Went on a bender yesterday. Another night of passing out. Getting drunk in front of my five year old, who calls it "when mommy gets sleepy." I am not hungover, just shakey and feeling like shit emotionally.
I have the CD's the books, and the meds...I just haven't done anything with them. I know what I need to do, but I am scared. Scared that I won't be fun anymore. Scared that I won't have something to help me when I get so stressed out. There is a part of me that is detached - Like I'm going to wake up and actually feel the impact of the horrible things I have been doing, which makes me want to stay numb and drink.
I'm hoping that by being honest here, it will make me more accountable for my actions. I know all of the right things to do and I have the tools, but I feel like I'm two different people. For today, I am going to take my meds, drink some detox tea and go to bed early.
I sound so messed up. I guess I really am. Thanks for letting me post.
Azcrazy
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