Dwelling On Guilt

[briseus]

I hope nobody minds that I post here in the "Just Starting Out" thread...I feel as if more people hang out around this particular board.

I feel loads better when I get certain things off my mind.
For example...

I am 64 days sober. Of course some days are harder than others but when I look deep down inside I know in my heart how deeply content I am to have made this decision for myself.
I have never gone this far. Ever. In 5 years or so...I need to give credit where credit is due as difficult as that is for me (still struggling with NO self esteem) I should be incredibly proud of how far I have come.
I have accomplished quite a bit and I want to hang onto every little bit forever, become stronger, wiser, healthier...happier.
I feel like I am on that road.

When I went to see my counsellor last week, we discussed shame vs guilt.
I personally don't feel ashamed of my drinking but there are times where I sit and feel very guilty.
She was glad to hear that I felt guilty...over shame.
She said that when people feel shame they feel like they can't get out of it, they feel like horrible people. I know I am not a horrible person, but I made some pretty stupid decisions.
None of us are horrible people for that matter...even the ones who feel like they are...they aren't.
The past two months I have thought about the stupid things I have done....that overwhelming sense of guilt comes over me and I can only tell myself 1) that wasn't me, that was the alcohol and 2) you're not that same person anymore.
Not to mention the past is the past. I don't think anything hurts sobriety more than to dwell on the past.
We can only think of today and have optimistic thoughts for the future.
I've just been feeling down from time to time...my partner told me that he knew every single time I drank...wow, really? He knew when I drank in the morning, or before we went out anywhere. But what was the sense in bringing it up? I would only deny it...I would only drink more. It wasn't his problem, his decision...
Now I think and wonder if others knew, if others smelled it. What they thought...what they now think...
The impressions I made. The judgements that were called against me. I can't badger myself. I will catch myself saying "how could I have been so stupid??" But I was an addict. Through and through. When you're swimming in the middle of your insanely vast addiction, nothing matters.
I am more present now, more aware. But I can't torture myself. I can't dwell. Or I will go back to that dark place that I dread, I even dreaded it while actively drinking.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are many things we as individuals need to work on when getting sober.
Shame is one where if you're struggling with you need to get to the root cause...shame is more difficult to work with...I think. You need to climb out of that sense of shame to grow and move forward.
But guilt...that is something that we simply can't change. What is the point of torturing ourselves with guilt? We weren't of sound mind when those things were done. That wasn't us.
We should focus on other things other than guilt.
I personally think, we need to let that feeling GO.
I think many would agree. If you were to ever bring up to someone something you did while drinking that you feel badly about, I am sure they will say, "ah, whatever, just let it go, it's cool".
So I think that's what we have to do...just that...let it go. And focus on the positivity and amazing opportunities and chances to right those wrongs in a sober future.

Would you guys agree? Or am I off the mark?
There I go second guessing myself again. Lol.


That's all the ranting I have left for today. Lol.
Have a wonderful day and Happy Beearlied Easter.

[Nelz]

Dwelling On Guilt

Hey Bri....

First and foremost well done on the two months AF!!! I must have missed your 30 day mark so here we go...................



You and I both know this will be a roller coaster ride.....just hang on tight and continue on. Be very proud of your progess, and do whatever it takes for "you" to get healthy and let go of your past........... Attached files [img]/converted_files/2307074=7680-attachment.jpg[/img]

[available]

Dwelling On Guilt

Bris congrats on your days a wonderful achievement.

I dont feel shame, that is a feeling i felt when i was drinking. Drinking sent me to a place where i didnt have to deal with life in general, i didnt have to deal with emotions, feelings, i didnt have to deail with crap but mainly the crap was generated by my drinking. Waking up feeling shame daily i feel was my deciding factor to give up drinking. I had two choices really, give up drinking or die drinking. I chose to live. I am on holidays with my mum and we have had a rocky relationship to say the least and i totally felt shame about the way i have behaved with her but after thinking deeply about our past issuesf that always seemed to be bought up when i was drinking i have had to let that go. Do i feel gulty, of course i dof but i cant change the past, none of us can, the only choice i have is to be the best person i can be and that is by not drinking and growing as a person. I have had so much to feel guilty about especially regarding my family and as you say if we dwell on it then the vicious circle will begin again.

I think of myself as being reborn again into a person that i should have been before drinking took total control of my life. I now have total control of my life and it involves a multitude of changes and emotions and feelings coming to the fore but its nice to work on them and become a better person.

My daughter said to me last week that she loves the sober me. That to me makes it all worthwhile as they knew how much i drank, i did not hide it from them, only the rest of the world. Today i am grateful, very grateful.

Thanks Bris.

[NoSugar]

Dwelling On Guilt

My goal is to be as mentally healthy as Ava .

I like your post, Bris. I think about all of this a lot. I'm trying to let go of regrets and stop worrying about the future and for once, concentrate on the present. Both guilt and worry in excess are so counterproductive and can ruin what we have right now.

I mentioned just this morning that the "Let it Go" song pops into my head often these days.

I think you're on the right track. Thanks for letting us in on your thoughts!

[Byrdlady]

Dwelling On Guilt

It is a journey of self discovery, to say the least! You are so right, Bris, letting this stuff go is the BEST thing we can do. Like the Serenity prayer says, grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference. That's all we can do. We cant look to the future carrying the burdens of the past. Congratulations on your journey so far. You really sound like a different person! Hugs, Byrdie

[nancy]

Dwelling On Guilt

shame vs. guilt

Well done on your sober time! You can't change the past. The only thing you can do is have compassion for yourself and others. Hopefully this experience made you more sensitive, more compassionate to the weaknesses of others, more forgiving. I think when you go through something rough like this the best thing is to look at how it could help others. Isn't that what Roberta's experience shows us? Also, while alcohol problems are not hugely common, addiction of some sort is VERY common. You are not alone.