Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

[briseus]

Hey everyone...
Coming up on six months soon....
Just needed some opinions...tips or advice....

How does one let go of the past? How do you, as a sober person, live in the NOW....?
I know that I wasn't living anything when actively drinking because I was in lala land 24/7. I was in a completely different world at that time....but now I feel as if I am living in my past...things that I simply cannot change.
How did you deal with those feelings? Emotions? Anxiety? Feeling stuck....how do you deal with the shitty things that you did years ago, or even decades ago? I guess it doesn't help that I am also obsessive compulsive and do suffer from Pure-O so am notorious for ruminating over thoughts and not being able to just LET GO. Of course there may be a few things that people need to really work through and sometimes that can't go on unless people get some professional help....but.........I am curious when you guys got sober how you stopped living in the past (if you did)??

The past is in the past, we can't change them, I know this...I am just having a hard time emotionally coming to terms with this. There are people that I have apologized to, people that I am simply unable to apologize to, things I would like to change, but can't, things that I am glad happened, because it has put me where I'm at now...

Just wondering how you dealt, if you talked it out, read books, or just did it on your own.

Thanks.

(always learning here, just another one of those things where I am living on life's terms now, right? things have been going well enough for me but the past few weeks my OCD/anxiety has become heightened and I feel like I am trying to drive forward while looking into my rearview mirror - something my counselor said, it made total sense to me...)

[Orimus]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Writing it out, putting your story on the page may be helpful. I'm not there yet in terms of sobriety as I too keep looking back at things that should've, shouldn't have, could've been. Writing for me is and has been cathartic. Meditation and zen have been helping to keep me more present and less out of my mind.

The past is over and we can do nothing about it but loving myself now reminds me to be grateful that it has brought me here, made me me as you say. No regrets about that even if it is hard to remember sometimes, hard to know rather than just understand. Hope this helps in some small way.

[patrice]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Hi B,
For me also Meditation and Gratitude have been tools I been able to use to let go of the past
Best to you
Xx
Pat

[briseus]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Thank you so much Orimus and Patrice. I do appreciate your responses and they did help. Hearing it from someone else as well. I think I need to practice more mindfulness for sure as well as meditation to help me work through my issues.
I was also thinking about the steps in AA. And how it says that we should make amends with people that we have hurt, but not if it will hurt that person. I think that would be a hard step to go through or work through. I guess at the same time we cannot always get what we want, and maybe particular people don't want to bring the past up themselves and have moved on...except us. I think it would be selfish to bring past issues up to alleviate our own guilt or pain if there is a potential there to hurt someone else. I guess we need to be more aware of that. People who are terrible....are the ones that do things intentionally to hurt others. In my opinion.

I guess there are certain situations where I simply can't change things or apologize for them....it's all in the past and I simply need to move forward but I need to also work on myself emotionally. I think many people who have some sober time under their belt can relate to what I have said.
I don't believe I have completely missed the mark. ANd if I have then I am way in over my head lol!
Geeze. Life is tricky....

[Byrdlady]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

As I was reading around the site last weekend, I came across this quote:
Regret of the past and fear of the future are the twin thieves of the present. How true is that? Living in the moment and making the most of my life now is what I try to do. I have found that putting myself in the service of others has helped, too. Making myself useful to someone else is just about the best way I know to build new memories to dwell on. Sure, I did plenty of things when I drank I'm not proud of, but since I've been sober, I've done a lot of things that I AM VERY PROUD OF! They go a long way to negate the past. So try to move forward. Let it go.....Lav over in the nest recommends a book, I think it's the art of letting go? Gosh, I'll have to check on that, but I'm sure there are 100's of books on the subject. Fill your mind with new, good memories, and you will be able to let go of the not so great ones. You are a different person now than the one in the fog of AL. Just my 2 cents. B

[briseus]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Thanks very much Byrdie - I really appreciate it and thank you for sharing that quote - it's very true. Not just when thinking about the past while actively drinking, but thinking of anything even before then. I have both on my mind at the moment - but like you said, I need to make the most of my time right NOW. This second! There is absolutely not point whatsoever in dwelling on the past, and fearing the future because it's either happened already and we can't change it, or it hasn't happened...and we don't even know what WILL happen....so right now is all we have...and what if that right now is the last thing we have? It's probably better doing something else then dwelling on things that we can't do anything about.
I am going to pop over to the nest and see if I can figure out the title of that book....and other books for that matter. I have heard a quote before in the past...that has stuck with me forever (since I love to read) that a book can change a man...or his life...I don't remember it right now..cripes...when I do I will make sure to share it.

But you are right Byrdie...definitely a different person then I was six months ago....it's crazy how alcohol can just change us....
Anyways. :thanks:
xo

[Pavati]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Hi, Bri:

I think the book Byrdie is talking about it called The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency by Melody Beatty. I have a copy and find it useful to read from time to time (I forget to do it daily sometimes!)

I got over dwelling in the past and worrying about the future by reading and thinking a lot about sobriety from people who have been there, done that. I also saw a therapist weekly - VERY helpful for me to FINALLY accept that there are certain things I can't control, the past being one of them. Acceptance and letting go have been key.

I wish you well,
Pav

[little beagle]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

I agree with Byrdie. Just filling my life with great, new, sober memories has helped me let go of so many ugly things from the past. And I have an abundance of those.

[briseus]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Thanks Pav - for the title of the book, I will make sure to check it out. Is it specifically centered around codependency though? I guess I can figure that out myself. :P
I definitely think acceptance and letting go is most important of not dwelling on the past. I probably should go and see someone, as I have OCD, so it's a little more difficult for me to stop ruminating or obsessing about certain things...it can be anything.
And you're right Little Beagle.

I am no longer the person that I was. I am not that child. I am not that teen. I am not that young drunken adult....I am me NOW...of course all those things have made me who I am today in a way but it does not define me. No bad or good thing defines me as a person. I just need to learn, take the moral out of the story and let the rest go.

I need to focus on positive things today...and positive things moving forward.

Thanks everyone and happy Friday.
Bri.*

[little beagle]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

I love that. I know I need to let things from the past go also, being here and having other people set the example has helped me with that issue a lot.
I love the gratitude thread. When I feel blah, I check in there and get a pick me up.

[paulywogg]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Bri,first of all let me say i'm soooo super proud of you! you finally took control of your own life,it took some time but you are doing an awesome job this whole past thing upsets me,when i think of some of the things i've done,i cringe,when i look at pics i know i was drunk in,i want to tear them up but most of them have my kids in them,i guess it's different for me cuz i still keep falling off the wagon,it would be one thing if the past was the past,but i keep repeating the past,grrrr gotta break that cycle,i wish i could get hypnotized to forget the past 8 years of my life

[briseus]

Letting Go - THE PAST is the past for a reason...

Thanks Pauly, I really appreciate it.
Hypnotized, now THERE is a good idea!! If only I could as well. If you find someone, let me know!! Lol.
I think it is important to practise gratitude, I agree with you Beagle. I think I need to do more of that, I have come to a point where I really have to work on myself. The first few months of sobriety was trying to get through the days without drinking and now that I am comfortable, here and now and in my quit, I need to start implementing more strategies from day to day. I need to work on myself and become an even better person, someone inspiring, after wasting so much time.

Thinking and dwelling on the past is insidious....same with focusing too far off into the future. I am unsure why we as human beings do this to ourselves.
Honestly, a whole new world opens up to you when you practise mindfulness and being in the NOW. But it's so hard to get roped back into last year, or one year from now.
I will continue on this path and keep working at it.
We all can.