Testing yourself and why you should not do it!

[kuya]

Testing yourself and why you should not do it!

NoSugar;1682413 wrote: Good to see you, Kuya. As one of my main mentors, I internalized your message and also don't find "forever" daunting at all - in fact it is a great relief.

Following on from my previous post NS I now live happily with my core emotion, there really isn't a forever.........

'Forever' starts when I wake and ends when I sleep. Nothing else is real.

Good to see you too gf

[allankay]

Testing yourself and why you should not do it!

kuya;1682411 wrote: I logged in tonight for the first time in many months and saw this thread Allan.

As my quit twin I am always drawn to any posts you leave!

I felt it was right to throw in my thoughts and experiences on this subject, as we near our two years of sobriety.

I am coming to the conclusion that I will ALWAYS addict to something.....I now just choose things that aren't going to kill me.

I realise that I have always been the same...as a child I threw myself into things addictively....and it mostly served me well. In education, when renovating a house, or any project I undertake( including posting on MWO !) But I also drank and smoked addictively and I think I now know why.

Like so many alcoholics my childhood was damaged and unsafe. I had no trust in tomorrow, and I still don't and probably never will.

So WHATEVER I do I have no faith that tomorrow will come or be safe for me....of course it does and it is, but that is NOT my core belief.

This affects many aspects of my life, I stay up too late, eat erratically and do many things to excess.

That simple realisation explains why I cannot, and will not, drink again. I know if I drink I WILL want to get drunk, because I LIKED getting drunk.

And, because I hold a core emotion is that there will be no tomorrow, I lack the ability to WORRY about tomorrow. One can only moderate when there is a core belief in future.....I have none, and accept I may never have one.

After two years I very rarely have a desire to drink alcohol.....the odd thought only occurs when I am tired and hungry..... A leftover, knee jerk reaction easily fixed..... "Sit down you stupid biatch and eat !" :H:H

Oddly it can still strike at times of intense happiness and of achievement.... The thought to 'celebrate'.....but that is quickly erased by the memory that tomorrow, after the 'celebration', will come the battle (which I WILL lose, as I did after my first quit) and then the return to slavery as my brain chemistry reverts to running on alcohol. NO THANK YOU.

Does the thought of NEVER drinking again bother me? Not at all.

Drinking alcohol has now joined a long list of things I never want to do again...which include

Fall off a horse
Get stuck up a ladder
Date a policeman
Shave my pubes
Hand wash my clothes
Smoke
Go on a protein shake diet
Go camping
......... And these are just the ones polite enough to share with y'all !

So any of you tempted to test drinking alcohol again just remember that you joined MWO because you were terrified ...... so was I

Since becoming sober life has NOT been a bed of roses, there are still problems that keep me awake at night ...... BUT I have NEVER felt the fear that I felt EVERY day as I was forced to feed my alcoholism.

Hi Kuya,

I am so very happy to see you on MWO after being MIA for so long.

Your words ring very true with me as well. I had a good childhood but I always feel like today is forever, and tomorrow will never come. I cant explain why but that is how I feel. Not sure if that is the route cause of addictive personality but I have it too.

Look forward to seeing more of you here

AK

[Byrdlady]

Testing yourself and why you should not do it!

Blither, blither, blither, blither (the noise one makes when shaking her head back and forth in disbelief)

HEY KUYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :l
SO good to see you!! :h:h:h B

PS, I have no problem with saying 'forever' either. It's either forever drunk or forever sober and I chose SOBER!! 1000 times easier!

[gabrielle11]

Hello ! :happy2: It's not that I don't value my life. It's just that I love taking chances, testing myself, stepping over the line.