Why didn't I see it coming?

[Gypsy Rose]

Hi - I am a first timer to this site and forum.

:new:

I don't know where to start. I have ruined everything. All because of Binge Drinking.

I have to ask myself, why didn't I see this coming?

I have no excuses. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and father. My brother was an alcoholic. I was married to a man when I was much younger, who was an alcoholic. It is not like it was something foriegn to me. So why didn't I see this coming?

It is not even as though I did not have enough bad binge drinking experiences to warn me. Why did I have to so totally wreck my life, to be able to see that yes, I am a binge drinker. Yes, my binge drinking is a problem. Yes, I cannot binge drink - it always ends badly. Yes, I have an issue with alcohol. Yes, I am probably an alcoholic!

I don't drink by myself - ever. I drink with my partner. Problem is, when we start drinking, we do not stop until it is all gone. We drink at home, in the evenings. A couple of times a week on average.

The real problem with me is that there are times when I get upset or angry or just rediculously in my partners face - and anything and everything that has been bothering me or is on my mind, just comes flying out of my mouth. At the time I always justify my behaviour to myself - until I wake up the next morning - and realize with an absolutely gut wrenching sinking feeling, that I have really gone way over the line.

You can only do that to someone else a certain number of times, before they have literally had enough and say, no more. That is what I have now done - an irreparable line has been crossed - and I am totally devastated.

I am really struggling to hold things together. I have had breakdowns in the past, due to prolonged, extreme situations. I am on medication for depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress and general stress. I can feel myself walking that fine line - and I did this to myself.

I don't know how to approach my partner. I feel like I deserve what ever he might have to say to me. I have no reasonable excuse.

He has now ended our 20 + years relationship. I just cannot bear to lose him, he is such an important person in my life and I honestly love him with all my heart.

I want to plead with him to please give us another go - though we have been here before - but this time it really is final ... So it has taken this for me to face my real issue with alcohol.

Why didn't I see this coming?

.... I am not sure what to do now. I acknowledge my issue with alcohol and I can stop drinking - as long as I do not have that first one. I don't crave alcohol, but once we start drinking, it mostly is to keep drinking. Mostly, I can take it or leave it - I just have to stay away from that one and that is something that I can do.

How do you recover from ruining everything so badly? I hate the way I am feeling, it is unbearable. I just want my life back to the way it was before our last binge ... and I swear to God, that if I could be given that chance, I will never drink again. I know that is a promise I can keep.

[bkyogagurl]

Why didn't I see it coming?

You poor thing... Alcohol emphasizes the problem... It doesn't create it. What are the real issues between you and your man? Gotta work on those because even if you do decide to quit drinking the problems will still be there.....

[Marylou123]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Gyspy Rose,

Welcome - you've come to the right place. You're story totally resonates with me. Eighty-one days ago my husband of 21 years left, moved 100 miles away, had it with my drinking and all the associated problems. That was my bottom. I decided then and there that, regardless of what may become of my marriage, I needed to, I wanted to quit drinking. I wanted to live a healthy life and I wanted to have a healthy, loving, compassionate, passionate relationship with my partner. And, as much as I wanted it to be my hub, I was beginning to understand and accept my role in the years of damage.

Today, I celebrate 80 days alcohol free. My hub is back home and we are working on our marriage together. I am grateful that I am sober and facing everything head on rather than behind the Chardonnay curtain.

Point is - life can, and will, get better without drinking. I don't know if your relationship with your partner will work out, but you will be in a better place to decide if that's what you truly want/need when you can face your issues without al.

I am so glad you are here. MWO and the wonderful, wise folks here saved my life. Stick around, read, post, and welcome, again.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Welcome Gypsy Rose-
while your story isn't good news, there can be a happy ending- or should I say new beginning?
You have to fix yourself first, and your relationship can follow.

Does your partner want to stop drinking, or have you talked about that? Does he see it as your issue, or do the arguments always become "your fault" the next day? Will he give up drinking so that the two of you can move forward together?

What do you need to do today to start getting better? Some things that are easy, like tossing out the booze. Recognize it for the poison that it is- & when you drink, you become poison- it is a genetic fact that you can't wish away. Drink lots of water and tea and start being kind to your body. It's time.

If your conviction to stop drinking is still there today, I would also go to a website called Women for Sobriety and read some of the resolutions written by others like us. "I have a life threatening problem that once had me" is my favorite- I'm human, & like all of us, I have a flaw- like a pretty flower, there is something uniquely flawed about me.

Once you see in your heart what your path is, write down your top goals. And decide.

Then go to your partner and be as brutally honest with him as you've been with us. Tell him what your plan is, & together, the two of you must decide if he is part of your future. Gypsy, if he is along on your path, will be help you or undermine your strength?

Hugs pretty flower- there's lots of hard work to make that flower bloom, and there's diet and manure and treats and water and sunshine and fresh air and gentle breezes... The flower has its feet firmly rooted in manure and dirt and nutrients. .. And get too close, you may get poked by a thorn or two. .. But the beautiful flower- the deep hues of red- the silkiness of its petals, the indescribable sweet fragrance- that makes it all worth it.

You are worth it. Plant your feet. :hug:

[Alky]

Why didn't I see it coming?

bkyogagurl;1647922 wrote: Alcohol emphasizes the problem... It doesn't create it.

Hello, and welcome GR. BK hit the nail right on the head. I'm going through the selfsame problem myself. I have been on anti-craving medication and have remained alcohol free for some time. Yet an ugly incident with a neighbor I don't know demonstrated the fact that alcohol is not the root of my problems, but it certainly does intensify our worst (and best, but mostly the worst) character traits. You can read my thread in General Discussion if you're so inclined.

When I was still interested in saving my marriage, I sought psychiatric care and psychotherapy before going back to my wife and trying to say anything to her. Perhaps this might work for you? An actions speak louder than words scenario? Just an idea.

[Byrdlady]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Wow, like you and MaryLou, on Jan 19, 2011, my hubs of 24 years packed a bag and left me. I was faced with a decision then, too: Succumb totally to AL or give it up completely and HOPE I could rebuild my marriage. Believe it or not, it was a HARD decision. I didn't know HOW I was going to do it, but I knew I had to fight. I planted myself on this site and learned everything I could. I aligned myself with successful people and I did what they did. I HAD to win this, and 3+ years later, I believe I am. My marriage has never been stronger. I have regained his trust. He is a light drinker, so quitting when he continued to drink was a challenge. This is MY problem, not his. I concentrate on what is in MY glass, not his. I have never felt better and I am on top of my game. If I can do this, I know you can, too. Please see the 2 links in my signature line below, the Newbie's nest and the Tool Box, both are priceless. You can turn this around! Commit, grab onto us, and don't look back! We are so glad you found us! Byrdie

[Pavati]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Hi, Gypsy:

I was a binge drinker, too, and slowly it crept up on me until I realized I had to do something to live the life I wanted to live - with positive relationships, health, and pride rather than guilt, shame and remorse.

I found my power over alcohol was in not taking that first drink - once I did, I often didn't have the "stop button."

I also found that quitting alcohol greatly reduced my anxiety - not only the hungover anxiety, but all anxiety in my life. I still am moody - I always have been - and living without alcohol has meant living through the bad moods without masking them. However, the lows are not nearly as low, and the highs are much higher.

My advice is to follow the advice of all those people who answered you. You will gain clarity on how to proceed by giving up alcohol. It is only then that you have a chance of repairing your relationship. Settle in and take good care of yourself!

Pav

[Pavati]

Why didn't I see it coming?

And NHHL - You write such beautiful posts! Thanks.

[Alky]

Why didn't I see it coming?

If Marylou and Byrdie are playing good cop, I guess it's my turn to play bad cop. I honestly hope everything turns out the best for you. But if they don't, you just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I've been largely alcohol free since Thanksgiving weekend of last year, with a couple of slips. During one of these slips, my wife told me it was rehab again or divorce. I don't need detox and my liver enzymes are normal so I don't need the medical side of rehab. But, if it meant keeping the marriage together, I agreed to go again if she did the family program because our dysfunction goes way past my alcoholism. She refused. So I had my answer and went and consulted an attorney the following week.

I'm not saying this to be a downer, I just feel like you need to prepare yourself in case the outcome is not the one you want, as it was in my case.

[Guitarista]

Why didn't I see it coming?

G'day Gypsy rose,

A big welcome to you.

Sorry to hear of your situation, but i'm glad you found this site. It's a pearler.

All of my problems and negative behaviour and situations i found myself in were ALL related DIRECTLY to booze. For me, getting booze out of my life is my first step. This helps me feel so much better physically, and i can begin to think with a clearer head. For me, i think if we can tackle the booze issue firstly, and remove it/stop drinking, then we can start to think about working on other stuff.

Here's some great reading/info/tips. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

Here is a great supportive thread to check out. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...est-30074.html

Please let us know how you are doing will you?

Great to have you here.

Best wishes, G bloke.

[rednose]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Byrdlady;1647955 wrote: Wow, like you and MaryLou, on Jan 19, 2011, my hubs of 24 years packed a bag and left me. I was faced with a decision then, too: Succumb totally to AL or give it up completely and HOPE I could rebuild my marriage. Believe it or not, it was a HARD decision. I didn't know HOW I was going to do it, but I knew I had to fight. I planted myself on this site and learned everything I could. I aligned myself with successful people and I did what they did. I HAD to win this, and 3+ years later, I believe I am. My marriage has never been stronger. I have regained his trust. He is a light drinker, so quitting when he continued to drink was a challenge. This is MY problem, not his. I concentrate on what is in MY glass, not his. I have never felt better and I am on top of my game. If I can do this, I know you can, too. Please see the 2 links in my signature line below, the Newbie's nest and the Tool Box, both are priceless. You can turn this around! Commit, grab onto us, and don't look back! We are so glad you found us! Byrdie

Great reply Byrdlady....

rednose

[little beagle]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Gypsy you ask how you do this. A year ago this month I ask the exact same question. I planted myself here, read as much and as often as I could and made a point to post at least once a day. And took it one day at a time.
This place can completely change your life if you do the work. It has changed mine.
:welcome:
:l

[Gypsy Rose]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Thank you to everyone who replied

:thanks:

I want to thank each and every one of you for replying to my post. I very much appreciate your time, effort, consideration and thoughtfulness.

The silence between my partner and myself is deafening.

I have spent the time since posting, reading and processing my thoughts.

I still feel really awful, devastated - generally just ghastly and barely hanging in.

My determination to not drink A anymore is still very firm and I know I can go AF.

I am just so overwhelmed by the mess the last binge has caused ...

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Hi Gypsy Rose, another day is gone and the sun is rising in Australia.

While the silence was deafening, I hope that there was some healing going on, too. It's hard to approach the topic when you feel like everything that happened was your fault... kind of like getting on the scale at the doctor's office after a long holiday? You know you have to do it, but you just don't want to!

Today is a new day- this is a new week- if it helps you to journal, take some time to write. Perhaps take out some paper, and let your mind wander - and the focus is on YOU.
At the top of each paper, right some headings like:
"Blessings in My Life".
"My Personal Strengths".
"My Challenges".
"My Commitments".
"My Future"
"???"

Gypsy Rose, there are no right and wrong answers, but maybe if you see things written down, you won't feel so overwhelmed.

At the same time, keep drinking water and tea. Day 3 of being alcohol free is here, and you may want to go get some ice cream for day 4... there's something soothing about sugar and dairy- I don't know the physical science behind it... but on day 4, when you think the hump is over, a sudden urge to drink may pop into your mind. Be prepared, pretty flower!

:hug: Patty

[Fleur23]

Why didn't I see it coming?

Hello Gypsy, Im sorry it had to come to this, having your partner saying its over.
Maybe when you talk with him next, tell him you realize you cant binge drink, or drink, as you say you can do without it as long as you don't start on that first drink for a drinking session. If he can see you are really sticking to this and not drinking, in time, he may realize that you mean it this time. Alcohol is a depressant in itself, which is probably why you say terrible things to him when you are under the influence. Best to stay away from it and let your true wonderful self shine through