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Trying again - this time is different

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    Trying again - this time is different

    Like many people, I'm starting again after a number of failed attempts to battle the booze.
    In the past couple of years I have tried various things (Allan Carr's book, the MWO programme, Jason Vine's book, etc).
    I had my last drink about 12 days ago (I'm trying not to count as I do agree with the theory that it can be damaging). I have to say that out of the 10+ times I have gone cold turkey, this one was the easiest - this is odd as I was drinking more this time than any of the other times where I have really struggled with sweats/disturbed sleep etc.

    Things began to get tough after about a week - I got past the danger of any physical problems, but then the mental battles started. I began to feel depressed and down, as if something was missing. I was running the 'I just want to be normal' scenario through my head - not so much craving, more the fact that I couldn't cope with the concept of not drinking ever again.
    I had a eureka moment yesterday when I talked things through with my wife - trying to explain to her about why I was down. She was trying to gee me up by telling me how proud she is of me etc. I was telling her that I was at that stage that the advantages of stopping drinking are fading and seeming less important. She started talking about the health implications of stopping drinking. I explained that whilst the amount I drank wasn't 'good' for me, the amount wasn't perilously bad for my health - I drank more that Drs recommend but not massively so. I explained to her that the main, biggest reason I wanted to stop was the constant nagging craving for more alcohol was more difficult to live with. I had always tried to not drink on work nights - I had abandoned this of late and the shame of going to work with a hangover was not something else that I found difficult. We both agreed that due to the level of responsibility I have in my work life makes it unacceptable to drink during the week but if ever I wanted to go back to drinking at weekends only, I am free to do so.
    Whilst this must sound contradictory, i.e., giving myself the green light to drink, it in fact has been really powerful in the opposite way?.I am 100% committed to the concept of not drinking during the week- that is my non-negotiable. BUT I know that I cannot cope with the horrendous feeling when I wake up on a Sunday morning and know I can't drink again until Friday after work?..that feeling is worse than the cravings I have now (or have had in the past week or so) - on a scale of 1-10, if I currently have a craving of 6, that feeling on a Sunday morning is 8. I said to my wife that it reminded me of the Greek Myth where the person had their liver pecked out each day only for it to grow back again during the night?that is exactly how the 'not drinking during the week' routine feels to me.
    Since I realised that I can drink if I want to - but have made a conscious decision not to - that I would prefer how I feel now (even if it doesn't ever et easier) to the torture of moderation/intermittent abstinence, I have felt much more at peace with myself - I have gone from being gloomy and snappy to a 'normal' functioning almost human.
    I stopped smoking 14 yrs ago (ish) and I don't EVER, EVER crave a cigarette, not one tiny bit - if they were free with no health issues, I wouldn't want to start again?.I wonder if this will ever be the case with alcohol? I hope so, but if not, so be it )

    I don't post very much , but thought the concept of making a deliberate choice rather than being deprived might strike a chord with others.

    Chopden
    I gave myself a wonderful present on Christmas Day 2013 - a future free from the guilt and pain that alcohol causes....

    #2
    Trying again - this time is different

    Hi, Chopden

    In the same vein but on a more general topic, I read an article about substituting "have" with "get" -- i.e. to look at things as opportunities.

    I get to go to work.
    I get to exercise.
    I get to not drink alcohol. I have the opportunity and it is my choice .

    Thanks for your positive post. I hope you have a nice holiday weekend! NS

    Comment


      #3
      Trying again - this time is different

      Great post, Chopden.

      I understand what you mean about not counting the AF days- for me, if I knew the exact moment that I stopped drinking, then for me, I would be giving it the power of determining my "Before" and "After" date- as if it would be the line of demarcation of all life choices... "oh, that was when you were drinking". I stopped drinking when I went to visit my ailing father, but, like you, I had made a pact with myself to not drink during the week, so I don't know the exact date.

      However, I do know that I was happily alcohol free when I spent 10 days with my father, and I will treasure that time forever. :h

      I don't know exactly why it clicked for me this time, either, but I also feel like it is MY choice. I can choose to drink, but I can also choose to be alcohol free- which means that I remember the entire night, that my children are not mortified to have company in the evening. It also means that I don't wake up in a fog, pretending to be clear-headed... wondering if people can smell the alcohol on my breath. There's a lot of freedom in being sober.

      Happy weekend to you! :hug: Patty
      "God didn't give you the Strength to get back on your feet
      so that you can run back to the same thing that knocked you down."
      :hug:

      Comment


        #4
        Trying again - this time is different

        Hi Chop and great post.

        I made a conscious decision not to drink ever ever again. Unlike you i drank 7 days a week, 2 bottles a night most nights and i know for sure i cannot do the drink on weekends only business. Its all or nothing for me and nothing it has to be. To realise that decision has taken the battle within away now. I state now as it has been hard especially in the early days of knowing and realising i can never drink again but i dont want to be that person that i was when drinking.

        I am still smoking and its nearly time to lose that crutch as well and damn i am not looking forward to the urges and cravings that i know i will go through but it has to be done and that definitely wont be a picnic in the park but if i have given up one addiction i can surely give up another.
        AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

        Comment


          #5
          Trying again - this time is different

          Chopden great post. It's good that you have your wife to help with this it. I made that concious decision not to drinks also. I tried the not drinking on working days and drinking on days off. It didn't work I ended up drinking as much as if I drank every day and then went back to drinking everyday. It sounds like you have the right frame of mind to make this work and the cravings do get much easier to handle. I quit smoking years ago and like you don't care to even be around them and it is getting to be the same with alcohol.

          Comment


            #6
            Trying again - this time is different

            In early sobriety, the up and down emotions, the rollercoaster seems to go on for a long time. We were discussing this and feeling the fear of giving up something we rely on daily/weekends. Sometimes we have to just let go and trust that our a more stable feeling will come later as long as we stay away from alcohol. If we keep going back, the unstable emotions won't subside. I'm glad you chose to abstain.
            Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

            Comment


              #7
              Trying again - this time is different

              Chop - your post is a great testament about the power of belief. Our brains react to the information we put in and you've chosen to 'program' in some very positive and constructive paths. Like you, my way of living changed once I actively discouraged deprivation thinking while cultivating an attitude of gratitude about all AF living offers.

              Yet....no matter how much any of us change in our attitudes or beliefs or even try to change patterns of usage....Alcohol will never change. Each and every drink is toxic, carcinogenic and damaging to every system in the body on a cellular level. Ethanol in any form is harmful to all - from the so-called social drinker to the addicted drinker. That unalterable reality is the ultimate reality-check that gives me the ability to happily embrace the decision and commitment to never damage myself again by putting that crap in my body again.

              It's well worth the time and effort to heal and put those new neural pathways into place...Keep going Chop!
              Sober for the Revolution!
              AF & NF July 23, 2011

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