Back Again

[Londoner]

So, I'm back after getting way too complacent about things.

After about 70-80 days or so of abstinence, I crumbled. A quiet few beers on a Sunday afternoon saw me going out clubbing on a Sunday night....I mean WTF? Getting home at 11am on a Monday morning, when I was due to work at 7pm that night.

That week was horrendous and the usual 'I won't go out again' ran through my mind.

The following weekend I had a BBQ which saw me have a bottle of wine over the course of 8 hours or so. My confidence was high - "I can drink a bottle, control myself and not go out".

So the following weekend I stupidly decided to go out for a quiet couple with a friend. That turned into a wreck of a night, and once again went out clubbing until 4pm on the Sunday.

Feeling rubbish the following week - I couldn't face anyone or anything. Actually had horrible thoughts running through my mind, which I am not man enough to repeat atm.

A good couple of weeks after that, I started meditating. That helped, but I was not progressing at anything really. Just sitting on my backside.

And so this weekend just gone, I ended up in the same old routine......drinks, clubbing....home 24 hours later. Spending stupid amounts of cash and not being able to face the world.

I'm back here, but I don't want to be. I don't want to spend time on the internet. I'm in a dark place atm. Really feel disconnected. Thoughts are dark. Can't see the way out, as I just keeping going round in circles....whether they are short circles or long circles. I end up in the same place. I feel like I have no one. I have nothing. I feel like a child. Just when you start to feel good for a bit, things go back to where they are. Maybe some of us are just born into life like this. I don't know.

But just popping back in, spinning my wheels as ususal.

[bkyogagurl]

Back Again

Hey L-

Slow down... Take a breath... And know that this is the anxiety that happens after drinking and it will go away...
I just recently went thru it again myself. Sucks ass. Just remember you are a good person and the addiction is the hurdle. Alcohol does not define who you are. I bet your are a totally sweet and wonderful guy with lots of compassion so remember to treat yourself how you would treat a friend who did the same thing.

Is there anything that makes you happy that you could do? Talk a walk or run? Do you have a pet to spend time with. Or maybe a close friend you could talk with?

Just take care of yourself and remember you are trying... And making progress.. It just takes time.

[Poppykin123]

Back Again

Hi Londoner, I like to come on here and have a read of the new posts each night. I suppose it has become part of my routine since I stopped drinking. I don't post very often but when I read your post it so reminded me of what I was feeling when I was drinking.

All I can tell you is when you decide not to drink, your life will be so much better! When I was drinking my life was hell! I hated it and I felt so lonely. I still have problems but at least I can deal with them now!

Come on here daily, go to a meeting if it helps! But don't ever give u on quitting. I never stared living until I stopped drinking and if I can quit anyone can. Things will get better! Xx

[Mootsbill]

Back Again

Hey Londoner, I feel your pain, the depression and anxiety following a binge or heavy partying session is the most hideous time.
I've tried to quit so many times, but after a bloody dreadful binge in january which resulted in shit consequences I've started attending aa meetings, I'm now on day 92 and things are going well have you thought about meetings?
Take care of yourself this week, lots of water, good foods and sleep.
Keep,posting and believe in yourself xx:goodjob:

[rednose]

Back Again

Londoner

Wow you sound like you have my life. I quit drinking 6 days ago. Only difference is I was a binge drinker every day for the last year. Either a fifth of whiskey a day or a fifth of vodka a day.
I had eight weeks AF about a year ago and then went out to do more research on drinking and it took me a year to get back here.

Don't make the same mistake I did and waste another year or more drinking.

Best of luck to you..

rednose

[j-vo]

Back Again

Londoner,
You're so young and have so much life to live. Give abstinence another shot. Remember how great you felt for those 80 days? You can have that again. I wasted most of my adult life bingeing on weekend nights. I missed a lot of fun because I thought being drunk was fun. Now I know it wasn't fun and it sucked the life out of me. Even if you don't want to be here, stay and hang out a bit. Everyday. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but will that weekend bingeing turn into nightly like it did for a lot of us here? I know you don't, but that's the way Al plays the game. Strength to you, L.

[available]

Back Again

London, i did wonder when you disappeared what you were up to and my thoughts werent good ones. The positive is that you did those 80+ days and some without being on mwo also. There is a pattern with you and that is you are doing great, really great, wonderful, you know your life changes for the better when sober..... then you stop posting as much, drift away, resume bad habits again which ultimately leads to drinking, starting with a little and ending with a lot. London this is your support, MWO is where you get your strength and determination from to be sober and keep sober. You know this and we all love you on here, you have given me strength to carry on with your positivity and wise words.

I am sad that you are in a dark place but there is a way out and you know what you have to do. You do have the strength and determination to do this London, i know that. Make this your last quit, give it every damn thing you have. You can do this. Even at 130+ days i am in early recovery and for you if it means keeping away from al for months then so be it, there will be a time when you can go out without al thoughts, urges, cravings, thought of moderating. We are alcoholics, we can NEVER drink.

I have just spent two weeks in "alkies paradise", Phuket and i have had those al thoughts certainly but i know i cant moderate, i cant have one, i cant have a sip, i cant even smell the damn stuff.

I am giving you a big hug and love, get back to the nest and even if you dont feel like posting, keep mwo open just in case. xx

[Luckyflower]

Back Again

Londoner,
Just read your post and was saddened to hear of your relapse. Unfortunately, it happened to most of us but kudos for picking yourself up.
Never quit quitting. Eventually, it will stick.
You are now stronger and you know better. You lived the AF life and know the difference. I wish you luck in your journey my friend.
:h

[Pavati]

Back Again

Hi, Londoner--

I'm glad you're back - even if you don't want to be right now.

I concur with all of the above. You're young, you are fit (right? a personal trainer?), you have a lot going for you. Once you drink, alcohol takes over and you are no longer in control. Keep yourself in control but not taking that first sip...

I'm not saying it is easy. NoSugar posted a great podcast - have a listen if you don't want to be on the Internet. The Bubble Hour. Changing the stigma of recovery through science. Among other things, it talks about the process of recovery.

Once you get that booze out of your system you'll feel better. I agree with Moots - maybe some in-person help (a group? some counseling?)

Best to you - you can do this!

[little beagle]

Back Again

Hello my friend.:l
I have been in your shoes SO many times. give yourself three days and you will begin to feel better. Shine some light on that dark place by reading and posting on here. You can do it, you have proven it.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Back Again

Hugs, Londoner.

You said that your life is spinning round and round- and it truly is when alcohol is in the middle of the circle.

I get that you don't want to spend hours and hours on the internet, posting about alcohol and crying in your cyberspace beer. Part of my addictive personality is to get SO absorbed in the "flavor of the day" that I miss out on the true life that's surrounding me- I was on here a couple of years ago and would spend hours reading and posting, that I wasn't living with my husband and children! I have to regulate the amount of time on here, so that I don't spend hours here anymore.

I don't want alcohol to be the center of my circle either.

:groupluv: I wish you peace, young Londoner. Patty

[3June2013]

Back Again

Londoner, we miss you when you're not around. One thing I love about life is that we get a fresh start every time we wake up. Forget the past, concentrate on now. As each AF day passes you will regain that resolve, and you will find the sun again. If being at home on the internet isn't working for you can you go to a coffee shop? A patio? Being outside in the fresh air might feel good?

[Londoner]

Back Again

Thanks guys - maybe I do need to pop in here more.

I am going to spend some time looking internally at my life too see what pattern happens that leads to me wanting to drink....what thoughts/actions etc trigger me.

I guess I feel depressed as I feel weak, and the people who you get slaughtered with don't really care about you at all. Everyone who drinks to get paraletic is just self absorbed. And I feel worse because getting drunk has gone back up higher on my 'importance list'.

Ahead of my own health. My family. My friends. The things that actually mean something to me. I feel I have let people close to me down in the last couple of weeks.

I need a month of seclusion.

[Dottie Belle]

Back Again

Why seclusion?? Come here and get support and know we all care. When I isolate it makes the drinking thoughts worse. when I come here and stay accountable and talk to other like minded folks that makes all the difference....

[Willow23]

Back Again

Londoner - if you're anything like me, you'll have several triggers. Mine are boredom, stress/anger and sometimes hunger. Not usually tiredness for me but other than that AL is a total emotional crutch. I guess it is for most people! I need to retrain my brain not to have those thoughts though - does AL bring anything different and solve those situations? No, not at all, I just think it does. It's also the fear of quitting that keeps making me go back - how will I explain to my friends that I no longer drink? Will they judge me if I ever told them the full truth? Will I have to concoct a story and cover the whole truth up for a bit? On the face of it, it seems easier to drink ... but deep down, that is not going to do me any favours and I know it. Hell, at the moment I don't even wish I could moderate (I used to wish that I could be 'normal' and just have a few drinks). I just wish I'd never touched AL ever.

Yesterday I posted in the Nest about how much money I spend a year roughly on AL - ?1560. That's a family holiday (or two) or driving lessons for me or just money to save for when times are hard and we need extra. I've been so incredibly selfish and that's always been so hard to admit to myself as I like to think I'm pretty decent (actually I really think I am WHEN I'm not drinking!) but the money wasted ... sheesh. Anyway, I've known all this for years and I'm sure that the bad thoughts will creep in within the next few days and make it try to seem like none of it matters, I'm not that bad etc etc - but I keep coming back here so there has got to be some kind of self-preservation instinct within us that all of us here need to hold on to. I've done so many day ones and I know that by day 4 when I can't sleep and am going through withdrawal again, it'll get seriously hard but I've also done 2 weeks before and know that it's only for a day or two and then I'll feel better again. I know it'll be up and down though.

I know it's different for everyone but I wouldn't shut myself away for a bit, tempting as it might be. Life is still there, carrying on and that's what we need to show ourselves - that we can have perfectly good lives doing everything we want to do WITHOUT AL. Shutting yourself away isn't a 'normal' life thing if you see what I'm saying. I know for me that's the only way I'll ever beat this.