thing. Good on you for grabbing the bull by the horns again. Git to it. Take care.

G bloke.