I joined today after reading many posts. My story is pretty simple. Im an alcoholic, and it has reached a point where action is critical. First some back story. Ive been drinking since I was 13. Not consistent, but weekends, parties college etc. Been with my wife for 16 years now. Marriage is stable, but rather loveless (depressing). A couple of years back I got laid off and my pattern of weekend only drinking changed to daily, since I wasn't doin much of anything. They eventually called and rehired me, but I kept drinking every night, typically a 6 pack before bed.
Honestly, that was all under control and worked fine for me. Now is a totally different story. I am currently drinking 12-16 16oz beers a day. How can you manage that with a job you say? Easy, I put it in a coffee cup and bring it in to the office. I cant go more than an hour without a drink. I get shakes, heart races BP skyrockets. So I nurse beers all day long at work (typically 8 in a 10 hour shift) to keep me stable. Im not even drinking to enjoy anymore, Im doing it cause it feels like if I dont I will die. It a viscous cycle that feeds itself.
Now the fun part! My symptoms. Aside from normal withdrawal stuff, I get legs cramps almost every morning, I have edema in my legs and I wake up after just a few hours of sleep with my pulse and BP going nuts (150/105 this morning). My back hurts like something is wrong with my kidneys. Its not pain per se, but a feeling like I have to stretch it. My heart skips/misses beat all the time. Im just a mess. Went to the doctor yesterday, told her my concerns and got some blood tests done. Currently waiting for results.
So what have I been doing to change? Nothing but make excuses. I do have valid concerns about me surviving withdrawal. I have had issues with my heart long before I became dependent. When I don't drink, it gets scary real fast. As soon as I wake up I grab a beer. Usually takes 2-3 to stabilize me. But I don't stop there. I keep going. I'm not sure if thats needed, but I'm scared not to. Funny thing is, even with the constant drinking, Im never impaired. I can drive just fine and I talk on the phone for a living and nobody can tell.
So what am I doing aside from feeling sorry for myself. Well I am posting here to let some of this stuff out, wife knows Im bad, but has NO IDEA how bad. So I am taking all kinds of supplements (B1, C, Hawthorn, potassium, calcium, magnesium etc) cause Im pretty convinced Im dehydrated 24/7. All I drink is beer, literally. I know, not that smart. Waiting for test results right now, see what the damage is. I fear Ive done liver damage or kidney damage. Either way I need to know before starting. I want to quit, but I dont want to die in the process.
As I sit and write this, my bp is down and pulse is stabilized, Im on my 3rd beer and its 9am. I plan on tapering. My wife is away for the next couple of days so its just me and the kids. Im too scared to start until she comes home. If I have to rush to the hospital Im not sure what to with a 6 year old, we have no family out here.
I just needed to get this all off my chest. Im so tired of myself. If I could flip a switch and stop I would, but I can't.
Honestly, that was all under control and worked fine for me. Now is a totally different story. I am currently drinking 12-16 16oz beers a day. How can you manage that with a job you say? Easy, I put it in a coffee cup and bring it in to the office. I cant go more than an hour without a drink. I get shakes, heart races BP skyrockets. So I nurse beers all day long at work (typically 8 in a 10 hour shift) to keep me stable. Im not even drinking to enjoy anymore, Im doing it cause it feels like if I dont I will die. It a viscous cycle that feeds itself.
Now the fun part! My symptoms. Aside from normal withdrawal stuff, I get legs cramps almost every morning, I have edema in my legs and I wake up after just a few hours of sleep with my pulse and BP going nuts (150/105 this morning). My back hurts like something is wrong with my kidneys. Its not pain per se, but a feeling like I have to stretch it. My heart skips/misses beat all the time. Im just a mess. Went to the doctor yesterday, told her my concerns and got some blood tests done. Currently waiting for results.
So what have I been doing to change? Nothing but make excuses. I do have valid concerns about me surviving withdrawal. I have had issues with my heart long before I became dependent. When I don't drink, it gets scary real fast. As soon as I wake up I grab a beer. Usually takes 2-3 to stabilize me. But I don't stop there. I keep going. I'm not sure if thats needed, but I'm scared not to. Funny thing is, even with the constant drinking, Im never impaired. I can drive just fine and I talk on the phone for a living and nobody can tell.
So what am I doing aside from feeling sorry for myself. Well I am posting here to let some of this stuff out, wife knows Im bad, but has NO IDEA how bad. So I am taking all kinds of supplements (B1, C, Hawthorn, potassium, calcium, magnesium etc) cause Im pretty convinced Im dehydrated 24/7. All I drink is beer, literally. I know, not that smart. Waiting for test results right now, see what the damage is. I fear Ive done liver damage or kidney damage. Either way I need to know before starting. I want to quit, but I dont want to die in the process.
As I sit and write this, my bp is down and pulse is stabilized, Im on my 3rd beer and its 9am. I plan on tapering. My wife is away for the next couple of days so its just me and the kids. Im too scared to start until she comes home. If I have to rush to the hospital Im not sure what to with a 6 year old, we have no family out here.
I just needed to get this all off my chest. Im so tired of myself. If I could flip a switch and stop I would, but I can't.
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