Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

[gitawine]

I always want to reply to everyone's posts, but someone PM'd me and said I was replying in the middle of people's threads innapropriately. But everytime I've replied it's always been to say how I can relate. So I figured I'd just start my own thread.
It's been so helpful to see how many people are struggling with the same thing I am, even when I brought up being an angry drunk; and hearing how someone BESIDES me makes an ass out of themselves at weddings or cook outs or get togethers.
I went 20 days AF, my goal was 30, but I consciously decided to drink ahead of time. I did do a good job moderating over Fri and Sat and Sunday the whole day passed before I reaized I hadn't even thought about alcohol. Yesterday wasn't too bad. Today didn't take my L Glut or B, (still waiting on Kudzu and Amino and CD's in the mail) and I'm really wanting a drink. I spent the whole evening working in the garden of our new house which usually makes me feel great, but still all I can think about is catching a buzz.
Even after I read all the encouraging posts and think about all the dumb things I've done while drinking, I still WANT to be that person in a strange twisted perverted sort of way. Maybe it's a self esteem issue, I don't know, but sometimes I think I LIKE being a drunk, like it's my alter ego or something. I know that sounds crazy, and it's hard to put into words but I'm just wondering if anyone can even SORTA relate to what I'm saying. Life is so boring day in and day out w/out my wine. I'm just feeling very tempted right now. It's 11 pm here so I know I won't drink and I'll head off to bed instead but I haven't wanted one this bad since the first couple days of AF.
I'm just trying to figure my crazy brain out. With all the AF days and the weekend of moderation I know I'm trying to justify starting back w/ my old habits again, but I've made too many promises. I just want to get to the point where I'm keeping them for myself and not someone else.
Thanks for listening

[lushy]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Gita, let me just say I can 100% relate to your post. And I am sorry someone said you were responding inappropriately. There is no such thing. Post where and when you want. But yes, I get the whole alter ego person who enjoys the wine buzz. Good for you on an AF day....

[Popeye]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Hi Gita,
It's the addiction talking to you, telling you it's OK to go back to where you were. It happens to most of us from time to time. This is one of those times that you're going to have to dig deep and stay strong in order to beat it. It will pass, and you'll know you did the right thing. I have an inner voice that won't shut up for days. He used to always win, now I usually do.
Don't give in to it Gita.
Stay strong. You'll feel so much better if you do.

[Otie]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Gitawine,

I am yet to receive that notice about my postings. :H I tend to ramble about me because I kinda thought it would make the other person feel better to know that here's someone who is going throught the same. And I continue selfishly on this vein - I have been pondering lately that life feels so boring without wine. And the bottle is my company, my best friend, my safety blanket. (And I am still feeling so so lonely).

Ok, let's rationalise or think straight or what ever: we think we cannot live without bottle because we have not been long enough without it and really seen the real life without bottle. This is what we should think and believe.

Did you notice being calmer during AF days? Except when the want for the bottle is there. I have managed to have some AF days in the past to experience this and it is a good thing until that awful longing for the bottle hits hard.

What was I wanting to say to you? Doh, alcohol has done it's trick on my little pea brain and I am loosing the track here...

..yes, this longing for the bottle is the trick our mind plays, we gotta be strong and do what ever for it not to reign us. It is like a bad lover we know it is not good for us but we keep falling for and cannot break free.

I cannot give more than my sympathies as I right now I have no power to say my love - drink - 'get lost, you are ruining my life'. I am just crying 'don't leave me'.

Otie

[imatree]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Hi Gita,
I too can completely relate. And I haven't even had anywhere near the success you've had with AF. I have a relationship with the "drinking me". The sober me is a stranger, at least in the evenings, those hours when I drink. Who is that woman? What will she do? Will she be able to enjoy herself? What the heck is she going to do with the time?
I have few friends, because I don't know how to be around people who don't drink like I do. I guess I can say the same about myself - I don't know how to be with me if I'm not drinking.

Thanks for posting this quandry. I hadn't really thought about it this way until I wrote this response. It's good stuff to think about.

Congratulations on your persistence.

[imatree]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Reading Otie's response reminds me of what we learn about the 'ego', from sources such as Buddhism. The ego wants to control our Self. The ego is tricky, it tricks us into thinking it IS our Self. It manipulates, whines, and totally wreaks havoc on the psyche if it thinks the Self is going to take control. Sounds a lot like the alcohol struggle, eh?

A saying I remember from a Buddhist friend: "The ego is so tricky it will even attempt to attend its own funeral". Meaning to me, if we get to the point of success in reclaiming our Self, the ego (the desire for booze) will still try to weasle it's way in.

Something else I just thought of - a book, was it The Addictive Personality? says there is a part of you that is an alcoholic. There is also a part of you that is not an alcoholic. We mustn't let ourselves believe that a 'drunk' is all we are. That's the ego, loving the control it has when we are weakened by substance, keeping us in line so that we let it have power.

[Otie]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Imatree,

Your thoughts are spot on. Great stuff! It is easy to succumb to the thought of being an alcoholic and dwell there.

Otie

[rottrod]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Gita,
I can relate as well.

The problem is, my husband thinks I'm really funny but worries about my health.
I'm the life of the party, the class clown, the person everyone can talk to. I love people and people love me. I was a bartender for years and loved it. My favorite job ever.
After my last checkup, my doctor worries about my health but won't give the topa.

We all like this person we think we are when we are drinking. And, up to a point, everyone else does as well. But, the people who truly love us wouldn't really love it if they really knew it was destroying us in the process.

My husband and I have had the talk and I know that he will love me just as much if I'm not as fun anymore. He wants me for the long term. So, OK am I ok with that? That's the real Question. If it weren't for the health issues would this be so important to me right now?????? Background ( 70 lbs overweight, bp high, cholesteral high, borderline diabetic)) good question!
So it's all about our motives for wanting to stop. I want to grow old with my husband, unfortunately it looks like I'm going to have to be a little less fun. He's OK with that.

Melissa

[jane rees]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Hi Otie
I completely understand where you are coming from! I have always celebrated Friday with champagne ( well, any excuse to celebrate) and I found myself thinking yesterday, how will I now differentiate fridays from all the other days?? how boring will my weekends become???!!! I found Imatree comments about the ego interesting and I will force that ego, aka drunk, aka addict deep down inside me again. Bugger it, it will not win!!
Jane

[louise]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Well that really stinks being told you are posting inappropriately. Where are the rules exactly? Somebody better tell me because I'm new and probably doing it wrong too. Ah yes - my husband has also said I'm more fun after a drink - but not so fun after the whole bottle. Such a dilemma. I like me better too after 1 or 2. It would be so great to be able to always stop at 1 or 2 but ..... There is a wonderful post called Voddy under long time abstainers that might be helpful.

[iced]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

imatree;138661 wrote:
I have a relationship with the "drinking me". The sober me is a stranger, at least in the evenings, those hours when I drink. Who is that woman? What will she do? Will she be able to enjoy herself? What the heck is she going to do with the time?

Wow. That is so spot on to my main concerns with stopping (except I am a man). In my situation for the last 3 years I have gone to the neighborhood bar which is 1/4 mile from my house. I know everyone there (75 ish ppl) and now really am concerned that with quitting I know I can not go there, but I have been spending 4-6 hours there almost every night for years! I know if I go then I will surely drink so I feel that I am losing a lot of friends by stopping. I guess I am hoping that I will make a lot of new friends somewhere else. I really have to figure out what I am going to do with myself!

[diverob]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Hi Gita - really thought your post said so much about how I feel all the time. Like anything I did before with alchohol isn't worth doing anymore if I can have my 'buddy' drink to go with.

Good luck and we're all here for you!

[Guest]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

I hear you on that one! I really like red wine, and champagne. I will use any excuse really to have a glass. I like the way it makes me feel after a glass, and if I can stop at two it's great. But, more often than not I can't. Like a couple days ago... (oy!)

It's so hard to break the cycle. Sometimes no matter what you do, or the supps. you take you can feel youself itching for one.

We understand exactly what you are feeling.. no worries on feeling alone with that one. Not here.

[chilli]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

Yeah were are the rules hope i havent upset anyone, personally i hate the drunk me and so do most other people, she likes to tell everyone what she thinks of them , and most of the time this isnt what i really think.My ex hated me when i drank but always bought home wine which he dosent drink. I think he liked the pathtic mess the next day god only knows why. So i guess its true if you feed the monster it will grow, and the real you will disapear.

[nancy]

Craving the Companionship of the Bottle

dysfunctional relationship with bottle

Gita

I think the book Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken, sheds light on this relationship with the bottle.

You should read the book if you want to find out more.

Just off the top of my head, it said that life is full of ups and downs, uncontrollable cycles. People can be unreliable. The addict, sometimes distrustful of these natural ups and downs and lack of predictability with humans or isolated, forms an emotional relationship with a substance for a predictable mood-elevating high. But it's a dysfunctional relationship. the elevation is only temporary and illusive and often leads to a horrible crash after the initial high.

If you remember that the elevation is only temporary then that might help you resist. Don't romanticize the dysfunctional relationship too much, as sounds like you are doing. There have to be healtiher ways of elevating moods and Buddishm might help accept those uncontrollable things in life a bit better.

Also, the Addictive Personality suggests that people who come from shaming families perversely like to have this shameful secret bad personality that comes out with drinking. It reinforces negative self-esteem. You know, if people knew what you were really like, they wouldn't like you or be there for you or care for you.

These insights have helped me in my understanding but behavior still has a long way to go.

To the person who posted that used to go to the bar every night for hours, I feel for you almost the most. because I think you have a big challenge in that your social life is so closely tied to drinking. I think you need to move away from that. It might be lonely at first and challenging and yes you need to make some new friends, but it will be worth it!