A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

[guapo]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

What's a Dojan ?

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Dojang is the Korean term for a dojo - martial arts.

Not happy hour - I do think that is the question I most have to answer and that it is tied up with what the failure to engage I posit is all about.

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

So how many more times can I bounce? No more talk about the whispers but what they really are. Not really going to get very far in figuring out my cues and danger times if I generalize with imagery. And right now, as I am at work on two hours of sleep, my legs cramping and a hollow in the pit of my stomach I am not very zen about failing again last night.

So what actually happened? I had gotten to bed early and sober Tuesday night and woke up feeling pretty good yesterday. I also woke up wanting a drink. Wednesdays I work from home so I logged in and almost immediately my head was a ping pong of fast and furious emails for a few hours. In between the volleys that thought kept popping in that I could use a drink. I'm working! Have a drink. It's 10:30 in the bloody morning! Have a drink. I'm busy! Have a drink. So I ended up having a drink.

Should've taken a moment to breathe and slow down, clear my head a little.

After a few texted a psych nurse friend of mine and asked her what she thought of SMART recovery and she seemed astonished that I could have this problem. Left it at I drink more than I like. Ended up talking about Albert Ellis and his institute with their Friday night live therapy/talks.

Then we got to GF who works at the same hospital and my friend told me how she hasn't been looking all that good these days. Probably run down and dragging like I am right now. She also reminded me that she has been telling me I need to get out. Have a drink.

Do I feel bad for GF? Of course but also can't help being mad. Mad at myself for not recognizing that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, for not listening to the several people who told me to get out. But I was going to make it work. Yeah, it worked all right. Worked like a charm. Have a drink.

This time I'm not so zen about it. I'm sick of it. I'm not sure which is better. Of course right now I'm tired as hell too.

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Why does anyone trust me, believe in me? I told my friend who is a psych nurse specializing in addiction s that I may be an alcoholic and she told me it can't be. Did say she wanted to come to Friday night live (Ellis institute) with me though. Anyone in the TriState maybe we can have our live night.

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Okay so yeah. Still a few days on and a few days off. Sometimes those days on are two or three, sometimes ten with little or no sleep the latter returning only in the last few weeks.

When my drinking was at its worst I decided to go back to school to change careers. My drinking was cut in half. Then I started my new career and other than an initial bump my drinking decreased again. It was shortly after that I found a story about Kudzu on webmd and it seemed to help. Once I had managed to deal with the majority of my debt I then looked to get back into meditation and Yoga as well as writing. As I was struggling to manage to do it on my own I signed up at the Dojang. My drinking got to the point where most days I was quite satisfied with one whiskey (ok, so there was two shots) and one cigar.

Sometime this year, probably shortly after getting through February with little sleep and into March with high BP (though I'm not sure if that was ever accurate considering the white coat syndrome I'v displayed), it became difficult again to manage my drinking let alone continue to slowly strangle it to death. Think it also might have something to do with this idea I have of who I want to be by the end to the year (when I hit 40), that it has become a want (which comes from a place of lack) rather than a place of being (where we express the goal that is already achieved as a potential within us).

It is also problematic that I've become more lax about getting to the Dojang. Once I start seeing it as a long haul it is easier to take more rests and thus get to the Dojang once that week instead of three times or to skip meditating that day because I'm feeling unfocused/unsettled. Stupid excuse as that is something that meditation helps with. So I'm thinking I need to focus on some short term goals.

That and stop being a lazy a$$ and go back to the beginning.

When I started martial arts I was grabbing a drink or two before going as well as a few cigarettes to go with them and instead of buying multiple shots of whiskey I would buy a six pack and a couple of shots. (I mentioned elsewhere that Kudzu seems, at least for me, to work best when it's wine or beer.) After a month of making sure to get there at least twice a week that stopped and that's when one two shot drink a day started becoming more the norm. When I'm tired because I tipped over the night before and didn't sleep I think it is probably more important that I get myself to the Dojang. Have to learn how to apply that at 6 in the morning too. (never was a morning person.)

I also notice a discrepancy with diet. As I start slipping back into the way I had been eating I also tend to start drinking more. That can also lead more towards the ten end of the scale than the 1. Of course between looking at my diet and my attendance to my practice it's a bit of a chicken and the egg thing or, as it is with nature via nurture, a bit of both. Or maybe it just comes down to being conscientious.

[Alky]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Hi Orimus, from one serial relapser to another, I appreciate and understand what you are going through. First off, I think it's great that you understand this battle is won day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. I am very skeptical when people log on here during an unpleasant detox swearing that they'll never drink again (I did this many times), because long-term pronouncements accomplish nothing. But have you admitted your powerlessness over alcohol? Even though it's an AA catchphrase, SMART and Rational Recovery also require this self-actualization in some form. When I finally did (I thought medication and thinking were one day going to give me power over alcohol, and it never did), it was cathartic. Thirty days flew by. In the past, during abstinent spells, it always felt like a miserable footrace in which I could never catch up and the finish line kept getting moved further and further away. Your plan is great, except that it lacks accountability. Things got much easier for me when I formed a circle of people to whom I am accountable: my AA sponsor and various AA acquaintances, my fellow group therapy members, my therapist and my psychiatrist. Not saying alcoholism can't be beaten going it alone (my dad did it), but it sure is a hell of a lot easier with a group of people around you.

[Pavati]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Hi, Orimus:

I had a problem with admitting my powerlessness, but I came to see it another way. I have ultimate power over alcohol as long as I don't drink. That is my power. If I drink, I am giving it away to alcohol, and always lost that battle - "reduced" drinking or whatever. I agree with Alky - that was the most freeing feeling - no more battles with myself every night, where, when, how much, with whom.

I also appreciate your plan, but I wonder if it is too complex? Your focus right now could be that you will not drink, no matter what. I found that if I made too many plans and promises I would inevitably break one of them and that gave me an excuse to say "screw it" and go ahead and break them all.

Do yourself a favor and find a support system, make a plan to stay off the alcohol NO MATTER WHAT, and free yourself from this cycle. You won't regret it.

Pav

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

The only accountability I have built into my plan is being on here and my Dojang. The Dojang however isn't so much focused on the alcohol as it it on simply healthy, mindful living and I haven't brought it up. I've thought about adding additional sources of accountability but .. . . it may just be my stubbornness. I do tend to like doing things on my own until I no longer can. A flaw I know.
As for the complexity . . . gets me thinking if I wrote it so that it sounds complex I must be making it more complex in my thinking. Which again is very much like me. I guess the simplest way of putting forth my plan would be to say that my focus is on eating well, sleeping well and practicing (Kung Fu, Qi Gong and meditation) well with some assistance from Kudzu, St. John's and this site. All of it is antithetical to a drinking lifestyle.
Not sure if that makes any more sense.

[j-vo]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Orimus,
I'd say come to MWO, read lots and lots, and the only thing you need to think about is not drinking. Try not to focus on so many other goals at this time. Just one is all you need. Don't drink today. Then tomorrow, you can have the same goal. Having too many things on your mind when you're trying to get through the first week doesn't work for most people. How about it. Just focus on this one thing. Remember to keep these simple things taken care of as they'll help with the cravings: 1. EAT Anything you want to eat 2. Sleep 3. Shower 4. Work 5. Post and read on MWO

That's it.

[Orimus]

A moment to breathe, reflect and put one foot in front of the other

Testing signature.

[Orimus]

On reflection it seems that I'm drinking to avoid moving on with my life. That's the take away today as I showed up to work late and still a little drink. The bigger the step forward the more I seem to drink. I still haven't gotten back to the dojan, my rear still hurts from the fissure but I have plans to move ahead with things. So what did I do? I find myself at 4 in the morning just finishing my sixth beer at twice the normal abv. Sheesh. so now I have to come up with a plan based on this new realization.

I was with my ex gf for 8 years and when I started to move on with things - back to school, changing careers and what have you - my drinking was limited and under control. Now I'm 41 and living by myself, single for two years now. 2nd date in all that time is Saturday. Of course right now it's going to take me a few hours to come to terms with screwing up again. A couple of hours before I stop thinking about it as screwing up again and start looking to what I'm going to do about it. Right now I'm just tired and wishing I wasn't here at work. <sigh>

I had 58 days and was feeling good. My studio was clean, I was back to cooking. I'll get to 60+ just have to stop saying fuck it, move on and not be comfortable in my rut. Damn mid-life ennui.

[Orimus]

Eat. Sleep. Shower. Work. Relax. And don't drink. The rest will take care of itself.

[starty]

Hi Orimus. Welcome back. Day 1 hey? Well done for getting back in the game. Always a positive my friend

[Eloise]

How is it Orimus?

[Orimus]

Thanks Starty. Got to keep getting up no matter how many times we fall whether it be after 3 days or three years. In the end I think its the difference between being a lesson or a warning.

Doing OK Eloise. Still standing. :happy2: You?